


On the Brink

by silver_drip



Series: Killing me with Kink 'verse [2]
Category: Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breathplay, Eventually it becomes less unhealthy, F/M, Humiliation, Kinks, Loki Needs a Hug, M/M, Off-screen suicide attempt (the bridge scene), Pepper Potts indulges Tony's kink, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark indulges Loki's kink, Unhealthy Relationships, eventually Frostiron, self-hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-19
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-13 20:37:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 48
Words: 95,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2164377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver_drip/pseuds/silver_drip
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All he wanted was for Tony to love him back, but knew it would never happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The first time Loki met Pepper Potts he was laid out on the hard floor, back pressed against the cold window that made up the south facing penthouse wall. He had been watching Tony talk to Jarvis in the kitchen as he pulled apart a small robot.

He was completely ignored, completely unimportant.

Despite the unyielding floor beneath him and the hollowness inside him, Loki was… comfortable, for a lack of a better word.

His long black hair cascaded over the gold and white marbled floor. His fingers tapped a silent beat, not able to just stay still. His eyes never moved away from Tony. He just seemed so happy, so content in his own world of mechanics.

“Sir, Ms. Potts is on her way up.” Jarvis announced. Tony’s hands paused for just a fraction of a second, a smile forming on his face.

“What is she wearing?”

“A cream Couture business dress from the spring 2011 collection. She looks rather fetching, if I may say so.” Jarvis reported, dutifully.

“Please tell me she’s wearing that bright red lipstick.”

“She’s reapplying it as we speak.”

Somehow Tony’s grin became wider. He went to the kitchen sink, washing his hands.

Loki didn’t know what to do. Tony had told him that Pepper knew he was there, so he didn’t have to hide himself. But he didn’t know if her anger towards him would transfer to Tony. And if Tony was angry… he could kick Loki out.

Loki curled up into a ball.

There was no place for him, no realm or house that would willingly take him in.

He could always shape shift. Loki knew this, but he also knew that would only hide who he was on the outside. They’d see who he really was even if his face was hidden.

The sharp clicking of heels pulled Loki out of his musing.

An impeccably dressed woman walked in with an air of confidence around her. She immediately went up to Tony and embraced him.

Loki didn’t understand why she reapplied her lipstick just a moment ago, considering the majority of it was now on Tony’s face and neck.

“Grease and lipstick, the only things I ever want to stain my shirts.” He murmured and Loki only barely heard him. The redhead pulled back, rubbing away the most obvious marks on his skin with her thumb.

“I’d rather you have no stains.”

“I’m pretty sure half my stains are your fault, you dirty bird.” He nuzzled against her neck and she giggled.

“Oh shut up Tony.”

He whispered a few more things to her. It was a very private moment and Loki felt oddly jealous. He made to turn away, but the slight noise caught Pepper’s attention.

“What’s _that_?” Her words cut straight through him.

“Oh geez, Loki. Is that how they taught you to greet a lady up in Never-Never Land?” Tony covered his face with his hand. Loki scrambled to stand up, brushing away any dust he may have picked up. “I’m sorry, Pepper. I should have made him leave the room. It’s just so easy to forget he’s there sometimes.”

An odd combination of emotions overtook Loki. To anyone else they would feel disconcerting, but to him… it drove him to feel crazy in the most intoxicating of ways.

His whole body was awash with excited embarrassment, heady lust, and spiraling self-disgust.

“It’s fine. You know I’m used to dealing with all sorts.” She gave Loki a dismissive look before turning back to Tony. “Besides, I’m sure you can make it up to me somehow.”

“Definitely.” Tony knocked aside the robot he had been working on for the past few hours and lifted Pepper onto the counter. He paused, just for a moment, looking at Loki. “Go away.”

Loki nodded in response, hurrying to his room. The last thing he glanced was Tony reaching into the fridge while Pepper blushed madly.

* * *

Pepper (or Ms. Potts, as Tony instructed him to call her) was not around often. The second time Loki saw her it was a month later.

He was in the living room (tired from the thorough fucking he just got), sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch. The TV was on, an animal documentary playing that neither Loki nor Tony were paying attention to. The latter was on a tablet, editing schematics. The former was caught in the subtle sensation of his hair being brushed through. Tony lazily twisted and pulled at Loki’s dark locks. It was a constant reminder of Tony’s presence. Not that Loki could ever forget.

Ms. Potts came in, talking animatedly on the phone. She only stopped briefly to give Tony a quick peck on the cheek before heading to their room.

Once again Loki was jealous of her.

He’d been living in the penthouse for two months and he had still not seen Tony’s room.

Loki couldn’t fault him for that though.

He wasn’t enough… That room was only meant for the people who mattered.

Pepper came back into the living room in casual clothing and Tony immediately pushed Loki away in favor of Ms. Potts, in favor of someone who wasn't a monster. The couple snuggled up together and Loki was left wanting.

Always wanting more.

Want, want, want- That’s all Loki seemed to boil down to- a want that was so powerful it bordered on being a _need_.

Loki could hear the couple behind him whisper softly to each other. He tugged at his own hair, pulling it to his limit.

He was painfully hard, curled up into the fetal position, forehead on his knees. He pulled his legs in tighter, just trying to relieve some of the ache.

A calloused hand touched his hands and Loki automatically loosened his grip. Tony ran his fingers through Loki’s hair, soothing the ache to his scalp.

It wasn’t enough, and Loki just wanted more.

“Relax, just rest.” He guided Loki’s head so that it was leaning against Tony’s thigh. It was slightly uncomfortable, but somehow Loki fell asleep just moments later.


	2. Chapter 2

Cooking was sort of Loki’s thing now.

It gave him a bit more worth and something to do.

He had a mental list of things Tony did and didn’t eat, foods he favored and meals he only ate while drunk.

Today he was making a pressed sandwich slathered in Dijon, honeyed ham, and imported cheese. He cut up an apple adding it to the side, despite knowing Tony wouldn’t eat it. Ms. Potts made it very clear to him that there needed to be a fruit or vegetable with every one of Tony’s meal.

Loki blended one of the noxious smoothies Tony always drank while coding.

Carefully he gathered the various items and put them on a tray, arranging them nicely.

Jarvis opened the elevator for Loki and took him down to the lab floor. Once there Jarvis announced his presence, but he had to be granted access in order to enter the lab. He fidgeted as he waited, watching Tony through the glass wall.

He glanced at the oxidizing apple slices and silently cursed himself for not coating them with lemon juice.

Five minutes after he arrived Loki was allowed to enter the cluttered room. The music was surprisingly quiet compared to usual. The change put Loki on edge.

Tony was leaning over a work bench, magnifying goggles over his eyes and a small instrument in each hand. The object he was working on looked delicate and deadly. It was all sharp edges, with a panel open revealing intricate wiring.

He set aside his goggles and looked at Loki from head to toe, frowning until he spotted the tray of food. Setting aside his tools Tony walked over. He picked at the browning apple slices, before turning to the sandwich. Loki was surprised that he didn’t comment on the subpar fruit.

Tony motioned for him to place the tray on one of the few empty tables.

“You’d make a terrible housewife.” Tony said while watching him. Loki froze as near silent footsteps approached him from behind. A calloused hand slowly wrapped around Loki’s throat, squeezing just enough to make it difficult for Loki to breathe. He was pulled backwards against Tony’s chest. Loki shivered as an almost electric buzz went through him. “Well, at least you’re as pretty as a woman and you do like to take it like- what did you call Tasha again? A mewling quim?” Loki tried to nod in response, but Tony’s grip tightened, a silent warning. “Perhaps I should make you my house wife. Hmm, what do you think of that?” As Tony spoke he snaked his arm around Loki’s waist, unbuttoning his jeans. “I bet you’d enjoy walking around in a frilly little apron. It would fit your personality better than any armor ever did.”

Tony bit into Loki’s shoulder, causing Loki to let out a broken whimper. He braced his hands against the table, his mind running wild with the thought of what was to come. Tony slipped his hand into Loki’s jeans.

“House wife is a bit too prestigious for you though. After all, you’re just my house whore at best.” Loki shuddered, both from Tony’s words and touch. “Do you know what you are at worst?” He brushed his thumb over the head of Loki’s dick. “Answer me.”

Loki’s thoughts were racing, trying to remember every name, every insult Tony had thrown his way. There were so many everyday, ranging from anything as innocuous as Bambi to as crude as cumslut.

“I’m…” He could barely breathe with Tony’s hand around his neck. “I’m, just a- a warm hole.” Somehow saying those words out loud made Loki’s mind fall apart and body become oversensitive.

“Very true, but worse than that…” Tony pulled down Loki’s jeans. “You’re a distraction and just like any distraction you’ll be tossed aside when I’m bored of you.” Loki moaned and tried to thrust into Tony’s fist. “Stop.” The command was accompanied by a death grip on his throat, cutting off Loki’s ability to breathe. “Hand me the lube and so help me if you don’t have it I’ll fuck you with motor oil.” Loki fumbled, reaching into his pocket for the small bottle of lube he always carried. Tony released his hold on Loki’s neck and he gasped for air. “Clothes off, now.”

From behind him Loki could hear Tony undoing his jeans. Loki pulled off his charcoal grey shirt, folding it precisely he placed it next to the tray of food. As he leaned down to pull off his jeans the rest of the way a slicked finger penetrated him suddenly.

Loki let out a startled moan and pushed himself backwards, impaling himself further. Tony quickly pulled out of him.

“Damn it, Loki. I told you to stop. Control yourself.” Tony kicked at Loki’s heels and he understood immediately. He spread his legs and bent his knees slightly. “Better.” One of Tony’s hands gripped Loki’s throat again while the other began prepping him. Loki bit down on his lip and Tony somehow knew. “No, I want to hear you.” He let out a long moan as Tony prodded Loki’s prostate.

His hold on Loki’s throat tightened. He was torn between meeting Tony’s movements so that he would choke and being still so that he wouldn’t have to wait as long to be filled. Tony said he wanted to hear him though. If his airway was blocked further the only noises he’d be making were strangled grunts.

Tony’s fingering wasn’t enough. Loki’s whole body was urging him to move backwards, but he had to keep in control. He had to be useful- being disobedient was not useful. He wasn’t useful- He was nothing and eventually Tony was going to throw him away- then he’d have nowhere to go, just a blemish on any realm he went to.

Loki gripped the edge of the table harder, staring at the tray of food in front of him, trying to restrain himself. His legs were shaking as Tony added two more fingers. His vision was starting to blur, both from lack of air and tears.

He wanted to badly to just fuck himself against Tony’s fingers, to finally get rid of the lust that addled his mind. Tony kept graze his fingers over the sensitive spot inside Loki, each time making him gasp desperately for more friction and air.

“Please…” Loki rasped out.

“Hmm, did you say something, house whore?” Tony circled around Loki’s prostate repeatedly, not touching it. Loki moaned and arched. He was going to die- he was so certain he was going to die it he wasn’t filled soon.

“Please Tony, I need more.” His words were barely understandable, mangled by sobs.

“What you _need_ is to know your place.” Tony pressed two fingers hard against Loki’s prostate. His knees buckled as an agonizingly pleasure shot through him. The only things that kept him from completely falling was Tony’s grip on his neck and the edge of the table Loki was holding onto. The sudden additional weight on his neck cut off his airway and he flailed, one hand slipping to the side.

He was yanked up by his throat as Tony pulled out his fingers and replaced it with his dick in one smooth motion. Loki’s mouth gaped wordlessly as his mind went blank, overwhelmed by the sensation.

His back was plastered to Tony’s chest. Loki tried to regain his footing, but each powerful thrust pushed him forward until he fell onto the table, knocking over the smoothie. His dick was trapped between the table and his body. Tony’s grip on his throat eased only long enough for Loki to take a breath before it was pushed out him by a well aimed thrust.

It was all too much- his knees hitting the cabinet beneath the table, the pressure on his throat, his dick rubbing against the table, his chest covered in cold smoothie, the darkness creeping into the edges of his vision, the pressure that was building up, being stretched from the inside- trying to meet every thrust-

“Filthy, disgusting, princess-” Each word was said with a perfectly angled thrust. “All of Asgard would be laughing if they saw you right now.” Loki whimpered in response, unable to speak. “They’d laugh and jeer- but no one would be surprised.” Loki started regaining his footing, but Tony kicked at his ankle causing Loki to fall backwards slightly, impaling himself further. “They all knew you’d end up like this, a quivering mess being fucked up the ass.” Loki was pushed harder against the table, the last air in his lungs being forced out.

He was right, Tony was always right.

Loki knew he must look pathetic crying and wordlessly begging for more.

He clawed at the table, trying to grab onto something so he could meet Tony’s movements. His mind was blurring, all that he was aware of was his own building orgasm and worthlessness. He was hysterical, cycling from pleasure, self-hate, anger, insignificance, and need- each emotion changing every time Tony thrust into him.

Loki was going to die. He was sure of it. If the lack of air didn’t kill him than they explosion of his release would.

The burning of his lungs, the squeezing of his neck, his body grinding into the table, the barrage against his prostate, and the hate filled words of his inadequacy and depravity whispered in his ear.

He was so close that it was painful.

Then Tony abruptly let go of Loki’s neck. He gasped in deeply, clarity hitting his brain before he climaxed so hard he screamed out what little air he had taken in. His mind was imploding into a black hole while his body was being destroyed and put back together all at once- each cell bursting with euphoric release.

The sensation cascaded through him in waves. Every aftershock was as good as the first, reducing him into a twitching being that could only weep and feel.

He was unaware Tony was finished with him until he felt himself slide off the table and onto the floor, dragging the tray of food with him. The plate smashed on the concrete floor and the tray landed on top of him.

Loki’s gasps were stuttered and broken. He was trembling. He wanted to curl up into a ball, but his body refused to comply.

His head lolled to the side and he saw the apple wedges beside him, all discolored and abandoned. He felt a strange sense of empathy for them. It was stupid thought and he knew it.

The feeling passed by the time his breathing slowed down. Loki turned onto his side once he was in control of his body once more. Further back in the lab Tony was working again, not caring about Loki presence or pathetic state. It made Loki feel both thankful and empty. He forced himself to stand up so he could clean the mess he’d created. The smoothie and his cum were already semi-dry on him.

Loki piled up the broken pieces of plate, sandwich, and apple wedges onto the tray, washing the whole area with a wet cloth, before heading upstairs for a quick shower and to make Tony another meal.


	3. Chapter 3

Loki liked watching the rain. The soft pitter patter of the drops against the glass was soothing. It blurred the outside world that he was uncertain even existed.

He was not aware of the passage of time. The six month anniversary of his invasion would have gone unnoticed if not for Jarvis flipping through the channels while Tony drank his morning coffee. Loki had tried reading his expression, but the engineer did not seem to have seen the news banner that ran on the bottom of the screen.

That had been hours ago though. Tony and Ms. Potts had left earlier dressed in eveningwear. It was dark outside now, dark inside too. Jarvis hadn’t bothered turning on the lights for Loki when he sat in the living room. Loki was fine with that. It allowed him to watch the raindrops catch the stray New York lights as they raced down the glass panes.

He was used to the dark anyway. It was all he knew in the Void, other than spiraling madness. At least now he was comfortably snuggled in Tony’s favorite seat with a soft blanket wrapped around him. He wasn’t cold, thirsty, or hungry. Anywhere he could go people would hate him, and this penthouse was no exception, but at least here he was also accepted. Loki didn’t have to hide himself.

Tony accepted him as an easily ignored nuisance and Ms. Potts tolerated him since that was easier than arguing with Tony about Loki’s presence. He knew that she could easily sway Tony into throwing him out, or worse locking him away.

Loki did his best to avoid her, but there were some instances where he could not such as when he was in the middle of cooking when she arrived on the penthouse floor. The hall from the elevator to the rest of the floor first opened to the kitchen. He had been in the middle of making crepe batter for breakfast tomorrow when she walked in, immaculate as ever. Loki had moved out of her way when she walked into the kitchen, but had ended up scrambling back over when he realized she was about to use the coffee maker. He quickly unplugged the hand mixer he’d used earlier and plugged back in the coffee maker.

Ms. Potts hadn’t commented, but Loki still counted that as a point on the long list of reasons she’d use to convince Tony to kick him out, not that he needed a reason to do so…

Loki was pulled out of his musings by the lights in the hallway coming on. He looked towards it, pushing himself further into his seat and the shadows. A mechanical ping alerted him to the elevator doors opening. He recognized Ms. Potts’ giggling and Tony’s muffled voice. There was a faint clattering followed by more giggling. A moment later Loki saw the couple. Tony was carrying Ms. Potts in his arms and her face was flushed. His glazed brown eyes made it clear he was intoxicated.

“Pepper Potts, forget-me-notts.” Tony crooned to her and she leaned up to kiss him on the cheek. “Sage green eyes, killer thighs.”

“Tony,” she pretended to threaten him and he chuckled.

“The softest lips, grab-able hips.” Tony spun them around and she let out a shriek. “I love you, yes I do, Pepper Potts.” His voice echoed as they disappeared down the hallway and to their bedroom.

Loki bowed his head and brushed his hand through his hair, wishing it was Tony’s hand.

“It’s not fair…” His words were barely a whisper.

But it was fair. A part of him knew that.

Loki wasn’t supposed to get what he wanted. He didn’t deserve what he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the chapters are going to be random lengths, fyi. Though I'll try to make them longer than this one.


	4. Chapter 4

“Bambi, come here.” Tony called out, his eyes closed as he laid on the couch. Loki silently moved to him, kneeling beside him. “Give me your hand.” Tony placed Loki’s hand on his forehead, groaning as the coldness soothed his headache. “I can feel you staring at me. Look somewhere else.” Loki held back a sigh and closed his eyes, trying to stay calm.

Loki wanted to rest his head on Tony’s chest, hear him breath and his heart beat, but he knew he couldn’t. Tony made it very clear when he allowed him to stay that Loki wasn’t allowed to touch him without permission.

At least this close he could smell him, could feel the warmth radiating from him.

And it was just the two of them today… Ms. Potts had left earlier in the morning, on the phone as usual.

Now it was just Tony and Loki… Or Tony with his Jotun icepack.

It was something though. He was useful like this at least.

Without having to be told he switched hands. Tony relaxed further.

“What do you have planned for today?” Loki asked then cringed out how meek he sounded. Tony glanced at him.

“Someone’s feeling bolder than usual.” Before Loki could start mentally berating himself Tony tugged at his arm until Loki was draped across Tony’s chest. He carded through Loki’s dark hair. “Well, Reindeer Games, once this killer hangover fades I was planning on doing some research, take in a lot of information and see if it ignites any new ideas. That’s all for what’s on my agenda.” Loki could feel Tony’s voice rumble against his cheek. “How about you? Do you have any plans?”

“I have no plans save cooking a homemade pizza later tonight.” It was comforting, feeling the slight rise and fall as Tony breathed.

“You are surprisingly not terrible at cooking.” Loki felt a childlike happiness flutter through his chest because of Tony’s compliment. “Jarvis, you might as well start reading to me those articles I bookmarked last night.”

“Of course, Sir. Any particular order?”

“Alphabetical, and skip the one published by Dr. Foster. I’m sure we can find an unedited version if we dig around in SHEILD’s mainframe.”

The AI started droning out on various subjects that did not interest Loki. The only thing that interested him was the man that was allowing him to lean on him. Despite his knees getting sore from kneeling on the marble floor and the tightness in his back from keeping the majority of the weight of his upper body off Tony, Loki was feeling rather peaceful, letting his thoughts be swept away with every brush of Tony’s hand through his long black hair.

If only this is how things could be forever. Just him and Tony, no one else to remind Tony just how pathetic Loki is. He’d never be left alone in the corner of a dark room again.

Loki loved this. He loved how easily Tony could make him forget who he is. How he could give him a brief reprieve from the knowledge of his shortcomings with just a soft touch. It was truly amazing.

Loki loved him. He knew he shouldn’t, that it would only make Loki feel worse when Tony finally got rid of him, but he couldn’t help it. He’d always been a slave to his emotions and this was no exception.

But Tony made it clear on the day he accepted him into his household that he’d never love Loki. In a way that made things a bit easier for Loki. At least he was under no delusions that the sentiment would be returned. That knowledge made it worse too, knowing what he wanted would never be his. Tony had Ms. Potts after all and she was kind, beautiful, determined, and worthy of his love. And he was just Loki, unable to be kind, good looking only on the outside, constantly flip flopping, and wholly unworthy of anything besides disdain.

Loki breathed in deeply, memorizing Tony’s scent.

Worst of all one day Tony was going to die and Loki would be left alone all over again. Loki would crawl into some hole in the middle of nowhere and just cry, because once again he’d be lost with no home and no chance of ever finding this sort of peace again.

Without warning Tony pushed Loki off of him while sitting up. The god fell backwards, hitting his lower back against the coffee table.

“J, open a new file and call it: The Xanatos Grid Beta. Order up a ton of copper wiring. Bring up a map of New York and tell Dum-E that daddy has a new project and he’ll definitely need the fire extinguisher.” Tony said quickly while standing and heading towards the elevator. He was still spouting off instructions when he got into the elevator.

Loki crawled onto the abandoned couch. Once again he’d been discarded. Tony hadn’t even offered him a backwards glance.

Loki was nothing more than a murderer and disappointment. He deserved this, to be hated and looked down upon.

The god turned to lie on his stomach, breathing in Tony’s scent and squirming. He was hard, Loki was always so hard because of Tony. Because he didn’t hide his disdain or pretend to care. He knew how terribly Loki is and still allowed him to stay. He told him the truth when all of Loki’s life had been a series of lies.

“Please…” Loki whispered before biting down on his bottom lip. He could imagine that Tony hadn’t left, that he was still here holding him. He could picture it as this imaginary Tony pulled him onto the couch until they were spooning. He’d laugh into Loki’s ear while groping him.

_“You love me? Do you even know what that means? Or have you just been watching Lifetime again?”_ Loki could almost feel Tony’s hand wrap around Loki’s hardened member. _“Why do I even bother with you? You’re not even that good of a lay.”_ Tony would start pumping him at an agonizingly slow pace, continuously whispering in his ear. Loki would swallow down his whimper and try and keep still.

But right now he didn’t have to keep still. He wanted to reach inside his jeans and bring himself to completion, but knew Jarvis would report him for being indecent and he’d be kicked out.

Instead he retreated into his own head, submerging himself in the fantasy as he rutted against the couch.

_“That pretty little mouth is not going to hold my attention forever. Tell me, have you ever choked on a dick before? I think I’ll make you choke.”_

Loki grinded his hips into the couch, straining his legs as he pushed against the armrest to get more friction.

_“Keep that up, Dasher, and I’ll lock you in the basement and forget you every burdened me and mine.”_

He grabbed onto the pillow, hiding his face in it to keep a moan from escaping as he rubbed himself against the couch harder.

_“You better not get my furniture dirty. I’d rather get rid of you than have to get a new couch.”_

Loki arched his lower back into the cushions, thrusting desperately.

_“Fine, you can lay in my bed with me. Just don’t act like a cat in heat again.”_

With that thought, Loki came embarrassingly quick grinding down into the couch. Instinctively he bucked a few more times trying to draw out his pleasure. When the last of his cum spurted into his jeans he rolled off the couch, not wanting to soil it.

On the ground once more… where he belonged.

“I’m sorry.” He hadn’t meant to abuse Tony’s mercy. Tony had told Loki to never touch him, and he’d done something worse he _made_ Tony touch him, even if it was only in his imagination. “Pathetic- the worst! I’m sorry!” Loki grabbed the pillow off the couch and smothered his words and tears.

He allowed himself to cry in hopes of ridding himself of his guilt and ever present want.

His sobs echoed off the glass walls and marble floors, until it was all he could hear. Even after his eyes had long since dried and exhaustion pulled him into unconsciousness he could still hear it.


	5. Chapter 5

It was another relaxing evening, just the two of them. They were both in the living room, Loki reading on the recliner while Tony laid out on the couch tweaking with Jarvis' base code. The television was on in the background playing a movie loudly that neither was watching.

Loki was humming under his breath to the rhythmic tapping of Tony's fingers over the tablet.

The god could hardly believe his luck. Ms. Potts was set to be gone for the next two weeks, Tony had no meetings scheduled, and no one had attacked the Avengers recently. If things kept going this way he'd have Tony all to himself, if only for a while.

Loki had to use this time wisely, use it so make himself more useful and valuable.

But what could he do?

Tony could read him so easily. Anything Loki did would be seen through immediately.

Loki was used to not getting what he wanted and Tony made it clear he'd never be good enough.

_"I can promise you one thing, Reindeer Games. No matter what you do, no matter how you try to improve your pathetic self, no one will ever love you, especially not me."_

There had to be a way though. Even if Loki was a monster he knew he was attractive and that Tony thought his magic was interesting. Those had to count for something… they were probably the only reasons he tolerated him this much-

"What the hell is going on here?" Both Tony and Loki looked up at once to see the Black Widow emerge from the hallway, pistol drawn and pointed directly at Loki's head.

"Oh, hey Tasha." Tony looked back down at his tablet, tapping the screen. "Guess I shouldn't have told you that Jarvis would be down for a couple hours. Where's Legolas? Rooting through my underwear drawer?"

"Don't play coy, Stark. What is he doing here?" She reached for her phone and Loki looked to Tony, not knowing what to do.

"Sir," Jarvis' voice said from above. "System reboot successful. All wireless communications blocked. Nesting Doll program initiated."

"I don't need to call back up to put a bullet between your-" The assassin stopped talking mid-sentence, her eyes widening infinitesimally. Loki followed her line of sight to the TV. On screen was an image of the red head in sunglasses sitting across from an older woman who was smiling.

"This photo was taken by one of Stark Industries investigators when you were being considered for the position of my PA. It didn't raise any red flags during the initial background check, but once I learned that you weren't Natalie Rushman I had my investigators dig further." Tony said, setting aside his tablet and sitting up straighter. "What would Barton say if he knew you were still in contact with the wife of one of the Red Room Academy's best instructors?"

"Stop it." Natasha said while lowering her gun and her head.

"Did you know Barton's in love with you? What am I saying? Of course you do."

"Enough, Tony." The gun fell out of her hand, clattering loudly on the ground. "What is it you want?"

"Geez, I hate strong arming people outside of the boardroom." Tony brushed his hand over his goatee. "Come over here and take a seat." Loki watched her carefully as she sat in the recliner across from him. "J, what are the locations of the other Avengers?"

"Agent Barton is trying to infiltrate one of the business floors and the other Avengers are all on floors they have clearance for." Jarvis reported.

"Super. Keep Birdbrain at bay."

"Yes Sir."

Tony sighed loudly and Natasha tensed.

"Blitzen, go get me a drink. The adults need to talk." Tony waved his hand towards the bar and Loki immediately stood up. "You want anything to drink, Tasha?"

"No, I'm fine. Just tell me what's going on and what it will take to keep this- _all_ of this between us." The assassin said while watching Loki move past her.

Loki internally panicked. He was certain that this would be the thing that finally spurred Tony into getting rid of him.

Loki mentally reprimanded himself. He should have been more alert- should have heard her coming. He let his guard down despite knowing that the people that defeated him lived in this building.

"You might want to get one for yourself, Bambi." Tony said as Loki looked at the various decanters, trying to gauge which drink Tony would like best in this situation. After choosing one of the more burning scotches for Tony Loki poured himself a warming brandy.

He could feel the redhead's heated glare as he walked by her and to Tony's side. The engineer smiled in thanks and Loki calmed down a bit, sitting on the floor, leaning his shoulder against Tony's leg without thought.

"Hmm, where should I start?" Tony took a sip of scotch and began idly playing with Loki's hair. He leaned into the touch and tried to ignore the hate filled look Black Widow was giving him. It made him antsy and mildly aroused.

"Start with why you're harboring one of SHEILD's most wanted."

"Awfully demanding considering you're at the disadvantage in this negotiation." Tony snorted. "I suppose you can say that this lost little god is here because I pity him." Tony pulled on Loki's hair till he was looking up at him. "Why don't you tell Tasha why you're here." It was a command. Loki brought his knees up to his chest to hide his growing erection.

He glanced at the assassin before taking a sip of his drink, trying to find the right words.

"I… I am here because Tony allows me to be." He said and could feel a blush heat up his face.

"Now, now no need to pretend to be more than you really are. Tell the lady why you're really here." Tony's hand drifted from Loki's hair to the back of his neck, giving him a warning squeeze.

"Because I'm a blemish on the nine realms and this is the only place where I'll be tolerated." Loki glanced backwards at the engineer who nodded. Warmth bloomed in his chest at Tony's silent approval.

"That doesn't explain why you're keeping a murderer here."

"As my former PA you are well aware I'm a sucker for a pretty face and tight body- even if he's useless and not worth the money I spend to feed him." Loki hid his face against Tony's thigh and pulled his legs closer to his body. "He couldn't hurt a fly- or more accurately I'd break him then cast him out if he ever did anything unacceptable." Loki squeezed his legs, trying to hold back his anxiety at the thought of being alone again. "Tell her the rules of my household."

Loki hesitantly peeked up at the assassin before speaking.

"Six rules: I'm not allowed to talk to Ms. Potts unless she talks to me first, I'm only allowed on this floor of the tower and the lab, but only when Tony's there, I'm not allowed to go into their bedroom, I'm not allowed to touch anyone, I have to be clean and dress proper, and I have to always carry a bottle of lube with me." Loki counted them off on his fingers as he spoke. The redhead gave him an unreadable expression that made Loki want to hide against Tony again.

This was too much. He wasn't supposed to be excited by simply stating the rules Tony had set in place for him. He wasn't supposed to get hard because someone glared at him and Tony pulled his hair.

"Let me get this right, a war criminal shows up on your doorstep and offers to become you sex toy and you don't think that's some sort of trick? You even let him into your lab?" Natasha said, her hands balling into fists. Loki wanted to defend himself, tell her that he wasn't capable of tricking Tony, but he knew she wouldn't listen, that he wasn't trustworthy enough to be heard.

"Technically I invited him here and he knew exactly what that invitation entailed." Tony leaned forward to whisper in Loki's ear. "Honestly, Bambi, you're so bothersome. You've got one of the world's best assassins annoyed at me. It might just be easier to hand you over to SHEILD or your brother." His voice dropped lower. "Ya know… I have countless hours of you getting fucked up the ass recorded. I could make the whole world laugh at you with just the click of a button."

Loki gasped and he felt lightheaded at the prospect.

"Please…" Loki's lips trembled and he just wanted to be filled, to get rid of the pressure that was already building up inside of him without even being touched.

"Please? Please what? Please fuck you? Please throw you out? Please release the videos? You really ought to be more specific."

"Please… anything, I- I just _need_." He was close to just crawling onto Tony's lap and rutting against him.

"Anything?" Tony's grin had a malicious glint to it that made Loki want to bend over and take whatever was coming.

"Anything, please-"

"Then be quiet. I still haven't finished talking to Agent Romanoff yet. You may touch yourself, but keep it in your pants. We don't want to scare her off, now do we?" Loki palmed himself, letting out a relieved groan. "Now, where were we Tasha, before we were so rudely interrupted…" The god turned his head slightly to watch the engineer toy with her. "Of course! We were discussing why I allowed him here." Tony chuckled. "Well, the why of it is irrelevant. He's staying until I say otherwise and you're not going to breathe a word of this to anyone else or I'll send your world crashing down around you.

"You may not be trading secrets, but SHEILD wouldn't care about that when they saw this photo. I own the three banks you have lockboxes in and I'm aware of all your get away funds. I have more dirt on you, but there's no need for me to reveal my hand. If I should die suddenly or if my stuff," he glanced pointedly at Loki, "should be taken from me all this information will be released to SHEILD and information about that job you did in Ostrov in 1998 will be sent to the Toporov family. They employ excellent assassins and would be more than happy to take their revenge." Loki stroked himself faster, loving this new side of Tony. "All you have to do is keep silent and just tell Fury that Jarvis came back online before you could do whatever it was that you were planning on doing. How does that sound to you?"

Natasha sat motionless, her eyes flickering between the surprisingly devious engineer and the wanton god. She took in a slow breath before releasing it at an even slower pace.

"Fine. I know when I'm beaten. All I ask is that you tell me if he ever gets out of hand or if you want to get rid of him." The assassin stood up, feeling shaken in a way she hadn't been since she was a child.

"Will do." Tony watched her carefully as she headed to the elevator. "Oh and Tasha," she paused, looking back at him, "I'll be setting up a college fund for little Nathan." Her eyes widened and Loki could see genuine fear in them. "Don't worry. I'd never hurt a kid." Tony raised his glass up in a mock of a toast. "Don't let it be said that I never did anything nice for you."

Natasha's shoulders slumped and she quickly retreated.

Tony glanced to the deity on the floor. He was still desperately touching himself.

"Please... Tony, please…" Loki begged clawing at the couch with one hand and touching himself with the other. Tony stood up, glass still in hand.

"Pathetic." Tony abruptly pushed Loki over with his foot. "I can't even look at you right now." Loki gasped and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ingrain Tony's look of disgust to the back of his eyelids. He could hear Tony walking away and it only made Loki ache more for his touch.

"Tony…" He moaned and begged all at once, already so close. The engineer did not acknowledge him, only continued on his way. Loki finally undid his jeans and slipped his hand inside.

Tony had defended him, even if it was for selfish reasons. He threatened one of his comrades for Loki. The god's whole mind was spinning chaotically, trying to make sense of it all. Tony protected him and then quickly pushed him away.

Then he remembered Tony called him 'his stuff' and the pieces fell into place again. Tony was defending him the same way he'd defend anything that he owned. It wasn't because he liked Loki, it was because he didn't like people touching his stuff.

Loki rocked his hips into his hand, wishing it was Tony's hand, yet glad that it wasn't so that Tony wouldn't see him this broken and pitiful. Why did he always blubber like a baby whenever he was close to coming? He was so ashamed, yet the need to come was driving him crazy.

He'd never be good enough, never worthy of more than just a glare, getting fucked was a privilege, not a right-

Loki's pace picked up.

This is where he belonged, on the floor and desperate, fucking his hand and crying.

He'd never be more than this- and with that thought he came, moaning Tony's name.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long chapter (by my standards)! Hope you enjoy!

Loki stared intently at the cookbook, making sure he was doing everything right. More than ever he had to do this right. Tony loved Ms. Potts and she had the flu. If Loki served her subpar chicken noodle soup he’d be furious.

The god took a tentative sip of the soup and was satisfied with the results. He chucked the soiled spoon into the sink before grabbing a bowl and clean silverware. He scooped up a hardy helping for her before placing it on a tray along with a cup of hot tea.

He carefully carried it down the hallway then hesitated in front of the bedroom door. During his whole stay here he’d only caught glimpses of its interior. It was a sacred place and Loki would only taint it.

He lightly knocked on the door and Tony granted him access. Loki tried not to swing his head around, staring at every inch of the room- the large TV on mute playing the news, the discarded clothes at the foot of the bed, the disheveled sheets, trashcan full of used tissues, the mini-fridge in the corner, Ms. Potts’ propped up in bed with a book, Tony sitting in an armchair that had been in the living room earlier in the day. The engineer’s legs were propped up on the bed, his feet barely touching hers.

Tony took the tray from Loki and quickly situated it in front of the strawberry blond woman. Tony read her expression as she took a sip of the chicken noodle soup. She faintly nodded.

“Tony, you could always take him to the charity ball. He’s a shape shifter after all.” She said after blowing on the steaming tea.

“What? And risk him sullying your image and reputation? No way.” Tony flicked his hand dismissively, ignoring Loki’s presence behind him.

“Loki, come here.” Ms. Potts called for him and Loki completely froze, not used to being directly talked to by her. He glanced at Tony who gave him an annoyed look for not immediately complying. He walked to Pepper’s side, standing between the couple. She took one of his hands in her own. Loki stared at their joined hands, not used to such a tender touch. “You can shape shift into anyone, right?”

“Yes.” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat, feeling awkward in comparison to how composed she looked despite being sick.

“Perfect, there’s a charity ball tonight that Stark Industries is hosting. As the CEO I’m expected to be there, especially since this is my pet project. You’ll pretend to be me and go as Tony’s date. You don’t have to talk to anyone or make any speeches.” Her kind smile lost its softness, making Loki tense up. “If you mess this up you won’t like what comes after it.” She let go of his hand.

“Jarvis, pull up some footage of Pepper at various events and put them on screen in the living room. Reindeer Games may know how to take it like a woman, but I doubt he knows how to act like a lady.”

“Footage from the last five charity balls have been uploaded on screen, special emphasis on decorum.” The AI announced.

“Thanks.” The CEO and engineer began promptly ignoring Loki. He easily got the hint and left, casting one last glance around the room.

As expected everything was already set up when Loki got to the living room. Loki tugged a soft blanket around him, settling himself on the couch.

The videos were exceedingly boring with no audio. He learned that Ms. Potts always sandwiched someone’s hand with her own two when she shook hands, that she never drank more than one champagne flute, she was a wonderful dancer, but usually declined any invitation to do so.

Loki tried to pay attention to her, but his eyes kept drifting to Tony. He’d never seen him so… charming. Even without hearing him Loki could tell that every word he spoke impressed.

It occurred to Loki that Tony could probably charm them all if he wanted to. He could rule them all, but he chose not to. He knew the limitations that leadership instilled.

Tony could lead, but chose not to. Loki tried to lead, but wasn’t strong enough to do so. It was just another one of the countless ways Tony was better than him…

Loki watched the videos on a loop until Jarvis announced he needed to get cleaned up for the event. When he got out of the shower there were a pair of heels and a dress hanging on the door, waiting for him. With an ease that came from years of practice Loki shifted his form. He examined himself dispassionately in the mirror. Different face, same person.

Jarvis told him to go to the living room. Ms. Potts was waiting for him there, a makeup bag in hand. She smiled amused.

“So this is what it feels like to have a twin.” She gestured for him to sit down before she started doing his makeup. He’d never been this close to her before and he made a special effort not to make any movements that may startle or annoy her.

Shortly after Ms. Potts had finished Tony walked around the corner, fixing his cufflink.

“Pep, a little help?” He gestured to the unknotted bowtie around his neck. She went over to him while sniffling and easily tied it properly. “You sure you’re going to be fine here by yourself?” Tony asked, gliding his hand up her bare arm.

“I’ll be fine. It’s you two I’m worried about.” Tony glanced at Loki who was still sitting on the couch, legs crossed the way Ms. Potts always did.

“Don’t worry. He’ll be on his best behavior and I’ll keep him within arm’s reach at all times.” As he spoke he looked at Loki in a clear warning. Loki couldn’t afford to mess this up.

“I’ll be good.” He assured them, trying to look demure.

“See, everything is going to be just fine. Now go back to bed and get better so that we can lots of awesome celebratory sex tomorrow.” He started steering her back to their room.

“Celebratory?”

“The Burke group is going to be there tonight. I plan on wrapping up negotiations with them before the silent auction begins.” For some reason the redhead scoffed. “Come on, you know their CFO loves me and I think his daughter is trying to get into MIT. One call from me and she’s in. I can close this deal.”

“Oh, I have no doubt that you can. You are aware that this is a charity function, usually people don’t like conducting business during those.” Pepper said and it was Tony’s turn to scoff.

“If they had it their way, all their employees would work through Christmas.” He gave her a brief kiss on the cheek. “Go to sleep and I’ll join you in a few hours, okay?”

“Fine, just be sure to keep that _thing_ ,” she pointed to Loki with her thumb, “out of trouble.” They disappeared around the corner and Loki relaxed a bit.

Tony reappeared a moment later, a long coat draped over his arm.

“That’s one of Pepper’s favorite dresses so don’t spill anything on it.” Tony said to Loki while handing him the coat. He put it on and briefly admired the quality of the material. It was finer than the things Tony usually provided him with.

Tony tugged on his arm and Loki followed him obediently.

It had been so long since he’d been outside of the tower. Everything was surprisingly loud and he was grateful when he was ushered into the spacious black car waiting for them.

“Ms. Potts.” The driver said kindly. Loki nodded with a smile, playing his part.

Inside the car Tony sighed and leaned back in his seat, eyes falling shut. Loki sat beside him, but kept distance between them so that he wouldn’t be tempted. He wanted to reach out and assure Tony that everything would be fine, but knew his words would just fall on hollow ears.

Instead Loki just stared out the window at the dark city. There were no obvious marks of his misguided invasion and everyone looked either happy or in a hurry. Some were smoking cigarettes and Loki fleetingly wondered what the appeal was.

When the car stopped and the driver opened the door Loki moved to get out, but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t fuck this up.” Tony warned once more.

Loki nodded before exiting the vehicle. He was surprised by how many people were outside, flashing cameras and shouting questions. It was overwhelming, but Loki was quickly centered again when Tony looped his arm around Loki’s waist. Tony waved at the various people with a well rehearsed smile in place.

They all called out for him and Tony responded to each of them with short answers that were hollow yet charming.

So this is what admiration felt like, what it felt like for the public to love him instead of see him as the shadow of a greater being. It was breathtaking and short lived when he realized they were admiring Ms. Potts and Tony, not Loki.

Inside the large building a well dressed man helped Loki take off his coat.

Loki enjoyed the most likely subconscious touches Tony kept giving him. He’d touch Loki’s arm and hand periodically as if checking to see if he (Pepper) was still there. He’d brush against his (Pepper’s) hip. While talking to others Tony would bring him (her) closer, as if trying to include Loki (Pepper) into the conversation. And then he’d falter in his touches, remembering that the oddly silently person beside him was in fact not his lover. Loki could always see when he remembered. There would be the quickest flicker of disgust in his eyes before he hid it once more. When that happened Loki always looked down at his half full champagne flute and calmed himself. Now was not the time to be wanton, especially when he was pretending to be someone as regal as Ms. Potts.

Loki shamelessly took advantage of the situation and hoped that Tony wouldn’t notice. He held onto the crook of Tony’s arm the way he’d seen Ms. Potts do in most of the videos. He didn’t hide the unbridled love in his eyes when he looked at the engineer. He laughed freely at Tony’s jokes and fixed his bowtie when it became crooked. He wanted to steal a kiss from him, but knew that would be pushing things too far, especially since Ms. Potts never showed that level of affection in public.

“Come on. I have to make a speech.” Tony whispered to Loki, clasping Loki’s hand which was resting on the crook of Tony’s arm. Loki silently followed him. When they reached the privacy of backstage Tony immediately dropped Loki’s hand and put distance between them. At the edge of the stage he handed Loki his half finished drink. “Wait here.”

Tony brushed down the front of his tuxedo before the woman on stage announced him. There was a rush of applause which Loki joined in on as Tony walked to the podium.

Loki watched on in admiration as Tony made a speech about clean energy and the importance of the next generation. He was more watching the man then actually listening to the speech- until he felt a dark presence sneaking up behind him. Loki glanced at the metal rigging of the curtains and saw the reflection of a man dressed in a tuxedo. Loki didn’t react until he was standing next to him.

“I thought you were supposed to be making this speech.” The man said with a tone that meant they knew each other, but weren’t particularly close.

“Sore throat.” Loki lied effortlessly, taking a sip of champagne to burn time until Tony came back.

“So what is SI working on now-a-days? I find it hard to believe clean energy is your only focus.” He moved closer to Loki, smiling almost conspiratorially.

“Clean energy is important for the future and a field in need of improvement.” It was a line Tony had said not ten minutes prior. Loki was starting to feel panic edge closer to him. If he said the wrong thing this man would know something was wrong- and if he knew Tony would definitely know and Loki would be the one to suffer because of it.

Thankfully Tony finished his speech and headed over to them. He gave Loki a brief nod before glaring at the unnamed man.

“Hammer, I pulled out of the weapons industry and let you have my leftovers. You trying to steal my CEO now?” Tony asked while pulling the look alike to his side. Loki melted against him, not able to help himself.

“Just discussing business, nothing having to do with you.” Hammer smiled with too many teeth.

“Yeah, because my name isn’t the same as the company’s or anything.” Tony rolled his eyes before placing his hand on Loki’s lower back and guiding him away. “Be sure to donate a hefty penny, Justin. You might as well do something nice in your life for once.”

“Yeah, you too Tony.” Loki could tell that Hammer was searching for a good comeback, but the moment went by too quickly and he was left with only his drink in his hand.

“I tried not to talk to him-” Loki said in a panicked whisper when they were out of hearing range.

“Stop, stand up straight. Pepper would never be seen in public slouching.” Loki corrected his posture. “Just tell me what you said.”

“That I wasn’t making the speech because my throat is sore and that clean energy is important. Is that okay? I’m sorry I didn’t know what to do-”

“Hush Bambi.” Tony pulled Loki into his arms and the god caught his breath. “You did a good job. Hammer is just a weasel. Pep would have handled him the same way.” Tony ran his hand down the exposed skin of Loki’s back. The god sighed contently, feeling warm and almost loved. “The night is only half over though. You have to keep up the act. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes, I can do that, anything for you.” Loki whispered, not wanting to let go of him. Tony kissed him on his forehead and Loki was certain this must be a dream.

“I’m so proud of you, Loki.” The god gasped, completely freezing. Tony had never referred to him by name before, not directly at least, and definitely not while they were embracing. “All you needed was a firm hand and proper incentives.” Tony kissed him again, this time on the cheek. It took everything Loki had not to turn to meet Tony’s lips with his own. The engineer pulled back and Loki bit his lip to keep from whimpering at the loss of contact. “The silent auction is about to begin. Everyone is waiting for us.”

Tony laced his fingers with Loki’s and walked with him back to the crowded room. Even as Tony began talking to various people he never let go of Loki’s hand- something he didn’t even do when he was with Ms. Potts. He didn’t let his hand go the whole night, and Loki couldn’t help but feel that maybe there was actually hope, that maybe Tony might feel at least the slightest affection for him.


	7. Chapter 7

Loki slipped on Ms. Potts’ coat, still disguised as her as they exited the charity ball. Tony was on the phone talking to investors on the other side of the world, but still had his arm draped around Loki’s waist.

As the car door closes, isolating them Tony immediately pulls away from Loki- and just like that Loki’s happy daze came to an end.

Months ago he had stumbled upon a movie about a girl who was hated by those who were supposed to be her family, then she met a prince with the help of her fairy godmother, everything went perfectly until the clock struck midnight. This was Loki’s midnight- and he knew there was no glass slipper waiting to make him the apple of Tony’s eye.

Loki’s fairy tale was over before it could ever really begin.

He felt foolish and worse than that he felt childish. To be foolish meant he knew better, to be childish meant he’d been blindsided. He should have seen this coming. He should have _known_ this is how it was going to be.

Loki was playing dress up after all, pretending to be the lucky princess, _wanting_ to be her.

Oh how the Aesir would laugh at him if they knew he was playing at being a woman again. They never understood that he was male, no matter what form he appeared in, not that, that mattered anymore. He was hoping to never see any of them again.

Tony ended his call and tossed the cell phone onto one of the open seats, dropping his showman’s façade.

“Did I…” Loki gulped away the tightness in his throat. “Did I do alright?”

“Don’t fish for complements. It’s unsightly.” Tony said, his eyes fixed on the blurring outside world. Loki nodded mutely. He’d just have to hold onto the complements he got earlier from Tony. They would sustain him for now, or at least until he could retreat to his own room.

* * *

 

It had been two weeks since Loki last saw Tony and Ms. Potts.

The Avengers had been busy with some villain named Ultron. Tony didn’t have time to come back to the tower and Ms. Potts was staying at their house in California to play it safe. Loki was left all alone, watching the news daily for any information about Tony. Apparently his company was under attack and Dr. Banner had been captured. Director Fury also made the news, saving the president’s life. There was a new hero, Ant-Man fighting against Ultron with the Avengers.

Loki wanted to help, to end this whole ordeal so that things could go back to normal, but knew he’d only get in the way.

When Ultron was finally ‘neutralized’ as the reporters called it, Loki expected Tony to come back home that night or the day after, but it had already been three days.

Loki was sulking, buried beneath a pile of pillows and blankets on the couch.

“Sir will be returning shortly.” Jarvis announced and Loki stuck his head up out of his nest of warmth and fluff. He used a quick spell to clean up the area, making it look the same as it did the last time Tony saw it. “You are to go to your room, close the door, and remain silent until told otherwise.” Loki opened his mouth, wanting to protest, but knew he had no grounds to do so.

Glumly he did as instructed, laying on his bed, tugging the single sheet that made up his bedding over his head, hoping to fall asleep.

Sleep did not take him though. Twenty minutes later he caught the first hint of Tony coming home, but instead of hearing the engineer talking to Jarvis the voice that responded to him was female, and definitely not Ms. Potts’.

“Tina will be here soon. She had to catch a cab from the East side.” Loki could faintly hear a woman say.

“That’s alright. I’m sure you can keep my occupied until you sister gets here.” There was the distinct clicking of two glasses being placed on the bar. “No, leave on the garter belt and stockings.” The woman giggled and Loki felt sick. “Look at that, a perfect set.”

“Are you referring to my breasts or me and my twin?”

“Your breasts, still haven’t seen your sister yet. Come on, my room is this way. Jarvis will direct Tina up here when she arrives.”

Loki covered up his ears, squeezing his eyes shut, not wanting to acknowledge what was surely going on. He retreated to the en suite bathroom and laid in the bathtub.

He wasn’t enough, Loki was never enough. Of course Tony would get bored of him, possibly even completely forgetting about him. Of course he’d turn back to women, not as messy and didn’t need to be prepared more than a bit of foreplay. All the old news articles Loki had read about Tony made his preference for women clear. He knew Tony considered him to be a woman despite his evident anatomy. Of course Tony would get bored with Loki coming all over his stuff.

He’d lost his usefulness. This was surely his last night- and then what would Loki do? If he wasn’t captured again he’d be alone with nowhere to go.

He’d stay in New York! Yes, somewhere close enough to see Stark Tower and Iron Man take off from it. At least than he’d be close to where he used to be happy, make it easier to remember the good times.

Acquiring an apartment wouldn’t be too hard. He was well versed in schemes and cons. But after that, what could he do? Staring up at Stark Tower would surely just be torture, always seeing but never being able to touch or be touched.

Oh Norns, if Tony kicked him out no one would ever touch Loki again. His life would just be how Tony described it the first time they spoke: all alone with just his self-hatred and hard-on.

At some point during the night Loki fell into a fitful rest, his dreams undefined yet chilling.

“Sir has issued new instructions from his cellular device.” Jarvis said, startling Loki awake. He almost hit his head on the water spout, feeling idiotic for having fallen asleep in the tub.

“Yes?” Loki asked, pulling himself up.

“You are to shape shift into a human dissimilar to your own guise, but not of an actual individual. Sir has two guests in his bedroom that he wishes to leave post haste.”

“And he wants me to…” He couldn’t get this wrong. There was still the chance that Tony wasn’t planning to kick him out.

“Politely coax them from his bed and to the elevator. I recommend you take on a female form, as it can be quite disturbing for a woman to wake up naked and see a man she does not know.” Jarvis said. Loki nodded and quickly changed into a short blond woman.

“Am I allowed to mention his relationship with Ms. Potts?” Loki asked while slipping off his jeans and tying his belt around his waist to make the oversized shirt into a laid back dress.

“That is acceptable. There are disposable coffee cups in the kitchen. Ms. Potts usually offers up a cup of coffee as she gets rid of last evening’s distraction, in this case, two distractions.” Jarvis sounded vaguely amused.

“This happens often?”

“That question is irrelevant. The coffee is roasted and waiting to be dispensed. Best not waste any more time.” Even the AI knew he wasn’t worth being polite to.

Loki took a deep breath as he poured two cups of coffee, fixing them the way Ms. Potts usual took hers. If this is what he’d been reduced to… the one who got rid of Tony’s one nightstands Loki could live with that. At least he’d still be in his life, even if it meant Loki was left untouched.

The bedroom was wide open, with a trail of clothing leading to the bed. There were three occupants, Tony in the middle with a blond to his left and brunette to his right. The two women were still asleep while Tony was awake, leaning against the headboard working on his tablet. He glanced at Loki, nodding briefly.

“Hello ladies,” Loki used that word loosely, “I’m afraid this is the end of the night for you two.” The brunette was the first one to stir.

“Round three?” She asked, ignoring Loki.

“No round three.” Loki cut in, imitating Ms. Potts when she was annoyed at Tony. “It’s half past ten and Tony has many things on his schedule, none of which include a third round.”

“Are you sure?” She looked at Tony with wide eyes, letting the bed spread fall off her, revealing ample cleavage.

“I’m sure you don’t want to be done here when Ms. Potts, Tony’s lover gets back home.” Loki raised his voice and the other woman woke up.

“Mina, what’s going on?” The blond asked.

“Lame-sauce. We have to go. Tony’s girlfriend is going to be here soon.”

“No third round?”

“No third round.” She informed her sister.

“You need to hurry. She’ll be here soon.” That spurred the two women into action. They shamelessly got out of bed, nude save stockings on one and a pair of heels on the other. “I’ve made you some coffee. It’s waiting by the elevator.” Loki gestured for them to follow him.

“Bye Tony. Call us sometime.” One of the sisters said, trying to be seductive. It made Loki’s anger flare up.

“Mr. Stark does not double dip.” Loki said, before he could stop himself. He thought he’d gone too far until he heard Tony snort. The women pouted, but followed him out, taking their cups of coffee before getting onto the elevator. Loki hesitated for a moment, before heading back to check on Tony. “Is there anything else I can do for you?” He tried to sound appealing, but his words just came across as awkward.

“Yeah, get out of that form. If I wanted a blond I’d get one. Cook me up something and then we’re going to the lab.” Tony waved him off while getting out of bed and heading to the bathroom, Loki took a brief second to admire his body before leaving.

He changed back to his usual form and into clothing that were less wrinkled. Mindlessly he made enough food for the both of them. Tony walked in just as Loki finished cooking and plating the hardy meals. Tony very rarely sat down to eat, so the few times he did Loki was always sure to cook plenty of food.

Breakfast was eaten in silence and Loki’s thoughts teetered between worry and lust.

“Get undressed.” Tony said when they were down in the lab. Loki complied, watching as the engineer adjusted some machine. Loki fidgeted once he was nude. “Calm down, Reindeer Games. We’re here to work, not play.” If anything that made him more anxious. Loki knew what to expect when it came to play, but work was something else all together. “Stand over there.” Tony pointed to a circled off area surrounded by machines.

When he entered the circle there was a flash of light and Loki half thought that a picture had been taken of him, but dismissed that when he felt subtle rays of light ghost over his skin.

He looked to the engineer in question, but he was staring at a screen intently.

“Shape shift into someone else.” Tony ordered, his tone distant. Loki changed into one of the women from earlier, hoping to get a reaction from Tony. He didn’t even look up from his screen. “Good, now someone shorter.” There was another flash of light. “Try something heavier, a gorilla or something.” Tony clicked a few more buttons as Loki shifted. “Is there a noticeable strain each time you change? Loss of energy? Physical strain?”

Loki had to change back to his usual form before he could respond.

“It weakens my reserves, but I’m well versed in shape shifting so I know how to do so efficiently. The physical strain is minimal so long as I’m not confined.” He answered, feeling less and less like a person and more like a bug being dissected. He wouldn’t complain though. At least he was holding Tony’s attention- and his state of undress could lead to more than just science.

“Can you change from a solid to a liquid or gas?” Tony asked, finally looking away from the screen and to Loki.

“That’s a whole different type of spell. With shape shifting the closest I can get is by becoming a jellyfish or some other water based organism. I can turn myself into gas, but not a liquid.”

“Sublimation… interesting.” Tony hummed in thought. “Why can’t you change into a liquid?”

“It is too dangerous to do so. Liquids require containment in order not to fall apart. Their fixed volume makes it so that without containment-”

“They go everywhere. And gas can be compressed and decompressed. You can control the gas’ volume so it doesn’t need to be contained the way liquids would.” Tony said, cutting Loki off. He was once again impressed by the engineer. “With a liquid you’re static, but as a gas you can change your volume and create movement.”

“Exactly.” Loki tried to hold back his smile, but couldn’t help himself. He never had anyone he could really discuss the principles behind his magic with. It was very refreshing.

“Let me see it.” Tony ordered and Loki changed to a dark fog that could easily be mistaken for a shadow if placed correctly. “Change back.” The machines flashed as Loki became solid again. “Which type of transformation costs more energy when disregarding your personal efficiency in shape shifting? I’d assume the state change would cost more energy.”

“Yes, changing to a gas cost substantially more. I could only do so half a dozen times in one day before I start risking my health.”

“Fine. Switch two more times, twenty second intervals.” The sigh was evident in Tony’s voice, but Loki could feel his eyes on him, watching intently as he shifted back and forth. “Jarvis, put these readings under the Shifty Bastard file on my private server.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Come here, Dasher.” Tony called to him and Loki immediately complied, standing right in front of him, completely nude. “Turn around.” Loki heard Tony stand. He could feel the engineer just a step behind him. Tony guided Loki’s arms up, making him look like the Vitruvian Man. “Tell me, what have you been doing while Pep and I were gone?” Tony’s words were accompanied by a single finger tracing the contours of Loki’s upper back. His body came alive at the barest touch.

“Waiting.” Loki answered honestly.

“More details.” Tony’s finger ghosted over the notches of Loki’s spine.

“Reading, watching the news, and sleeping on the couch.” Tony’s finger dipped down to the small of Loki’s back, making the god’s breath hitch.

“I give you a perfectly good bed and you sleep on the couch?” Tony traced his way up, circling Loki’s shoulder before moving to his outstretched arm.

“I wanted to be there when you got back.” Loki could see Tony’s reflection. His brown eyes were analytical, devoid of the lust Loki was sure his own eyes were shinning with. His heart was already racing under Tony’s attention.

“And why do you assume I’d want you to be the first thing I saw once I got home after such a long fight?” Tony flattened his hand against Loki’s arm, before wrapping his hand around Loki’s wrist, pulling his arm back down to his side. After a moment he pulled the other one down too.

“I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted to see you.” Loki could hardly concentrate as Tony’s hands grabbed onto his hips, before letting go and taking a step back.

“Turn around.” Loki didn’t meet the engineer’s eyes, embarrassed by how excited he was while Tony was dispassionate. “Your eyes are rimmed red. Have you been crying recently?” Had he? Loki cried so often that it was hard to keep track.

“No, not today. I just didn’t sleep well.”

“And why is that?”

“I slept in the bathtub.” Loki cringed as he spoke, not sure what sort of reaction he would get.

“You must really hate your bed. If you’re not going to use it I might as well have it removed, donate it to someone who would be grateful to have it.”

“I’m grateful- Tony I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me-” The god sunk to his knees, begging for Tony to understand.

“I know, I know.” Tony crooned to him and Loki calmed down, feeling silly for overreacting. “You need to remember that I know you better than you know yourself.” Tony pushed back a tendril of Loki’s hair behind his ear, letting his hand linger on the kneeling god. “I always know what you need, how to keep you out of trouble, and keep you from hurting yourself or others. You know that, right?”

“Yes.” Loki whispered.

“I’m risking a lot by allowing you to stay in my home. Clint would kill me if he knew I was shielding you.” Tony softly cupped Loki’s face and the god leaned into the touch.

“I’m sorry.” He wasn’t sure he’d actually spoken aloud until Tony responded.

“I know.” Tony continued cradling Loki’s chin, randomly thumbing his high cheekbones and moist lips. “You poor affection starved creature.” Tony sat down in his chair, just a few feet away from Loki. “Two weeks of relatively no physical activity and you haven’t lost any muscle mass or definition. Color me impressed.” Tony stroked his goatee in thought. “Come here, sit on my lap. I want to look at you closer.”

Long limbs and pale skin filled Tony’s vision as Loki straddled his thighs. Once again Tony traced Loki’s contours, a single finger slowly glided over his collar bone, circling his pectorals. He brushed his thumbs against Loki’s nipples, causing the god to let out a whimper of need. Tony ignored him, a hand dipping lower to touch Loki’s tense abs. He ignored the place Loki wanted him to touch the most and Loki did his best not to quiver under his soft caresses. Tony finally rested his hands on Loki’s hips, idly reaching backwards to touch the dimples on the small of Loki’s back and spread his legs further apart.

“Lovely, absolutely lovely. Such a contrast with who you are on the inside though. If it was effortless to look this good the concept of making one’s self look good on the inside must be odd. It’s common actually, a good looking person having a shallow, terrible personality. Not many have gotten so bad as you though.”

“How did you avoid it?”

“Look at you using that silver tongue of yours.” There was a glimmer in Tony’s eye that almost looked proud. It made Loki feel bold.

“I’ve been told I have quite the talented tongue.”

“And you’re flirting? You must be really happy to have me back home.”

“I’m ecstatic.” Loki admitted and Tony’s eyes brightened as he laughed.

“Sir,” Jarvis interrupted, “there is a disturbance on the roof.”

“On screen.” Tony leaned back in his chair, one hand resting on Loki’s thigh. The god tensed up when the screen flickered to life showing the crown prince of Asgard. The blond was hitting the lone door on the roof.

“He is requesting access and wants me to warn you of Loki’s presence. He has tried contacting SHIELD, but I have blocked all outgoing communications.”

“No, please… Tony don’t let him take me back!” Loki curled up around Tony, burying his face in the crook of the engineer’s neck. “If I’m captured I don’t know how long it will take for me to escape again- They might decide to just execute me-”

“Shh, calm down Bambi.” Tony crooned to the god while rubbing his back soothingly.

“Please, Tony! I don’t want to go! I don’t want to be alone again!”

“Hush. I need you to be strong and confident.”

“Confident?”

“Yes, confident, if not in yourself than in me.” Tony glided his hand up until it was resting on the back of Loki’s neck, massaging it gently. “Can you do that, for me?”

“Yes, I just-”

“I know. You need to get dressed.” Tony pulled Loki down until their lips met. “J, let Flash Gordon in and direct him to the penthouse.”

“Yes Sir.”

“I don’t want to be alone again, please Tony-”

“I won’t tell you again to be quiet. You’re acting childish, which is really disturbing considering you’re sitting on top of me naked with an erection.” Tony patted Loki on his thigh. The god bit down on his tongue, silencing himself. “Good, go get dressed. Wait down here until I call for you. I know you’re not usually strong and confident, but that’s exactly what I need you to be when blondie sees you. I have a plan. Okay?”

“Okay.” Loki took in a long breath before untangling himself from Tony.

“And Loki…” The god turned away from his neatly folded pile of clothes, looking at the engineer questioningly. “Everything is going to be okay.”


	8. Chapter 8

Loki worried away at his lower lip as he watched Tony ascend in the elevator. The engineer looked completely at ease and Loki almost believed him when he said everything was going to be okay.

“This isn’t going to work- I’m not worth struggling for. It would just be easier to give me up- Once Tony sees that-”

“You doubt his intellect?” Jarvis asked, sounding more authoritative than Loki had ever heard the AI sound before.

“What? No! I just-”

“Sir is not finished with you. He does not allow his _things_ to be so easily taken from him.”

“How…” Loki hesitated. “How do you know he’s not finished with me?”

“That question is irrelevant. Either calm down or ruin Sir’s plans. It is your decision to make.”

Loki paced a few times before sitting down and looking back at the screen just as Tony got out of the elevator.

_“Lion-O! My favorite Aesir. You here to visit your brother?”_ Tony asked, immediately heading for the bar.

_“Then you are aware of my brother’s presence?”_ Thor wrinkled his brow in a way that made Loki think of all the times the older god did not understand the simple plan Loki laid out when they were once brothers.

_“Of course! He’s been living with me for a while now, almost reformed and helping me with hero business and the like.”_ Tony looked at the various lined up bottles. _“You want anything to drink?”_ He lifted one of the bottles, showing it to Thor. The god's look of confusion only deepened. _“No? Your loss. Anyway, Loki was a big help against Ultron even if he was only behind the scenes. Without him we would have lost more than just…”_ Both men fell silent for a long minute.

_“He fought valiantly and is in Valhalla now.”_ Loki wanted to know who died, but doubted Tony would ever tell him. The news hadn’t reported the death of any Avenger, but that really didn’t mean anything. Loki knew SHIELD was well versed at hiding its losses. _“My brother has not been causing mischief or destruction?”_ Thor sounded uncertain, but hopeful.

_“Just the opposite. We’ve become friends, ya know once we got pass the whole trying to take over the world thing.”_ Tony took a sip and made a pleased noise. _“I think the problem you all had with trying to reform Loki is that it relied only on force. Most of you Aesir live in the physical world, solving things with your fists. Folks like Loki and I live mostly in our heads. Locking him up just forced Loki further into his head with only his own thoughts for company. Now that he’s free he gets more input than just his own thoughts. I can speak to him on an intellectual level so that he doesn’t think that lashing out is the only way to be heard. You understand what I mean?”_ Thor did not respond immediately.

_“Loki has always acted differently than my shield mates.”_ Thor looked befuddled. _“Yes, I think I understand.”_ And Loki could tell that, no Thor did not understand. He was agreeing because Tony was saying all the right words without providing any proof.

_“I knew you’d understand. I mean you’ve been brothers for so long that of course you know that Loki is a smarty pants. You can’t strong arm a brain after all.”_ Tony laughed freely and Thor seemed to relax slightly. _“Unfortunately Loki is still in a delicate state. All the progress we’ve made could easily be undone.”_ Tony took a sip and Loki figured it was to build up drama. _“I’m all about second chances, but I don’t think the Aesir are. If he goes crazy again I think they’ll kill your little brother.”_

Thor looked grim, his wide shoulders falling slightly.

_“Mayhaps. At his trail many were trying to have him executed. Their calls for his death would only be louder now that they know he can escape Asgard’s dungeons.”_ Loki let out a sigh of relief when he saw Thor’s conflicted look ebb towards a resigned hope. _“Is he truly better?”_

_“Not completely, but he’s far from the god you took back to Asgard in chains.”_ Tony sat on the couch and Loki’s thoughts briefly flickered to all they times they fucked on it. _“He was just helping me in the lab. I’m sure he’d be happy to see you if you want to talk or whatever.”_

_“Yes, I have longed to see him, to see the man who stood by my side so often in battle.”_ Anger flared inside Loki at Thor’s careless statement. They had never truly fought side by side. Thor made sure of that. The blubbering fool never listened. They all regarded Loki’s magic as tricks- not gallant- always jealous and-

“Sir has summoned you. I’d advise listening to him.” Jarvis said, breaking through Loki’s thoughts. “Remember that Sir wants you to be strong and confident. Being furious will only hinder his plans.”

Loki nodded biting on his lower lip.

Inside the elevator he stared at his distorted image. He was glad he wore some of his finer clothing today, a green tunic and the tight fitting black jeans Tony usually liked him in. He slicked back his hair and used a weak glamour to mask the pink rimming his eyes.

“Strong and confident.” Loki chanted to himself. “I have to be the prince I was raised to be.” His posture changed to one of regality. He tried to imagine the man he was before the fall- before the rage, the loss, the torture, and self-hatred. It was like looking at a distorted version of himself, one made of glass, just seconds away from shattering. Delicate in its disingenuous nature. He had tried to be a prince, to be a king, but such positions of responsibility ran counter to his nature.

By the time the elevator doors opened to the penthouse floor he wore the façade of the brother Thor always wanted him to be.

“Thor, I hope you’re here on peaceful terms. I’d rather we not disturb Tony with our bickering.” Loki joked with a sly grin on his face. Thor gaped at him, his hand falling away from Mjolnir’s hilt.

“Loki…” Thor’s baby blue eyes glistened with fresh tears.

“Oh Norns, if you cry I’m leaving. I shan’t be a party to such blubbering.” Loki made to head back to the elevator, but before he could Thor was lifting him up, embracing him in a hug that would have broken the back of a mortal.

“How I’ve missed you brother! It has been far too long!”

“Far too long indeed.” Loki patted Thor on the back, seemingly unaffected by the older god’s grip. Even when he set him back down Thor left his hands resting on Loki’s shoulders.

“Why did you escape jail? Surely that will make things worse in the long run.” The blond pouted, genuinely distressed.

“Of that, I am certain. I was not in my right mind when I escaped. There is much you do not know about what happened. I fell through the Void for a very long time. I was alone for what felt like centuries, surrounded by nothing. Once I landed I was shoved into a dark room. The only time I saw light was when I was to be tortured or interrogated. I have always felt so alone even when we lived happily in Asgard. The Void shattered me, the torture twisted the pieces that were left, and the Asgard dungeons… I was losing what little I had left.” Loki let out a shuddered breath and even he was not sure if he was telling the truth or not. “Thor, I can’t go back there. I fear I will slip back into being the mad man who tried to take over this realm. If I turn back into him I may never be able to find myself again.”

“Oh, Loki… had we known…” The blond choked on his own words, wiping away at a stray tear. “We would have found you. We all believed you to be dead. All of Asgard mourned.”

“I know. None of this is your fault, Thor.” The Aesir flinched and Loki grinned internally. He knew that Thor did blame himself. “You cannot always protect me.” He twisted the metaphorical knife and Thor flinched as if it was real.

“Please tell me how I may help. I do not wish to see you suffer.”

“Suffering is inevitable, brother. At this point it is all about avoiding the worst of it and weathering the rest.” Loki said and Thor nodded glumly.

“Just tell me what you want me to do.”

“I want you to stay, but you can’t. Heimdall watches you too closely. You must go and pretend you had not seen me. Go about as if you had not sensed my presence.”

“But-”

“There is no other way! Do you think I have not wanted to see you? I have thought of this moment often and this is the only way!” Loki felt his eyes water with false tears. “I can’t go back there, Thor! Even if they don’t sentence me to death my mind will break! I have tried to find a different way, but there is none. We must part once more.”

“How is it with you I never win?” Loki was surprised that Thor chose not to put up a fight. He was expecting at least something from the thunderer.

“You’ve grown.” That realization hit Loki hard. Thor chuckled sadly.

“Yes, without you by my side I have learned many a hard lessons.” Thor said and Loki’s expression grew dark.

“I’m happy to see that my loss has been a gain for you.” Loki’s tone was clipped.

“Loki-”

“No, I’m sorry.” Loki sighed, glancing at the engineer. “I’m still a bit bitter and unstable. I’m trying though and Tony is helping me. You need to leave, Thor, before Heimdall realizes he can’t see you clearly. Now go.” Thor clasped Loki’s shoulder once more.

“Until we meet again, brother.”

“Till then.”

Thor gave one last wayward glance to Loki before heading out onto the balcony, taking off immediately.

“Next time- on The Young and The Restless: will Thor ever find out the truth? Where is Loki’s good twin? Will Stacy ever find out who the father of her child is? And will Mark finally come out of his coma?” Tony said and Loki cocked his head to the side, not understanding the reference. “Don’t worry about it.” Tony chuckled into his drink. “Come here, Reindeer Games.”Loki quickly moved to sit on the coffee table directly in front of Tony, their knees just barely touching. “I’m surprised by how well you did. I didn’t think you had it in you.” Tony leaned forward and opened Loki’s legs up. “I’m proud of you. You should be rewarded. Tonight I’ll let you decide how and where I fuck you.”

Loki gasped.

“Anywhere?”

“Well, anywhere in the penthouse or lab. Don’t want us getting interrupted after all.” Loki bounced up and grabbed Tony’s hand. “Someone’s excited.” He said while setting aside his drink. Loki practically dragged Tony to the engineer’s room. He pulled Tony onto the oversized bed with him.

“May I…” Loki weighed his words. “May I touch you?”

“Hmm,” Tony paused in thought, “I suppose, just this once.” Loki pushed Tony down so that he was on his back.

Loki had wanted this a long time. To finally be in Tony’s room, in Tony’s _bed_.

The god tugged at Tony’s shirt, pulling it off hastily. Loki couldn’t pull his eyes away from him. He touched every inch he never had access to, biting, licking, just taking him all in. Feeling the slight hum of the arc reactor as he traced the edges. Finding what spots made Tony moan.

“Fuck!” Tony shouted at Loki dragged his tongue across his oversensitive nipple. The god was enamored with how he, Loki, could cause Tony to make noises like these without being filled by him. Tony suddenly grabbed Loki by his shoulder and the god thought that maybe he’d overstepped. “Lube. Now. I’m already bored of your pathetic attempts at foreplay.” Loki held back his frown and rummaged through his pocket for the elusive bottle, still touching as much of Tony’s body he could reach. Loki’s jeans were tight and he had to pull away from Tony in order to reach the bottom in his pocket. When he finally found it Tony quickly took it away. “Clothes off.”

Loki was disappointed when he had to roll off the engineer so he could pull off his too tight pants. He kept his head tilted to the side, watching as Tony slicked up his dick and fingers before tossing the bottle aside. The moment Loki was completely nude Tony rolled so that he was hovering over Loki, trapping him against the bed. Two deft fingers prodded Loki open, making him whimper. Tony was grinning devilishly as he quickly pushed inside all the way, sweeping the pads of his fingers over Loki’s prostate.

“You’re getting loose, Rudolf. You’re such a little slut.” Tony pushed roughly against the sensitive spot inside of Loki. The god grabbed onto his own long hair to keep himself from touching Tony, briefly forgetting he was allowed to now. “You have no idea how messed up your own mind is, how lucky you are that I tolerate you.” Tony scissored his fingers, making Loki cling to him desperately. He pulled his fingers out of the god and pried Loki’s clasped hands from him.

“Please-” Loki pleaded, craving any contact he could get. Tony looped his arm around Loki’s middle and began turning him onto his stomach. “No!” Loki shouted and Tony paused, raising a single incredulous eyebrow.

“No?” He repeated, tightening his hold on Loki’s waist, but otherwise remaining motionless.

“My reward…” Loki hesitated, wetting his lips. “I want to watch your expression as you fuck me.” Tony grabbed Loki’s face with both his hands, pushing against his cheeks with his thumbs, forcing Loki’s mouth open. He quickly invaded Loki’s mouth with his tongue, taking in every detail, pulling away before Loki could properly react.

“Fine, you uppity pest. I always keep my word, even to someone like you.” Tony moved back from him briefly, pulling a condom from the nightstand. “I don’t want your disgusting come on me though.” He tossed the square and it hit Loki right between his eyes. The god quickly opened it, thrilled that his request was going to be granted. “Lucky for you, you’re flexible.” He slung Loki’s knee over his shoulder, pushing into him.

Loki groaned as he was filled. His leg was stretched almost perfectly straight, his thigh pressed to his chest and his toes hitting the headboard. He was just on the edge of being overextending, an ache that was amplified every time Tony thrust into him.

He looked up at Tony, wanting to see his building pleasure- but much to his dismay Tony was looking away from him. He had a determined expression on his face as he stared at the pillow to the left of Loki’s head.

“Tony…” Loki said, trying to draw his attention to him. The engineer remained focused on the pillow as he continued thrusting into him. He tried to call to him again, but the air was forced from his lungs by Tony leaning his weight on him. “To-ny!” He could barely speak. The engineer was moving quicker than usually, yet still hitting the area that sent a bolt of energy and built up the pressure in his lower abdomen. “Please-” Tears were starting to form in his eyes, but he blinked them away, clearing his vision. “Look at-” Tony slammed into him rougher than ever before. The engineer’s eyes didn’t falter from the pillow, his expression turning into a scowl. “Tony, please-” He reached up with a shaking hand to Tony’s face, but it was quickly caught and pinned down.

“Shut up.” Tony said through gritted teeth, sending a stab of pain through the god’s heart.

Loki just wanted their eyes to meet, just for a second so he could just see what those eyes held. He just wanted to know if he’d ever have a chance at being more than just a _distraction_. He wanted to know if he could just be _more_.

But Tony was pounding into him so fast and Loki’s mind was starting to white out. He couldn’t concentrate on anything except for the building pressure.

“Tony.” The god whimpered his name as he felt the engineer tense coming inside of him. Loki clenched down on him, hoping to pull out of him as much pleasure as possible. Tony groaned, giving a few more shallow thrusts. He pulled out of Loki and the god’s hole quivered, the muscles trying to go back to their proper place.

He thought Tony was just going to leave Loki to finish himself off, but two fingers invaded him again and massaged Loki’s prostate to completion. The god sucked in air when Tony rolled off of him. His leg fell to the bed with a heavy thud. Loki watched as Tony draped an arm over his own eyes, regaining the air he’d lost during their fucking.

Loki wanted to say something, _anything_ , but knew it would just make things worse. Loki had crossed a line, and whether it was by being in Tony’s room, being allowed to touch him, or staring at him as they fucked, he didn’t know.

All he knew was that once again he’d done something wrong.

Tony abruptly sat up, tapping his reactor in thought. He walked to the restroom, but paused in the doorway.

“I want you out of my bed by the time I finish showering.” Tony said without even looking back. “Also, wash the sheets. I won’t be able to sleep with your stench surrounding me.” Before Loki could even consider responding the door was slammed shut and there was the noise of running water.

Loki rolled onto his side, curling up like he did almost every time after they fucked. He had a good fifteen minutes before the engineer would be done getting cleaned up. That gave Loki fifteen minutes to… bask.

He was surrounded by Tony’s scent, his warmth and sweat still lingering on the sheets. He was in Tony’s _bed_ \- a place he’d been dreaming of being since they met in the Helicarrier.

Loki nuzzled one of the pillows before remembering that it was the one Tony had been staring at so intently. He grabbed the pillow and looked at it, trying to figure out why it was more important than him, more _interesting_ to look at.

He felt an unwarranted hatred for the thing and would have tossed it if not for the knowledge that Jarvis would alert Tony about his outburst. The hatred passed quickly and instead Loki felt envious and disheartened.

The god wiped away his drying tears and let go of the pillow. He couldn’t decide if that was the best or worst sex they’d ever had. It had just been _different_. No one could make him come as hard as Tony did. No one had ever bothered to give Loki any pleasure once they had taken their own from his body- but Tony did, but that was a matter of pride. Tony had said as much on that first night.

Yet, this time it almost felt like Tony’s hatred wasn’t directed at Loki like it usually was-

“Loki, I advice you make haste. Sir is already conditioning.” Jarvis said, cutting through Loki’s musings. The god got out of bed and immediately fell to the ground. He’d pulled a muscle in his thigh while fucking and his hips were already sore. He wouldn’t be walking anytime soon.

He gave a fleeting glance towards the restroom door before casting a spell that sent the bedding to the washing machine and replaced it with fresh ones. He then teleported himself to his own restroom to take a bath.


	9. Chapter 9

Tony was avoiding him. Loki was certain of that. It was the beginning of the end, his inevitable downfall was coming, and Loki could feel every second slip away.

So he did everything he could to make things better. He made the engineer’s favorite meals. He had a glass of scotch in hand when he knew Tony was about to get back. He made sure Ms. Potts never had to see him. He kept his hair and clothes immaculate.

It wasn’t enough though. Tony avoided the penthouse floor and always denied Loki access to the lab when he was there.

After a month of being denied all physical contact and acknowledgment he finally broke and turned towards the only hope he had left.

“Please, please Jarvis! Tell me what to do!” Loki pleaded from beneath his blanket, curled up in his bed.

“Tell you what to do about what specifically?” The AI asked, his voice disinterested.

“About Tony! What can I do to make him look at me again? What did I do wrong this time?” He pushed himself further into his bed, wanting to just wake up and for things to be how they were two months ago.

“Even I am not privy to all of Sir’s inner most workings and thoughts.” Jarvis’ response made Loki cry harder, pulling his pillow to his chest and hugging it for dear life.

“You must have some idea! You always know more with what’s going on than I do!” He knew his voice was starting to become garbled, but couldn’t help it.

“I do have an idea, but that does not mean I plan on sharing them with the likes of you.” His words stung, it always hurt when even the fake personality knew Loki wasn’t good enough.

“Please…” Loki said a few minutes later after he’d regained some of his control. “I don’t want to lose him.” His words came out as a whisper, but he knew the AI could hear him clearly.

When Jarvis didn’t respond Loki eventually cast a sleeping spell on himself, falling into a deep, yet trouble rest.

* * *

A sharp pain on his wrist made Loki gasp as he woke up.

“Man, you sleep like a rock.” Tony said, holding Loki’s wrist. There was a pink crescent shape from where Tony had bit him.

Loki blinked a few times, his mind not understanding what he was seeing. Tony was in his room. Tony was in _his_ room. He never went to Loki’s room. If he ever wanted Loki he’d just tell Jarvis to get him, not actually come and get him himself.

“Get up, loser. We’re going shopping.” Tony hopped off the bed, his strides confident and careless. “Same body, different face.” He called over his shoulder, shutting the door behind him.

Loki paused for a minute before bolting into action.

Tony was paying attention to him. Tony wanted to take him outside. Tony wanted him for more than just his body and magic.

A thrilled giggle escaped him as he quickly got cleaned up. He changed his features so that they were still fine, yet dissimilar to his own, his hair now blond and eyes hazel.

Tony was sitting in the living room, facing the bright sun, drink in hand and sunglasses in place. It made Loki smile to see him so relaxed.

Tony eyed him, examining the sharp outfit he’d chosen that contrasted with Tony’s jeans and t-shirt. “Passable.” He gave a thumbs up. “J, surprise daddy with which car we take.”

“Yes, Sir. I shall have it properly cooled upon arrival.” They walked onto the elevator and Loki had to restrain himself. Loki smoothed down his slacks and button up to keep his hands busy.

“Keep it cool, keep it classy.” Tony said, pulling out another pair of sunglasses, handing them to Loki. The god put them on, despite the dim light of the garage.

A cherry red convertible revved its engine when they approached, both doors opening. Music started blaring as they pulled out of the garage and onto the busy streets.

Loki felt antsy in the on and off again traffic. Tony was just rocking out to the blaring music, waving at the other people in cars when they noticed him. More than one person shouted that they loved Iron Man. Loki was reminded that this was what real adulation was like, the kind that was gained through charisma rather than force.

Tony could have made a great king, calming his dukes and generals with light hearted jokes that hid poignant observation. He could have them all dancing to his tune.

With Pepper as his queen, of course, because Loki knew that Tony loved no one as much as he loved Pepper. Where he was charm and wit, she was graceful efficiency and measured words. She could balance his reign easily, making their kingdom prosper.

Subconsciously Loki glanced in the direction of Stark Tower. He easily spotted it between the other skyscrapers, somehow always being higher and brighter than all the rest.

A king, perfect in his rule, adored by all, especially by Loki.

Loki the former prince. Loki the fallen. Loki the peasant. Loki the house whore. Loki the distraction. Loki the _nothing._

He cringed at his own thoughts.

He was something. Loki was certain of that, but he was also certain that that something wasn’t a good thing.

Tony easily parallel parked the convertible in front of a high end store.

The inside of the store was filled with suits, ties, and belts. There was a wall dedicated to lapel pins, cufflinks, wallets, and watches.

“Mr. Stark, how may we help you today?” An elderly man asked, approaching the two of them.

“Seven suits for my friend. He needs his measurements taken.” Stark said while taking a seat on a leather chair.

“Of course, Mr. Stark. Can we get you any refreshment? Coffee perhaps?” The elderly man asked while gesturing to one of the store clerks.

“Coffee would be fantastic, Peter. None for him though.” Tony gestured towards Loki. The store clerk went over to a small espresso machine tucked away in the corner. Peter guided Loki to a raised platform, untying a measuring tape from around his neck.

Loki kept his eyes on Tony as he watched his coffee being made. Loki narrowed his eyes, no he wasn’t watching the coffee. Tony was watching the woman making the coffee.

A spell was on the tip of Loki’s tongue. A simple trick, just to send her tumbling down, to show Tony she was nothing. But he knew he shouldn’t, that he couldn’t. Tony would know. Tony would see it in Loki’s eyes, the mischief, the depravity.

“Lift your arms please.” Peter requested, taking Loki’s measurements.

“Here you go, Mr. Stark.” The store clerk said while handing Tony the coffee. He smiled at her.

“Thank you. You’re far too pretty to be related to Peter over there.” Tony said with a charming smile. The woman blushed. “What’s your name?”

“Amelia.” She whispered and Tony took a sip of his coffee.

“Mm, you make wonderful coffee, Amelia. I’m thoroughly impressed. May I see your hands?” Tony held his hand palm up for her. “Don’t worry. I just want to see them. I’m not going to hurt you.” Hesitantly the woman placed her hands in Tony’s. “Very lovely. I think you want to give me a foot message. Am I right?” Loki frowned at Tony’s question. Amelia glanced at her boss. He was concentrating on taking Loki’s measurements. “Peter won’t mind. We’re old friends. Just do what feels natural to you.”

Amelia bit her lip and looked at the store keeper again.

“Are you sure it’s alright? Aren’t you in a relationship with the CEO of your company?” She asked while glancing at his shoes.

“Pep won’t mind. I can call her up if you want to be certain.” Tony fished out his cell phone from his pocket. He waved the small device at her in offering, but she shook her head.

“I believe you.” She let out a little breath before dropping to her knees in front of him. Amelia began unlacing his shoes, the blush on her cheeks darkening. With slow deliberate movements she pulled his feet free, her breath getting quicker.

“Take your time, Amelia.” Tony coaxed in a calming voice. She looked up at him with wide doe eyes and nodded.

Loki wanted to hiss at her, to shove her away from _his_ Tony, _his_ mortal, _his_ keeper, the only one who accepted him. _She_ had no right to touch him. _She_ was just some tawdry peasant- not worthy of-

But Loki wasn’t worthy of touching Tony either.

Loki had to calm down. He had to remind himself that Tony was a giver. He was generous and allowed people to touch him. Amelia meant nothing to Tony. All he cared about was what he could give her. And right now he could give her access to his feet, which the woman was clearly enjoying.

She was just using him to fulfill some disgusting foot fetish. Tony allowed it because he liked to give.

Even so when Tony let out a groan of pleasure Loki almost pushed aside the old man and attacked Amelia. Somehow Tony sensed his growing fury.

“Lokes, remember: keep it cool, keep it classy.” A warning then, like the subtly of a glint from a hidden knife. Loki made himself relax and tried not to focus on how the woman rubbed her thighs together as she massaged Tony’s feet.

“I have your measurements.” Peter said to Loki with a kind smile. “You’re very lean for your height so your suits will have to be custom made.” He looked over at Tony.

“That’s fine, Peter. Can you bring out some different swatches of fabric? I think my friend would look especially good in charcoal grey.”

“Of course, Mr. Stark.” He nodded and walked past him and his kneeling employee, seemingly not caring about her not doing her job.

“Lokes, come sit by me.” The god slowly made his way over, pointedly not looking at the kneeling woman still kneading away at Tony’s feet. The engineer leans forward and brushes his hand down Amelia’s cheek and rests it on her neck, cupping it softly. “Thank you for the massage, Amelia. You should go to the restroom and give yourself a reward, okay?”

“Do you want me to…” Her eyes lingered on Tony’s lap and Loki realized that the engineer was hard. Hard from a _foot rub_.

“No, I’m quite alright, so long as you take care of yourself.” He winked at her and her blush somehow grew darker as she quickly walked to the back of the store.

“I could have done that for you.” Loki mumbled while kneeling in the spot she vacated. “I could still do that for you, anything for you.”

“You just don’t understand. You probably never will.” Tony rolled his head back, resting it on the back of the seat. Loki picked at the laces of Tony’s shoes, not knowing what to say.

“I want to understand.” Loki pleaded, frustrated and desperate all at once.

“You can’t understand. You’re too selfish to understand.” It was like a slap to his face. He always fell short of being enough. Loki was well aware that he was selfish by nature. It was part of the reason so much of his life had turned sour despite his best efforts. It was part of the reason he’d never get over Tony.

Tony let out a long sigh before leaning forward and taking his shoe from Loki, putting them back on his own feet after pulling on his socks. Loki wrung his hands together, feeling useless. Tony sighed and grabbed Loki by his elbow, pulling him up and into the chair beside Tony’s.

Peter came back out with several swatches of fabric draped over his arm. He went straight to the engineer, passing by Loki without a thought. Typical, very typical. Why would anyone care that it was him here to get suits? Especially when Tony Stark was there too. It only made sense

The engineer discussed the merits of the different fabrics, occasionally pulling them closer to Loki so he could examine the god’s coloration in comparison.

“What name should I put the measurements under?” Peter asked after he and Tony had decided on seven different fabrics.

“Just put it as a sub category of my own like you did with Bruce’s.” Tony smiled at the elderly man, standing up to shake his hand.

“Is there anything else I can do for you, Mr. Stark? We have some golden cufflinks with inlaid rubies that may interest you.” The store clerk gestured towards the glass counter just as Amelia walked from the back, looking sated and flushed. Loki tried not to scowl at her.

“Another day. I still have to deal with this one.” Tony pointed his thumb at Loki and the god sat up straighter in recognition. “Peter, you have my card on file.” He waved at the older man. “Lokes, let’s go.” Tony gestured with his head, not waiting to see if the god followed him he left. The car purred to life.

“Where are we going now?” Loki asked after they were on the road again.

“The bank.”

Ah, so business. The bank must be between here and the tower.

Loki would probably be stuck in the car waiting while Tony did whatever billionaires did when they visited the bank.

Surprisingly, when they parked Tony told Loki to follow him. Just like the last place the owner greeted Tony by name.

The bank owner and Tony talked at a quick pace, using all sorts of jargon Loki was not familiar with. Their voices quickly became a dull drone as he took in his surroundings. People were just walking outside of the glass office, some seeing them, yet not knowing who he truly was. They did not know what filth was lingering beneath the surface.

Inside the glass box that constituted an office Loki’s thoughts were drawn to a certain glass cage on the Helicarrier. His metaphorical feathers had been all puffed up as he tried to put on a show of strength. Tony had seen through him, took control of the situation, and left Loki speechless. It still gave the god goosebumps. He was so transparent to everyone, yet only Tony knew how to handle him.

“Pay attention.” Tony pulled on Loki’s arm and led him back out. Once in the car he pulled his sunglasses down so that he could look Loki directly in his eyes. “You can’t be spacing out like that in the real world, Bambi. Things are different out here. I can’t just put you in your place when we’re in public. I have an appearance to maintain as figurehead of Stark Industries and as Iron Man. You’re depraved and you acting as such just complicates things. That’s alright at my home, but you need to at least pretend to be normal. Am I understood?”

“I understand.” Loki said while nodding. Tony paused, looking at Loki critically.

“Good.” Tony put the car in gear and the drive back to the tower was silent. Loki watched the engineer closely. His posture was rigid and the angle of his jaw was almost stubborn. It made Loki nervous.

Once in the penthouse Tony poured himself a large glass of scotch. Loki lingered at the edge of Tony’s peripheral view, shifting to his usual form. He wanted to go to him, now that he wasn’t avoiding him, but Loki didn’t want to push his luck and run the risk of not seeing Tony for another month.

“You’re fidgeting.” Tony said, not looking away from his drink. “Come here.” Tony dropped a pillow on the ground and Loki automatically kneeled on it. Tony laced his fingers through Loki’s hair and gently guided his head until it was resting against Tony’s thigh. The god sighed contentedly as Tony started working out the stray knots in his long black hair. “It’s going to be difficult.” Tony murmured.

“Hmm?” It was always hard to concentrate with such a soft touch lulling him. Tony didn’t respond at first, twisting a lock of Loki’s hair around his finger.

“It will be difficult,” Tony paused again, but never stopped his caress, “letting you go.”


	10. Chapter 10

Loki froze, his fingernails dug into his palms. Tony hadn’t let up on his gentle touch, yet Loki couldn’t feel it. His chest felt like it was being crushed. He couldn’t breathe and his vision was narrowing.

“Shh, Reindeer Games. Come here.” Loki was pulled into Tony’s lap. The god buried his face against Tony’s neck.

He couldn’t form words. All he could think was that the time had finally come. He was useless, not even worth being a distraction anymore. He was being cast out.

Alone, all alone. Lost in the darkness, hiding from Thor and the Chitauri. Strangers’ glares and constant insecurity- silence only interrupted by hissed words of hatred, both from inside of him and from others. No one would ever touch him again other than to hurt him. And what if Tony told SHEILD he was on Midgard? It would just be another group seeking him for their revenge.

But he could feel strong arms around him, a chest rising and falling against him. Tony.

“I’m sorry.” Loki finally choked out after what felt like ages. Tony chuckled and Loki was certain he was about to be pushed out of Tony’s lap. Instead he was held tighter and Tony ran his hand through Loki’s hair.

“You’ll never understand, will you?” Tony said, his voice right in Loki’s ear.

“Of course I don’t understand. I never understand you.” Loki breathed in Tony’s scent, committing it to memory. Today had been too enjoyable. It only made sense that it would end in tragedy.

“That’s because I don’t want you to understand me. That wouldn’t serve my purpose.” Loki nodded, automatically accepting Tony’s words. What good would it serve him for Loki to understand him? Loki was a killer after all. He’d attacked his home and planet.

“What purpose do I have to you? What purpose do I give you?” He prayed to the Norns that he still had a purpose, that he could make Tony remember why he first allowed Loki to stay.

“Don’t pretend to be coy. You’ve always known what your purpose has been here.” Tony trailed his hand down Loki’s back before firmly grasping his backside. Loki grinded against Tony in response, but his advances were immediately rebuked. The god frowned, but hid his face against Tony’s shoulder.

“I’m purposeless without you.” Loki admitted, though it was no real confession since he was sure Tony was already aware of it.

“We’re in agreement on that one, sweet cheeks.” Tony rubbed Loki’s back for a brief moment and the god practically purred. “That’s sort of the reason we had our shopping trip today.” Loki sniffled.

“I don’t want a new purpose, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

“I don’t care what you want.” Tony’s voice was clipped, making Loki flinch. He’d overstepped his boundaries again, and at such a delicate moment too. The engineer sighed and pushed Loki backwards so he could view his face which was surely blotchy due to crying. Analytical eyes took in every detail, making Loki feel self conscious. “Damn you and your beautiful face for being so distracting.” Tony swept his thumb over Loki’s cheek, brushing away a drying tear. “I swear sometimes you cry just to distract me.”

“No, I promise I don’t.” He was being honest, yet was confused.

“You being the God of Lies makes it a bit difficult for me to believe you, not that this idle truth really matters.” It was a criticism Loki had received many times before and found that it affected him more when it came from Tony. The engineer shook his head, dispelling a thought. “Alright, get off of me. Your proximity is distracting.” Loki wiggled in Tony’s lap with a sly grin as he moved to his side.

“Are you sure you don’t want to be distracted?” Loki fiddled with the button to his pants, a clear invitation. Tony’s hand shot out quickly, grabbing Loki by his neck and slamming him down into the couch.

“Do not try and manipulate me.” The fury in Tony’s voice was restrained, yet clear to Loki.

“I’m- sorry-” Loki’s words were choked off. Tony loosened his grip before letting go and grabbing his glass of scotch. He took a sip and his anger subsided.

“Distractions, distractions.” Tony mumbled casting his eyes to the side, looking at Loki who was still laid out awkwardly on the couch, gasping for air. “Fuck! I’m no moral pillar of society.” That being said, Tony twisted around until he was hovering over the god. He tugged at Loki’s fancy clothes, pushing his shirt up, revealing taut muscles and ivory skin. Loki hid his grin of triumph as Tony’s tongue flicked out, tasting Loki’s skin. Tony bit roughly on Loki’s hip, making him buck upwards. For a brief moment Loki forgot the rules and ran his fingers through short brown hair. Tony grabbed his wrist. “No touching. Hold onto the armrest if you’ve really lost so much discipline since I last fucked you.” Tony glared at him a moment longer before biting his hip again. Loki grabbed the armrest desperately. “Now be good while you serve your purpose.”

“Tony,” the god whispered, determined to prove to the engineer that he was still useful.

“I’m going to mark every inch of you. Bruise and use you. Flawless skin dotted with crescents, showing just a bit of the deprivation you hide so well.” He brushed his thumb over Loki’s nipple, a spot he hadn’t known was erogenous until Tony had dedicated a session to playing with them. “You resilient bastard. I don’t even have to hold back my strength. No matter how hard I sink my teeth in they never break the skin.” He bit down hard on Loki’s waist, growling as he did so. With the hand that wasn’t holding Loki down Tony ripped open Loki’s button up shirt. “You poor touch starved creature.” Each word was accompanied with a rough nip, scattered across Loki’s chest and abs. “A slow torture tonight, since you insist on distracting me.”

Loki loved the painful stinging each time Tony marked him, the way he’d never salve his tongue over the fresh mark. He loved that when he started begging Tony grabbed him by his throat and made him shut up. His ribs, inner elbows, his palms- and then when Tony latched on to one of Loki’s nipples the god let out a smothered shout.

“Music to my ears.” Tony whispered, his breath fanning against Loki’s raised skin. He moved up to the crook of Loki’s neck, moving his hand to the side to bite him, then to his jaw and earlobe. He pulled away to look at the panting god.

“Tony,” Loki begged, urging him on. In a quick move that made Loki flinch the engineer lightly nipped the tip of his nose before grinning darkly.

“Every inch of your mind and body is mine.” Tony grabbed Loki’s belt, unbuckling it quickly. “You really do look too tempting in that suit.” He quickly stripped Loki down. “Much better. Less distracting like this. I’ve seen you naked way too many times. Only seen you in a suit a handful of times.” Tony seemed to muse to himself before turning his attention back to the god. “You’re much less impressive without the pretense of clothing.” Tony moved backwards, settling himself between Loki’s legs. “Every inch is mine.” He lifted Loki’s leg then bit his calf. “Seriously? Not fair. You laze around way too much to have such defined muscles.” Loki smiled at the complement and Tony gave him a sharp glance before biting Loki’s ankle. The god cringed, not having known how tender his Achilles tendon was until teeth were clamping down on it.

Loki hadn’t even known he had a biting kink until Tony decided to create a tract of crescent marks up Loki’s leg months ago. Actually, Loki figured, that anything could become a kink, so long as Tony was the one doing it to him.

He held tightly to the armrest as Tony continued his oral exploration. The engineer’s mouth kept getting closer and closer to the place Loki wanted it most. Tony would never do that though, suck him off. That would be a gift to someone as low as Loki. Even if Tony was a giver Loki doubted he’d give that much.

That thought was proved correct when Tony flipped him over, peppering fresh bite marks across the span of back. Loki was left to grind against the cushions, just trying to get a bit more friction. He was surprised that Tony didn’t make him stop, only making him pause when Tony decided to bite a parallel pattern on each of Loki’s cheeks. The god let out a keening noise, his breath coming in pathetic little gasps as he had to remain still. Each bite pushed him against the cushions, urging him to seek relief. He knew that if he moved he’d probably get a swatting on his ass and bring Tony back to the subject that he’d been broaching before Loki distracted him with his body.

Thankfully Tony moved up to Loki’s neck, allowing the god to rut against the couch. He knew he shouldn’t bring himself to completion though. It would only serve to give Loki a quick release and annoy Tony. So Loki kept building himself up, reveling in the stinging bites, but never pushed himself over the edge, not even when Tony pulled on his hair and bit viciously into Loki’s neck.

“A work of art. Jarvis, where’s my cell phone? I want proper documentation.” Tony said while getting off the couch, staring at Loki’s prone form.

“It’s on the bar, Sir.” Jarvis informed him in a dull tone.

“You’re a life saver, J.” The AI didn’t respond as Tony strolled over to his large collection of alcohol. His cell phone was carelessly lying on the bar from when Tony had grabbed a glass of scotch. He swiped it up before quickly accessing the camera.

Loki tried not to move as heard the clicking noise of the camera snapping pictures. He loved that Tony enjoyed his body so much, even when they weren’t fucking.

Tony tilted Loki’s chin up so that he was peaking over his sprawled out arms before taking another picture.

“Hmm, the older marks are already fading. How disappointing. On your back then.” Rolled onto his back and Tony brushed a few strands of Loki’s hair away from his face. It was a soft touch, much kinder than anything Loki was used to. “What are you embarrassed? Don’t avert your gaze. How are people going to know it’s you in the photo if they can’t see your face?” Loki glared at the camera. “Kitty’s got claws.”

“Only you would find me desirable as such. What would be the point of sharing?” He tried to sound confident as he spoke, but the amused look Tony was giving him made it clear it wasn’t working.

“Oh Bambi. So naïve. When they see the photo they’ll all laugh which will turn you on more than ever before, which will turn me on. It will be a great fuck. You’ll see.” Tony snapped another photo as he spoke, nonchalant as can be. “You know I’m right.”

Loki bit his own lip, because yes, he knew Tony was right, yet he still did not want everyone to see him so vulnerable. Besides that, it would draw attention to the fact that he was free which would mean countless would join in on hunting him down.

Anything he said against Tony’s plan would only encourage him though. Instead he just shifted his hips purposefully, drawing the engineer’s attention to them.

“Distractions, distractions.” Tony mumbled while taking another picture. He tossed his phone onto one of the recliners. “You’ve been rather talkative today. Let’s put that mouth to better use.”

“Anything you want.” Loki said while sitting himself up. He moistened his lips and enjoyed the flash of lust in Tony’s eyes.

“You have to stop saying that to me. One of these days I’m going to tell you to do something and you’re not going to like it. You’ll hesitate and that will only serve to piss me off.” Tony brushed aside Loki’s long legs, sitting in the freshly vacated spot. Loki read the engineer’s posture and moved so that he was kneeling in front of him.

It was one of Loki’s biggest fears, Tony telling him to leave, but to offer him less than anything and everything sounded ungrateful in his own ears. Loki would keep saying it even if he didn’t want to accept the possibility that he was putting himself in a corner.

He brushed those thought aside and wordlessly began undoing Tony’s jeans. The engineer hummed in approval and leaned back his head on the couch. Loki took a brief moment to admire him. So relaxed despite being in the hands of a madman.

Loki gave Tony a few tentative strokes, dragging this out a bit before dipping his head down. Tony liked it when Loki was messy, ineloquent, taking as much of him in at once. Burying his nose in messy curls as he swallowed and gulped salaciously. Strong fingers fisted in Loki’s hair, both hands taking control, driving him deeper and faster. He pretended to choke, causing his throat to flutter. Tony pinched Loki’s nose and the god had to gasp for air around the engorged cock. His throat was beginning to burn and his eyes water, but he didn’t stop his bobbing.

Tony moaned loudly. He was lasting much longer than usual. Through watery eyes Loki glanced up and realized why. He was so startled that he actually did choke, trying to pull away only to be driven back down again. Loki quickly got control of himself just before Tony came. He gulped down, while glaring at Ms. Potts as she kissed Tony deeply, her hand down his shirt, fingers tracing the rim of the arc reactor.

“Pepper,” Tony moaned while pushing away Loki. “Welcome home.” He pulled Pepper over the back of the couch and into his arms.

“Looks like I missed all the fun.” Pepper said while pulling up his shirt.

“Hardly. You know my tongue is good for more than just talking.” Tony pushed aside Loki with his foot.

“Bedroom?” She asked while Loki moved silently backwards.

“A wonderful idea.” Tony pulled on his jeans before standing, his hand in Pepper’s. Loki watched as they disappeared around the corner before gathering up his clothing. He wasn’t certain if he was relieved or not. Now Tony would be thoroughly distracted from the idea of letting him go, but it also left Loki alone, naked, and scared of what was to come.

He was also pissed off with himself. Of course Tony didn’t buy him all those suits just because he liked to see Loki in them. The engineer had to have another reason, a reason that had to do with getting rid of Loki.

Ms. Potts high pitched moans reached Loki’s ears, breaking him out of his own thoughts. He put his clothes back on, performing a quick spell to replace the buttons Tony had broken on his shirt before he headed to the kitchen.

A post –coitus dinner for them then. Perhaps that would buy Loki a bit more time at Tony’s side.


	11. Chapter 11

Pepper and Tony didn’t leave their bedroom that night so Loki ended up having to pack up the finely cooked meal he’d made for them.

The silence began suffocating Loki, so much like the silence Tony had left him in for over a month. He cast a sleeping spell on himself feeling too distraught to fall asleep naturally.

Once again he was awoken rudely, but this time it was by Jarvis. The AI was blasting the air conditioning and music he didn’t recognize was being screamed out of hidden speakers.

Loki lurched up gripping his heart.

“Get cleaned up and head to the lab.” Jarvis ordered, easing the AC and music off. Loki nodded mutely, getting out of the bed. He stripped down in front of the mirror, all of the marks from last evening had faded, much to his chagrin. He wanted Tony to have a reminder of just how useful he could be.

After showering quickly and slicking his hair back Loki pulled on jeans that were too tight and a green sweater. He made sure that as always he had a small bottle of lube with him. He checked his teeth and made sure his eyes were bright. He fixed two cups of coffee. One completely black for Tony and the other drowned in cream and sugar for himself.

Jarvis put the elevator on direct protocol when Loki boarded it, taking him to the lab quickly. The security door opened automatically for him, which meant Tony was waiting for him. Loki felt a bit nervous, but was used to putting on a show.

The lab was quieter than usual and Loki didn’t immediately see Tony behind one of the larger screens that came right out of the floor.

“Bambi, you took your sweet time.” Tony said while beckoning him over. Loki handed him his cup of coffee. The engineer took a quick sip. “Come here. Give me a backrub. I’m getting old and Pepper isn’t.” Loki set aside his cup, rubbed his hands together a few times to give them a bit of warmth before messaging Tony’s shoulders. He could feel every knot, every bunched muscle and nerve.

“I have a spell just for this sort of thing.” Loki offered.

“Not a chance in hell, Magic Fingers.” Tony booted up one of his tablets and his fingers danced across it. Loki’s eyes were drawn to the large screen that Tony was interfacing with. “I had Jarvis compile a few videos and photos.” An image of Loki spread eagle on the kitchen counter came on screen. Tony swiped his finger across the screen of his tablet and a different image appeared on the larger screen, this one of Loki bent over the couch, tied up and on display. “Look at you being so needy- ah, a little lower Reindeer Games. Yup, that’s the spot.” Tony groaned, leaning into Loki’s touch.

Loki couldn’t pull his eyes away from the screen. The image kept changing, but they were essentially all the same. It was either him looking debauched or of him being fucked by Tony.

“Why are you showing me this?” Loki asked after a good five minutes. He was amazed at the sheer amount of photos and videos Tony had of him. They weren’t in any specific order, all from different angles, but none of them showed Tony’s face or his arc reactor.

“Because you tried to destroy my city. You brainwashed one of my friends, killed another one, and worst of all you tried to be something you’re not. You tried to be more than this.” The image changed to one from last night, Loki kneeled between Tony’s legs. Tony remained silent and they both stared at the image, Loki’s hands stopping their massaging. Tony peeled away Loki’s hands from his person.

“Tony?” The god called to him, feeling a new coldness grow between them as he stared at his back.

“You’re killing my soul, Bambi.” Tony said, breaking the silence. “As much as I don’t want to be, I’m a hero. Heroes don’t keep villains in their house. Heroes don’t use people the way I use you.” Loki reached out for Tony’s shoulder, but hesitated. Eventually he dropped his arm back to his side.

“You are a hero.” Loki began, choosing his words carefully. “You’re not using me. You’re saving me from myself.” He tried to explain, but it only elicited a hollow laugh from Tony. In the still image of the screen Loki could see Tony’s reflection, his smile as empty as his laugh.

“You’re so fucked up, Loki, and you know that. You just don’t know that I’m fucked up too.” The screen went blank and Tony’s expression became clearer to Loki. He was looking into his own eyes, confusion there.

Loki took in a breath of air, surprisingly calm as he walked around to face the engineer. He grabbed a chair and sat directly in front of him.

“Tony, you’re my hero.” Loki said, looking Tony right in his eyes.

“You can’t say that to me. You just fucking can’t.” Tony turned away from him, tossing aside the tablet, letting it break on the ground. Loki wheeled his chair a little closer to Tony’s.

“It’s true. You’re my hero.” Loki touched the armrest of Tony’s chair, knowing that he wouldn’t appreciate being directly touched right now. “I’d be lost and alone without you, scared and purposeless.”

“You’d find your own way. I ground you, help you find your center, but I also restrain you.” Tony nodded to himself glumly, not meeting Loki’s eyes.

“I’ve been adrift for most of my life. I searched for meaning and acceptance, but found none until you offered me a place to stay.” Loki’s eyes started to water as he thought about his situation more. “I’ve always been so unhappy and stuck in a constant cycle of self-hatred, scheming, and destruction in my own head. When I’m in your home I get to cook and do things for more than just myself. I was never able to make people happy with just my food before. If I wasn’t here I’d either be languishing in a cell in Asgard or descending into madness as I wondered the different realms alone.”

“Fuck, every time we’re together I make you cry. How can you not see how unhealthy that is?”

“Is that why you avoided me a whole month? Did you even consider how much that hurt me, how much that made me cry?” Loki did his best to hold back his tears as if to prove a point.

“That’s because I’ve been manipulating you. You don’t _need_ me. You just _want_ me.” Tony explained, waving his hand dismissively.

“You think I don’t know you’ve been manipulating me? Of course I am aware of that. Manipulation has been a large part of my life since the day Odin took me in. Yours is different though. I know your motives.”

“Then you know one of the main reasons I keep you here is so that you don’t cause any more destruction.”

“You’ve told me that yourself on more than one occasion.” Loki carefully touched Tony’s hand, but it was immediately swatted away.

“You don’t seem to understand what exactly I’ve been doing to you. You should want to kill me, not want me to fuck you. I’ve been chipping away at your self confidence-”

“No you haven’t. You’ve just been showing me how pathetic I am-”

“Loki, you’re not pathetic. You’re just hurt and you don’t know how to ask for help.”

“This is me asking for your help. Let me stay with you. I won’t bother anyone. I’ll never talk to Ms. Potts without her talking to me first. I’ll make sure she never has to see me. I’ll stay in my room.”

“This has nothing to do with Pep. She doesn’t care about my sexual deviances and she likes that you keep me fed. It makes her life easier.” Tony explained listlessly. Loki sighed in relief. He could argue with Tony, but if Ms. Potts wanted him gone there’d be nothing he could do about it. “This isn’t about her though. This is about you and me.”

“Perfect. Then please let me stay. When I’m here I don’t have to worry about hurting anyone or myself. I’m happy here and I want to make you happy anyway that I can.” Loki looked down at his own lap, searching for anything that could convince the engineer to let him stay.

“And if I never want to touch you again or never allow you to touch me again?” Tony asked and Loki’s heart dropped.

“Will I be able to still see you?” He asked meekly.

“No more than usual. You can still make me meals if you want. Visit me in the lab when you’re not at work.”

“Work?”

“Spending your time moping around is not helping your psyche. Going outside will do you some good.” Tony relaxed a bit and stood up. “You’ll get a job and spend time with other people.” The god looked up at him, full of apprehension. Tony reached down and cupped Loki’s face. There was a long, frozen pause and an unreadable look in his eyes. “We’ll get this all figured out.” Tony said softly before dropping his hand back to his side and turning away from him. “Jarvis, help Loki find a job. I’m heading upstairs.”


	12. Chapter 12

Loki stayed in the lab listening to Jarvis as the AI read different job descriptions. He was only half listening as he sat curled up, contemplating these most recent turn of events.

He didn’t see how putting himself among the humans was going to help anything. He was a danger to them, had killed them before and probably would again without Tony’s guidance.

Loki cringed.

It wasn’t fair. He just wanted to be held- and fucked, but mostly held, with equal parts fucking.

“Depraved.” Loki hissed to himself.

“If you’re not paying attention you’ll find yourself employed in the lucrative field of waste management.”

“I’m listening. Please continue.” Even Jarvis somehow knew that Loki was a blemish on the nine realms.

He could be bent over a table right now. He could be gasping for air. He could be quivering all over. If Tony would just-

But no. This was not Tony’s fault. This was his own fault. Tony was a hero. It was not the hero’s job to jail or rehabilitate the villain. It was their job to capture the villain. Tony had gone above and beyond the call of duty by allowing Loki to live here.

“Do I need to inform Sir that you are being uncooperative?”

“No!” Loki shouted, almost falling out of his seat. “I mean no. That last job sounded interesting.”

“You wish to teach children self defense?” Jarvis sounded incredulous.

“Self defense is a cornerstone to any child’s curriculum in Asgard. I am more than capable of teaching tikes.” Loki quickly responded, saying the first thing that came to mind.

“Of the 3,014 people that died during the invasion of New York 784 of them were ‘tikes’.”

“I am well aware of my past transgressions. Are you going to help me obtain this job or not?” Loki snapped at Jarvis, before abruptly covering his mouth. The AI did not respond and with each passing moment Loki felt like he’d screwed up even more.

“Unlike some individuals I do not disobey Sir’s orders.” Jarvis finally said. Loki let out the breath he was holding.

“Thank you, Jarvis.” Loki fidgeted in his seat. “Where it Tony?”

“Sir is currently taking the Avengers out for a group lunch.” Loki slumped down, disappointed. The lab- actually the whole tower felt hollow without him here. Everything felt wrong when he was gone. “Your presence is no longer necessary in this room. Permission has been revoked now that I have found you an occupation.” Loki nodded, silently getting out of his chair and heading to the elevator. He didn’t want to be in here anyway without Tony.

Once he was on the penthouse floor again he headed to the kitchen, hoping to ease his nerves with some baking. He opened the fridge and a small grin found its way onto his face as he saw that most of the meal he had made yesterday for Tony and Pepper was eaten.

Loki wasn’t completely useless, evidently. He knew that Ms. Potts appreciated that he kept the engineer well fed.

The god pulled out eggs, milk, and butter from the fridge before grabbing the dry ingredients to make cookies. It was a recipe he’d made various times since he began living with Tony. It would serve as a good distraction.

He easily got lost in the motions. Not long after the sweet scent slowly spread around the penthouse.

Loki laid on the couch, cocooning himself in a blanket as he waited for them to finish. He hated the idea that Tony may never touch him again. No one else would ever tolerate him the way Tony does- did. Loki didn’t fully understand what he had done wrong, he just knew it was a long time coming.

Tony, by the Norns, Loki loved him so much. He could never tell him though. Loki knew it would only make Tony push him away. Love was not part of their arrangement and Tony had made it clear that he would never love him back. Why should he even care about such a pathetic creature as Loki? But he did. His unwarranted guilt earlier made that clear. It warmed Loki’s heart even though it almost got him banished from Tony’s life. His chest clenched and tears sprung to his eyes.

“Tony…” Loki whispered, almost prayed. He buried his face in one of the pillows, faintly catching the engineer’s scent.

The timer went off, alerting Loki to the cookie’s status. He quickly unwrapped himself before going to check on the cookies. They were perfectly golden, but he’d have to wait for them to cool before he knew if the taste was as good as the appearance. It gave Loki a strange sense of pride. His spells had always been considered tricks by the Aesir and his schemes had an unhappy tendency to implode. They were never good enough, but these cookies…

Loki took a bite and moaned.

These cookies were perfect. He’d made something that was perfect for the first time in two thousand and something years. All because he had a stable place to stay and someone who kept him centered.

He was only capable of such a feat because of Tony. How could the engineer not see that, or perhaps he did and was just getting bored of Loki-

Loki the house whore.

Loki the distraction.

Loki the nothing.

“Sir has alerted me to the fact that he is bringing the Avengers up to the penthouse to watch a movie with him. You are to go to your room, lock the door, and remain silent.” Jarvis said, interrupting the god’s downward spiral.

“How much time do I have?” Loki asked, his pitch an octave higher than usual as he looked at the mess he had created. He should have been cleaning as the cookies were baking, but no instead he was moping on the couch.

“Ten minutes.” Jarvis warned and a countdown appeared on all digital surfaces.

Loki let out a sigh of relief. Ten minutes was plenty of time. Loki cast a simple spell that began washing the dishes. He rummaged through the cabinets until he found a glass cake display. He quickly cleaned the counter with a paper towel before setting the display case in the middle of the kitchen island. With practiced hands he arranged the cookies before putting the glass case over it. He pushed the display case slightly to the right before moving it back, absolutely thrilled with how perfect it looked.

It had only taken him eight minutes.

Loki glanced around the kitchen again and everything was in its proper place.

He headed to his room before quickly backtracking to the living room, cleaning up the plethora of blankets he had cocooned himself in earlier.

Loki made it to his room with a minute to spare. He locked it up and pressed his ear to the door, wanting to hear Tony. He could feel his heart rate pick up, knowing that Tony was going to be home soon. Their home… No, it was Ms. Potts’ and Tony’s home. Loki was just a nuisance of a guest.

From the distance he was at he couldn’t hear the elevator door ping, but he could hear the shuffling of multiple people. He couldn’t sense Thor’s presence. He grinned when he heard Tony debating with Clint on which actor played James Bond best.

“Tony, I thought Pepper flew to Germany this morning…” One of the Avengers said, either Bruce or Steve. Loki hadn’t spent enough time with them to know the difference in their voices.

“She did- Oh, cookies.” Loki’s eyes widened and panic sprung to life in him. How could he be so stupid! Of course they’d know the cookies were freshly baked. “The housekeeper must have made them.”

“You have a housekeeper?” There was a tinge of suspicion in Clint’s voice.

“Of course. Do you think Pep and I have time for such trivial things as cleaning and cooking? She has a multibillion dollar corporation to run and you all know I can’t cook at all. Tasha you remember Nathan. You met him once.”

“Yeah I remember him.” The assassin said without missing a beat. It gave Loki a brief moment of confusion until he remembered when Natasha had stumbled upon them. Tony had mentioned a child named Nathan and the Black Widow seemed to cave in on herself. Loki figured he was Natasha’s son, hidden away from both SHEILD and the rest of the world.

“I won’t be able to eat all of these so feel free to take as many as you want.” Tony offered and Loki heard the clinking of the glass dome being set aside shortly followed by appreciative moans.

“These are delicious.” Clint said, his words garbled by the food in his mouth. “Tasha aren’t you going to have some?”

“I’m still full from lunch.” She explained and Loki could tell it was a lie, albeit a perfectly delivered one.

“You’re loss. More for us.”

“Tony, you have to get this recipe for me.” A new voice said, male. Either Bruce or Steve.

“I’ll see what I can do.” There was a pause. “Damn, that is good. Yeah, I’ll talk to him next time I see him.” There was a pleased sigh and Loki easily recognized it as Tony’s. “Come on. We can take it with us to the living room.” Their conversation switched back to movie options.

Loki went to his bed. His face was flushed and he felt like breaking into hysterical giggles, but held back. They liked his cookies. _Tony_ liked his cooking. His heart fluttered and he had to cover his mouth with his hands to hold back his bubbling laughter.

He made Tony happy without his magic or his body.

He could make Tony happy.

Loki had worth beyond his magic tricks and fucking.

There was hope.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two things: I'll still be updating this coming Sunday and I also posted another one-shot for this series called Don't Blink.

Loki knew he was dreaming, but that didn’t make it feel any less real.

“Tony,” Loki called out happily while running over to him with a plate full of fresh baked cookies. He practically fell onto Tony’s lap and the engineer chuckled, setting aside his glass of scotch so it wouldn’t spill. “Try these. I made them just for you.” Loki blushed brightly. Tony plucked one of the warm chocolate chip cookies off the plate.

“Smells good.” Tony paused. “Or that could just be you. You do have a bit of flour,” Tony reached up and brushed this thumb over Loki’s chin, “right there.” Loki beamed and Tony took a bite of the cooking, letting out a very audible moan. “Delicious.”

“I’m glad you like it.” Loki did his best not to squirm. It felt so great being close to him.

Tony took the plate and set it by his glass of scotch. Loki gave him a curious look before letting out a squeak as he was lifted up. Automatically he wrapped his legs around Tony’s waist and clung to him. Tony’s hands slid down Loki’s back before firmly gripping his ass. Loki grinded against him and when Tony didn’t stop him Loki took that as encouragement.

He loved when Tony was like this. When he allowed Loki to touch him as much as he wanted to. When he squeezed him tightly. When he was so close Loki could feel the arc reactor pushed against him.

The god was carried into the kitchen, all the while listening to Tony whisper all sorts of dirty things into his ear.

“I’m going to fuck you so hard, princess, that my cock will get a crown.”

Loki was dropped onto the kitchen counter that was still covered in flour.

“Tony,” Loki moaned desperately. He was pushed back onto the counter, white puffing up around him.

“Patience, Bambi.” Tony unhooked Loki’s legs from around his waist and Loki gripped the edge of the counter by his head, trying to control his hectic breathing. “We have so many fun things we can play with.” Tony hummed while pulling off the god’s jeans. Loki wiggled slightly to speed up the process. “And we definitely don’t need these.” Tony said while pulling off Loki’s boxers. He ripped open Loki’s button up shirt. “Perfectly pink.” Tony mused while brushing a thumb over one of Loki’s nipples.

“More, please.” Loki begged, using his legs to pull Tony closer.

“Those who don’t wait, won’t get any cake.” Tony rhymed carelessly. “Well, you’re the cake tonight so I guess that doesn’t make that much sense.” Tony leaned over him, brushing against Loki’s very erect cock. The god moaned and rubbed against him wantonly. “Patience.” Tony reminded him. Loki groaned, but otherwise stopped moving. When Tony moved backwards he had a bag of chocolate chips in hand. “I never had a sweet tooth before you came along.” Tony said while placing chocolate chips on Loki, one balanced on each nipple, another on the hollow of his throat and the last on his navel.

Tony pulled back slightly to admire his work. He glanced around and grabbed a small bottle of olive oil. He coated three of his fingers with the slick substance.

“Please…” Loki begged and the chocolate chip that was on one of his nipples fell to the side.

“Control yourself.” Tony’s voice was stern, yet there was a playful side to it. Loki bit his lip to keep from moaning and grinning. “You’re so beautiful like this, completely laid out for me.” Tony slipped his oiled hand between Loki’s cheeks. “Don’t move. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” Loki said breathlessly, loving seeing such a carefree happiness in Tony’s eyes.

“Good.” A single finger circled Loki’s hole, not pushing in, just teasing. He leaned forward, brushing against Loki’s cock again. “Delicious.” Tony whispered while licking one of Loki’s nipples, scooping up the chocolate chip. It took every ounce of Loki’s strength not to either buck upwards or push against Tony’s fingers. Tony's tongue swirled twice around the oversensitive area before Tony bit down lightly. Loki couldn’t hold back his moan or stop himself from pushing down on Tony’s fingers. “Absolutely delicious.”

Tony’s breath fanned across Loki’s skin. He traced his tongue upwards and to the hollow of Loki’s neck, scooping up the chocolate chip that was there before biting the side of his neck while thrusting two fingers into the god. Loki arched upwards, but a flour coated hand on his hip wouldn’t let him thrust like he so desperately wanted to.

“I could spend hours just teasing you like this.” Tony whispered, his eyes bright.

Tony curled his fingers slightly, hitting the spot that always sent jolts of pleasure through Loki’s whole body. Tony’s drew swooping patterns with his tongue as he moved lower. He strayed to the side and bit Loki’s hip quickly before returning to his middle. Their eyes met just as Tony scooped the chocolate chip that had been resting on the dip of Loki’s navel.

The god made a weak keening noise as Tony added a third finger. The engineer kept moving lower- and Loki nearly came when he gripped his cock and licked from base to head in one slow, delicious movement.

“Please…” Loki begged, his fingers practically breaking the edge of the counter as he tried to hold back.

“Please what?” Tony asked, flicking his tongue out and licking Loki’s slit.

“Please, Tony, please!” Loki felt his eyes tearing up. He couldn’t say the words though. It was too embarrassing.

“Tell me what you want.” Tony scissored his fingers, making Loki arch off the flour covered counter.

“Please, please suck me off.” He could feel his face heat up as the words left him mouth. He couldn’t believe he just said that.

“No.”

“What?” Loki pushed himself up, not sure he’d heard right. When he saw the look of disgust in Tony’s eyes he knew the truth of the matter.

Oh Norns he’d gone too far. He’d crossed the line.

He was suddenly empty as Tony’s fingers left him. The engineer grabbed him by both ankles and before Loki could react he was pulled off the counter, landing hard on the tiled ground.

“Tony-” The contents of the bag of flour was poured right on top of him. He coughed, feeling it get caught in his throat. He was temporary blinded and when he tried to scramble to stand up he was kicked hard in the side. Loki curled in on himself, gripping his throbbing ribs as he wiped away the majority of the flour in his eyes. “Tony-”

“Shut up, you fucking Jotun whore.” Loki curled in tighter on himself, wanting to cover his ears, but knowing it would do no good. He already knew what he was. “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” Loki felt his head being jerked up by his hair. He let out a whimper of pain, but opened his eyes none the less. He cringed when he saw the pure hatred in Tony’s eyes, and for once it didn’t turn him on. “Aw, look at that,” Tony mocked. “Your tears are creating lines on your flour cover face. Even when you’re pretending to be an Aesir you can’t hide your disgusting Jotun origins.” Loki was dropped back to the ground. He tried wiping away the flour, but it only clumped on his face. “Put your clothes on before I vomit.”

Loki quickly stood up on shaking legs, grabbing his discarded pants. From the corner of his eye he saw Tony washing off his hands with a sneer on his face.

“Tony, I’m sorry-”

“I thought I told you to shut up.” It wasn’t a question and Loki had to bite down on his tongue to stop another apology from spewing out. Tony threw a damp dishcloth at Loki once he was done with it. “Clean yourself up. We don’t have much time.” Loki wanted to ask him what they didn’t have time for, but knew he had already gone too far. Loki wiped away at the majority of flour that was covering him. “Fix your fucking shirt. No one wants to see any of that.” With shaking hands Loki tried buttoning his shirt, but the majority of buttons were missing and he kept fumbling over the few that weren’t. “Are you kidding me?”

Loki’s vision was swimming and his hands wouldn’t stop trembling. His hands were swatted aside. Tony made fast work of the shirt, covering the majority of Loki’s torso.

Loki wasn’t sure if he should say thank you or beg for forgiveness.

He fell to his knees in a silent plea for mercy, saying as much as he could with just his eyes.

_I love you._

_Don’t make me go._

_I’m sorry._

_I’ll do better next time._

_Please, please, please Tony._

_I’m still useful. Please let me prove it to you._

_I’m so sorry._

_Please don’t make me go._

_I don’t want to be alone again._

_You’re all I have._

_I know I can do better. Please just give me a chance._

_I love you so much._

_Please, I don’t want to go._

_I’ll die…_

But his green eyes had no affect on the engineer. Tony grabbed Loki by his ear and began pulling him out of the kitchen. The god stumbled, forced to bend down painfully at his waist as he was led to the balcony. Every time he tripped he was pulled up roughly by his ear.

The cold outside cut right through him.

“Do you see that, Bambi?” Tony asked while shoving Loki against the railing. He grabbed Loki by his hair and forced him to look down over the balcony. Three black SUVs were parked right outside of the tower and SHIELD agents were streaming out of them. “Answer me.”

“Ye-es.” Loki squeaked, his voice breaking almost as much as his heart was.

“Do you know what they’re going to do to you? What they’re going to do to _me_?” Loki completely froze. He hadn’t even considered what they’d do to Tony. If Tony got hurt because of him-

“I’m so sorry, Tony! I’ll tell them whatever you want me to! I won’t let them hurt you-” Loki was cut off by Tony’s hollow laughter.

“You think I need _your_ help? I’m Tony Stark. At the end of the day I always come out on top.” Loki was pushed down harder and the metal railing dug against his hips painfully. “Do you think I’m doing all this because I’m scared of them?”

“I’m sorry! I don’t know!” The grip on his hair became tighter. He was crying so hard, but the wind swept away every drop.

“No, Loki.” The words echoed in his ears a thousand times over. “I’m not afraid of SHIELD. I’m just finished with you.” With that Loki was shoved over the railing.

And he was falling.

Out of Tony’s life.

And into the Void.

But this time when he landed it wasn’t on barren rock, it was on his bed.

Loki curled around his pillow and used it to muffle his scream.


	14. Chapter 14

By the time the sun rose Loki had completely forgotten about his dream from the night before.

He was surprised to find Tony awake and freshly showered so early in the morning. He was in the living room, a tablet in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other.

“Would you like some breakfast.” Loki offered quietly.

“Hmm?” Tony glanced up from his tablet. “Yeah, sure. I’m fine with whatever you want to make.”

Loki quickly got to work, cooking up some eggs, sausage, and toast. He peeled an orange and pulled the wedges apart. As he cooked he glanced continuously at Tony’s profile. He was so glad the engineer had stopped avoiding him. Having him around helped sooth Loki’s nerves.

He served Tony his meal, placing it on the coffee table. The engineer nodded in acknowledgement and Loki grinned before going back to the kitchen to finish making his own meal.

A few minutes later he joined Tony in the living room, sitting by his feet.

“Get up.” Tony ordered and Loki immediately complied, confused yet willing. “Either eat in the kitchen or sit in one of the seats.” Loki hesitated before choosing the recliner across from Tony’s. He ate in silence, glancing back from his plate to Tony periodically. The engineer only nibbled on his toast randomly. When Loki was done he set aside his plate and settled on just watching Tony work on the tablet. After a few minutes Loki began fidgeting. “What do you normally do when I’m not here?” Tony asked, not looking up from the tablet.

“Wait for you to comeback.” Loki answered honestly. Tony snorted.

“You don’t usually,” Tony made a vague hand motion in Loki’s direction, “stare this much.”

“I don’t normally get the chance to admire you.” Loki ducked his head, trying to hide his blush. He knew Tony saw straight through him though. “I usually sit beside you and you pet my head.”

“I don’t think ‘pet’ is the right word.” Tony popped half an orange wedge into his mouth. “Stop staring at me. It’s distracting.” Loki looked pointedly towards the corner of the room, just happy to be in Tony’s presence after such a long absence. “Fuck, Bambi, stop grinning like you just won the lottery. It’s creepy.” Loki tried to school his features, but his smile only grew.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered while covering his face with both hands.

“I swear you act like a love struck teenager sometimes.” Tony said while standing, tucking his tablet under his arm.

“Where are you going?” Loki asked, a tinge of panic in his voice.

“I can’t concentrate.”

“You stay. I’ll go.” Loki stood hastily as he spoke. “Besides, Jarvis said there are some packages of new clothing for me that I should unpack.” Loki grabbed his empty plate. “Thank you, by the way.”

“New clothing for his job.” Jarvis added in, before Tony could ask. The engineer eyed Loki a moment before nodding and sitting down, resuming his work on the tablet.

After putting his plate and fork in the dishwasher Loki hurried to the service elevator in the back of the penthouse. There were eight boxes. He teleported half of them and grabbed the rest. He avoided glancing at Tony as he passed by him on the way to his room.

A deadly little dagger appeared in Loki’s hand before he cut open the various boxes. As quick as it appeared it disappeared. He pulled out the useless packaging before finding the various pieces of clothing. They were all very different than his usual posh and prim outfits. These new garments were looser, more relaxed, but all smelled of either warehouses or shops. He gathered an armful of them up before walking to the laundry room, once more passing by Tony. This time he did glance at him, not being able to help himself. The engineer was completely engrossed in his work. Loki was pleased to see that he had at least eaten a bit more of his breakfast.

Once the laundry was on its way to being finished Loki didn’t know what to do with himself. He usually wasn’t this antsy. He was still not certain if Tony was serious when he implied he wouldn’t touch Loki anymore. He had refused Loki’s silent invitation to pet him…

His mind just kept circling around to that prospect of never being touched again. It wasn’t just about the sex either. Loki loved when Tony fucked him. In all his years no one could fuck him to the point where Loki couldn’t move, the point where his brain finally shut up. Fucked him so hard Loki lost track of his own self-hatred and inadequacy.

More than that he’d miss the rare occasions where Tony just held him. It usually happened when the engineer was distracted. He’d pull Loki to his side and tuck him under his arm. Even rarer were the soft touches that were accompanied by a compliment. Those were what Loki lived for.

If he lost that… he was afraid he’d spiral out of control again.

Loki couldn’t stand the uncertainty. He finally worked up the courage to just ask, but when he was at the mouth of the hallway, just at the edge of the living room he paused. He started chewing on his lip and his heart started racing, emotions teetering back and forth from paralyzing fear to hopelessness.

“You’re distracting me again.” Tony said without turning around. There was an edge of anger in his voice, making Loki cringe. He had been sure to move on silent feet, but Tony seemed to always know.

“I’m sorry.” Loki slinked backwards.

“I won’t be able to work until you ask whatever it is that’s causing you to pester me.” Tony called, making Loki pause and go back to the living room. Tony’s brown eyes were cold, penetrating. Loki felt like he was being stripped down, every façade he once cultured being destroyed. Tony always made him feel raw, but it had been a long time since he felt this exposed in the engineer’s presence. “Well?”

Loki took in a breath and focused on the spot right above Tony’s head, not able to look him in the eyes.

“When we were in the lab you mentioned not touching me again. I was wondering if you meant it.” Loki refrained from the onslaught of pleas and flawed arguments on why Tony should never ever stop touching him that came to mind.

Tony stared at the god. Loki could feel himself tensing further with each passing moment. He was close to collapsing in on himself when Tony finally spoke.

“Come here, Lokes.” Tony moved to the couch and gestured to the spot next to him. Loki held back his smile and joined him. He kept a bit of distance between them, trying not to get ahead of himself. “It’s best that we stop fucking and doing anything sexual with each other.” Tony said evenly and Loki’s eyes dropped down to his lap, tears already blurring his vision.

It was over… truly over. No one would ever touch him again. He’d be left alone in the dark, curled in a ball while touching himself-

“Pay attention, Reindeer Games.” Tony said, snapping Loki out of his spiraling thoughts. “You’re touch starved. That’s one of the reasons you’re so fucked up. To cut you off completely would just complicate things and I don’t want you to flinch every time someone else touches you the way you did when your measurements were taken.” Loki didn’t remember flinching. All he remembered was being annoyed at that woman who dared to touch Tony. “Lay down with your head in my lap- and remember this is not sexual, so I don’t want you nuzzling my equipment.” Loki felt himself blush for some reason. He pushed down his sudden embarrassment and hesitance before doing as he was told, resting his head on Tony’s thigh and trying to even out his breathing. “If this becomes too much go to your room and do whatever you need to do to calm down. Do you understand?”

“Yeah.” Loki was surprised by how weak his voice was.

Tony picked up his tablet with one hand and began playing with Loki’s hair with the other.

Loki let out a silent sigh of relief, his eyes fluttering shut against his will. He wanted to watch the lightening fast expressions that Tony randomly displayed when he was speed reading. They were barely discernible and would go unnoticed by most. Loki loved being able to see them, to understand them.

But this was better, so much better.

He could feel the solid warmth beneath him of Tony’s thigh, the slight tug and dragging as he twisted Loki’s hair around his fingers then unwound it. Tony scraped his blunt nails on Loki’s scalp and the god had to suppress a shiver. He didn’t want to distract Tony from his work after all.

Tony’s hand dipped lower. He brushed a thumb over Loki’s cheekbone before tracing his jaw line.

This was different, different than the ‘good job’ pats on the shoulder or post-fuck groping. It wasn’t the careless actions he usually did when playing with Loki’s hair. This was… almost tender and Loki didn’t know how to react.

Tony’s hand drifted to the back of Loki’s neck, scratching his hairline before sweeping over Loki’s shoulder, making the god regret wearing a long-sleeved shirt. Calloused fingers followed the contours of Loki’s arm. His touch went back up, ghosting over the apple of Loki’s throat then following his collarbone. The touch strayed to his forehead, resting there for a moment before he started tracing the features of Loki’s face. The dip of his eye, the rise of his cheekbone, his eyebrows, and the ridge of his nose, but not his mouth, not his lips. Tony’s fingers rested a moment on the shell of Loki’s ear before returning to long black hair.

“Lokes, you need to calm down.” Tony whispered softly. Loki didn’t understand what he meant at first, until he realized his breathing was stuttered and he was letting out broken sobs. “Can you hear me?” Loki nodded and could feel the tears that Tony had wiped away earlier already being replaced by more. He heard Tony set aside his tablet, but Loki didn’t want to open his eyes to be sure. Tony shifted beneath him slightly and Loki let out an involuntary whimper. “It’s alright. Come here.”

Strong hands maneuvered him onto his side and Loki immediately buried his face against Tony’s stomach, consequences be damned. Loki latched onto Tony, not able to hold back his body wracking sobs.

Tony kept carding his fingers through Loki’s hair with one hand and rubbing comforting circles on his back.

Loki didn’t even know why he was crying. It was like everything was just pouring out of him and if he didn’t hold onto Tony he’d drown in it.

“I’m-” Loki began, but another sob ripped through him. “-m sorry!” He should pull away, go to his room like Tony had suggested earlier, but he couldn’t bring himself to move, not with Tony holding him. “I’m sorry.” His words were slurred and muffled against Tony’s now wet shirt.

“Shh, it’s alright Lokes.” Tony said soothingly, pulling Loki closer to him. It only made him cry harder.

The god wanted to see his expression, to know if he’d gone too far, but he didn’t want Tony to see him like this, despite the fact that he’d seen him completely strung out more than once after a thorough fucking. This was different though and Loki didn’t understand why. Maybe it was the rhythmic hand on his back or the calloused fingers that ran through his hair. Or maybe it’s because no one had ever held him why he cried.

Whatever the reason, Loki wasn’t going to let go until Tony told him to.


	15. Chapter 15

Loki woke up feeling completely spent. He looked around and surmised that he was in the living room and it was early evening. Tony was nowhere to be seen.

Loki tried to sniffle as he sat up, but he was completely congested and his eyes felt dry.

“Sir left you a message.” Jarvis announced, startling Loki. Before he could respond Tony’s voice came over the intercom.

_“Hey Lokes, the Avengers were called to assemble. Just so you know you’re not in trouble and I’m not mad at you. Don’t know when I’ll be back. Pep is in Germany. Hold down the fort for me.”_

Loki let out a relieved breath. He hadn’t even been awake long enough to begin berating himself for crying like some lost child. He probably ruined Tony’s shirt with all his tears and snot.

“How is he not mad at me?” Loki mumbled as he stood, determined to sate his parched throat. Three glasses of water later he was resting his head on the cold granite counter. “Jarvis, what did I do?”

“Cried for approximately 86 minutes before falling asleep still clinging to Sir.” He hadn’t actually expected the AI to respond to him.

“What was Tony’s expression?”

“If you wanted to know that then you should have looked up as it happened.” Jarvis’ voice was lacking its usual sarcastic edge that the AI usually took when speaking to the god. It made Loki suspicious, but he was too tired to actually ponder the reason.

Loki grabbed a snack before heading back to the living room. He turned on the TV and quickly found a news network that was broadcasting the Avengers live. His eyes widened when he recognized the ‘villain’.

“Amora…” He hissed her name, regretting ever showing her one of the secret passages between the realms.

He watched for a moment as she dodged an attack from Tony. She had an oversized man with her and Loki vaguely remembered her introducing them once. He couldn’t remember his name though. Something with an S or a T perhaps…

The goliath was keeping the Hulk busy. The two SHIELD agents were nowhere to be seen, leaving Iron Man and the captain to take care of the sorceress. A ball of energy flew from her hand aimed directly at Tony’s arc reactor. Loki clinched his jaw, but Iron Man dodged at the last moment. Captain America tried to take advantage of her brief moment of distraction by hurling his shield at her, but she caught it easily while twirling around and laughing obnoxiously. Amora tossed it directly at the helicopter that was taping the whole situation. Loki’s eyes widened as he recognized the maneuver.

_“Amora.”_ He whispered her name, imbuing it with magic. The sorceress froze and Iron Man caught the shield before it could hit the helicopter. Amora snapped back into the fight and Loki could see her anger flare to life when she realized she missed her opportunity to shoot Iron Man as he went to intercept the shield.

_“Loki, it has been a while. Are you coming to join me?”_ Her voice sounded like she was whispering into his ear and he could see the words form on her lips.

_“Thor is not on Midgard.”_

_“I’m well aware.”_ Hulk tossed Amora’s companion into the ocean and charged at her. She let out a few choice curse words, dodging him and sending a spell at the captain. _“Yet you have not answered my question, Silvertongue.”_

_“Indeed I have not.”_ He’d played this game with her a thousand times when they had been acquaintances, never friends. No questions were ever truly answered.

_“The fallen prince who no one has seen since his temper tantrum on Midgard…. I’m honored to be the first to hear from you.”_ Her sarcasm was biting, but he pushed aside his anger.

_“You speak of temper tantrums as if you’re not having one right now.”_ Loki let his chuckle reverberate in her head. She teleported to the spot in the ocean her companion was wading water, grabbing his hand before teleporting them back into the middle of the fight.

_“Just having a bit of fun, love.”_ It was the nickname she used for every male she encountered, yet still irked him.

_“A word of warning, since we’re old friends,”_ on screen he could see her raise an eyebrow at that, _“the Aesir guards are coming to collect you and Thor is not among them.”_

_“You are privy to the comings and goings of Asgard?”_

_“Only when they’re particularly loud. I was wondering what caught their attention and found you to be the source.”_ Captain America hurled his shield again and it hit Amora’s companion straight on his head, making the tall man stumble. Iron Man blasted him three times in the chest in quick succession before Amora sent a wave of green magic out, pushing everyone away from her.

_“So you’re hiding in Asgard. How bold of you.”_ She hummed in delight and Loki could feel his anger starting to break through. He took a moment to compose himself.

_“I never said I was on Asgard.”_ He knew no matter what he said she’d already decided she was right. _“Regardless, I doubt you’ll have as much luck finding a way out of the dungeons as I did. Of course you can always try to seduce one of the guards.”_ Loki chuckled. _“They put a muzzle on me when I was captured so I couldn’t weave a tale. Perhaps they’ll just put a bag over your head so you can’t use those pretty eyes of yours to seduce.”_ On screen she pouted, making Loki laugh harder.

_“Thor will be mine.”_

_“By all means, have him.”_

_“Till next time, Liesmith.”_ She summoned her companion to her side.

_“Enchantress.”_ He said simply and she disappeared a moment later, severing their link.

Loki let out a shaky breath before slumping onto the couch. He’d forgotten how absolutely tiring it was to pretend to be that person. The half truths and deceptions, intimidations and threats, schemes and tricks… Loki didn’t understand how he used to live like that. He used to be constantly miserable, only briefly happy when a plan came to fruition.

So alone…

But that was his past. Now he had Tony. Well, more accurately, Tony had him.

Everything was simpler here. It was the only place he didn’t have to pretend, to lie. And he was with someone he loved. And for some unfathomable reason Tony allowed him to stay.

“Jarvis, how long until Tony gets home?”

“Sir should be arriving in an hour and a half.” Jarvis reported. Loki nodded, putting together a meal in his head. The stress from his conversation with Amora fell away as he started cooking.

Other worries took their place.

“Jarvis, I don’t know how to act around Tony anymore.” The AI did not respond immediately and Loki wondered if that was because he was consulting with his maker.

“So long as you don’t touch him or Ms. Potts without invitation and you don’t turn back to your criminal ways there’s not much you can do to sabotage yourself. Just be reasonable and you shouldn’t run into any problems.” Jarvis’ words were of no comfort to Loki and he started sinking back into his thoughts, gnawing away at his lip.

How was he going to be useful now that they weren’t fucking? Tony had already seen the majority of his spells and abilities. Loki’s cooking was good, but not that good, and Tony hardly ate as is.

Loki let out a little whimper and tried to blink away tears, but it did not work. Tony was allowing him to stay, but for how long? And with this new job Tony had ordered him to get he’d be out of the tower. What if his and Tony’s schedules made it so they never saw each other? What if he lost control and hurt the humans, especially the children. Tony would never forgive him. What if this was some big trick where the second he left they’d lock him out and he’d never be able to see Tony again other than on TV? What if SHIELD found him? What if they traced him back to Tony?

The scenarios kept swirling in Loki’s head and he could feel himself panicking, losing his good senses, each breath of air became more labored than the last.

What if Amora figured out he wasn’t in Asgard? What if she tried to steal Tony from him? Or worse, she told Tony that he is a Jotun ice monster.

Loki sunk down onto the floor, trying to gain control of his breathing. He’d already broken down once today. Another would be redundant and just make Tony regret ever letting Loki into his home.

Nothing helped though and Loki just slid further into chaos, letting out a sob as he curled up in a corner.

What good was he beyond fucking?

He was just a house whore, a warm hole, a distraction. Tony said as much and Loki knew that Tony never lied to him, even when lying would have been easier.

Loki buried his hands in his hair, pulling on the dark locks.

He was so stupid and twisted, getting hard at the memory of Tony’s cruel words.

Loki laughed hysterically through his tears.

He always ended up like this, crying in a corner, tugging at his hair, and rocking himself slightly in hopes of friction.

He was so hard. Hard and alone.

Loki palmed himself through the jeans he was wearing, stroking his cock through the fabric. It wasn’t enough though. _Loki_ wasn’t enough and he never would be.

He undid his jeans and freed his cock. Loki let out a broken moan as he began thrusting into his own fist. Tony would never touch him like this again. No one ever would.

Loki just wanted to feel something. He wanted Tony to make everything alright again- for Tony to love him, love a pathetic monster.

He made breathless little noises as he stroked himself. It still wasn’t enough.

Why wasn’t it enough?

Why wasn’t he ever enough?”

Loki growled in frustration while pulling and kicking his jeans the rest of the way off.

An idea sparked to life in his mind. He needed to be filled, to be pushed into so thoroughly that all his thoughts became quiet.

The way Tony used to fuck him.

He crawled to the fridge, ripping the door open before clawing at the bottom drawer, pulling out a cucumber. Without any preparation or lube he shoved it inside of himself, hissing at the stinging pain as he was stretched instantly. It hurt so much it was almost paralyzing, but Loki _needed_ this.

He needed the thought to stop.

Loki brought himself back up to his knees and knocked aside everything that was on the bottom shelf of the fridge then he used the shelf to support his upper body. He fucked himself with the cucumber and stroked his cock at a violent pace.

“Please…” He begged for release, for Tony. “Please, please, please-” It wasn’t enough. It still wasn’t enough. Loki let out a frustrated sob before hitting his forehead down on the cold shelf, causing it to crack. “Please!” He tried to angle the cucumber to hit his prostate, but he kept missing. His hole was still throbbing from the sudden intrusion. And it wasn’t enough.

Loki wasn’t enough.

“You pathetic piece of shit. Look at you!” Loki shouted at himself. “Do you want to get kicked out? Because this is how you get kicked out! You’re disgusting. You’re useless. How dare you damage the fridge?! It costs more than you’re worth!” The cucumber hit his prostate and the god let out a keening noise. “Tony’s going to call SHIELD when he sees how fucked up you are! They’re going to laugh at you! They’ll point and sneer! You’ll be the laughing stock of all nine realms! You disgusting- Jotun whore! Unwanted child! Monster! No one will ever touch you again!”

Loki’s whole body grew taut. He shoved the cucumber inside himself once more as he came. His mind shattering into silence as he let out a single whimper.

What little strength he had left disappeared and he fell forward, slumping inside the fridge. He stared at the leftovers from two nights ago as he panted raggedly. His gasps quickly changed to sobs that shook his whole body.

“I’m sorry.” Loki whispered, too tired to move and too distressed to use his magic. He was stuck like this. He couldn’t even remove the cucumber. He could smell the food burning on the stove, hear the water boiling over. He could feel the broken bottle of ketchup slime his leg, the glass scraping against his skin. “I’m so sorry.” He squeezed his eyes shut and wished he could just disappear.


	16. Chapter 16

When Tony got back just under an hour later Loki was still in the same position, half his body laying in the fridge while the lower half was sprawled out, a cucumber still firmly set between two pale cheeks.

Loki began crying harder when he heard Jarvis taking apart the Iron Man suit. A thousand scenarios on what Tony would say when he saw Loki like this were going through his head. Tony's footsteps sounded like a death march. Loki couldn't see him as he entered the kitchen, but he could feel him. He could feel him taking in every detail of the scene in front of him.

"I'm sorry Tony-"

"Hush." The authority in Tony's voice made Loki bite his lip to stay silent, almost breaking the skin. He could hear Tony moving near him. Loki tried to turn his head to see, but it was too painful. A strong arm wrapped around his torso, Tony's hand sprawled over Loki's chest. Another lifted him by his hips and he let out a pained whimper as he was moved out of the fridge and laid on his side on the floor, his back facing Tony. One of his legs was lifted and he felt the cucumber shift. "Fuck Lokes. Please tell me you used lube." Loki screwed his eyes shut, just trying to pretend this was all some dream. "Answer me." The authority was back in Tony's voice.

"No." Loki croaked, even more embarrassed by how broken his voice was. The cucumber shifted again and he hoped that was because Tony was removing it.

"You need to relax or I won't be able to get it out. You have it in there pretty deeply." Loki shook his head as best he could considering he was laying on his side and didn't have enough energy to move. "Loki, relax. I am here now. I am in control of this situation. Everything will be fine so long as you follow my directions." Loki felt some of the tension that was coiled in his muscles unravel. "Very good." Tony hitched Loki's leg a bit higher. He tried to keep his breathing even as the cucumber start to move. It was painful. He felt like something was clawing at his insides. "Calm down, relax." Loki took in a deep breath and tried to do as he was told. Every inch that came out felt more painful than the last and Loki could barely hold it together. When it finally cleared his oversensitive hole he let out a hysterical laugh. "I'm going to check you for any tears. Do you understand?"

"Yes." Two fingers slowly entered him. He had to hold back a hiss as his hole quivered around them. Tony's fingers moved slowly over the swollen flesh. Loki yelped as the flesh Tony was touching caught on fire. "Please stop!" He tried to move away from the pain, but couldn't.

"Hold on." Tony moved from the spot that burned before pulling out. Tony sighed and Loki cringed. "You have at least one tear. If they're more they're too deep for me to find without proper equipment." Tony reached over him to a dishtowel. There was blood on his middle and pointer fingers. "We need to get you cleaned up properly." Tony lifted Loki's head and placed the folded dishtowel under it. "I'm going to go run a bath. Do you need anything before I go?"

"No." Loki whispered, not wanting Tony to go. He could hear Tony's retreating footsteps. Now that the cucumber was gone Loki wasn't completely paralyzed. He bent his knees further and flinched when his insides stung. "So stupid. Stupid, stupid child." He cursed at himself, fresh out of tears.

He'd gone too far this time and was certain Tony was only cleaning him up just to kick him out. Jarvis had said that so long as Loki was reasonable then everything would be fine. Fucking one's self to the point of exhaustion while wrecking a kitchen probably did not fall into the category of 'reasonable'.

Tony reappeared a moment later.

"I doubt you can stand… should have left my suit on." Tony mumbled. "Fuck, haven't really carried anyone since MIT." Tony kneeled behind him. "Alright Dasher, I'm going to lift you up. I need you to sling your arm over my shoulder when I do and hold onto me. Can you do that?" Loki tested his arms. He had minimal control, but it would be enough.

"Yeah, I can."

An arm was slipped below Loki's knees and another under his arms. He gasped as he was jostled before he remembered he needed to help. He lifted his shaking arm, looping it behind Tony's neck before digging his fingers into the soft fabric of his undersuit. His head lolled to the side, falling onto Tony's shoulder.

The engineer groaned as he stood up. He readjusted his hold on Loki, giving the god a better view of the mess he caused. Food and half dried liquids were streaked over the white tiles. One of the shelves in the fridge had a long crack down the middle and all the food was on its way to being spoiled.

"The stove." He warned, remember that he had been in the middle of cooking when he broke down.

"Jarvis turned it off when he realized you weren't getting back up." Tony explained, trying to make his steps as even as possible. The god was surprised when he saw that they were heading towards Tony's room. He could hear water flowing. "I'm going to set you down on the edge of the tub so that only your thighs are touching it. You need to hold onto my shoulders for support as I wipe the majority of this gunk off you." Loki nodded, idly noticing how the fabric of the undersuit felt strange to him. Loki held back a gasp as he was maneuvered to the edge. His hands fisted on Tony's shoulders as he tried to maintain his balance.

The engineer grabbed a pair of scissors and cut off Loki's soiled shirt. He tossed aside the rag and grabbed a washcloth he had placed close by earlier, dipping it into the warm water. Loki couldn't read his expression as he began wiping away the crusted on foods and sauces. It wasn't the anger or annoyance Loki had been expecting.

The washcloth felt like heaven on his skin. He was already feeling less like a child who had played in the gutter, though the self-hatred was just the same. When the cloth was red from ketchup and whatever else he'd spilled Tony threw it on the tattered pile of Loki's old shirt. He grabbed another and repeated the process until the majority of crud was gone.

"Can you keep yourself balanced while I take this off?" Tony gestured to his undersuit. Loki nodded, trying to hide the way his eyes lit up at the prospect of Tony undressing. The engineer gave him a knowing look and Loki reminded himself how much he fucked everything up.

He couldn't hide his disappointment when Tony kept his boxers on. Tony turned off the water before putting one leg in the tub, sitting down so that he was straddling the edge.

"This is going to sting." Tony warned and Loki could see a fresh bruise starting to bloom across the engineer's side. Damn Amora.

"I know." Loki responded, he could feel his emotions starting to shut down.

Tony helped Loki into the tub and true to his word it did sting. He found himself settled between Tony's legs, leaning against his chest. He hadn't really expected Tony to follow him in, let alone be used as a backrest and support for the stupid god who let panic take him.

"You've calmed down." Tony observed while squirting soap onto a sponge.

"I've cried everything out. I'm not capable of feeling emotions right now, too tired, too spent." Loki sighed softly as the sponge was trailed up his arm, circling his shoulder twice.

"Interesting." The sponge dipped down to Loki's chest. He was reminded of earlier when Tony was caressing him lightly.

"I've had worse, I'll have you know." Loki said without thought.

"Hmm?"

"I've had worse pain. I've been ran through with swords, had limbs nearly severed, and bones crushed. I've even had my guts pulled out. I don't understand why I couldn't move." Loki rested his head against Tony's shoulder and let his eyes flutter shut. Tony didn't respond immediately and Loki was fine with that, so long as he kept washing him.

"It wasn't the physical pain that kept you from moving. It was the emotional and mental pain." Tony dipped the sponge in the water, wringing it out before adding more soap. "There's a difference between getting a wound in battle from an enemy than a self inflicted wound done in a safe place, even if it was on accident. I assume it was on accident."

"It was." Loki confirmed.

"On the outside you're fine, but on this inside you're all sorts of fucked up and I'm partially to blame for that."

"I'm too tired to have this conversation again."

"And you even denied me something. I think I like this tired version of you."

"I'll endeavor to hurt myself more often." Loki drawled out.

"Oh and he has sass. I definitely like this version of you."

"Shame that he'll be gone after I rest." Loki could already feel the panic edging at his consciousness.

"I'm sure I'll see him again, someday." Tony moved slightly. "Scoot forward I need to wash your hair. It smells like mashed potatoes." Loki used the edges of the tub to lift himself slightly before settling down a few inches further down. "Good enough." Tony wrung out the sponge again before filling it with water. "Close your eyes." Water cascaded over his head before fingers started working their way into his locks. "Can you wash your lower half? It's a bit out of my reach."

"I'm capable." Loki said dryly plucking up the floating sponge.

"I'm sure, your highness." Tony's voice was dripping with sarcasm. The Loki before the fall would have been insulted and annoyed. The Loki from the time of his fall up to the point Tony talked to him would have tried to kill him. The Loki from this morning would have berated himself. The current Loki couldn't be bothered by such a harmless comment.

He continued washing himself, ignoring the pain in his lower back and insides. They'd be all healed up by morning anyway. After a while he handed Tony the sponge again and the engineer used it to wash the suds out of Loki's hair. Tony worked conditioner into the long black hair and Loki wondered what was going through his head.

"Are you angry at me?" He finally asked after working up the energy to do so.

"Would it matter to you if I was?" Tony countered.

"It will when I wake up." Loki sunk further into the water, fighting to stay awake.

"I'm madder at myself than I am at you." Tony washed the conditioner out of Loki's hair.

"I don't understand." Loki furrowed his brow trying to make sense, despite his brain being addled by exhaustion.

"You're my responsibility, a part of my household." Tony wrapped his arms around Loki's chest hoisting him up so he wouldn't sink further into the water. "You're mine." Tony bit into Loki's shoulder, startling him away from the edging unconsciousness.

"I thought you said we wouldn't be doing anything sexual." Loki grinned, rubbing himself against the engineer. Tony put a bit of space between them.

"There was nothing sexual about that bite. You're mine, even if we're not fucking." Tony stated simply. "It's time to get out of here. I'm starting to prune and you're starting to doze." Tony helped the god stand and step out of the tub. He dried him off quickly. "You're sleeping with me tonight."

"I'll be a mess in the morning."

"Which is exactly why you're going to be in my bed." He guided him out of the bathroom, downturning the sheets. He carefully pushed Loki onto the bed.

"Will you do me one favor?" Loki asked, unable to open his eyes back up.

"Let me hear it then I'll answer you."

"Just don't lie to me. Too many people have lied to me."

"Hmm, I'll do my best, but no guarantees. I have to keep the world safe and those I love safe. You're dangerous when you want to be." Tony tucked the blankets up to Loki's chin.

"I'm not dangerous to you." He mumbled, holding back a yawn.

"I'm not worried about me." Loki felt a tender touch on his forehead coupled with the scratching of Tony's goatee. A kiss then. He wiggled further into the bed before easily falling asleep.


	17. Chapter 17

Loki woke up feeling warm, comfortable, and just a tinge sore. That lasted a total of three seconds before he remembered why he was sore.

He shot up, disturbing the other occupant of the bed- Tony. Oh Norns, he was sleeping next to Tony. He was in Tony’s bed. Had he snuck into his room last night?

No, he vaguely remembered Tony carrying him into his room, but everything after that was a bit of a blur. He started edging away from him, but a hand wrapped around his wrist, pulling it out from under him. Loki lost his balance, making him fall onto his back. He was tugged closer to the engineer until he was tucked snuggly between Tony’s arm and chest.

“Go to sleep, Bambi.” Tony ordered, his voice groggy. The god opened his mouth then promptly shut it again. Instead of speaking he nuzzled against Tony and let his consciousness slip away.

* * *

The next time he woke up Tony was already awake and working on his tablet.

“I’m sorr-” Tony quickly cut him off.

“Shut up and don’t interrupt me. What you did last night was unacceptable on many levels. You were panicking. I can understand that, but if you felt like you were about to lose control you should have called me. I would have talked you down. Along with that you damaged the kitchen and wasted a good amount of food. Worst of all you hurt yourself. I don’t care if you masturbate. Actually, I encourage it. But what you did wasn’t really masturbating. That was you trying to distract yourself with orgasms. You are not to hurt yourself when you’re living in my household.” Tony flicked Loki on the nose causing him to flinch. “If you clean the kitchen and make me a good breakfast then you’ll be forgiven.”

It took a moment for Loki to fully process what Tony had said. When he did he nodded and scrambled out of bed. He teleported himself to his closet and threw on the first outfit he saw, briefly remembering that he’d left some of his clothing in the washer last night. They were probably sour by now. With another teleportation spell he was in the laundry room, adding detergent and starting the wash again. He ran to the kitchen and froze when he saw the mess he’d made. It looked so much worse now that he was completely awake.

It was a disaster and he could barely stand to look at it. He cast a handful of cleaning spells before sitting on the floor between the barstools, trying to calm down. He pulled at his hair before smoothing it down, casting a small spell to relax his unruly curls. The racket behind him quieted down and Loki stood up. The kitchen was immaculate excluding the trashcan which was nearly full.

He rifled through the fridge and found most of the things he’d use for breakfast were missing. Luckily there was bacon in the freezer. He defrosted it quickly with a touch of magic before setting it to fry. The breadbox was untouched and there were potatoes in the cupboard. Hash browns, bacon, and toast for breakfast then. With coffee of course. Breakfast for Tony Stark was not complete without coffee.

Loki loaded up a tray and then realized the ketchup had been destroyed last night. He bit his lip, trying to think of where he could find some quickly.

“Jarvis, is there any ketchup close?”

“There is a bottle in Steve Rogers’ penthouse.” The AI reported.

“Is he there?” He asked while shifting from foot to foot.

“Captain Rogers is presently in DC. There is no one in his penthouse.” Loki nodded before turning himself invisible and teleported to the captain’s kitchen. He quickly found the ketchup and teleported himself back upstairs. He drowned the hash browns in ketchup the same way Tony always did before he sent it back to Steve’s fridge.

Tony was still in bed when he got back, but he was working on a holograph of a new suit. The engineer brought his hands together and the holograph became smaller before disappearing.

“You broke rule number two, Lokes.” Tony said while sighing. Loki froze in the doorway, almost dropping the tray. “Why did you go to a floor you’re not allowed on?”

“I was- because the- ketchup- You needed ketchup.” He tried to explain, doing his best not to step backwards into the hallway. Tony sighed again.

“Put down the food and come here.” Loki set aside the tray and hesitantly walked over to the bed. “What am I going to do with you, Lokes?”

“I’m sorry.” He couldn’t look at the engineer.

“I can’t punish you the usual way.” Tony pulled Loki onto the bed with him. “Quite the conundrum.” Loki slumped, his shoulders were shaking as he tried to keep from crying. Mistake after mistake. Why did he keep fucking up? “I guess I’ll just have to take away some of your privileges. Fuck. I feel like a parent.” Tony leaned back against the headboard, closing his eyes. “No using the living room or using any of its blankets. You’re not allowed in the lab either. No baking treats. Only for three days. Do you think that’s fair?”

Loki peeked up at Tony, not understanding why he was asking him. Fair was whatever Tony decided it was. Loki had no right to judge what was right or wrong. One of the reasons he was here was so that he wouldn’t have to anymore.

“Uhm, yes. That’s fair. I’m sorry.” Tony patted him on the shoulder and Loki relished the brief contact.

“Just don’t make the same mistake twice. I won’t be so lenient next time you break one of the rules and if you do not adhere to these new restrictions I’ll have to take more extreme measures and I guarantee you won’t like them. Understand?” Tony gave him a look that Loki couldn’t interpret.

“Yes, I understand.” Loki nodded, trying not to sigh in relief.

“Good, now grab me my food. I didn’t get to eat last night since I was taking care of you.” Tony tossed aside his tablet and pulled another pillow behind his back. Loki quickly grabbed the tray before warming the contents with a brief burst of magic. He carefully positioned it on the engineer’s lap before making a hasty retreat. “Stop. There’s still some things we need to discuss once I’m finished eating.”

Loki stood awkwardly in the doorway, feeling his own hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach. It did give him an opportunity to watch Tony eat unabashedly which rarely happened. His expression was unreadable and he was humming one of the loud songs he usually blared in the lab.

The bruise on his side was dark and Loki was worried that a rib might be broken. Damn Amora and her stupid crush. And damn Thor for never properly discouraging her. That oaf of a prince had fallen in and out of her bed countless times regardless of Loki’s many warnings. Hopefully she’d stay in Asgard for good now. Perhaps Thor would even tire of his blond mortal and turn to more local fare.

When Tony finished his meal Loki grabbed the tray and set it aside.

“Sit.” Tony gestured to the end of the bed and Loki promptly followed his order. “Tell me about the job you chose.”

“Oh,” that was not what Loki had been expecting them to talk about. “I’m going to be a self defense instructor for children.”

“Kids are breakable, especially human kids. Are you sure you won’t hurt them, even on accident?” Tony asked while getting out of bed and heading for the closet. Loki followed him with his eyes, stray thoughts about never being touched again filtering through his mind.

“I won’t touch them directly while I show different techniques. I’ll only be in physical contact with them when I’m correcting their form. I know how to treat children. During my studies in Alfheim-”

“I’ll take your word on it, Bambi.” Tony said while pulling on a pair of jeans. “J, where and when is he working?”

“Four to seven at a youth facility in midtown. I also penciled him in to help clean the facility an hour prior. I hope that’s alright with you, Sir.”

“I trust your judgment.” Tony tapped his arc reactor in thought before putting on a shirt. “Research self defense classes and create a summary of what Loki needs to do.”

“Yes Sir.”

“How did we even get him this job?”

“Stark Industries donates to many facilities in order to, as the politicians would say, keep children off the streets. The director of the facility was more than happy to have another activity to offer the children.”

“Jarvis, you’re my favorite. Just don’t let Pepper know. She’ll get jealous.”

“I’m sure.” The AI said dryly.

Tony sat back on the bed with Loki. The god fidgeted, his thoughts going back to the disaster last night.

“Your name was brought up yesterday during the debriefing.” Loki completely froze. “You want to tell me about why you were talking to Amora?” It sounded like a question, but was clearly an order.

“She was about to about to hit you with enough force to knock you out of the air. I had to do something.” He pleaded with Tony to understand.

“You’ve been acting out a lot as of late. I did review the footage though, both of the battle and in the penthouse. I can see that her attack would have hit me so I’ll let this indiscretion slide.” Tony grinned. “Now get out of here, you crazy kid.” He patted Loki on the head and the god blushed. He quickly picked up the tray. He could hear Tony chuckling as he walked to the kitchen.

The sound faded away and Loki was suddenly engulfed in silence, only the clinking of the dishes as he put them in the dishwasher. He opened the fridge and looked at the bottom shelf. There was a long crack running down the middle of it.

He was suddenly no longer hungry.

Pathetic, absolutely pathetic.

Loki repaired the shelf with a spell he used often while growing up.

He glanced around the kitchen looking for any stray damage.

Tony walked by the kitchen and quickly disappeared down the hall that led to the elevator. From his attire and relaxed way of moving it was obvious that he was going to the lab. The lab where Loki could have watched him from a distance if he hadn’t lost his mind yesterday.

His hand ghosted over the stove, wanting more than ever to bake something now that he knew he couldn’t.

“Jarvis, when does my job start?”

“Three days hence.”

Loki looked down at the counter, tapping his fingers against the expensive stone it was made of. He couldn’t cook, he couldn’t watch Tony work, and he couldn’t bundle himself up in the soft blankets in the living room.

Alone… Isn’t this how his madness always started?

Alone on the throne. Alone in the Void. Alone in his cell.

Now the man he loved wasn’t going to touch him…

“Stay calm.” Loki whispered to himself. If he broke down he wasn’t certain how Tony would react. He lost his mind twice yesterday and he was close to the edge again. “Breathe.” He gripped the edge of the counter. “Keep it together.”

This is what happened when Tony stopped fucking him. He was purposeless.

Why couldn’t the engineer just understand that he needed this? Needed to be pushed down, to be spread apart and slammed into. Was this some new game to punish him?

No, he could see that Tony was being sincere with his talk of how being around Loki was killing Tony’s soul. Loki was poison, but he never thought he’d be able to hurt Tony.

“I’m sorry.”

He couldn’t break down here though. He’d already done that once. Loki forced his feet to move, to take him to his own room, to his bed that only had a single sheet and pillow, not enough to cocoon himself in like he usually did in the living room.

“Why can’t he understand? I _need_ him.” Loki curled up on his bed, hiding beneath the sheet.

He needed Tony. Without him no one would fuck the insanity out of him. No one would make him shatter then come back together all at once. No one would ground him in the present.

Without Tony pounding into him Loki was certain that he would never forget for even a moment all his shortcomings, all his fuck-ups.

Loki started breathing at a frantic pace, feeling insanity creeping over him again. He covered his mouth with both hands, forcing himself to only breathe through his nose.

It was too much, never having Tony's touch again. This new punishment that took away everything that usually kept his mind occupied.

He felt tears fall from his tightly shut eyes. The darkness was suddenly too much, reminding him of the Void. He bolted upright, tossing aside his bedding. He ran over to his window, looking at the buzzing life far below. Loki breathed out a sigh or relief. He was no longer in the Void or being tortured by the Other. He was in the home of the man he loved, even if he wouldn't touch him anymore, at least Loki was still allowed in his presence.

A small grin crept into place.

He had slept in Tony's bed last night, in his arms.

He'd just have to hold onto that.


	18. Chapter 18

Everything was hollow. Tony had only come back up to the penthouse to change into a business suit.

Loki’s three days of punishment were almost up. He was so grateful that Jarvis had seen fit to distract him with videos of self defense classes and lessons on how to act around children. It had filled some of the silence, but not nearly enough.

He’d taken to pacing the penthouse floor, his bare feet thumping against the floor in rhythm with his heartbeat. Loki chewed at his thumbnail, thinking.

He hated this so much. He just wanted things to go back to how they were… how they were before he broke down, before he crossed some invisible line.

Loki drifted into his room then bathroom. He set the temperature of the shower to as close to Tony’s body temperature as he could. Quickly he stripped down and went into the shower. His imagination and his hand were his only companions now.

He shoved himself against the wall, imagining it was Tony doing so.

_No water will ever be able to wash away the filth that you are._

Loki could almost feel Tony’s hands ghost over him before he knocked Loki’s feet apart, widening his stance.

“I’m sorry.” Loki whispered.

_Oh, and what are you sorry about this time?_

Tony gripped Loki’s hair roughly, pulling on it till the god’s neck craned backwards.

“I’m not good enough for anything. Why haven’t you cast me out?”

Tony pressed his forearm against the back of Loki’s neck, pushing his face against the tiled wall.

_You don’t get to ask questions._ Tony bit into Loki’s shoulder, making the god shudder. _Just take it like the slut you are._ Loki’s hand drifted down his own back, pretending it was Tony’s. He let out a whimper as fingers teased his entrance. _I’ll use you until I grow bored and then I’ll toss you out._ The tile wall was cold against his skin, only adding to his arousal.

“Please…”

_Is that the only thing you can say?_ Two fingers were suddenly shoved inside of him, causing Loki to let out a broken moan. _Why do I even waste my time with you?_ The fingers moved inside of him brushing the spot that always blocked out all his thoughts.

“Loki, if you are to arrive at your first day of work on time I’d advice you stop fingering yourself and get dressed.” Jarvis said, pulling Loki out of his fantasy. The god groaned before bashing his head against the wall, cracking the tiles.

He immediately regretted his decision when he saw the destruction he’d caused. Why must he break everything he touched?

Loki turned off the water and grabbed a towel. He shape shifted into his male mortal persona as he dried off, all the while cursing himself silently.

“Jarvis,” Loki called out hesitantly. The AI didn’t respond. “Do you perhaps know where the wallet with my fake identification is at?”

“It is on the top shelf in the closet, besides your purse.” Jarvis said dryly. Loki nodded mutely, quickly finding it where Jarvis said it would be. Loki changed into the new clothes the AI had ordered for his job. He didn’t quite like how baggy everything was, but he wasn’t about to complain. On the way out he grabbed the cell phone Tony gave him. “Sir has left you a conditional present.”

“A present?” Loki’s eyes lit up, completely not hearing the conditional aspect.

“Yes, he dropped it off on the kitchen counter.”

“Is he still here?” Loki restrained himself for running out of his room half naked in order to see the engineer.

“That is not important.” Loki visibly deflated.

“But he bought me a present.”

“Yes, but you can only have it if you do well today at your job. Otherwise it will be disposed of and you’ll never know what Sir bought specifically just for you.” Jarvis’ words seemed to hang in the air. The god quickly threw on the rest of his clothes before running to the kitchen.

It was a nondescript black box with a green ribbon that was neatly tied. Loki kept his hands tightly clasped behind his back to ward off any temptation to touch the box before he was allowed to. He glanced around, but couldn’t see or magically sense Tony anywhere, much to his chagrin.

Loki let out a sigh, taking a step backwards from the box.

“It would not be wise to be late on your first day. Sir has already set up a car and driver for you so that you stay out of the general population.” Jarvis drawled, his voice bored.

Loki checked himself over once, making sure his glamour matched with his ID picture, his clothing was all in place, and that none of his more monstrous aspects were visible. He felt his stomach plummet with the elevator. He was nervous, anxiety whittling away at what little confidence he’d built up from reviewing all the information Jarvis had supplied him on teaching self defense.

Despite assuring Tony earlier that he was quite capable of teaching children he was afraid that he’d hurt them and Tony wouldn’t accept him anymore. If he messed this up there would be no coming back to the tower or to Tony. He’d truly be lost then.

The soft ping of the elevator startled the god, but he quickly pulled himself together as the doors slid open. A driver Loki didn’t recognize was leaning against a dull blue car as he read the newspaper. He glanced at Loki with a nod, folding the paper under his arm and opening the passenger side door as he walked by it.

Loki hesitated just in case he was misreading the situation. When the driver brought the car to life Loki silently slipped into the seat next to him, muffling the click of his seatbelt automatically. The god kept his hands still in his lap, doing his best not to fidget.

He wasn’t used to being around anyone other than Tony and sometimes Ms. Potts. At least with children he had the semblance of superiority. He did his best not to think or look at the other individual.

Loki just had to hide how disgusting he was and then maybe he wouldn’t feel the others’ disgust. If he couldn’t sense their disgust than he could control his inappropriate lust. It was a method that more or less worked for most of his life, but not with Tony, not with someone who could see right through him.

Loki was just thankful that the driver’s eyes were focused on the road. It was easier to hide when no one was watching.

He couldn’t say how long it was before the car was parked in front of a large building that read Midtown Youth Center.

“I’ll be parked here.” The driver said simply, pulling his newspaper out. Loki nodded and exited the vehicle.

Jarvis already told him everything that would happen from this point onwards, where he was supposed to go, who he was supposed to speak to, and how he should act.

The woman who ran the center was exceptionally polite to the point where Loki knew she was faking it. Ms. Gantry gave him a quick tour of the center introducing him to various employees and other volunteers. They all greeted him nicely, but he could easily read how fake they all were. All of them were liars trying to maintain a sense of decorum and civility.

He hated them for it.

All the parents were just the same, shaking his hand. He was surprised by how nauseous he felt when they shook his hand. He had feared never being touched again if Tony kicked him out, yet here he was in contact with others and it just made him sick.

The younger children were different though. They were too stupid to see the vileness that was hidden behind a false face. They were so naïve, reminding Loki of how he once was, before he grew up.

The teenagers irked him the most. They were rude and either texting or talking to each other. More than once he wanted to slap them when they scoffed at him when he explained the importance of landing correctly on the ground when thrown or knocked over. He restrained himself though, for Tony, and because of his own selfish desires.

By the end he had to spend an extra fifteen minutes at the center, waiting for parents to pick up their children. Loki fidgeted hoping the driver hadn’t left him behind. He was sure he could find his way back to Stark Tower, but he might get scolded or ignored for getting in late.

Loki sighed in relief when the blue car was still there. The drive back to the tower was slightly less strained. His excitement for possibly getting a gift from Tony out shadowed that. Loki was practically buzzing with excitement as he was dropped off in the garage. He ran to the elevator door and refrained from hitting the up button repeatedly. It seemed to move excruciatingly slow as the numbers counted down then going past L for lobby and finally stopping P for parking garage.

The elevator moved even slower as it rose up to Tony’s floor. Loki tapped his foot impatiently. Before the doors could even slide open all the way he was out of it and in the kitchen.

“Jarvis, is Tony home?” Loki asked, eyeing the present on the counter.

“He’s in the lab.” Jarvis sounded bored.

“Is my punishment over?”

“There’s still three hours left.” A countdown began on the living room TV, the living room he couldn’t use.

Loki retreated to his room, dropping his glamour and changing into charcoal grey slacks with white button up shirt with dark green buttons. He folded the sleeves up to his elbow and combed out his long hair till it gleamed perfectly. With a few words of power he straightened his black hair and slicked it back.

He looked good. He knew he looked good, but only on the outside.

He wasn’t really wearing lab safe attire, but it’s not like Tony ever really needed his assistance there anyway. He was always just a casual observer when he was in the lab.

This was a long shot, but perhaps if he looked good enough Tony would reconsider his decision not to fuck him anymore. He’d come up with the idea while listening (against his will) to two women discuss how the older of the two was trying to get back together with her estranged husband. The younger had advised her to always look her best especially during every day run ins.

Now he just had to wait for the last of his punishment to end. He glanced into the living room. Ten minutes hadn’t even passed.

Loki rearranged his room, moving the bed and nightstand various times. He made his bed, the one sheet and pillow becoming perfectly neat. The bathroom was already practically spotless since he’d cleaned it the day before in a bout of boredom.

Loki saved the closet for last since he knew it would take him the longest to clean. He hadn’t properly unpacked the majority of his new workout clothes. He split his clothing into four different categories. Workout wear, lounge wear, formal wear, and dresses for if he ever needed to pretend being a woman. He lined up the different shoes under the respective categories, febreezing the tennis shoes even though he’d literally only wore them once. The three shiny purses were lined up perfectly. They were so beautiful. He was so happy that he hadn’t gotten an opportunity to ruin them.

He shined his dress shoes and really wanted to shine Tony’s but knew he wasn’t allowed in his room.

So much of his life was dedicated to waiting now that what little use he had to the engineer had stopped fucking him. Now was no exception.

“Jarvis, would it count as me breaking the rules if I made Tony a sandwich?”

“You are only prohibited from baking, but do not expect a bribery to sway his decision on whether you’ve earned that gift or not. We have all the security footage from your time outside of the tower.”

“I wasn’t trying to bribe him…” Loki mumbled, feeling his anxiety build up.

“Of course not.” Jarvis’ digital voice sounded sarcastic yet knowing. “Sir says you are also to bring down the present once your punishment is finished.” Loki looked over to the countdown. Twelve minutes. The exact time it would take him to fix up a sandwich, cut up a piece of fruit, and pour a glass of scotch. He sang excitedly under his breath a song he had heard while in the car.

Once all the food was ready he arranged the two plates and glass nicely on the tray, folding a napkin elegantly. He wasn’t certain if he wanted to put the present on there too. He worried that Tony would think he was being pushy, demanding an answer before Tony had even taken a bite. Loki settled on tucking the mystery bundle under his arm.

The elevator ride was excruciating. He was both excited and anxious. It felt like it had been forever since he last saw Tony even though it had only been a little over two days.

He hoped that he did alright with the kids and that he’d get his present.

More than that he hoped Tony would be tempted by his outfit. That Tony would bend him over-

But no, he had to wait.

Tony made it clear that he wasn’t going to touch him.

Loki had to wait for the engineer to change his mind, to remember that Loki was only good for fucking and cooking.

The security door to the lab was already open and a drum solo was playing. Tony had a wrench and pliers in his hands, air-drumming to the beat perfectly. Loki watched on with a small smile.

Eventually the engineer swiveled in his seat, gesturing for Jarvis to turn down the music.

“Look at you, pretending to be a responsible adult.” Tony swept his eyes over Loki’s semi-formal clothing.

“Dress to impress.” Loki said, repeating what he heard Tony say months ago. Loki was thrilled to see lust in Tony’s brown eyes, even though he could tell Tony wouldn’t act o it.

“How do you think your first day of work went?” The subtlety of Tony’s wording was not lost on Loki.

“I think it went well. No one got hurt and I think some of the children like me.” Loki tried to sound confident, but he didn’t think it showed through. Tony nodded in thought, leaning back in his chair.

“Come here.” Tony gestured to one of the chairs and Loki immediately complied, pulling up the chair next to Tony’s and setting the tray of food on a table. A large screen appeared in front of them. “I was watching the whole time and had a few people stationed nearby in case you lost your wits.” Tony’s admission startled the god.

“That’s… thank you.”

“Not really the reaction I was expecting, but I can dig it.”

“Really Tony, thank you.” Loki’s eyes were starting to water. “Before I got there I was afraid I was going to lose control.” Loki glanced at the ground feeling so much love that he thought he might faint. “I’m just glad that even though I was away from the tower you were still looking out for me.”

“Loki, you’re just so,” Tony waved vaguely. “Anyway, there are just a few things we need to discuss.” The image on screen was a bird’s eye view of the gymnasium Loki had taught the classes in. “These two kids,” a red circle appeared around a pair of teenage girls, “are planning on pants you next class, if my lip reading technology is accurate, which it is.” The image on screen changed to a group of parents. “This lady wants into your pants.” A red circle appeared around an average looking woman in her early 30s. “Rebuke her advances.”

“Of course.” It would do neither of them any good if a human got too close and realized Loki’s true nature.

“You did a good job, extra points for waiting with the kids when their parents were late.” The screen went blank and Tony nodded to the gift. Loki hadn’t even realized his hands were idly playing with the green ribbon. He quickly pulled away from it, leaving the black gift sitting in his lap.

“Can I?”

“You’ve earned it.” Tony said and Loki quickly undid the ribbon and began carefully unwrapping the glossy black paper. “After the ‘incident’ I thought it would be prudent to get you something more up to the task.” Loki could scarcely hear him, too excited to see what Tony got him. “I of course had to make a few improvements on it, especially since I know your body intimately.”

Loki pulled out a strange device that was pitch black. He touched the cone shaped piece. It was almost rubbery and blunt on the end.

“I don’t understand. What is it?”

“Do they not have sex toys in Never-Never Land?” Tony asked, chuckling as Loki’s eyes lit up at the mention of sex. Tony took the item from him. “It’s a mechanical dick, sort of. You take this part and lube it up. Once you’re prepped go to town with it.” Tony clicked a button and the curved cone began vibrating. “I adjusted it so it hits your prostate perfectly. There are various settings and it’s waterproof. It’s rechargeable and the design will allow you to properly grip it.” Tony turned it back off and handed it to Loki. “Of course you’re only to use it in the privacy of your own room or bathroom.” Loki visibly deflated, remembering that Tony no longer wanted to touch him. “Bambi.” Tony’s voice was soft, almost caring.

“Yes?” He asked, not having realized he’d looked away from the engineer until Tony captured his chin and forced him to look at him.

“You did a really good job today. I’m proud of you.” Loki’s eyes went wide and Tony pulled away from him. “Geez, don’t freak out on me. Your probation is over. Go play with your new toy or something.”

“Can I stay down here with you?” Loki asked while deftly re-wrapping his gift, shoving the ribbon into his pocket as a keepsake. Tony paused and gave him an unreadable look.

“I did say your punishment was complete. Do you still remember the rules of the lab?” Tony’s voice was almost teasing. Loki surprised himself by scoffing.

“Of course. Don’t touch anything and don’t get in your way.” Tony grinned in response and Loki felt proud of himself.

“Good, then you can stay.”


	19. Chapter 19

Loki’s new toy was wonderful. It had him squirming and coming. He knew that if he was normal that it would be enough, but Loki was far from normal and he’d known that for a very long time.

He needed wicked words whispered into his ear.

He needed to be pushed down.

He needed to cry.

Without that his orgasms would not be mind shattering, helping sweep away the tar that blackened his soul, if only for a moment.

Loki craved hands around his throat.

He craved feeling Tony’s stubble rasp against his skin.

He craved Tony’s unyielding touch.

The toy did not fill the hollowness inside of him the way Tony did.

But how could he tell the engineer that? Loki would sound ungrateful. No matter how he worded it, it would just come out as _Thanks, but it’s not good enough._

Loki had already lost his main purpose as Tony’s house whore. He was dangerously close to being alone again.

The only positive outcome from Loki’s forced exile from Tony’s cock was that it gave him more time to cook, work at the center, and knit. It was a new habit. He had watched an episode on TV about it on replay, mimicking the hand movements. The following morning Jarvis told him that he had another gift so long as he did well the coming day.

He had been excited all day and his students seemed to pick up on it, being more energetic than usual. When he finally got back to the tower Tony was in his lab. Jarvis gave him permission to open the present. Loki practically broke down into a heap of giggling tears.

After thoroughly clearing his nose of snot and cleaning off his face and hands Loki opened the kit, quickly scanning the different patterns. The two bundles of emerald green knitting yarn had a note attached to it.

_Bambi,_

_Make a blanket for your bed. You deserve it._

_-Tony_

It was short and to the point, but left Loki completely confused. Loki didn’t even deserve the bed, sheet, or pillow he already had, let alone deserve the plush blanket he was already knitting in his head.

He set to work immediately, quickly picking up on the patterns due to years of crafting spells with his fingers. He was so engrossed that he almost forgot to make Tony dinner. He went with a simple spaghetti dish with cheddar biscuits and green beans on the side. He also brought down to the lab Tony’s usual glass of scotch that he had at every dinner.

“You can’t do that down here.” Tony said, pointing to the green blanket that was quickly forming in his lab. “It will either get stained or catch on fire.” Loki nodded, holding back the glum look in his eyes. “I also had Jarvis set up a small expense account for you. You can use the funds to buy more knitting related items, clothing, and shoes. Talk to Jarvis if you want to access it.” Tony waved him off and Loki gathered his things and made a mental note to collect the tray of food in an hour.

Loki bundled up in one of the living room’s soft blankets. He was the only one who ever used them. He continued knitting while watching TV and considering what he wanted to make next.

As always his thoughts strayed to how he could put everything back to how it was supposed to be.

He knew he should be grateful. He _is_ grateful, but… he’d been held once by Tony, embraced. Loki’s current existence was terrible in comparison. What he wanted was just out of his grasp, in sight, but too far away.

Tony didn’t want him anymore.

That thought made Loki’s finger’s still and his shoulders drop.

Why was he still here?

When would this all come to an end?

It didn’t make sense. None of this made sense.

Loki could feel the panic ebbing up on him.

The knitting needles fell from his hands, the threads loosening and coming undone. He covered his ears with both hands, trying to block out his own thoughts.

He was useless.

But he was still here, and that had to mean something. But what?

Tony could never love him.

What was there to love? Tony thought he was good looking and that his magic was interesting, but nothing beyond that... There was nothing more to Loki.

He silently cried for what felt like hours, consumed by confusion, despair, and desperation.

“Sir is heading to the penthouse.” Jarvis announced. Loki quickly stood up, grabbing his discarded half completed blanket and running to his room. He splashed his face with cool water and changed his snot stained shirt.

By the time he was finished he joined Tony in the kitchen. The engineer was depositing his dishes into the sink. Loki had forgotten to go back to the lab to collect the tray. Tony didn’t look annoyed and Loki wasn’t sure if he was relieved about that. Maybe if he kept pushing him Tony would snap and fuck him out of frustration. Or maybe he’d just kick him out.

“Bambi, I’m going to watch a movie. Join me.” Tony was scrolling through a tablet as he walked over to the couch. The engineer chuckled to himself while sitting down. He patted the spot beside him. Loki carefully sat down, keeping a respectable distance between them. “A little Rock of Ages for my Stacee Jaxx.” Tony mumbled before pulling Loki under his arm. The god was tense at first, but quickly relaxed as he felt Tony’s body heat.

The movie started playing and Tony hummed along to every song. Loki recognized many of them as the ones that usually blared in the lab. Tony’s hand was casually resting on Loki’s hip. Throughout the movie Loki was slowly squirming until his shirt rode up slightly so that they were skin to skin. Tony’s thumb was rubbing slow circle on the exposed skin. It was driving the god crazy in the best of ways.

Halfway through the movie Loki heard heels clicking heavily and Tony’s grip tightened, not allowing Loki to move away.

“How was work?” Tony asked as the movie paused. Ms. Potts leaned over the couch and gave Tony a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Flawless.” She said in a tired tone, her steps retreating to their bedroom. “The schematics were sent to R&D. I’m firing Ms. Halt. You were right. She was selling secrets.” Ms. Potts voice came from the speakers as she changed in their bedroom.

“What legal actions are we taking?”

“We’re going to destroy her legally, financially, professionally, and personally.” Loki could hear the shuffling of cloth.

“Perfect.”

“Thanks for going to yoga with Bruce and me.” Pepper said while walking back into the living room. Her hair was down and her clothing was relaxed yet fit her nicely.

“You know I can’t stand up against the both of you.” Tony sounded annoyed, but it was clear that he wasn’t.

“Your health is important to me, to all of us.” Pepper was in the kitchen, pulling together a meal. Loki silently nodded in agreement and Tony rolled his eyes while grinning. “Popcorn?”

“Sure. We’re watching Rock of Ages. I can restart it if you’d like.” Tony offered and Pepper snorted.

“We’ve watched that together at least five times. There’s no need to restart it.”

“We can watch something else if you like.” Tony glanced backwards as Pepper walked out of the kitchen. She had a sandwich and bowl of popcorn in her hands. Tucked under her arm was an unopened beer. She handed him the beer and Tony automatically opened it for her. Pepper moved around one of the pillows so that she could comfortably lean against the arm rest. Pepper laid down and she draped her legs over Tony’s lap, her bare feet resting in the god’s lap. Loki tensed, not knowing how to react.

“This is fine. I’ll be doing work anyway.” She snagged the tablet off the coffee table, resting the plate on her lap. “Loki, rub my feet.” She said while readjusting the plate so it wouldn’t fall.

“Pep.” Loki couldn’t interpret Tony’s tone. The two humans exchanged a look.

“What? If you’re not going to fuck him I might as well get some use out of him.” Pepper gestured at the god with her beer.

“We discussed this.”

“And we agreed to disagree. Loki.” Pepper wiggled her toes and Loki glanced at each of them in turn. Neither of them were looking at him. Tony sighed.

“You heard the lady.” Tony grabbed the bowl of popcorn and began eating as the movie started again. Loki rubbed his hands together, trying to give them a little bit of warmth.

He’d given Tony foot rubs before, but never to someone with such dainty feet. He was almost afraid he’d hurt her. He was surprised by how worn they were. Heels, she was always wearing them. Such fragile creatures shouldn’t wear contraptions that caused calluses and pain. He kneaded at the arches of her feet, pulling a sigh from her.

Loki could sense something was wrong, but he wasn’t sure what it was. Tony’s posture was slightly off and he was no longer humming to the music. Pepper set aside the tablet and crumb laden plate. Her arm was dangling off the side of the couch, her fingers loosely gripping the neck of her half empty beer. She looked completely relaxed compared to her usual proper demeanor. She kept letting out faint sighs that Loki only noticed because every time she did Tony would tense.

“You minx.” Tony gripped Loki harder before turning away from him, pulling at Pepper’s legs. She dropped her bottle of beer, spilling its contents as she giggled. “Get the fuck out of here Loki.” Tony was already halfway through pulling Pepper’s shirt off. Loki sat stunned, not immediately understanding the sudden change. “Now Loki!” Tony shouted with more frustration than he’d ever used with the god before.

The god scrambled off the couch, almost slipping on the spilled beer. He felt like he was about to be sick.

“Put your back into it.” Pepper said while pulling Tony closer, just as Loki turned the corner.

The god slammed the door to his room closed, shattering the frame before stumbling into the bathroom. He clutched the seat of the toilet bowl, dry heaving.

He was overacting. He knew that, but it didn’t stop the terrible feeling that was gnawing at him. Despite his best efforts he could hear Tony and Ms. Potts fucking- no more accurately making love, face to face.

The only time Tony and him every fucked face to face it was because Loki had bargained for it as a reward.

Now Tony wouldn’t even truly touch him. He even had a job now. It was like he was slowly being pushed out of both Tony’s life and tower. He was going to be all alone again.

Loki finally vomited as he heard the strawberry blond shout out Tony’s name in ecstasy. Loki turned on the shower, trying to drown out their voices and moans.

He just wanted Tony to return his love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be posting a lil' one-shot for this series on Xmas :)


	20. Chapter 20

“Wonderfully done.” Loki mumbled to the small girl who had just tossed a boy twice her size to the ground. Loki’s eyes were trained on the boxy television caged to the wall of the youth center.

“May I go next?” One of the boys asked.

“Proceed.” Loki gestured towards the padded mat.

“What does proceed mean?” A different child asked. Loki didn’t answer, catching his breath as Iron Man dodged the oncoming blast of yet another foe.

“Sarah, Emily, if you two pull out your cell phones once more I’ll confiscate them.” Loki said absentmindedly. The two girls in question squeaked in unison, one putting her phone back in her bag while the other shoved it in her pocket.

“Mr. Dillman can I go to the bathroom?” One of the boys asked.

“Yes, Xavier. You better wash your hands when you come back. I will know if you haven’t.” Loki glanced at the young boy, giving him a warning look. He nodded before running off.

Loki wanted nothing more than to abandon these whelps and aid Tony or at the very least be close enough to be certain no harm came to him. Loki had all his tricks. He could be of use. He knew he could. If only he wasn’t so despicable and filthy. If only he wasn’t himself.

Tony swooped down, catching Hawkeye in his freefall off a skyscraper. Loki bit his lip, holding back a gasp. Why did the engineer always have to put himself in such danger? But this was just one of the many reasons he loved him.

It was also one of the countless ways they differed. Loki never fought for another or risked his life. The only time Loki ever really put himself in harm’s way was when he’d tried to kill himself. He couldn’t even do that right.

One of the children started crying after landing on her face.

“Be quite. You’re hardly bleeding.” Loki said before quickly changing his tone. “I mean go get the first aid kit and I’ll patch you up dear.”

The villain of the week threw all sorts of bombs at the Avengers. Hulk swatted one down, causing a fire hydrant to explode. Black Widow hopped onto the back of the metal villain. The battle continued and Loki only grew tenser.

By the time the parents arrived to collect their children the battle was still being fought. Loki would have found it comical, how relaxed all the parents were despite a battle taking place just outside of the city, if not for the fact that his heart was clenched painfully.

As always after Loki’s cleaning duties the driver was waiting for him, reading his newspaper. Loki worried away at the hem of his shirt as he was driven back to the tower. In a bold move he turned on the radio and listened to the newscaster talk about the fight. The driver didn’t comment.

Loki hesitated leaving the car when they arrived at the tower. The fighting was at its peak. What if something happened when Loki was in the elevator or when-

“Vacate the vehicle.” Jarvis’ voice sounded from the cell phone in Loki’s bag. The god fumbled to pull it from the simple bag as he got out of the car.

“Please, I need to know how Tony’s doing.” Loki begged, trying not to break the small phone. Jarvis didn’t respond immediately and Loki felt like he was dying.

“I have been granted permission to give you a ‘play-by-play’ as Sir put it.” Jarvis began narrating the fight as the elevator slowly ascended. The second he was on the penthouse floor Loki ran into the living room and switched on the TV. He muted it on a news network and continued to listening to Jarvis. Unconsciously he curled into a ball, resting his chin on his knees. The thrusters on the suit stuttered and Loki caught his breath. It took another hour before SHIELD finally apprehended the villain. “Sir is heading to a debriefing. No new information shall be relayed from this point on.”

Loki nodded before slowly uncurling himself and turning the TV off. He walked absentmindedly to his room and was briefly startled by his fake face. He shifted back to his Aesir form and saw that his clothing was dirty from being around sticky children. He tossed his cell phone onto the bed before stripping and throwing his clothes into the hamper. He decided to relieve some of his stress in the shower.

Loki thoroughly inspected his toy beforehand, as he always did. It was important to him that he kept all of the things Tony gave him in prime condition. He also knew that this might be the only real physical contact he’d have for a very long time.

Loki started imagining Tony sitting on his bed watching as the god made sure every setting of the vibrator worked, that the strange material it was made of was still smooth, and that the port to its charger was firmly closed.

Loki was already hard just thinking about his heated stare.

He would follow Loki into the bathroom, turning on the water a bit too hot for Loki’s liking. The god wouldn’t try to change it though. Tony would shove him into the shower, causing Loki to stumble on the rim of the shower. He’d slam the glass door shut causing the whole shower to rattle.

_Nothing you do will ever get rid of your filth._ Tony grabbed him by his hair, forcing him to face the hot spray directly, his hand quickly finding Loki’s entrance and working it open. _Listen to you, whimpering so pathetically. You slut. I’m going to fuck you like the animal you are._

Tony would thrust into him, showing no mercy. Loki could feel his throbbing length driving into him harder and harder.

“Please.” Loki begged, almost feeling Tony reach up and grabbing his throat, cutting off his breathing. Norns, he needed this so much. He needed Tony. Each thrust was sending shockwaves of pleasure through his disgusting body. “Please!”

_Shut up you piece of shit._ Loki started to tense. _This is the last time, Dasher. I won’t even allow you to get dressed. I’ll toss you off the balcony just like the trash you are._ With that, Loki came embarrassingly quickly.

* * *

Loki let out a slow breath before he eased the toy out of himself.

Loki washed it off before setting it aside and turning the temperature of the shower down slightly. He poured a generous amount of shampoo into his hands, lathering his hair.

Despite the orgasm being a relief it still wasn’t enough. Even his imaginary Tony was starting to fade in his mind. It had only been two months since Tony was inside of him and now he couldn’t imagine the way Tony’s stubble felt as it brushed against him when he whispered dirty things into Loki’s ear. He couldn’t remember how his callused hands felt on his hips.

Loki began crying all over again at the thought of how far he’d fallen out of the engineer’s good graces.

With heavy limbs and an even heavier heart Loki got out of the shower, patting himself dry. He left his hair to curl naturally before flopping down on his bed naked. He’d finished his green bedspread weeks ago, but it didn’t feel particularly soft on his bare skin right now.

He gracefully rolled off his bed before going to the closet to change into some of his lounge ware.

He’d usually stick to the too tight jeans Tony liked seeing him in, but he felt far too exhausted to put in such effort. Loki went to the kitchen and sat on one of the barstools, lazily conducting his magic to start dinner. Steak tonight. Medium rare for Tony, well done for Ms. Potts, rare for himself. He uncorked a bottle of red wine that Ms. Potts favored, letting it ‘breathe’ as Tony once instructed him to do.

Before he could even finish marinating the steaks he heard Tony land and the gantries start pulling off his armor. Loki turned to watch him. The engineer was more ruffled than usual and his eyes were blazing, causing Loki to catch his breath.

Tony paused mid-step when their eyes met.

“Jarvis, turn off all kitchen appliances.” Tony ordered and Loki heard the clicking of the stove turning off. The god began squirming under the intense stare of the engineer. Tony stalked over to him and grabbed Loki by the collar of his shirt, pulling him off the stool. The god stumbled forward, almost falling to the ground as Tony released him. He grabbed Loki’s long hair, keeping the god bowed down. Loki stumbled forward as he was pulled out of the kitchen. “Don’t say a word.” Loki moaned as he was shoved face first against the ceiling high window. “Open your mouth.” Loki did as ordered and two fingers were shoved in his mouth. He lapped at them greedily, doing his best to get a reaction from Tony. Loki felt his lounge pants being ripped away with a force that was almost too great for the engineer. Tony’s fingers left Loki’s mouth, but quickly found their way between Loki’s cheeks. “Already loose. I see you’ve been putting my toy to good use, you fucking whore.”

Tony curled his fingers slightly and Loki made a keening noise. He was still slightly sensitive from his time in the shower. Tony let out a chuckle that was both pleased and dark. Tony pulled out his fingers and Loki had to force himself not to beg for more.

The god made a stuttered noise as Tony thrust into him with one quick movement. He gasped, having forgotten how good it felt to be filled.

Tony grabbed Loki by his hair and rammed his face into the window. He had to move his head to the side slightly to keep from either breaking his nose or cracking the window.

“You pathetic-” Tony slammed into him again, coiling his arm around Loki’s waist. “I fucking hate you so much.” Loki let out a choked sob as he felt something inside of him break. Whatever had been holding him together these past few months… “I should fuck you bloody.” Tony bit Loki’s shoulder and the god arched into his touch.

Tony’s pace was unforgiving. The god began crying as each thrust hit his prostate. He was pushed even harder into the glass of the window. It was almost painful, but the burning pleasure that was building in his lower gut kept him from feeling anything other than Tony’s touch and hot gasps. Tony’s blunt fingers dug into Loki’s hair, plastering Loki’s face to the glass. Saliva slipped between Loki thin lips. He was unable to close his mouth or suppress his moans.

Loki’s heart was beating so hard he was almost afraid it would break the window and they’d both go tumbling down. The air was forced from his lungs as his whole body was pushed forward by the movement of Tony’s hips.

Loki felt his insides start to flutter, so close to coming. Tony suddenly grabbed the base of Loki’s cock, squeezing just enough to stop any orgasm. Loki groaned in both pain and pleasure, fresh tears fogging his vision.

“Please-” He began begging, but was cut off as Tony shoved him to the ground, still inside of him and gripping his cock.

“Shut the fuck up.” Tony growled, knocking Loki’s arms out from under him, making him fall even lower with only Tony’s firm grip on his cock keeping him from being laid out flat. Loki’s legs were spread awkwardly. One knee still had his tattered pants on, making him slip on the marble floor. Sweat was dripping down his thigh as the pressure from his delayed orgasm strained his body and blackened soul. His hands fisted in front of him as his whole body was rocked back and forth with Tony’s thrusts.

His gasps were turning from groans to screams as it was all becoming too much. He felt like he was about to shatter and his throat was clenched as he writhed under Tony. He was sobbing and screaming, just wanting _this_ to be over yet last forever. He could taste blood in his mouth, feeling Tony’s grip on his cock tighten even more.

It was all too much and Loki whole body quivered with constrained pleasure.

Tony stilled suddenly coming as he bit into Loki’s shoulder. He released the god’s cock and Loki spurted thick lines of come all over the ground while screaming.


	21. Chapter 21

Loki fell onto the mess of his own release under the weight of his own orgasm and Tony who had collapsed on top of him. He could feel the engineer resting his head between Loki’s shoulder blades, having pulled out of Loki only seconds ago. His chest was heaving and Loki tried to keep pace with his breaths, imagining they were somehow closer.

The god couldn’t really think. His mind was white fuzz, but his body was a livewire. His legs were still thrown wide and his cock was trapped in a nearly painful position. Tony’s hand was on the back of Loki’s neck almost massaging it as his fingers flexed and relaxed repeatedly.

Tony eventually moved away from him and Loki tried to push down how much he hated his sudden absence. He heard clothes being pulled back on and a zipper, but Tony didn’t leave, instead leaning against the stained window.

Loki slowly turned onto his side, facing him. He used the left over shambles of his pants to clean off his face, ruined shirt, and ground. He’d use magic to put himself back together again, but he was too strung out to properly perform a spell.

“Get me a,” Tony took in a deep breath, “bottle of bourbon.” He ordered and Loki nodded shakily. Carefully he pushed himself up to his hands and knees, knowing he wouldn’t be able to properly walk even with his best effort.

Cooling semen escaped his fluttering hole, lazily gliding down his inner thigh. Part of his ripped pants was still intact around his ankle, dragging behind him as he crawled towards the bar. He pulled himself up with one of the barstools and felt even more semen trickled down his leg. He grabbed a bottle and a handful of cocktail napkins.

He fell back to his knees, sliding the bottle easily across the marble ground and to Tony. The engineer caught it and took a long swig. He vaguely gestured for the god to come back over. Loki cleaned up his mess as he crawled to him. Tony patted the spot beside him.

Tony sighed before setting aside the bottle. It clinked loudly.

Loki could see the drying sweat on Tony’s forehead and that his lip looked liked it had been split recently, as if someone had punched him. Tony’s head was leaning against the window, eyes trained on the ceiling, or perhaps one of Jarvis’ sensors.

“Tony…” Loki didn’t know what he was going to say. He just wanted to be acknowledged. Tony glanced sideways at him, sighing again.

“Lay down.” Tony’s sounded tired and tapped his thigh. Loki easily read his intentions, laying his head in Tony’s lap. Loki idly touched his jeans, right over Tony’s knee, not letting him feel his light touch. Tony grabbed his wrist, stopping him. Loki tensed, but was quickly released.

Tony began combing through Loki’s tussled hair, slowly working out knots.

“I thought you said…” Loki began, but didn’t want to finish his sentence, lest he broke whatever spell Tony was under.

“This was a mistake. This _is_ a mistake.” Tony said and Loki curled up slightly, pressing himself further against Tony’s thigh. “Everything about this is a mistake.” Tony mumbled and Loki cringed getting hard again.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Tony took another swig of the bourbon. He set aside the bottle and looked into Loki’s green eyes. “Lay on the ground, on your back.” Loki complied immediately, already excited. “Cross your arms above your head. Perfect.” The compliment made Loki want to squirm, but he kept still. Something about the way Tony was looking at him made Loki’s heart hammer harder than ever. “Don’t move.” Tony pulled Loki’s shirt up, revealing his torso while simultaneously covering his face. Loki automatically gripped the hem when it was in his reach, keeping the shirt in place.

Loki bit his lip to keep from panting pathetically. This wasn’t the first time he’s been deprived of his sight by Tony, but it had been so long.

Tony’s hands traced over Loki’s contours. He could barely feel his touch, but he could feel his warmth.

“Oh Lokes, if only you were a bit less insane.” A hand closed around his throat, loose yet firm. Loki’s breath hitched. “If only I was a better person.” There was something in Tony’s voice that almost scared Loki. He could sense the engineer hovering over him, just inches away, could feel his breath through the fabric of the shirt. Dim light filtered through the cloth and he could see Tony’s profile leaning in closer…

It was so light, probably didn’t even happen, but maybe- he thought that- but no. Tony would never kiss him, not even through the fabric of a shirt.

Tony pulled away from him, grabbing the bottle of bourbon. Loki could hear him stand. He wanted to see the expression on his face, but knew if he moved he’d be punished. Tony’s footfalls as he walked away made Loki feel cold inside.

“Go get cleaned up then make dinner. Pepper won’t be home till tomorrow night.” Tony ordered, his voice growing distant. Loki didn’t move at first, not wanting the moment to end. He had to though.

Loki rolled his shirt back down, biting his lip to keep from crying.

Tony was right. If only Loki wasn’t so insane maybe then… but there was always Ms. Potts and she was perfection.

He was calm enough to use his magic again and his legs were under his control once more. He slowly stood, using his magic to sweep clean the area. Green wisped around the room, removing the smudges on the window and drying come from the ground. His ripped pants disappeared along with the used cocktail napkins. He teleported back to his bathroom rather than walking, not wanting to expend anymore of his waning physical energy.

Loki stared at himself in the mirror briefly. His skin was still flushed and a bruise was fading from the side of his face. He showered quickly and changed into the tight jeans that Tony usually favored him in, as well as a soft long sleeved shirt.

At least by the time he reached the kitchen again the steaks were well marinated.

* * *

**Notes: For anyone who didn't notice as of yet I posted[Just Another Drink](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3108446) which is part of this series. I also posted [What Are Friends For?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3070343) which is set about a year earlier in this story, but not listed in this 'verse 'cause it can be a stand alone fic.  
**


	22. Chapter 22

Tony was avoiding him again. Loki was certain of that. He did see him around the penthouse and in the lab, but there was a markedly difference about it. It was like Tony was consciously not looking at him.

Loki couldn’t read Ms. Potts either.

He felt like everything had changed again, and just like the last time it wasn’t for the better.

“Maybe we should just give him his own floor.” Ms. Potts said to Tony. Loki could only barely hear them in their bedroom as he went to do laundry.

“He’s not ready for that yet.”

“This pet project of yours is starting to get annoying. Either fuck him or get rid of him.”

“Are you seriously getting defensive about this?” Tony asked, poorly concealing a chuckle. There was a distinct thumping noise that Loki accredited to a pillow hitting Tony. “Hey! I don’t complain about your masseuse.”

“He doesn’t live in our home.” Ms. Potts almost sounded like she was scolding him.

“He can if you like- Oh, or even better he can be your new PA and follow you around like a dog on a leash, lapping at his master.” Tony said salaciously and Ms. Potts let out a strange noise. There was a long pause. “Loki, stop eavesdropping. It’s a good way to anger both Pepper and me.” The god scurried away.

* * *

Tony’s and Ms. Potts’ conversation ran on repeat in Loki’s mind.

He was used to the constant fear of being abandoned, but the confusion was new.

If Ms. Potts had Tony why would she need anyone else? How could she be so ungrateful to him? Loki had read her public history on the internet. Tony had plucked her out of the countless secretaries in Stark Industries, groomed her to take over the job he despised, and let her share his bed. She even had his love yet sought out another.

If Loki had Tony’s love-

But no, that would never happen.

Even if Tony had possibly kissed him, but that was most likely another one of Loki’s idle fantasies. Tony’s lips had never been kind to him before either with his words or touch. He bit him more often than not.

At least after their last tumble Loki had fresh memories to masturbate to. The shower tiles felt similar enough to the marble floor for Loki to image he was being shoved to the ground.

Besides that it seemed like villains were attacking more often and with greater intensity. It set Loki on edge.

He didn’t want Tony to get hurt. He could also see that the engineer was aging. It was slow, yet felt deadly quick to Loki. It had almost been two years since he joined their household, yet grey hairs were appearing on the fringes of Tony’s hair. The engineer was still fit, but his science binges were slightly shorter and his wounds were slower to heal.

Loki quietly walked to the living room, knowing that Tony had collapsed on the couch the night before after being awake for countless hours. He had slurped down the soup Loki gave him then promptly fell asleep.

He looked at him, gauging his breathing pattern. He could tell the engineer would wake within the hour. Loki turned the TV on mute and began knitting, pretending to watch the TV despite his eyes firmly being planted on Tony.

The engineer groaned once before cracking his eyes open. Jarvis began reading off different reports and information that Tony occasionally grunted in response to.

“Bambi, please don’t tell me you were watching me sleep.”

“Fine, I won’t tell you.” Loki said while grinning, his knitting rhythm never stuttering. Tony’s chuckle turned into a yawn.

“You only try to be cute when you want something. What is it?” Tony pulled himself up into a seated position, resting his elbows on his knees and scrubbing his face with his hands.

“You’re mortal.” Loki stated.

“No, shit Sherlock.” Loki didn’t understand the Sherlock reference, but he’d heard Tony use it on other people while taking a business call, so he assumed it was a common saying.

“I don’t want you to die.” Loki squeaked out.

“How kind of you.” Tony rolled his eyes, leaning back on the couch heavily.

“There are golden apples in Asgard. They can prolong your and Ms. Potts’ lives if you wish for me to get them.” A startled look briefly flashed across Tony’s features before disappearing.

“Come here, Lokes.” The god immediately complied and fell onto Tony’s lap when he was tugged there. “Tell me what you are feeling right now.” Loki quickly looked away from Tony’s eyes. He felt like his soul was being devoured.

“I feel nervous, anxious, scared, lustful, desperate, and…” Loki trailed off, not able to name the emotion that eclipsed all others.

“And?” Tony asked, his grip on Loki’s thighs firm.

“And in love.” Loki finally finished his sentence, feeling his face heat up with his declaration. From the corner of his eye he saw Tony shaking his head. Loki’s heart dropped, but it could be worse. He had to keep that in mind.

“Do you trust me?”

“More than anyone, especially myself.” He still couldn’t look at him, feeling embarrassed.

“Do you think I’m a genius?”

“I know you are a genius.” Loki met his eyes, not able to hold back a smile. Tony smiled in return, but it had a dark edge to it.

“Then why do you think I need your help to be immortal?” The hands on Loki’s thighs grew hot, causing the god to almost hiss at the sudden change of temperature. He looked down at them and almost fell backwards when he saw that Tony’s hands were glowing orange.

Tony’s hands trailed up Loki’s sides, making the god squirm in both lust and discomfort.

“I- I don’t understand.” Loki sputtered, grabbing Tony’s shoulders so that he wouldn’t fall off of him.

“Science, Dasher, I can master it all if I choose to, even the softer sciences like bio-engineering. I could be immortal if I wanted to be, but Pep wants us to age naturally, to grow old together. She wants us to be a normal couple, well as normal a couple as a super hero and CEO can be.” Tony reached up, grasping Loki’s chin with his dimming hand. “I love her and want her to be happy. She is my top priority. Dangling a golden apple in front of me won’t change that.”

“I wasn’t trying to…”

“I know.” Tony let go of him. “Now get off of me. I reinstated my No Sex Policy, in case you didn’t notice.” Loki let out a little disgruntled noise, but did as he was told.

“I still don’t understand why-”

“And you don’t need to understand.” Tony snapped at him, causing Loki to flinch. “Lokes, look at me.” He said in a much quieter voice. “You’re good for more than just fucking and cleaning.”

“You’re not making any sense.” Loki wanted to turn away from him, to go hide in his room for some reason, but knew it would just annoy Tony.

“It might not happen in my lifetime, but you’ll eventually know I’m telling the truth.”


	23. Chapter 23

Loki rifled through the chest at the foot of his bed. There were countless bundles of yarn all of varying color and width. He enjoyed how they felt under his fingers, the smell that wafted off of them when he squeezed a bundle, the varying shades of green and charcoal grey, his favorite colors. He couldn’t decide what he wanted to knit next. He’d already made countless blankets and pillows, a couple sweaters for himself and one even for Tony, though he had been too nervous to actually give it to him yet.

He had knitted all sorts of little dolls and animals for the children at the center. He wanted to create something bigger and better, but nothing came to mind. His bed was already covered in plush blankets and pillows. The windows were covered with knitted curtains and there were three finished scarves in his closet. One of the scarves even had fun little star shaped tassels that he’d designed himself.

“Sir orders for you to clean any traces of your presence in the living room and kitchen. His teammates are visiting for drinks in ten minutes.” Loki scurried out of his room, folding all the blankets he had nestled under earlier. He snagged the half-finished scarf from one of the chairs, teleporting it to his room. He used a quick spell to clean the three plates and glasses in the sink. He looked around carefully, but didn’t see anything that was too out of place.

Loki pulled a sandwich out of the fridge and retreated to his room. He locked the door and grabbed a few of his blankets so he could lay comfortably by the door, listening in on Tony’s conversation.

Not too long after he heard them.

“Brucie, you know I’d _never_ do that.” Tony said and Loki performed an easy eavesdropping spell to clearly hear them.

“He’s done it five times already.” Bruce said.

“Lies! Slander! You’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” Tony pretended to be outraged and there was the distinct noise of bottles and glasses being moved around the bar.

“You have Fury in a tizzy again.” Natasha’s tone just barely hinted at humor. “Clint and I have been doing major damage control.”

“Speaking of which, Jarvis call Legolas. Victory shots aren’t as fun without him here to throw them back like a college freshman.”

Dull music started playing.

_I wanna take you to a gay bar, gay bar, gay bar._

The elevator pinged open and the music became clearer.  
  
 _Let's start a war, start a nuclear war,_  
 _At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar._  
 _Wow! (Shout out loud)_  
 _At the gay bar._  
  
 _Now tell me do ya, a do ya have any money?_  
 _I wanna spend all your money,_  
 _At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar._

“Is that seriously the ringtone you have set for me?” Tony asked and Loki could almost see the smile on his face.

“You're a superstar, at the gay bar!” Clint sang and there was more clinking as shot glasses were lined up. “I bet you are a superstar at the gay bar.” Clint joked.

“I’m a superstar wherever I go.” Tony said, earning a snort from Bruce.

“Do you even have ringtones? Whenever I try to call Jarvis just answers.” Natasha asked.

_Brass Monkey - that funky Monkey_  
Brass Monkey junkie  
That funky Monkey  
  
 _Got this dance that's more than real_  
 _Drink Brass Monkey here's how you feel_  
 _Put your left leg down your right leg up_  
 _Tilt your head back let's finish the cup_

“I guess that answers that question.” Natasha said and there was a male grunt of pain.

“Hey!” Clint complained. “Tony, I approve.”

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you Birdbrain.” Tony’s voice was steeped in sarcasm. “Alright, I lined up a shot for each of us.”

“We’re not college kids.” Bruce said, but Loki could hear the small glasses being passed around.

“You’re right. We’re super heroes and we’re going to party like super heroes.” Loki smiled at Tony while nibbling on his sandwich. “To kicking ass and taking down villains!” Shot glasses were clinked together, gulps, and then a rough cough. “You’re such a pushover, Clint.”

“Shut up and hand me your phone.” The archer said, his voice still rough from coughing. Natasha was laughing in a strangely open manner.

“There’s highly classified Stark Industries stuff on this phone. Why would I hand it over to a spy?” Tony asked over the noise of ice being placed in glasses. “Bruce can you get the blender?”

“I wanna hear the other ringtones you have set for the team.” Clint complained.

“Then why don’t you just ask them to call me?” Tony’s voice was dry and Loki could picture his condescending expression.

“Tasha.” Clint pleaded with the assassin. She let out a huff, but there were a few beeping noises before music started playing.

_Babble babble bitch bitch_   
_Rebel rebel party party_   
_Sex sex sex and don't forget the "violence"_   
_Blah blah blah got your lovey-dovey sad-and-lonely_   
_Stick your STUPID SLOGAN in:_   
_Everybody sing along,_   
_Are you motherfuckers ready_   
_For the new shit?_   
_Stand up and admit,_   
_tomorrow's never coming._

“I thought Mrs. Roger Rabbit deserved a nice violent song.”

“Tony, what have I told you about calling me that?” The threat was clear in her voice, making Loki tense up. What if she hurt him- What if-

“Sorry, sorry, I know you’d never marry a shmuck like Roger Rabbit.”

“That really isn’t the point, Tony.” Bruce commented. Before anyone else could say anything the blender went off. “Are Steve and Bucky going to join us?” He asked after the blender stopped.

“Bucky is off doing Bucky-stuff and I think Steve sounded tired when I called him.” Tony answered.

There was a long sigh that silenced the whole room.

“Whoops.” Clint said.

“I’ve traveled to some of the most thief infested parts of the world. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice you trying to pick my pocket?” Bruce said and there was a pause and Loki figured they were exchanging a look. “If you wanted to see my phone you only had to ask.”

“Awesome. I’ll remember that next time. Oh, and your watch looks great on me.” There was a ruckus and Loki could hear a slight scuffling. “Ow, geez alcohol makes you all violent.” There was another beep.

_And I just can't keep living this way_   
_So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage_   
_I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons_   
_I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground_   
_I've had enough, now I'm so fed up_   
_Time to put my life back together right now!_

“You two would make a great couple.” Natasha commented softly before taking a sip of her drink. Loki’s heart clenched and he forgot to breathe.

“As much as I love seeing Brucie blush we’re only science bros, not science boyfriends.” Tony chuckled and Loki heard the engineer patting someone on the back, most likely Bruce. Loki let out a sigh of relief, making sure to muffle himself with a blanket. “Besides, I have Pepper.”

“Like that ever stopped you before.” Clint commented while opening another beer. “What’s the passcode to your phone by the way?”

“Damn it, Clint.” There was more shuffling noise and Loki was sure the archer was jumping from seat to seat in the living room.

“I’ve already tried 1-1-1-1. Is it a really nerdy reference? I bet it’s-”

“Jarvis, transfer all the dirty photos and videos on my phone to my private server then unlock my phone.” Tony said, cutting off Clint’s childlike babbling.

“Transfer complete, Sir. Would you also like me to change the background?”

“Naw, they’ve all seen Pep in her swimsuit.”

“Nice.”

“That wasn’t permission for you to gawk at her.” There was a thudding noise.

“Fuck, Tasha! I’m sorry.”

“Damn right.” There was a pause. “Tony, top me off would you?”

“Of course, scary lady.”

_Be intimidated_   
_By what we have created_   
_Kiss underneath the radaaaaaaaaar_   
_(Ba-ba-ba-ba-bap)_   
_I got myself a fuckin' life_   
_Dressed up in evening wear_

“Did Pepper choose this song for you? I mean she chooses your outfits for you every day.” Clint teased before chuckling loudly. “I didn’t even know Thor had a cell phone.”

_Flash - a-ah - saviour of the universe_   
_Flash - a-ah - he'll save everyone of us_   
_Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha_   
_Flash - a-ah - he's a miracle_   
_Flash - a-ah - king of the impossible_

“Well he is king of the impossible.” Tony mumbled sarcastically.

“Prince of the impossible.” Bruce corrected.

“Whatever.”

“Tony, you naughty boy. Who is the H.W.?” Clint asked and a slow beat started playing.

“A fling you actually kept the number to _and_ even assigned her a ringtone. What is her tongue forked and she can blow you for hours?” Natasha asked just as the first lyrics started playing.

_You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you_

Loki knew that Tony slept with people other than him and Ms. Potts, but it hurt to know that there were others that warranted more than one night of attention. At this point Loki was used to the random one night stands he had to kick out. The stream of flings had increased since Tony stopped fucking him. If one of them caught his attention…

_You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you_

Ms. Potts was against him and now he was being replaced…

“I bet she’s a contortionist.” Clint said.

“Once you’ve had one contortionist you’ve had them all.” Tony said dully. “They’re too boney.”

_Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell_

“Is she one of your baby mammas? Oh! Or is she S&M dominatrix?” Clint continued guessing.

“Why are you so sure it’s a female?” Bruce asked slyly.

_Help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself_

“Now I have to call-”

“Call has been terminated.” Jarvis announced.

“Luckily I memorized the-”

“Call has been terminated.”

“Tony, tell your AI to keep his digital fingers off my cell phone.” Clint whined.

“J, change H.W.’s number and lock my phone.”

“Done, Sir.”

“I know it must be uncomfortably for a spy like you not to know every little detail, but there are a few things I like to keep private. Alright?” Clint groaned in response. “Good.”

_I want to fuck you like an animal_

The song cut off and Loki gathered up his blanket and headed to bed, having heard enough already. He tossed and turned for a few minutes, trying to figure out who H.W. could be. Finally he decided to put himself out of his misery and cast a sleeping spell on himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song list: Clint's ringtone for Tony- Gay bar by Electric Six, Tony's ringtone for Clint- Brass Monkey by Beastie Boys, Tony's ringtone for Tasha- This is the New Shit by Marilyn Manson, Tony's ringtone for Bruce- Not Afraid by Eminem, Tony's ringtone for Pepper- Evening Wear by Mindless Self Indulgence, Tony's ringtone for Thor- Flash Gordon theme song by Queen, Tony's ringtone for H.W.- Closer by Nine Inch Nails.


	24. Chapter 24

Loki woke up and was surprised to find a warm body pressed up against his back. He froze until he recognized Tony’s scent. Loki wiggled closer, cursing himself for not sleeping naked.

“Why do you always feel so cold?” Tony asked, his voice raspy. His forehead was resting between Loki’s shoulder blades. The god hesitated to answer at first.

“I am no true son of Odin.”

“Thor mentioned you were adopted,” Tony mumbled. Loki snorted. “That doesn’t really answer my question.”

“I wasn’t born to any Aesir family royal or otherwise. I am no Aesir. I am a Jotun.”

“Speak English.”

“Jotuns are frost giants, despicable monsters.”

“You look like an exceptionally good looking human to me,” Tony said through a yawn and Loki could feel his lips brush against his back. He blushed, but still had a horrible feeling in his gut.

“I am a shape shifter, remember?” Tony lazily slung his arm over Loki’s torso, fingers splayed over Loki’s chest.

“Your heart is racing like a rabbit. Maybe I should call you Thumper instead of Bambi.” Loki didn’t understand the reference, but enjoyed the extra contact. “What is your actual form then?”

“Cold, blue-grey skin. Random raised lines all over,” Loki admitted, his voice just a whisper.

“Let me see.”

“If I change I’ll just freeze you and start melting.” Frost giants were hardy when in their natural habitat, but heat was their natural enemy.

“There’s a deep freezer in Bruce’s lab. Will that be enough to keep you from melting?”

“Possibly.”

“We’ll try later today, once I’ve had my coffee,” Tony said. Loki silently sighed and began wiggling his way out of Tony’s hold. “Hold on Reindeer Games. Where you going?” Tony tightened his hold on the god.

“I… thought you wanted coffee.”

“Yeah, but not right now. Staying in bed always trumps coffee.” Tony pulled Loki backwards so that they were properly spooning, Tony’s breath fanning against Loki’s neck. Loki could feel that Tony was half hard.

“But I thought…”

“There’s a No Sex Policy, but there isn’t a No Cuddle Policy. Pepper is in England and your cold skin feels heavenly on my hangover.” Loki started relaxing, now that he knew what was expected of him. He had no problem playing the Jotun icepack. “Thor got back from Asgard yesterday.” And just like that Loki was tense all over again. “Don’t worry. He’s visiting his slam piece in New Mexico. So long as there’s no villain outbreaks that the main crew of the Avengers can’t handle he’ll probably head back to Asgard soon enough.”

“What’s a slam piece?” Loki asked, wrinkling his brow. Tony pulled back from him and he immediately felt the loss of contact.

“Turn around.” Loki shifted to his other side, moving slightly lower so that they were eye to eye.

“I never used that term with you?” Loki shook his head, enjoying that he could see creases on Tony’s face from the knitted pillow he’d used. “It has a few meanings. You could have been considered my slam piece before we stopped having sex. It pretty much means someone who you fuck, but would never have a real relationship with.” Loki couldn’t hold back his cringe. Tony brushed back a lock of Loki’s dark hair, easing the god slightly. “I assume the All-Daddy isn’t going allow the bloodline to be fuck up with a human as the mother of the next king.”

“Thor is betrothed to the Lady Sif. Odin does not care where he dallies, so long as he does not spawn any half-breeds.” Loki was surprised by how devoid of emotions his words were. Two years ago he would have hissed out the words, anger burning him from the inside out. Tony laughed, pulling Loki from his thoughts.

“I met Jane, Thor’s slam piece, a few months ago. It was like they were talking two different languages. She’d start talking science and he’d have this bemused look on his face, but whenever he spoke her eyes would go wide with adoration, regardless of what he was saying.” Tony laughed again and leaned up to kiss Loki on his forehead, once again startling the god. “I think they’re both just enjoying foreign delicacies. He stuck his dick into the first human female he met. That’s got to say something.”

“Thor has never been known for being wise with his bedfellows. He’s fallen into Amora’s arms more times than I can count.”

“I thought the maxim of ‘Don’t stick your dick in crazy’ was universal.” Tony hummed. “But who am I to talk? I’ve almost made a career of sticking my dick places it shouldn’t go, as you’re well aware of.” Loki ducked his head slightly, trying to hide his conflicted expression. Tony tilted his chin back up. “It may be hard to believe but you’re not the craziest person I’ve fucked, but perhaps the most interesting, if only in a novelty sort of way.” Loki squirmed.

“You’re making me hard,” Loki whispered, his face flaring with a blush.

“What exactly did I say that turned you on?” An excited curiosity shone in Tony’s eyes.

“I don’t know. Everything.” Loki curled in on himself, hiding his face and erection.

“You sound like a kid which is pretty disturbing considering what we’re talking about.”

“I’m sorry,” Loki said, his voice muffled against a knitted pillow.

“I know.” Tony got out of the bed and Loki peeked up at him. The engineer stretched, his back cracking repeatedly. “Do whatever you need to to get rid of it. Join me in the kitchen when you’re done.”

Loki let out a disgruntled breath, annoyed that his body’s sick reaction had driven Tony from his bed. He breathed in slowly pushing down his lust. Maybe he should just fuck himself silly, but knew that would take too long and Tony would probably just drift to the lab by then, growing too bored. He willed himself to calm down, humming an old drinking song that he hated.

He was disgusting, everything about him was disgusting.

But he had to concentrate on the present, not his festering lust.

Loki rolled out of his bed, his bare feet hitting the ground. He rocked back and forth on his heels slightly, missing how he used to wake up sore after a good fucking. He quickly pushed that thought aside, walking to the kitchen.

Tony was resting his head on the counter, a cup of coffee in hand.

“Did you have fun with your friends last night?” Loki asked, wanting Tony to look over at him.

“You sound like a parent. I’ve never had a parent and I don’t need one now,” Tony mumbled and Loki glanced around. The living room was a mess. He didn’t know what to say to the engineer.

“Should I make breakfast or something else?” He was squirming and he knew Tony could tell without out even looking at him.

“I’m not hungry. Just go to my closet and get my winter clothes. I wanna see the blue you.” Tony waved him off. Loki nodded silently. He retrieved the items, faintly hearing Tony talking to the AI about making sure their route was clear.

Loki returned with the items and was a bit miffed when Tony just put them over his clothes, rather than change. It couldn’t be helped though.

“Let’s go, Blitzen.” Tony started heading to the elevator with his cup of coffee in hand. Loki gave the kitchen a fleeting look. He was famished, but didn’t want to keep Tony waiting. He followed as close as he could without raising Tony’s ire.

Loki let his eyes wonder as they walked through Dr. Banner’s lab. Everything just looked wrong to Loki. The machinery had none of the telltale signs of being manually adjusted. It was too clean, everything had its place. There was even a small sink with freshly washed coffee mugs beside it.

Loki didn’t like it. In Tony’s lab panels were randomly open on devices, wires exposed and pliers shoved in them haphazardly. Oil stained rags were on every other flat surface. Broken circuit boards were swept into a corner and at least one of Tony’s robots was milling about, knocking over things.

This place was so… _sterile_.

Loki knew that’s how labs were supposed to be, but that didn’t stop him from feeling uneasy.

They came to a large metal door. Tony tapped on the circular thermostat reading it, before opening the door. Loki felt the cold air hit him and he began gnawing at his lip nervously.

If Tony saw him like this there’d be no turning back. At least when he was pretending to be an Aesir he looked human, but his frost giant form was as far from human as he could get.

Loki started wringing his hands as Tony turned towards him.

“You’re going to hate me even more,” Loki whispered, his eyes firmly planted on his bare feet. The frozen ground felt the same as the marble floor in Tony’s penthouse. “I’ll be hideous on both the inside and outside.” A stray tear glided down Loki’s face.

“Don’t make assumptions about me, Lokes,” Tony said while crossing his arms. His breath was visible. “Strip down to your underwear. If I’m going to see you in your Jotun form I want the whole show.” He still couldn’t look at the engineer. He slowly pulled down his loose pajama pants. It was the first time he’d ever felt awkward stripping in front of Tony. He hated that their relationship had changed so much.

Eventually he was only in his silk boxers. The same brand that Tony wore. He regretted that he had randomly chosen the dark blue ones yesterday. Blue, blue, blue-

His skin slowly shifted, the cold slowly receded as more of his true form was revealed. Those stupid lines raised up and despite the already freezing temperatures frost crept from the soles of his feet.

For a very long time the only noise was the humming of the freezer and the crinkling of frost creeping across the floor.

Why wasn’t Tony saying anything? Was this it? Now that Tony knew how he really looked he wouldn’t be able to pretend that Loki was beautiful anymore. He won’t be able to look past all of Loki’s previous transgressions. This would truly be the end.

“I want to lick you,” Tony finally said, startling the God of Mischief.

“What?” Loki stuttered out.

“I’m pretty sure it would be a Christmas Story scene though, but instead of my tongue just sticking it wouldn’t work ever again, and that would just be a shame.” Tony chuckled to himself. “Damn you really are cold.” Loki glanced up at Tony. He was holding some sort of device. Tony was slowly sweeping it up and down Loki’s body, staring at the readings. “It should be impossible. Fucking magic.” Tony lowered the device and their eyes met. Loki wanted to turn away from him, to hide the monstrous red, but something in Tony’s eyes wouldn’t allow him to.

Lust. There was lust in Tony’s eyes.

Despite everything. Despite Loki being pathetic. Despite Loki’s hideous Jotun heritage. Despite all the destruction Loki had caused Tony still looked at him like-

Loki fell to his knees and began crying.

“How can you- I don’t understand.” Loki curled up into a ball, closing his eyes tightly so he wouldn’t have to see his own blue skin. His stomach lurch as he felt his ice-crystal tears tickle his skin.

Disgusting!

Monster!

They should all burn in the lava lakes of Muspelheim!

“How can you still look at me like that?!”

“Look at you like what?” Tony asked while walking over to the bundle of blue. Tony crouched in front of him and it only made the god cry harder.

“Like- like I’m not a monster.” Loki brought his hands up and covered his ears, but immediately pulled them back when he felt the raised lines on his skin. He couldn’t even touch his own face without wanting to spew his guts out. Did Jotuns even have guts?

“Loki.” The use of his actual name snapped Loki out of his spiral. “Look at me.” Tony was using that voice again, the one that held so much power that Loki couldn’t ignore him. “Why are you getting so bent out of shape? This is different than your usual freak out.” The god stared at him for a long moment in disbelief.

“How can you not be disgusted? How can you stand being this close to me? Can’t you see that I’m a monster?”

“Lokes,” Tony sighed and scrubbed his mitten covered hands over his face, his nose was pink from the cold. “There’s only so many ways I can tell you that you’re not a monster, you’re just different.” Tony couldn’t find any better words for it as Loki looked away from him. “I’m not good with all this emotional crap. Usually I’d pass this sort of thing off to Pepper, but I don’t think she could help. Change back to your other form, not that I don’t like this one. I find this form interesting in many ways.” And there it was again, the look of lust in his eyes. “I just can’t give you a hug when you’re in this form.” Loki peeked at him again.

“A hug?” His voice quivered, showing all the emotions he was trying to hide.

“Don’t make me repeat myself.” Tony half joked, half warned. Loki uncurled himself from the ground and slowly shifted to his Aesir façade. The cold immediately hit him and he grabbed his discarded clothes which were of course neatly folded. The second he was fully clothed he was pulled into a hug, the winter coat between them added a layer of fluff, but didn’t take away from how it made Loki feel.

This is what he wanted. This is what he _needed_ and he hadn’t even known it till this point.

He wanted to be accepted in all his forms, not just the pretty face or the mage who studied far too much, or even the villain. This is what he wanted, accepted regardless of his past transgressions and heinous origin.


	25. Chapter 25

“Alright, Lokes. It’s a bit too cold in here for me,” Tony said, while extracting himself from the hug. Loki sniffled and wiped away his snot and tears. Loki was surprised when Tony took him by his hand and led them back to the elevator. The god couldn’t take his eyes away from their entwined fingers. He felt like he was floating. Nothing made sense, but he wasn’t about to question it.

The elevator pinged when they reached the penthouse floor and Loki bit his lip, wondering what was going to happen now. He had been so certain Tony was going to kick him out once he saw what was hiding beneath Loki’s Aesir façade.

But now… their hands were still together, even if Tony’s hands were covered in gloves.

“Why don’t you take a seat on the couch, Bambi?” The god bit his lip for what felt like the thousandth time that day before nodding and doing as he was told.

His stomach was still scratching at his insides with hunger, but he didn’t want to disobey Tony. Instead he pulled one of the blankets he had knitted from a basket that flanked the couch. He brushed his fingers over the patters he’d created. He could hear Tony milling about behind him, but was almost afraid to see what he was doing.

Loki flinched when the heavy winter coat was thrown onto the back of the couch beside him.

“Dasher, you really need to stop crying,” Tony said while sitting on his other side, back in his usual clothing. Loki looked down at the blanket, trying to regulate his breathing.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice breaking. Tony sighed again.

“That’s not- you don’t need to be sorry about crying.”

“But…”

“There is no but to it, Loki, you’re allowed to cry-” The god gave Tony a startled look, not use to him using his real name. “I just- I don’t want you to cry.”

“I thought you liked it when I cried.” Tony leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees before burying his face in his hands.

“You just don’t understand, Loki, and I’m trying so fucking hard.”

“Tony, I’m sorry!”

“Stop saying you’re sorry!” The god flinched at the poorly veiled anger in Tony’s voice and the engineer easily saw it. “Calm down.” Tony let out a slow breath, straightening his posture again. “Getting a job, the No Sex Policy… did you even wonder why I did all that?”

“I thought you just…” Loki was at a loss for words, caving in on himself. “I just- I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore.”

“Dasher, come here.” Tony held his arms open wide and Loki immediately jumped into them, pulling himself onto Tony’s lap and burying his face against Tony’s neck. The engineer began carding his fingers through Loki’s hair. The god held onto him tightly, almost scared that this was a dream. “You’re not healthy Loki. Neither of us are.”

“You’re healthy,” Loki squeaked, his voice muffled against Tony’s shoulder.

“Physically, we’re both healthy,” Tony corrected. “But emotionally and mentally we’re not all that stable.” Loki shook his head. “Just listen to me,” Tony said, causing Loki to still completely. “I wanted you to get a job so you’d see that there’s more in life than being in my home and being my slam piece.” Against his will Loki flinched at the crude phrase, having only learned it that morning. “There’s more to you than just your magic or your looks.”

“I know,” Loki said, bracing himself for the onslaught of insults that were sure to come.

“You can do more with yourself than just stay here. Those kids love you.” Tony’s voice was soft, almost kind.

“I don’t understand.” Loki tried burrowing himself closer to Tony, feeling his warmth.

“The kids at the center love you.” Tony leaned over slightly, grabbing the blanket before draping it over them.

“No they don’t,” Loki said. “The only ones that do are the youngest and that’s only because they’re too stupid to know better.” Tony’s grip on the god tightened slightly before loosening. Loki’s heart felt pain, thinking that maybe Tony was going to finally toss him aside. Tony lifted Loki’s chin, making their eyes meet.

“You’ve made a lot of mistakes. Hell, I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but that doesn’t make either of us bad people. What’s the worst thing you’ve done since you’ve come back to earth?” Tony’s eyes were locked onto him. Loki couldn’t hide from him.

“I…” Loki licked his dry lips in thought. There were so many things, Loki didn’t even know where to start. His screw ups were countless and he was afraid that if he voiced even one Tony would push him away. He decided to go with his most recent infraction. “I went onto the floor I wasn’t allowed to be on.”

“Is that really the worst thing you’ve done?” Loki felt like he’d been trapped. Of course Tony would know that wasn’t the worst. Tony could always see straight through him.

“I made a bad comment about one of the mothers under my breath,” Loki offered, digging through his own thoughts at a hurried pace. “I broke the vase in the corner, but I repaired it!” He pointed to the object, before a different memory made his heart stop. “There’s the whole cucumber thing. I hurt myself.”

“So let me get this straight. You went to a different floor, badmouthed a desperate housewife, broke then fixed a vase, and you hurt yourself while having a panic attack?” There was almost a sarcastic edge to Tony’s voice. Loki nodded, not wanting to see the disappointment and hatred in Tony’s eyes. “Loki, I’m constantly late to board meetings. I used to break into my employees offices and take naps on their couches. You can go on youtube and literally find hours of me making terrible comments about Justin Hammer and the government. And you know I used to hurt myself a lot too.” That caught Loki’s attention. He had to look at the engineer, in hopes of reading his expression. “I used to drink myself into oblivion.”

“I don’t understand why you’re telling me this.” Loki couldn’t comprehend why Tony didn’t see that all the things he did weren’t bad. Tony had a right to say whatever he wanted to because he was a genius and could be king of the world if he wanted to. This whole world could be his kingdom. The very fact that he chose to only temporary conquer a couch or two was a testament to his restraint and intelligence. And since Loki started living in his household he’d never seen the engineer drink pass a certain point. Even last night’s party must not have been that intense considering Tony hardly had a hangover.

“What I’m trying to say is that we all fuck up and do stupid shit, but it’s not that big of a deal. Everyone does it.” Loki dug his hands into Tony’s shirt, trying not to let his racing thought overcome him.

“Not everyone has attempted genocide or killed their father- or even waged war!” He could feel himself cracking. “Took over people’s minds! I’m horrible! I’m disgusting! Despicable- and I don’t understand why you keep saying these things to me!”

“Shh, calm down Bambi, calm down.” In contrast to Loki’s shouts, Tony’s whispers almost sounded like a breeze. The god immediately deflated. “You’re right, very few people can say they’ve done even one of those things, let alone all of them. Hell, I don’t even think my kill count is anywhere close to yours if what Thor told me is true.”

“I’m a monster…”

“I’m not done talking, Loki. Just listen.” The authority was back in Tony’s voice. Loki gave a shallow nod. “Alright?” Tony asked insistently.

“Alright,” Loki said weakly.

“Thor told me the whole story one drunken night about how you were lied to. You cracked, Loki. That’s all there is to it.”

“No! Even before then I was doing terrible things-”

“Hush, I’m not done.” The god clamped his teeth together, trying to push down the myriad of sins that were on the tip of his tongue. “You were hurt emotionally. Everything you thought you knew was a lie. Is that right?” Loki nodded. “Who you thought you were and what you’d found out about yourself contradicted. So you had to decide what you wanted to be and you chose to be an Aesir and to prove that you did something very bad.” Loki nodded again, not wanting to look into Tony’s eyes. Tony’s hands on Loki’s hips tightened. “You overcompensated. Thor told me about the different wars the Aesirs had. One against Jotunheim, before that Vanaheim, and Svart-whatever. I understand why you’d think putting an end to an old enemy would prove that you are an Aesir. You even killed your own father.” Once again Loki nodded, feeling nauseous from admitting that Laufey was his father and from the memory of that day.

“I still tried to kill countless Jotuns. There’s nothing that can excuse that.”

“I know, but do you think you were really yourself then?”

“What do you mean?” Loki asked and Tony made a humming noise.

“How to explain this… Was that the person you want to be? The one vying for Odin’s affections, defining himself by killing so many Jotuns?” Loki thought about Tony’s question, _really_ thought about it.

“…No,” he eventually admitted.

“What were your true goals when you did that?”

“I-” Loki stuttered, fresh tears clouding his vision. “I just wanted to- to prove to everyone that I was a true Aesir- That despite all the times I screwed up it wasn’t because I was a monster- or a trickster! Like they all said I was.” His words were garbled by tears. “They called me the God of Lies- The God of Mischief! But it was never true!” He sobbed and felt Tony’s hands grip him tighter. “I’m the God of Fire! I just wanted-” Loki couldn’t form the words. It hurt too much. “I just wanted them not to despise me. I just wanted Odin to accept me as his son. I just- I didn’t want to be the God of Lies or God of Mischief or whatever! I just wanted to be Loki- To spend time with my brother the way we used to when we were young. When we played in the courtyard, fighting with sticks- I just wanted-” His whole body shook. “I just wanted to be happy.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having some medical issues so I might not be able to update as regularly as usual.

Loki pulled himself away from Tony’s shoulder and cringed at the wet stain he’d left. Just another fuck up. He never wanted Tony to see him like this. To see that he was not only insane, but also broken to the point of almost being dysfunctional.

“But how can you still- You can’t forgive me for what I did to your realm, for all I've. You can’t forgive me for that.”

“Let’s go back to the previous question. Why did you do it?”

“What do you mean?” Loki could barely finish the sentence.

“It’s just as I said. Why did you do it? Why did you come to earth, Bambi?”

“I came here because,” the god licked his chapped lips his hunger making itself known again, “I came here because it was better than where I was.” He didn't want Tony to know, he couldn’t let Tony know about the torture. He couldn’t let Tony know that he’d already started being punished for his crimes against Asgard and Jotunheim, his selfish sins… all the torture.

“You’re going to have to clarify. You know I won’t accept such a vague answer.” Tony gave him a charming smile and Loki’s heart lept despite the subject.

“Where I was- I don’t know what’s it’s called. All I know is that it’s not a good place. They hurt me…” Loki felt his tears well up and couldn’t finish his sentence.

“Come on, Loki, speak to me. Talk to me.” Tony kept running his hands up and down Loki’s sides and for once Loki didn’t think of it as a sensual motion.

“I tried to kill myself, after-” Once again the words were stuck in Loki’s throat. “They didn’t accept me- I couldn’t live there anymore, on Asgard. It would only get worse. They’d say I was jealous, lay out another title: God of Jealousy, God of Mischief, God of Lies! They already hated me. I couldn’t stay there. I couldn’t live through that anymore. So I let go. I tried to die and I just ended up in a worse place.”

“Oh Loki.” Tony’s hand drifted up to Loki’s face, brushing away his tears.

“I didn’t know- I thought I’d die, I didn’t know.” His words started slurring as he curled in on himself and Tony. “I didn’t know,” he finally said, “that there was something worse than my fate on Asgard. When I landed I was a novelty. They didn’t know what or who I was so they pulled me apart. They tested my limits. They saw how much I could heal from and what would kill me.” Tony handed Loki a tissue. The god blew his nose before laughing humorlessly. “They didn’t even do it out of malice either- They just didn’t understand what I was!” His sobs mixed with laughter. “They just pulled me apart! They didn’t know!” Loki hugged himself, laughing and crying. He could still see his guts being slowly drawn out of him. “I screamed- I begged! But they-” Loki continued laughing hysterically as he cried. “They don’t have a verbal language! They didn’t understand- They couldn’t! They didn’t know! They didn’t understand they were hurting me! I begged, but they couldn’t understand! They took everything! I didn’t know there was something worse, but there was! And I don’t even know how long they pulled me apart.” Loki’s eyes became distant. “One day my screams caught the attention of someone who could talk, who could actually hear me.” His mouth gaped open and closed as if he couldn’t quite find the words he was looking for.

“I’m right here, Loki.” The god’s vacant green eyes slowly went to Tony’s brown eyes. He reached out with a shaking hand and gently caressed the side of Tony’s face, almost not believing he was real. “I’m right here,” Tony repeated, taking Loki’s shaking hand and kissing each fingertip slowly.

“The Other found me.” The words came out as a whisper and Loki could no longer cry, feeling emotionally exhausted. “He could hear, he knew what I was. And then… he just… left me there even after I begged. They pulled me apart over and over again. It was so long before he came back. I don’t even think I knew who I was by then. I was- I was just so grateful that he took me away! I was so grateful! I was so grateful, Tony! I didn’t understand-”

“Take your time, Loki,” Tony said while hugging the god tightly. Loki let out a broken sob before gasping for breath.

“He put me back together. He gave me food, water, clothing, everything that I had forgotten about. And I was so grateful. You don’t understand! He gave me everything!”

“I know, I know.” Loki could see tears in Tony's eyes, but he didn't understand why he'd cry.

“And then he just started asking me questions and I just told him- I didn’t think it was, I didn’t think it was anything bad. I was just answering his questions.” Loki’s pitch turned high.

“It’s alright,” Tony whispered while kissing Loki on the cheek.

“He wanted to know about Asgard, about everything and I told him and then I told him about the Cosmic Cube.”

“Cosmic Cube?”

“The Tesseract. I told him that I could feel it, that I felt when it was lost, that I knew it was in Midgard… and he just started building up these ideas. Told me I was a prince- I didn’t know I was a prince! I’d forgotten! I didn’t know!” His words came out faster. He just wanted Tony to understand.

“Alright, alright. Calm down.” Tony brushed his thumb over Loki’s cheekbone, sweeping one of countless tears away.

“He said that I was prince… that I was a king, royalty, and that the Chitauri were just too stupid to know that, but he knew right away and that every king needed a kingdom.” Loki’s eyes took on a crazed glint. “It made sense! A king needs a kingdom! A king can’t be a king if he doesn’t have a kingdom- There’s just, it doesn’t make any sense. That a king- there’s no kingdom without a king. No king without a kingdom. A king without a kingdom.” Loki brought his hands up, staring at his palms. “He- I’d already told him I could find the Cosmic Cube, that I could go through it if I had enough energy. He said, that I was a king and that I should have a kingdom. That it was my right. A king needs a kingdom, a king needs a kingdom, a king needs a kingdom.” He kept repeating the phrase, his gestures getting wilder. Tony slowly grabbed Loki’s flailing arms. “He just… It made sense, Tony. It made sense.”

“I know.” They both fell silent, Loki lost in the memory of the madness that once consumed him while Tony was carefully reading his flickering expressions.

“And then…” Loki finally said, his voice devoid of emotion. “And then I came here and hurt so many people. But you- then I saw Thor and I just… Tony, I wanted to cry. I saw him and all I wanted to do was cry. I’d hurt him. I just wanted to cry. I hurt him and I hated myself for it. I still do. I hurt them all, but most of all I hurt him. Despite all the times he hurt me, where he pushed me around, said I wasn’t good enough- He was still my brother. He’s still my brother and I tried to hurt him! I hurt him! How could I? I love him so much. He was the only one… He was my brother and I hurt him. I hated myself for it.” Loki’s voice was suddenly stronger. “I hated myself for hurting the one person who indulged me on my studies- who woke me up when I fell asleep in the library, who hid me from father when one of my pranks went wrong. He was my brother and I hurt him… I hurt so many people, my mother, my father. I hurt a man I didn’t even know and I killed so many for no reason. And I hated myself. I don’t understand why you can’t- I just hate myself.

“But then you came along. You _saw_ me, Tony. You saw what I did- you saw, you saw, you saw! You can see me! No one can see me but you!” Loki paused. “You saw everything and you offered me- you offered me a place to stay- a reprieve. A home, an escape from everything I’ve done. You offered me safety from myself. You offered to take away the pain. And I’m so selfish- I couldn’t, I couldn’t turn you down. I tried! I tried to pretend I was a king! That I was a king and I could still have a kingdom like the Other said, but I knew and you knew that I wasn’t- wasn’t a king and this wasn’t going to be my kingdom! You knew! And it made me realize I’d never be a king. That this place would never be my kingdom. You snapped me out of that tangle of lies. You gave me my morality back. You gave me back all the things the Chitauri and Other took from me. But I couldn’t forget and I knew you couldn’t forget either- all the things I’ve done, all the people I’ve hurt! How despicable monster- How-”

“Hush, Loki.” It wasn’t the usual authoritative voice Tony used, but it still had the same effect. “You’ve been through a lot.” Loki could only nod in response. “I’m sorry they didn’t accept you on Asgard. I sorry that you felt the need to prove yourself to all of them.”

“What are you-”

“I’m sorry that death sounded like a better option than staying home. I’m sorry they lied to you for so long. I’m sorry that you landed in such a dark place. I’m sorry they hurt you. I’m sorry that the Other brainwashed you. I’m sorry that it took so long for you to figure out that being a king wouldn’t make you happy. I’m sorry that it was my harsh words that snapped you out of it. I’m sorry that it was necessary for such cruel things to be said for you to understand that there was no kingdom waiting for you. I’m sorry that I played on your insecurities, that I whittled away at what little self-esteem you had left.”

“Tony…”

“No, Loki. I need to say this. I’m sorry that I used you. I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to try to heal you, to understand why you hated yourself so much. I’m sorry for so many things.” There was a quiver in Tony’s voice that broke Loki’s heart.

“Tony, you don’t have to be sorry. I needed those things to be said. I needed, I need those, I need you. I always need! And it hurts so much that you won’t touch me anymore- that you won’t push me down. I still need it.” Loki was fumbling over his words.

“That’s the thing, Loki. I don’t think you need it anymore.” Loki’s green eyes went wide.

“What… I don’t understand.”

“You don’t need to hate yourself anymore. I don’t think you need me to hate you anymore either.”

“But… I’ve killed so many. I’ve…” Loki sounded completely lost.

“You don’t have to hate yourself.” The engineer gripped Loki’s face, making their eyes meet. “I don’t hate you. I never hated you.” The god reeled backwards, but Tony didn’t let him go. “You’ve done terrible things, but you don’t need to hate yourself for them.”

“But, but-” Loki was starting to hyperventilate.

“Thor still loves you. He still considers you his brother. Almost every time we see each other he talks about you, but can never ask me anything directly since Heimdall is watching. So I give him all I can without giving ourselves away. He loves you. He’s not angry at you for what you did.” A whole new wave of tears assaulted the god.

“But… I’ve…”

“You fucked up. I’ve fucked up. We’ve all fucked up, but you can’t let those two years define you. You’re 2000 something years old. You can’t let two years define you.”

“But even before that I was- I did things.”

“Thor told me all about your little escapades. Your pranks, they called you the God of Mischief because they were pranks, not because you were out to hurt people. Those Aesir may not have liked you, but they didn’t hate you. They probably never saw the real you. You’re not a monster. I know you better than anyone else.” Tony brushed back a lock of Loki’s hair. “You trust me, right?”

“Of course, I trust you! I trust you more than-

“Then trust me when I say you don’t need to hate yourself. That I don’t hate you. You fucked up, but you have been doing better ever since. You haven’t killed anyone or tried to take over any cities, hell you helped out when Amora attacked.”

“Those things they’re… they’re not all that important. I did those things because I love you.”

“You did it for more than whatever you think you feel for me.” Before Loki could contest that statement Tony continued on. “You did those things because you’re not a monster. Regardless of those things you did those two years, or where you were born, or whatever species you are, you’re not a monster. You’re just Loki.” Tony took in a deep breath as the god looked at him with wonder. “You’re just Loki, the god who loves chick-flicks. Loki who would go barefoot everywhere if he had it his way. Loki who loves knitting. Loki who genuinely smiles when one of his students does well. Loki who bakes the best damn cookies I’ve ever had. That’s the Loki I know. That’s who you are.”

Loki was speechless.

He couldn’t seem to comprehend what Tony was telling him.

“We’re equals, Loki. You don’t have to do as I say. You don’t have to walk on eggshells. You can live here as long as you want. You can switch jobs. You can do whatever you want. I don’t even have to worry about you breaking the law because that’s not who you are. You’re not a mass murdered or would be conqueror. You’re just Loki. You don’t have to cook me breakfast or address Pep as Ms. Potts. Shit, you can pretty much do whatever you want.”

“But I don’t… I don’t understand.”

“I know it will take some getting used to it. It’s a brave new world out there. I won’t stop you if you want to live somewhere else or go back to Asgard. Thor told me about how you said nothing at your trial. I think things might change when they know what happened to you.”

“But I just, I don’t want to go,” he said weakly.

“Then you don’t have to go. This place has been your home for quite a while now, over two years.” Tony smiled softly. “The only words of caution I have is that you’re still a wanted man here. I’d rather not have you thrown in jail, personally.” Loki was still lost for words. Tony wasn’t making any sense. “You in there, Bambi?” The god glanced at him before nodding slightly. “Good, I need you to get off my legs. They’re starting to fall asleep,” Tony said jokingly and Loki hastily moved backwards, landing on the coffee table loudly. “You really are acting like a spooked deer today,” Tony joked. “How about I make breakfast for once, though I can’t guarantee it will be that good.”

Loki just stared at him blankly before following him into the kitchen.

It only took five minutes for Tony to burn the toast and for him to let out a string of curses as eggshells fell in the scrambled eggs. After letting out a weak laugh and wiping away the last of his tears Loki gently coaxed Tony to sit down and made them both breakfast.


	27. Chapter 27

Loki woke up feeling as confused as he felt falling asleep. He still couldn’t make sense of what Tony had said even after they spent the majority of the day together, buying new furniture for Loki’s room, Tony prompting Loki to choose his own clothing and other little things to make Loki feel like he was more than just a piece of the household.

It all seemed like a dream to the god. A nonsensical dream that couldn’t have possibly taken place.

Tony said he wasn’t a monster.

Tony said he didn’t hate him.

Tony said they were _equal_.

How could they be equal? How could anything he said yesterday make any sense?

“Good morning,” Jarvis greeted, startling the god. The AI had never greeted him before. Jarvis only ever either relayed Tony’s orders or made a mean yet justified comment.

“Good morning?” Loki said weakly.

“Would you like to hear the reading for today?”

“The readings?” Loki slowly slid out of his bed.

“Yes, the readings. The temperature, current affairs of the world, and the like. Would you like the readings?”

“Does Tony get the readings?”

“Sir gets various readings mostly pertaining to the status of Stark Industries and his companions. Is there anything specific you’d like to know about?”

“Uhm.,.” It felt so awkward having Jarivs address him so formally. “Can I know about Tony…?” A thousand questions came to mind.

“Sir is currently asleep and will be leaving for a board meeting in 45 minutes.”

“And what about Ms. Potts, is she…”

“Ms. Potts is returning later this evening.” Jarvis paused. “Is there anything else you’d like to know about?”

“Are those bundles of yarn I ordered in yet?”

“They are in the service elevator.”

Loki took a quick shower in a daze, feeling so lost and purposeless. He didn’t know what he was supposed to be useful anymore or why Tony was keeping him around.

Maybe if he acted like nothing had changed Tony would unconsciously fall back into their habit. So Loki slicked back his hair and wore an outfit he knew looked good on him.

Tony had a board meeting in 45 minutes, which meant Jarvis would wake him up in five minutes and he’d be ready in another five. Due to his shower Loki had ten minutes to make a quick meal that Tony could take with him to the board meeting.

A breakfast burrito would have to do. Luckily all the ingredients he needed were in the kitchen. He used his magic to heat the pan up perfectly and get started on the meal. The coffee machine was already brewing courtesy of Jarvis. Loki dispensed it in one of the Stark Industries thermoses that was unique in its red and gold coloring.

Just as Loki perfectly timed it Tony came bustling out of his room, hastily fixing his tie. Loki handed him the foil wrapped burrito and thermos quickly just before Tony could disappear in the elevator with only a breathless thanks.

Loki grinned to himself before deciding on making his own breakfast. It was soothing, making crepes, dicing strawberries, and drizzling honey over it all.

“Jarvis?” Loki asked.

“Yes?” the AI responded, sounding perfectly cordial. It put Loki off kilter he wasn’t used to such civility.

“What did Tony mean yesterday?”

“There were many things said yesterday. Perhaps you should clarify.”

“I mean everything. He didn’t even sound like himself.”

“It did not sound like the version of him that you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“The way Sir has acted with you has always been different than how he acts with most people.” Loki nodded glumly in agreement. Of course he acted differently. Loki was a monster. “I can almost hear you thinking,” Jarvis said, an edge of humor in his voice.

“What do you mean?”

“He didn’t act differently because he hates you.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

“Yes you said that 26 times yesterday to Sir.” The humor was very evident in the AI’s voice.

“Then why did he…”

“You are aware of your own ‘kink’, are you not?” The god blushed.

“I have a few,” he admitted.

“Well there is one that is the most prominent,” Jarvis stated and Loki looked down at his plate, moving around the different bits. He had a good idea of what it was.

“I like…” He hesitated, blushing even more. It didn’t make any sense to be embarrassed. The AI had literally seen everything Tony and Loki had done together and even what Loki had done to himself. Why would he be embarrassed to admit how much he liked it? “I like it when he talks dirty to me.” There was a pause and Loki got the sense that the AI was laughing.

“Talking dirty is not exactly how I’d describe it, nor would Sir describe it as such.”

“How would he describe it?”

“I don’t know the exact words he’d used, but your kink is very specific. It’s a balancing act.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Number 27 in the past two days,” Jarvis remarked, making Loki bite his lip. “Sir can see the way you see yourself quite clearly.” Loki nodded in agreement. “He can see how much you dislike yourself. He can also see how much it arouses you whenever someone mirrors that level of hatred.” Loki nodded while discarded the last of his breakfast. “Sir says whatever level of hateful words you need to hear in order for you to be aroused.”

“He- but I thought.”

“As you are well aware, Sir is a generous lover.”

“Of course.”

“He knows exactly what you need to hear to get off.”

“But why would he-” Loki fell silent and flopped down onto the ground staring up at the blank ceiling. “I’m not worth the effort,” he finally said after hours of tuning Jarvis’ words over in his head.

“Clearly Sir does not share that opinion.” Loki began gnawing on his lip to the point where it hurt and he tasted blood.

By Jarvis’ logic Tony thought it would be profitable to allow Loki to come, to live in his household.

Making Loki come was a matter of pride. Tony had said so more than once.

And Tony could have any number of people be his house whore. So why choose one as despicable as Loki?

Maybe it’s because Tony wanted to screw the villain as a final fuck you. Loki could understand that. He’d scorned enough people see the appeal. But Tony never considered him a villain, more of a pest and nuisance.

Loki thought back to the last time they had fucked.

It was different. More intense, and clearly fueled by frustration.

It had left Loki limping. Tony was strong from both his hard labor in the lab and his sparring with the other Avengers.

Had Loki been mortal and far less durable their last session could have seriously hurt him, maybe even permanently.

He knew Tony would never have sex with Ms. Potts in such a manner. She was far too delicate and Loki still remembered how long it took a bruise on her foot to heal after she accidentally dropped a book on it.

Maybe Loki was worth the effort because Tony could fuck him as hard as he wanted to without having to worry about hurting him.

Those were always the best days, when Tony didn’t hold back. When Loki was left unable to think due to sheer exhaustion and post orgasm bliss. When he could feel an ache in his lower back, reminding him hours later what had happened. When he was bent and pulled to his limit-

“Jesus, Bambi, are you alright?!” Tony’s voice rang out, startling the god. He glanced up at him from the ground.

“Of course,” he answered simply while giving him a confused look.

“Fuck, I thought you had taken a handful of pills or something.” Tony offered his hand and Loki happily took it, being hefted upwards. “Sit on one of the barstools while I try to stave off a heart attack,” Tony said while moving to the kitchen sink. He grabbed a paper towel and ran it under the water for a moment.

“What did I do?” he asked while gnawing at his lip again.

“That, that’s what you did.” Tony gestured to Loki’s face. The god summoned a small hand mirror and saw what he meant. There was a drying line of blood going from the edge of his lip to the side of his face and ear.

“Oh.”

“He says oh, of course he says oh, as if I didn’t almost just die,” Tony mumbled confusing Loki further. The engineer came over with the paper towel while loosening his tie. He gripped Loki’s jaw steadily, making the god gasp in surprise and delight. Those emotions died quickly when he saw the frustrated and analytical look on Tony’s face as he wiped away the blood. “What did I tell you about hurting yourself?” Tony asked once the majority of the blood was gone.

“Not to do so. I’m sorry.”

“And last time I found you bleeding in the kitchen it was a fucking disaster!” Tony started ranting, not having heard the god. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why would you do that Loki?!” The god cringed, the use of his actual name always made him tense up.

“I’m sorry. I hadn’t even noticed I was doing it.” Loki looked away from him, wanting to disappear. He spotted a few drops of blood on the ground and subtly cleaned them with his magic.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Tony said while pulling off his tie and tossing it aside.

“I’m sorry,” he said weakly as tears started to fog his vision.

“Fuck.” Tony sighed and sat beside him. “Please tell me you’re not crying,” he said softly and Loki tilted his head down and away from him. “Fucking fuck.”

“I’m sorry.” His voice was tight and high pitched.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Tony laid his hand on Loki’s shoulder and the god felt some of his tension instantly ease away. “Come here.” Tony trailed his hand down Loki’s arm, raising goose bumps in its wake. He clutched his hand before leading him into the living room. Loki followed, eyes firmly planted on his bare feet. Tony settled them on one of the larger recliners and Loki squirmed so that his head was resting on Tony’s chest. He didn’t understand how Tony’s heart could attack him. It sounded fine to him. “You really need to learn how to relax.” Tony said softly while running a hand through Loki’s hair.

Loki nuzzled against him.

“Being fucked always relaxes me,” Loki mumbled without thought before completely freezing. He had definitely crossed the line this time-

Tony laughed loudly and Loki could feel it reverberate. The god grinned as Tony switched the TV on and pulled him a bit closer.

 


	28. Chapter 28

Loki wasn’t sure when he fell asleep. He just knew that he’d never felt more rested, even if there was a kink in his neck. He recognized Tony’s scent and could hear his steady heartbeat.

Even without opening his eyes he could sense that it was snowing outside, another reminder of his disturbing heritage.

He nuzzled against Tony, not wanting this moment to end. Loki peeked up at him. The engineer was asleep and Loki felt a thrill. Tony trusted him enough to let his guard down completely, well not completely. Jarvis was ever vigilant, not that Loki would ever hurt the man he loves.

The only person that accepted him, that tolerated him.

And he even let him snuggle up to him.

Loki was so happy and he felt like his heart was about to burst.

But then he noticed that they had been covered with a blanket, that there was a small stack of papers on the side table, half of them signed, along with two glasses, one with lipstick stains on it.

Ms. Potts had been here. She had even tucked them in.

How could she just-

It didn’t make sense to Loki.

Every time Loki saw Tony all snuggled up with someone else whether it was Ms. Potts or one of Tony’s flings Loki always wanted to toss them out or shove them aside-

Yet she had just- just didn’t even care. Even shared a drink with him over paperwork!

Nothing made any sense.

Maybe he was just that easy to ignore, just another piece of furniture.

He knew that she didn’t see him as a romantic threat.

He was just Loki the… the what?

Tony said they were equal.

Either Tony really hated himself or he thought too highly of Loki.

Loki cuddled a bit closer to him, lazily draping one of his legs over one of Tony’s. The engineer didn’t stir as Loki sniffled, trying to hold back frustrated tears.

He needed to live in the moment.

Being in Tony’s arms like this was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

He needed to cherish it.

Loki did his best to quell his tumultuous thoughts. His eyes drifted to the large windows. The snowflakes were heavy, the kind that were perfect for making snowmen.

Christmas songs were on the radio last time Loki was driven back from work. Last Christmas he had been left all on his own, told to go to his room. He had heard Tony and Ms. Potts exchanging gifts early in the evening before heading off to some charity function.

Maybe this year he’d get a present…

Loki still had the green ribbon that had been tied on the box of the first gift Tony ever gave to him. When he was feeling particularly lonely he’d pull it from a little jewelry box he had ordered online then use it to tie his hair back.

He wanted to get something for Tony for Christmas, but what could he give him?

Loki’s thought automatically went to giving him a blow job, but with Tony’s No Sex Policy that was out of the question. Although a blow job wasn’t technically sex.

Loki had to force himself not to squirm. He didn’t want to wake up the engineer.

Loki realized that his hand was bunched up in Tony’s shirt, probably had been since he fell asleep. It took monumental effort not to let it drift downwards.

Tony stirred slightly and for a brief moment Loki worried that the engineer had somehow read his mind. It wouldn’t be the first he saw right through him.

His brown eyes opened briefly in the dim light. With a clumsy hand he reached for his half full glass of what was probably scotch. He threw back the majority of it in one go before noticing who was in his arms.

“Bambi,” Tony said, his voice raspy. Loki’s eyes lit up. “What?”

“Tony, can I give you a blow job?” The engineer furrowed his brow in confusion. “It’s technically not sex so it doesn’t break your No Sex Policy.”

“It’s the principle of the matter,” Tony mumbled, his eyes drifting closed. Loki squirmed while frowning. “Go to sleep, Loki.”

“Just one blow job. I’ll make it quick. I know how you like it,” Loki said, burying his face against Tony’s chest.

“Fine.” Loki’s heart leapt. “Take off your pants.”

“What?” he stuttered and Tony smiled sleepily.

“You heard me, Dasher. You said one blow job, ‘sides I’m sure it’s been a while since you’ve been on the receiving end.”

“But you! I-”

“Shush, either take off your pants or go back to sleep. I don’t care which one.” Tony’s eyes were drifting close again. Loki gaped at him a moment.

“Yes please,” he said while wiggling off the chair so he could get undressed. He immediately felt the loss of warmth, but could tell his face was flushing. He couldn’t get out of his pants fast enough, but once they were off he felt especially awkward just standing there as Tony stretched and yawned.

“Lay on the couch.” Tony waved in the direction of the long piece of furniture. Loki immediately complied, his hands worrying away at the hem of his shirt. Tony stretched again as he stood, his eyes still bleary. Loki watched him with rapt attention, feeling like his heart was about to explode. Tony grabbed a pillow from one of the other seats. “Up,” he said simply while motioning to Loki’s hips. He complied and Tony put a pillow under his hips, propping him up slightly. “Just remember you have to be quiet. Pep is probably sleeping and she’s a busy lady who needs her rest.”

Loki frowned, but nodded. He’d almost forgotten about her, about their situation, about who he was-

Those thoughts were instantly destroyed when Tony settled himself between his legs, swinging one over his shoulder, and swallowing him whole without any preemption. He let out a strangled noise of surprised. Tony pulled away from him and Loki groaned, tears starting to blur his vision already. Tony held a finger over his own lips and Loki nodded, putting his wrist in his mouth so he could muffle himself.

He bit into his wrist as Tony took him in again. The engineer’s movements were slow and deep, and Loki felt like he was losing his mind. He wanted to thrust into the warm heat as Tony swallowed him.

Loki knew that Tony wasn’t doing anything fancy, just an occasional hum and flicking of the tongue when he unsheathed him, but it was perfect. Loki had to hold onto the arm rest, because this was _Tony_ who was lazily lapping at him, taking him all in with an eased fashion that spoke of years of experience.

His toes were starting to curl in. Tony lifted his leg a bit higher and Loki realized his thighs were quivering, that his whole body was shaking. Tony’s throat fluttered. Loki stared up at the ceiling with blurred eyes, trying to control himself. He was almost in pain from the effort it took to not cry out.

Loki couldn’t help but thrust up slightly into Tony’s mouth and when Tony didn’t hold his hips down he took it as encouragement. Tony picked up his pace and Loki realized that the engineer was _reacting_ to him. Loki almost came just from that revelation alone.

And then Tony’s nails were digging into his thighs while his other hand fondled Loki’s sack, and his throat and mouth were tight around him.

Before he could warn the engineer he came undone, biting into his wrist so hard he drew blood. Tony sat up, stretching for the third time that night.

Loki was desperately trying to catch his breath so he could say something, anything. Tony stood and grabbed his drink off the table, finishing it off before rubbing jaw slightly. Loki was still gasping in and out, letting his wrist drop to his side and slide off the couch.

“Where,” _gasp_ “are you going?” Loki asked when Tony started walking away. Tony turned back towards him, but his eyes were on the window and the snow that was listlessly falling.

“To bed,” Tony answered simply.

“But…” Loki didn’t know what he was going to say and when nothing else came out he closed his mouth. Tony glanced at him before heading to the bar to top off his drink. Loki sat up while watching him.

“One blow job and then you’d go to sleep. That was the deal, remember?” Loki reluctantly nodded in agreement. Tony swirled his drink in his glass slightly. “Then go to sleep.” Tony set his drink down on the bar without even taking a sip before walking off.

Loki flopped back down, his mind reeling. Blindly he reached for his pants that he had folded and placed on the coffee table earlier despite his excitement. He slipped them on while still laying on the couch, trying to put his shattered mind back together.

Was that a dream or did that just happen?

And how was he supposed to fall asleep after that?

His heart was still trying to escape his chest.

Loki rolled onto his side while grabbing the abandoned pillow. He let out a muffled little scream into it, unable to contain himself properly.

This must be a new tricked played on him by the Norns. Surely Tony wouldn’t-

The god couldn’t even think of what just happened.

He blushed and had to smother his giggles with the pillow.

Tony had just-

And he even-

Loki felt like he was about to pass out.

He accidentally tore his captive pillow.

“Sorry.” He whispered to the inanimate object while grinning. He traced his finger over the broken seam, stitching it back together with a spark of green magic.

Loki squeezed the pillow to his chest, trying not to roll off the couch with his sudden burst of energy. He wanted to run out onto the balcony and create fireworks with his fingers. He wanted to shift into a thousand little butterflies and flutter into a tizzy of colors.

Most of all he wanted to track Tony down and just kiss him into oblivion.

That brought him back to reality.

Tony couldn’t even look at him afterwards…

Loki let go of the pillow, fluffing it up before putting it back in its proper place on one of the chairs. He slowly sat up, looking around the dim room with hooded eyes.

Even if he had promised Tony he’d go to sleep he knew he couldn’t.

Instead he sorted out the cluttered stack of papers. He put them into two piles on the coffee table, those that had and hadn’t been signed. He arranged them in order of relevance, having a good sense of how Ms. Potts did so. He placed the pen parallel to the stack that still needed to be signed.

Afterwards he took Ms. Potts’ lipstick stained glass and put it in the sink, gazed into the fridge, then went back to the living room. He felt like his heart was breaking, but he wasn’t sure why.

His eyes lingered on the crystal cut glass that Tony had abandoned on the bar. As he had suspected it was filled with scotch. Loki held it up, letting the distant New York lights catch in the amber liquid.

He took a sip and savored the taste.

A late night mistake to make him shut up. That’s what it was, what it _had_ to be. (There was no other explanation.)

Loki stared at the drink before carefully taking it with him to the balcony. He really did hate the snow, but some part of him wanted to be out there. The snow crunched softly under his bare feet and he almost chuckled when he realized he couldn’t really feel the temperature difference.

With a lingering sigh Loki sat in the snow, leaning his back against the window and letting his legs sprawl out in front of him. He carefully cupped Tony’s glass to his chest.

Tony had given him a blow job… but then he just walked away like it was nothing, despite it being everything to Loki.

He took a sip of Tony’s drink and cringed as his lip stung. He hadn’t even noticed he had started gnawing on it again. He didn’t want Tony to be mad at him, but at the same time whenever the engineer found him bloodied in one way or another it ended with Loki in Tony’s arms.

It was a dark road his thoughts could travel, but he refused to look into them further. He was already damaged enough on the inside as is. He didn’t want it mirrored on the outside. Besides that, Tony made it very clear that Loki wasn’t allowed to hurt himself.

A snowflake fell into the amber liquid and quickly melted away.

Tony had just left.

It meant everything to Loki yet it meant nothing to Tony.

The god held back his tears and instead took a sip.

When everything was said and done Loki just wanted to be the one that Tony went to every night, even if it was only to sleep.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lil' on the shorter side, but I think it's worth it :)

* * *

Loki knew what he wanted to make Tony for Christmas. It would be the most garish, ostentatious, eyeball burning piece of clothing and he was certain that Tony would love it. All Loki had to do was get the pattern right.

Thankfully Jarvis was willing to help, so Loki knew the colors would match perfectly.

He was practicing the new pattern with spare yarn when Tony came up from the lab after a three day science benders. Loki could hear him in the kitchen getting more coffee. Loki shoved aside the practice yarn and pulled out a blanket he hadn’t finished knitting yet.

Tony walked by with a slouch in his shoulders and a cup of coffee in his hand. He paused midway before turning to look at Loki. He stood up a bit straighter and his eyes narrowed.

“You’re up to something,” Tony accused while smiling and using his mug to point at Loki. The god did his best not to let out a peep of surprise.

“No I’m not,” he quickly said, feeling his face heat up. He almost laughed. Norns, he used to be such a good liar before he met Tony.

“Liar, liar, pants for hire,” Tony chanted while moving around the furniture to sit across from Loki.

“What?” the god asked, a look of confusion on his face.

“Don’t worry about it. I said it wrong anyway.” Tony yawned before taking a large gulp of his coffee. “You are hiding something though. I can _feel_ it.”

“And what if I am?” Loki knew he could always get away with a bit more sass when the engineer was tired like this. Tony quirked an eyebrow up.

“I guess I’ll just have to figure it out, now won’t I?”

“How presumptuous of you to assume that you can figure it out.” Loki scoffed, carefully watching the engineer.

“Oh Lokitty, have you forgotten how easy it is for me to read you. I was half asleep and hadn’t even looked at you, yet I knew something was up.” Tony took a sip of his drink, nodding to himself.

“Perhaps you just had a conversation with Jarvis and he tattled on me.” Loki raised his chin up in a show of mock regality.

“Did you seriously just use the word tattled? I swear you sound like a kid way too often.” Tony gave Loki a pointed look and the god averted his eyes, feeling embarrassed. Nothing new there.

“On TV it seems like only old women knit. Perhaps I sound childish to balance it out.”

“If that was the case you’d talk like a baby all the time considering you’re 2,000 something years old.” Loki blushed.

“A lot of good all those years did.” Loki slumped in his seat, momentarily letting his mind slip back to unhappy times. “I like to think that my life started the day we met.”

“That’s so creepy, Dasher. That would make me a pedophile. I have enough sexual allegations stacked up against me. I don’t need another one.”

“I’m sorry.” Loki bit his lip.

“Don’t be.”

“Don’t be sorry?” Loki asked, confusion evident in his voice.

“Yes, so what is it you’re hiding, young man?” Tony kept his tone teasing.

“I didn’t do the laundry today,” Loki offered and Tony burst out laughing.

“That’s the gravest of crimes,” Tony said while rolling his eyes. He leaned forward, his eyes searching. “It has something to do with knitting.” Loki almost fell out of his seat. He hid behind his half-finished blanket to cover up his surprise and guilt. “I’ll have the truth from you yet.” Tony stood and Loki peeked over the blanket. The engineer sat on the coffee table right in front of him, pushing away the blanket so that he could see the god more clearly. “It’s about something you’re making, and I doubt it’s another blanket.” Loki finally put his shield of a blanket down, doing his best to stay composed.

“Christmas this year…” Loki began and Tony raised an eyebrow, encouraging him to continue. “I want to spend it with you.” Tony leaned away from him and Loki did his best not to cringe.

“A seemingly simply request.” Tony reached backwards and grabbed his mug of coffee. He took a slow sip in contemplation. “Before Pep and I got together I used to throw a big Christmas party and take at least three people to bed with me.” Tony took another sip in thought. “Christmas is usually reserved for friends and family. Back then I only had a couple of friends and they always spent their Christmas with their families. The Avengers and I have a charity function to attend then we are going to spend the rest of Christmas here.” Loki slouched in his chair.

“Of course. That was very presumptuous of me to ask.” Loki couldn’t look at him. He knew that if he did he’d cry.

“You wanted something and you asked for it. That’s the proper order of things.” Tony set aside his coffee. “How about we spend Christmas morning together? You can even sleep in my bed since Pep won’t be back until late in the evening. How does that sound to you?” Loki’s eyes lit up and he had to hold back his grin.

“That sounds perfect.” Loki felt a bit lightheaded at the prospect. Tony snorted.

“You’re something else, you know that?” Tony mumbled while standing up, his posture slack from exhaustion. Loki wilted in his seat.

“Yes, I know.” The god looked down at the half-finished blanket, realizing he was bending the knitting needles.

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way, Bambi,” Tony said before disappearing around the corner.

“Jarvis,” Loki said after a long moment, “I’m confused.”

“I fear that is nothing new for you,” Jarvis said kindly and Loki laughed nervously.

“I know.” Loki shook his head to himself before going back to practicing the new pattern, knowing Tony was passed out by now.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to lokimon for reminding me it is Monday! I was just a bit distracted with writing some of my other stories!

* * *

 

Tony was in a bad mood. Loki could tell, but he wasn’t sure what the reason was. He really hoped that it wasn’t because of him.

It was a week and half till Christmas and Loki was hoping Tony wasn’t going to change his mind about letting him sleep in his bed.

The engineer was sitting in the dim light of the living room, slumped on the couch. Tony was smoking a cigarette, something Loki had only seen him do two times before.

The first time was after the Ultron incident.

The second was after the funeral for Ant-Man.

Loki crept over, just loud enough to be heard by mortal ears. He silently offered a glass of scotch which Tony wordlessly took without even opening his eyes, as if he could just sense Loki.

“Would you like a backrub?” Loki offered, his voice a mere whisper. Tony shook his head, eyes still firmly closed. He took a long drag of his cigarette. He flicked the tip of the cigarette and ashes carelessly fell onto the marble floor. “Is there anything I can do?” Tony finally cracked open his eyes, but wasn’t looking at the god.

“J, do we have a chess set?”

“One moment, Sir. Searching inventory.” There was a long pause and Loki started gnawing on his lip. There were chess boards at the youth center he worked at. He rather enjoyed watching the younger teens play, watching them make obvious mistakes. “There is an ornate set in Dr. Banner’s living room under the coffee table.”

“Loki, be a dear and get that. Brucie is at a conference.” Tony waved his hand dismissively, more embers falling to the ground, a few burning the armrest.

Loki paused before teleporting himself down to the doctor’s floor. He glanced around, taken aback by the spicy scent and earth toned room. He easily found the game and teleported back to Tony’s side. The engineer was just as he left him.

“Here you go,” Loki said softly, setting it down in front of him. Tony finished off his drink and put his half-finished cigarettes in the empty glass.

“Do you know how to play?”

“I’ve seen a few people play, but I don’t know the actual rules,” Loki said softly, not wanting to break whatever semblance of calm Tony was maintaining.

“Come here.” Tony patted the spot beside him while scooting forward slightly so he could set up the chess board. Loki watched as he quickly put each piece in place. Loki loved that the engineer was ambidextrous. It had proven to be quite useful and now seeing him set up the board while writing down the rules just made him miss all the times those hands were on him. Once the pieces were in place Tony began naming each of them and their function. His arm was lazily resting around Loki’s hips, distracting the god immensely.

Loki found it amusing that the queen was so versatile considering in reality a queen was guarded almost as closely as a king was.

“I made you a little cheat sheet in case you forget anything.” Tony handed over the scribbled on slip of paper, a torn take-out menu. Loki glanced it over, being sure he had everything right. “Got it?”

“I believe so.” Loki nodded to himself and frowned when Tony pulled away from him.

“Good. Sit on the ground across from me.” Tony lit another cigarette and leaned back on the couch. “Jarvis, lay out a grid for the board.” Blue letters and numbers appeared by the board.

Loki held back a grin at being ‘forced’ to sit on the ground again. Tony looked so… imposing and masculine lounging while Loki sat on his heels, a coffee table and chessboard between them.

“Who goes first?” Loki asked while rocking forward slightly, looking at the board.

“You can. The grid is so that you can move my pieces too,” Tony stated plainly.

Loki stared at the board for a moment, trying to calm down so he could actually give Tony a good game. It was the least he could do. The engineer clearly wanted to be distracted.

He took account of the size of the board, the reach of each piece, and he felt an old confidence bloom in his chest. He understood these sorts of games. He used to be the best at these sorts of games before…

Loki made his move, feigning confidence. Tony called out his move without hesitation. Loki put Tony’s piece in its new position before trying to decide on his own strategy.

Every time Loki made his move Tony immediately said his own, whittling away at his confidence.

This was different.

Maybe it was the way Tony was carelessly holding his new cigarette, letting it slowly burn out rather than smoke it.

Or perhaps it was the angle. Loki had his elbows propping him up on the table. Tony’s posture was relaxed, open.

They were halfway into the game. Loki had more pieces, but that was only because Tony had sacrificed three of his pawns to take out some of Loki’s stronger pieces.

His eyes… that’s what was different. Loki almost moaned when he realized it.

Throughout the whole game Tony had never looked away from him, never looked at the board.

Loki felt his heart rate pick up. Everything felt so intense. Loki had been half hard before, but now he felt like he was instantly on the edge of coming.

Tony was watching him so closely. Tony never looked at him like that. He barely glanced at him, but now…

“It’s your move, Bambi,” Tony said in a monotone. The cigarette loosely held between his fingers had already burned to the filter, completely ignored, completely disregarded in favor of watching Loki.

The god was suddenly hyperaware of what he was wearing, his standard tight jeans, a dark turquoise v-neck sweater, and a green ribbon pulling his hair out of the way.

He felt self-conscious.

Tony had never looked at him like this before.

There was an almost hungry glint in his eyes, predatory.

Loki wanted to both hide and to lay himself bare as a willing sacrifice for whatever caused Tony to look at him that way.

“Bambi, make your move.” Tony’s words were simple and straight forward, but Loki could hardly hear them over his pounding heart.

“I can’t,” Loki finally said, his mouth dry and hands trembling. Tony arched an eyebrow in question, but remained silent. “If I move- Tony, I just need you so much right now!” Loki’s eyes were starting to water and he was so embarrassed, but he couldn’t stop himself from bringing his knees up to his chest. Tony didn’t respond and Loki shut his eyes tightly, trying to regain control of himself.

“You’re so fucking frustrating,” Tony said after what felt like an eternity. Loki held himself tighter, keeping his eyes closed, afraid of what expression he’d see on Tony’s face.

“I’m sorry,” Loki whispered.

“Stop apologizing,” Tony said harshly, making Loki cringe. “You’re so stupid.” Loki’s knuckles turned white as he held himself tighter. “How can you be in love with me?” Tony asked while standing up. “All I do is use people.” Loki could feel him looming over him. “And you just fucking take it.” He was so close, Loki could almost feel the warmth coming off of him, but he was too scared to open his eyes. “I wanted us to play chess so that you could gain back a bit of that self-worth you once had. You’re holding your own when I can have most people checkmated in a few turns. You’re not some useless piece of shit that you seem to think you are. Do you know how fucking hard it is for me to concentrate on other things when I know you’re here waiting for me, ready for anything I want to do to you?” Warm hands grabbed him by his shoulders and lifted him up. Loki looked away from him as his body uncoiled.

“What is it that you want me to say?” Loki asked softly.

“It’s questions like that that just make me want to hurt you and myself,” Tony said, his hands fisting in Loki’s sweater. Loki’s eyes went wide and he finally looked at the engineer.

“No! Please, Tony! Don’t hurt yourself, especially not because of me.” Without thinking Loki threw his arms around Tony pulling him into a hug. Tony’s posture went ridged, but when Loki wasn’t pushed away he took that as encouragement. “I don’t want you to ever hurt. I just want you to be happy.” Loki was almost startled when Tony wrapped his arms around him, pulling him even closer.

“Oddly enough you annoy me the least of all people in this whole freaking world right now,” Tony mumbled against Loki’s shoulder. The god felt his heart soar. “You’ve grown up so much. I’m proud of you.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” Loki responded, only speaking the truth.

The pinging of the elevator broke whatever balance there was between them. Tony pushed Loki away and turned towards the elevator.

Pepper appeared around the corner, for once not looking perfectly prim. She was wearing a dark wig, sweat pants, and a plain t-shirt.

“You could have at least picked me up yourself,” Pepper said, her voice emotionless as she pulled off the wig and dropped it and a pair of sunglasses onto the ground. Her eyes were rimmed pink and she crossed her arms over her chest, clutching her arms. Tony walked over to her, kissing her on the cheek. She seemed unaffected.

“Let’s go to bed, Pep. Everything will be better in the morning,” Tony said softly, brushing away a stray tear from her cheek.

“Better for whom? You? Better for me? Better for _us_?” Pepper hugged herself, taking a step away from Tony. “The only reason you care about _him_ ,” Pepper looked pointedly at Loki, “is because he’s totally dependent on you. I hope you can see the irony.”


	31. Chapter 31

Whatever had transpired that night Loki did not know. After Ms. Potts came back Tony had followed her to their room. He heard no noises come from their room and quickly retreated to his own, fearing that whatever had Ms. Potts in such a state could be turned against him.

She didn’t leave their room for three days. Tony faithfully brought her meals, all of which were ordered in despite Loki offering to make them. The engineer could scarcely look at him and their game of chess sat unfinished in the living room.

Loki’s hours at the center had been extended due to Christmas being just two days away. Children were on winter vacation so there were even more kids coming to his classes. The center was also doubling as a homeless shelter at night so after the children were picked up Loki was tasked with setting up cots and blankets.

He didn’t get back to the tower until just past sunset. Tony was never there and neither was Ms. Potts. He had already finished his gift for Tony.

“Jarvis,” Loki called out while looking at the falling snow.

“How may I be of service?” Jarvis asked, his tone perfectly cordial.

“Should I get Ms. Potts something for Christmas?”

“I would advise against it. She does not want any unnecessary reminders of you at this point.”

“Did I do something wrong?” Loki started tracing his finger over the cold glass of the window, trails of ice forming in his wake.

“Not everything is your fault, this being a prime example.” There was almost a hint of a smile Jarvis’ voice.

“Is there anything I can do to make it better?”

“Staying out of sight is probably for the best,” Jarvis advised.

“Will she be back tonight? Will Tony?”

“Ms. Potts won’t be back for two more days. Sir is currently sleeping in the lab. I estimate he won’t be up for another four hours.”

Loki continued tracing random little pictures on the window, not knowing what to do with himself. He wasn’t tired despite being around so many people for almost half the day. He’d already started the preparations for dinner before he headed to work.

The landing pad and gantry system was automatically cleared of snow by Jarvis, but the rest of the balcony was covered in at least two feet.

“Are any of the Avengers expected to stop by anytime soon?”

“Not to my knowledge.”

Loki slipped outside, not bothering to put on anything over his loose workout clothes. The snow crunched softly under his bare feet. He plopped down carelessly and made one of the ‘snow angles’ he had seen on some of the Christmas movies that ran nonstop this time of year. Clumps of snow stuck in his hair.

Snowflakes were falling from the dark night sky and Loki decided he didn’t mind how they felt brushing against his skin.

He let the glamour Odin placed on him drop… if only just to feel the difference.

The snow felt… warm and soft, like it was embracing him- a childhood blanket.

His frost was spreading outwards though, hardening the snow, making it brittle and uncomfortable.

He let his glamour fall back in place, sitting back up. Now his snow angel looked fragile, so easily broken, just like him.

The rest of the snow was untouched and pristine.

In the movies children were always making snowmen. They didn’t do that in Asgard. On the rare occasions that it snowed the Aesir children would build fortifications and try to conquer each other’s fort. They threw snowballs at each other, then years later would make fun of Loki for throwing spells in the same manner.

Loki wanted to make a snowman. He briefly debated whether to use his bare hands or magic. After toeing at the snow he decided to use his bare hands and only use magic for the finishing touches.

He would make a snowman that looked like Tony’s most recent Iron Man suit, or at least what Loki remembered of it.

He had spent enough time with the artisan elves on Alfheim to understand how statues had to have their weight grounded. He had seen them create masterpieces out of stone, surely he could make a good Snow Iron Man.

He was quickly proven wrong.

Loki had the form right and even had the Snow Iron Man standing on two legs, but the details were so difficult and he couldn’t get the arms to stick.

After fumbling about for an hour Loki finally resigned himself to using his magic. He made the Snow Iron Man an ice skeleton and could build the arms around them. He had one arm raised, palm open as if Tony was about to blast an enemy.

Loki quickly went back inside, trailing slush behind him as he grabbed a tablet, finding a close up image of Tony’s face plate. Loki used his magic to fill in the details. The finishing touch was an upside down triangle made of perfectly clear ice that gleamed even in the dimmest light.

“What do you think, Jarvis?” Loki asked, his face flushed more from excitement than the actual cold.

“It is a work of art,” Jarvis said and Loki smiled, believing in his sincerity. “Sir, should be waking up soon. You may want to change into dry clothing and I would appreciate it if you brought him a meal. I daresay that he will just continue on with one of his projects once he awakens.”

“Of course.” Loki glanced at his creation and put a protection spell on it, just in case there was a powerful gust.

He quickly stripped down in his bathroom, drying his hair with a towel before slipping into lounge pants and an obnoxious Christmas sweater that had Santa and his elves all wearing sunglasses and swimsuits. He braided his hair back loosely so that a few wisps of hair were free.

Eyes bright, teeth clean, hair and clothing perfect.

Check, check, check, check.

He grinned at himself in the mirror before heading to the kitchen.

“Jarvis, does Tony like hot chocolate?” Loki asked as he began fixing himself a cup, mini-marshmallows and all.

“Yes, but without marshmallows and with a dash of chocolate liqueur.”

Loki put two mugs in the microwave before running over to the bar. He was well acquainted with where everything was, so he had a bottle of chocolate liqueur in hand before the microwave could even finish heating the milk.

He finished cooking the meal he had started earlier in the morning and had everything plated and on a tray soon enough. He hummed with the Christmas carols that he was certain Jarvis was only playing because Loki was the one in the elevator.

Loki couldn’t help but grin. He had never been this excited for any sort of festival or holiday before. On Asgard they were always so ceremonial and Loki had to play his part as the ‘second prince’.

But this Christmas was different. He’d be spending it with Tony, or at least the first half of it with Tony, and the night before, all snuggled up at his side. Loki could hardly wait.

The elevator opened and the security door to the lab was open. As Loki expected Tony was on a dingy cot that was far below his standing. The lights slowly came on and Tony groaned. Loki used a spell to waft the scent of fresh food over to the engineer.

Tony slowly sat up.

“It’s too early in the morning to be smiling,” Tony said, his voice raspy.

“It’s just after midnight, Sir. You’ve been sleeping for approximately 18 hours,” Jarvis reported dutifully.

“Whatever.” Tony scrubbed both hands over his face. He looked back at Loki again. “Please tell me that’s coffee.” Loki’s smile fell. Of course he’d want coffee. Breakfast wasn’t breakfast without coffee for Tony Stark.

“No- I’m sorry. I can go make you some right now-” Loki quickly put down the tray of food and turned to head back upstairs.

“It’s fine, Bambi. Whatever you made is fine.” Tony yawned wide and loudly. Loki hesitantly went back to the tray, taking it over to him.

“Hot chocolate with chocolate liqueur,” Loki murmured, “and spaghetti. I hope it’s alright.” Tony plucked the piece of garlic bread off the tray, patting the spot beside him on the cot as he leaned back to eat, not caring in the least about the crumbs. Loki hesitated but quickly sat down while grabbing his own hot chocolate off the tray. He cupped it tightly to his chest, just happy to be so close to Tony.

“Jarvis, what do normal people talk about?” Tony asked between bites.

“Anecdotes pertaining to their daily lives with an emphasis on mutual friends and workplace experiences,” Jarvis explained.

“Hmm,” Tony responded before taking a sip of the spiked hot chocolate. “Good stuff,” he complimented and Loki beamed.

“I made something else for you too.” Loki blurted out and immediately regretted it. He suddenly realized how desperate and idiotic he would seem if Tony knew about-

“What did you make for me, Bambi?” Tony asked while reaching out to him before stopping short and cupping the mug of hot chocolate with both hands instead. The engineer frowned slightly. “What did you make?” His tone was much more subdued, making Loki feel even more self-conscious than usual.

“A Snow Iron Man.” Loki looked away from him. He took a sip, trying to hide his blush.

“A what?” There was the sound of laughter in Tony’s voice, relaxing Loki slightly yet making him feel even more embarrassed.

“On the TV… I saw people making snowmen, so I made a snowman in the shape of one of you suits,” Loki mumbled. Tony set aside his tray of food, still holding his hot chocolate in one hand.

“Well let’s go see it,” Tony said while standing. His back cracked a few times as he stretched.

“It’s stupid.” Loki began squirming. “I shouldn’t have-”

“You’re the artistic type who grew up with a bunch of jocks.” Loki was startled when he felt Tony squeeze his shoulder. “Don’t be embarrassed about your creations.” Tony began heading towards the elevators and Loki had no choice but to follow him.

“That’s not why I’m embarrassed,” Loki said under his breath.

“Then why are you embarrassed?” Tony asked without looking back at him. The elevator doors opened automatically as Loki contemplated his answer. They stood side by side as the elevator ascended. He gnawed on his lip, staring at his bare feet. “I know you think you’re in love with me-”

“I am in love with you.” Both Loki and Tony were surprised by the conviction in Loki’s voice. Tony let out a slow sigh that just made Loki feel devastated. “I’m embarrassed because I don’t want you to think I’m even more of a freak and loser.”

The soft humming of the elevator was the only thing that broke the silence. Loki’s muscles began to coil with tension and he was close to breaking his mug of hot chocolate.

“You know I don’t think you’re either of those things.” Tony bumped his shoulder against Loki’s arm as he exited the elevator. After a moment’s hesitation Loki scurried to follow him before the elevator doors could close. “Let me put on some proper winter clothes so I can admire your work of art.” Tony disappeared down the hallway before Loki could say anything.

He set aside his drink.

Once again Loki looked down at his bare feet, stray thoughts of his disgusting origins coming to mind. A Jotun and a human together… it really was a stupid and impossible idea. Even if Loki wasn’t… Loki, the concept of them ever being together- of a hero ever being with a monster was silly.

When Tony walked back into the living room Loki was so engulfed in his own thoughts that the hand to his shoulder startled him enough to make him jump. Tony let out a huff of a laugh.

“Come on, you spooked deer,” Tony said while tightening the hood of his plush coat. It always made Loki grin, seeing him in such fluffy clothing. “Don’t give me that doe-eyed look.”

Tony placed his hand on the small of Loki’s back, guiding him outside. Jarvis opened the door automatically for them and Tony immediately went over to the snow sculpture and let out a low whistle. Loki blushed.

He wanted to make the whole thing disappear into the rest of the snow.

“It’s really nothing-”

“Bullshit. You’re talented.” Loki cringed before feeling his chest flutter.

“It doesn’t matter. I cheated and used magic.”

“How is that cheating?” Tony moved closer to the snow suit.

“Well, because magic is…” Loki wasn’t sure how to word his response. He was surprised when Tony pulled him into a hug. Loki stood stiffly at first before returning the hug.

“Do you think me using technology is cheating?” Tony asked while still holding onto the god.

“No.” Loki said softly while holding back rubbing his face against Tony’s like some desperate cat.

“Then why would your magic be cheating?” Tony slowly released him and Loki didn’t know what to say. Tony stared at him for a moment before grinning widely and changing the subject. “Come on. Let’s go build a snow couch and then share a bottle of whiskey.”


	32. Chapter 32

Before she left for business Loki had been hiding from Ms. Potts as best he could, but some encounters were too random to anticipate.

The way she looked at him… There was so much pity and hatred in her light blue eyes, yet it was different than any other look anyone had given him before.

It didn’t affect him the way those sort of looks usually did. Instead of feeling lust he felt… sad.

There was also an edge of pain. She stepped away from him like she was seeing a ghost.

The way Tony and Ms. Potts interacted was different too. His touches were soft, almost hesitant. She either couldn’t or wouldn’t meet his eyes, yet sunk into his embrace.

Finally it was Christmas Eve and Loki was ecstatic to spend the night with Tony. The engineer was currently in the shower, having spent most of the day in his lab with Bruce. Loki had been a bit jealous at first, but then remembered that he’d have Tony all to himself for the evening and morning.

Loki was making one of Tony’s favorites, a hamburger made from the best ingredients. French fries, fresh and crisp with the perfect amount of salt. Ketchup in a small dipping bowl on the side. Cole slaw with a bit of Cajun spice sprinkled in it.

It was all a bit too heavy for Loki’s taste, but Tony enjoyed it, which was all that mattered. Loki made himself a simple soup.

The rarely used dining room table was set up nicely. Loki had debated on adding candles, but figured that would be too romantic and possibly make Tony uncomfortable. Just as the meal had come together Tony walked out of his room. His hair was still wet and his beard was perfectly sculpted. There was a small knick on the underside of his chin. Loki wanted to heal it, but figured he’d be denied if asked.

“Looks good.” Tony sat in front of the hamburger, knowing Loki would never make him soup.

“Hopefully it tastes as good as it looks,” Loki whispered to himself while sitting beside Tony at the round table.

“You haven’t made a meal that I haven’t liked- well accept for that rice and squid, but that doesn’t count since it was one of your first experiments.” Loki blushed at the memory. He had been so excited that he’d forgotten to taste it before giving it to Tony.

The engineer took a big bite without hesitation. Before Loki could ask if it was any good Tony was already dipping two fries into ketchup. Loki relaxed and began eating his meal, glancing every so often at Tony who was enjoying his meal quite loudly. Loki grinned to himself.

If only he could make Tony that happy all the time…

They ate in relative silence.

Over the scent of the freshly cooked food he could smell Tony’s body wash- the same kind that Loki had secretly bought with his saving account just for when he masturbated in the shower. Loki blushed at just how much of a desperate fool he was.

Despite being a (former) house whore and (hopefully) one again he was still here. And Tony accepted him when no one else ever did or would. Tony said that this was his home for as long as he wanted to stay.

He was home and tonight he was going to sleep in the same bed as the man he loved.

Loki could hardly contain himself and Tony seemed to sense it, chuckling ever so often when they made eye contact.

“You know, Bambi, my ego was already big before you came along. The way you look at me only makes it grow bigger.”

“I’m sor-” Loki cut himself off, knowing how much Tony hated it when he apologized about every little thing. Tony gave him a teasing yet questioning look. Loki took in a slow breath, trying to clear his mind. “I fear that if it gets much bigger even the tower won’t be able to contain it.” There was a brief pause before Tony burst out laughing. It wasn’t the wittiest or the funniest thing Loki had ever said, but the fact that it made Tony happy was all Loki could ever hope for.

“I love when you get all sassy,” Tony said before taking another bite of his hamburger. Loki let out a little squeak as his face turned as red as the cranberry juice he was drinking. Tony had never used the word love in reference to Loki in the same sentence in a positive manner… ever. “Calm down. I don’t want you to bust a brain vessel.” Loki drank the rest of his juice before quickly excusing himself to refill it and compose himself in the kitchen. He heard Tony laugh at his retreating form, only making Loki blush harder.

Loki’s hand was shaking as he poured himself more juice. This was silly. He was already feeling overwhelmed by emotions and the night had only just started.

When he went back to the dining room he brought a decorative tray of cupcakes with him, each frosted with at least three colors because Loki thought rainbows were one of the prettiest things in all the realms.

“You like cooking, don’t you?” Tony asked while plucking a cupcake that was frosted light purple, blue, and green off the tray. He began licking the frosting off because he was a heathen.

“Of course. It’s fun,” Loki answered without looking at Tony. Instead he slowly unwrapped one of his cupcakes, abandoning his half-finished soup. He’d chosen orange, pink, and red one with a dollop of white in the middle.

“What’s your favorite thing to make?” Loki glanced at Tony again before quickly looking away. Honestly, who ate the frosting first before even biting into the cupcake?

“Bread. I like watching the dough rise.” Loki nibbled at his cupcake. “I also like how its subtle smell fills the whole penthouse.”

“You like watching dough rise?” There was laughter in Tony’s voice, but for once Loki didn’t feel embarrassed.

“You like tripping Dum-E. I’ve seen you do it,” Loki accused while purposefully looking up and to the side.

“Hey, what happens in the lab stays in the lab. Besides I wasn’t tripping him. I was testing his reflexes. There’s a difference.” Tony took a big bite of his cupcake as if that somehow proved a point.

“Were you also testing his reflexes when you kicked that wrench right into his path last week?” Loki asked slyly. Tony almost choked on his cupcake.

“I thought you were asleep when I did that,” he finally said after coughing and taking a swig of his scotch.

“I was just enjoying being around you.”

Tony snorted.

“Dum-E makes the funniest noises when he’s distressed,” Tony mumbled, “but let’s change the subject. Have you ever made a pillow fort before?” Loki’s eyes lit up.

“No! Can we?” Loki had seen them many times in movies and on TV, but figured he’d look childish and stupid if he tried to build one.

“Sure, that’s why I suggested it.” Tony stood while shoving the rest of his cupcake in his mouth. “We’ll need all the spare sheets we can find, pillows of course, some yarn couldn’t hurt, and bring the cupcakes.”

Loki quickly followed behind him, setting the tray of cupcakes on the bar as they went to Tony’s room. The engineer quickly stripped the bed and tossed the pillows to Loki. The god buried his face in them, unable to hold back his grin and happiness.

They stopped at a small closet in the hallway and Tony pulled out a stack of fresh sheets. There were already a ton of blankets in the basket in the living room. They dropped their items on one of the couches before heading to Loki’s room.

The god was always a bit embarrassed when Tony went to his room since it always look so feminine with a ton of knitted blankets and knickknacks.

“Which yarns do you like the least?” Tony asked while heading to the chest at the foot of Loki’s bed. Of course he knew that’s where Loki stored his bundles of yarn. Loki quickly joined him and felt a flutter in his chest as their shoulders brushed against each other. Loki grabbed three bundles one in orange, another brown, and the last transitioned between different colors. Tony grabbed Loki’s pillow, but nothing else off his bed. “We should do this the good old fashion way, no technology or magic, just our hands.” Loki nodded willing to agree with just about anything Tony said.

Loki giggled as he started to unfold the sheets. Tony grinned at him as he started moving the coffee table. Loki quickly went to help him, but frowned when he saw their unfinished game of chess. He quickly hid his expression and helped lift the table to the far side of the room.

He couldn’t think about that right now, about that strange night. He had to stay in the present, stay in this perfect moment.

“What do we do first?” Loki asked, distracting himself.

“Whatever we want.” Tony glanced around. “I’m thinking we can have a circus tent top… J, deploy turret A-7.” Tony bumped against Loki on purpose. “This definitely doesn’t count as cheating.” The seamless ceiling right in the middle of the living room dipped slightly until a thick gun protruded from the ceiling.

“Has that always been there?” Loki asked. He had spent countless hours staring at that ceiling yet hadn’t noticed a thing.

“I installed them when you were in Asgard.” Tony shrugged and Loki bit his lip. The machine looked deadly. “Don’t worry. Jarvis controls them and he likes you too much to use them on you.” Tony winked at him and Loki was at a loss for words. “Come on. This fort isn’t going to build itself.” Tony began pulling off couch cushions. “Huh, that’s where that went,” Tony mumbled while grabbing a pair of keys from between the cushions and tossing them in the direction of the kitchen.

Loki smiled and began weaving a rope with the yarn. Jarvis started playing soft Christmas music, much to Loki’s delight. He whispered the lyrics under his breath while watching Tony flit around the room, setting up cushions and moving different chairs.

After creating a fairly long rope Loki snipped it (with his hands instead of using magic). He tied it to the corner of one of the sheets before tossing the other end of the rope over the turret and using it to hoist the sheet up.

“Like this?” Loki asked while admiring his work. Tony walked over to his side and let out a low whistle.

“Perfect.” Tony squeezed Loki’s arm briefly before going to secure the blanket to a couch with a few pillows. Loki felt himself blush as he scurried to tie off the rope onto a foot of a chair. He repeated the process and Tony layered the two sheets so no light penetrated their fort. Loki raised another sheet and let out a squeak as some of the pillows securing the first sheet fell. Tony quickly jumped over a few cushions then crawled between two chairs to fix it. “Crisis averted!” Loki let out a sigh of relief. “I’m getting a cupcake. You want a cupcake?”

“Yes please,” Loki said while tying off another rope. A fourth of the canopy was still missing, letting in the dim light outside. It was snowing again.

Tony crawled back in, somehow holding two cupcakes without dropping them.

He began licking the one with orange, green, and blue frosting while handing over the other to Loki. They both sat under the partially-finished canopy. Loki was humming as he nibbled at his cupcake, unable to look at Tony. He had too many memories of what that tongue could exactly do to look at it without thinking very dirty thoughts, thoughts that could possibly ruin their night. Loki reminded himself about the No Sex Policy.

Instead Loki looked out the window trying to stay calm even though he felt like he was dreaming. Tony tossed his wrapper out of their half built fort while Loki still wasn’t even a third of the way done eating his cupcake.

“Take your time,” Tony said when Loki began to take a big bite. Tony disappeared back out of the small entrance and Loki admired his bum as he went. He blushed again and brought his knees up to his chest. He breathed in and out slowly, centering himself. He really didn’t want to ruin tonight.

Loki flinched when a ton of pillows were suddenly thrown into the fort from where he hadn’t put the canopy up yet. He heard Tony chuckle and Loki hid his face in his knees, his cheeks starting to hurt from smiling so much. He pulled his hair back with a green ribbon before going back to weaving a rope with yarn.

By the time Loki put the final sheet up Tony had returned with more pillows, knitted blankets from Loki’s room, the platter of cupcakes, and a bottle of scotch.

“It’s dark,” Loki said softly while looking at the sloped canopy. “Is it alright if I…” Loki looked at his empty hands then back to Tony.

“Do your thing, Houdini.” For once Loki got the reference. Green sparks started appearing in his open hands. He could feel Tony’s eyes on him. The glints of light rose up, dotting the canopy of sheets. He carefully placed each one as Tony laid on his back and watched. “Constellations?” Loki grinned and nodded.

“Alfheim in midsummer,” He explained simply before lying down next to Tony while pulling a knitted blanket over the both of them. The engineer held his arm out slightly and Loki quickly snuggled up to him, remembering that they didn’t have a No Cuddle Policy. “This one’s name,” a series of glint grew brighter, “actually has an interesting story behind it.”

“Do tell…” Tony said. Loki could hear a bit of fatigue in his voice, but not boredom. Loki nuzzled against him before starting to tell him the story. It wasn’t long after that they were both yawning, Loki falling deeper into Tony’s arms as he turned onto his side. Slowly the pair fell asleep in the pillow fort and under the starts of Alfheim.


	33. Chapter 33

When Loki woke up he was encompassed in a warmth that he knew he couldn’t produce naturally. He could smell Tony. They were spooning and for once Loki was the big spoon. He couldn’t decide if he liked being the big or little spoon more. Both had their positive aspects. As the little spoon he could feel Tony’s soft breaths and wiggle against him in hopes of getting him hard. As the big spoon he could hug Tony as much as he wanted to and bury his face against him.

“Mm, Merry Christmas,” Tony mumbled, pulling the blankets a bit tighter around them.

“Merry Christmas!” Loki kept his voice quiet, but couldn’t hide his excitement. He moved a bit closer to Tony, plastering himself to his back and breathing in his scent.

“Cold nose,” Tony complained when Loki started nuzzling his neck. Loki pulled back slightly, once again cursing his heritage.

“Sorry.” Loki felt his eyes watering up. It hadn’t even been a full minute and he was already ruining Christmas.

“Calm down.” Tony tangled his hand with Loki’s, bringing him even closer. “You can warm your nose on my shoulder if you want.” Loki hesitated before nudging against him again, pushing his shirt down slightly finding even warmer skin. Tony tensed up slightly and Loki grinned. “J, what time is it?”

“10:17 in the morning, Sir. Surprisingly early for you.” Jarvis’ voice was muted.

“Good, we still have a bit of time.” Tony yawned loudly. Loki was glad he was the big spoon so Tony couldn’t see his goofy smile. Tony squeezed Loki’s hand once before releasing it and uncurling. Loki scooted back, giving him room. Tony stretched, laying on his stomach and reaching out with both hands. Loki’s eyes followed the movement. He wisped his magic out, gently pulling the bottle and cupcakes towards them. “Scotch and cupcakes, the breakfast of champions.”

Loki looked away as Tony began licking the dry frosting. He mirrored Tony’s position, laying on his stomach and looking at the pattern of a blanket he had made shortly after Tony had given him the knitting set. Gifts… Loki felt a little thrill shoot through him. He was so excited to give Tony his gift.

Tony uncorked his scotch before taking a swig and handing it over to Loki. The god took a sip, not really caring for the taste. The cupcakes were still yummy, despite staying out all night. He was a bit proud of himself for that.

After eating one he buried his face in blankets, blushing. He felt Tony’s fingers briefly run through his hair. Loki peeked over at him, face still half buried and blazing.

“Merry Christmas, Loki.” Tony’s eyes were bright, playful.

“You already said that,” Loki mumbled, hiding his face again.

“Merry Christmas, Loki,” Tony repeated, moving a bit closer. Loki pulled the blanket up, hiding himself completely.

“Stop saying that.” He felt like he might just burst into flames if he kept saying his name. An arm wrapped around his waist and pulled him close.

“Merry Christmas, Loki.” The god let out a squeak. “Let me see your face.”

“No, I look like a tomato.” Loki pushed his face further into the fluffy pillows. He felt Tony sneak a hand under the blankets and into Loki’s hair. The god wasn’t certain if he wanted Tony to pull his hair or run his fingers through it. He ended up playing with the stray curls, twisting them lightly. For some reason that made Loki blush even more.

“Loki,” Tony sang his name. “You have such soft hair. I like your blush. I think I got you the perfect gift.”

“Gift?” He still didn’t look up.

“Yup, but you can’t open it until I’m at the charity banquet with the rest of the Avengers.”

“You’re teasing me,” Loki accused. He heard the clinking of the bottle of scotch being put down.

“Nope, I made and wrapped it myself.” Loki finally looked over at him.

“I made you a gift too.” He really hoped that Tony wouldn’t hate it.

“I’m sure I’ll love it,” Tony said, somehow reading Loki’s mind. Tony stretched again before rolling onto his back. Loki mimicked the movement. His stars had faded away during the night.

Tony let out a sigh that made Loki frown.

“It’s almost time for you to go, isn’t it?” Loki whispered.

“Yeah, and we have to take this all down. It’s a shame.” Tony reached up. The sloped sheets were just out of his reach. Loki pushed off his blanket causing Tony to glance over him.

“I’ll take care of it. You go get ready.” Loki’s smile was fragile and he was certain Tony could see right through him. Tony snorted while rolling his eyes obnoxiously.

“We built this together. We’ll take it down together.”

“That’s not necessary—” Tony shot him a knowing look and Loki snapped his mouth shut, blushing all over again.

Loki began untying the different sheets that were strung up while Tony removed the pillows that were holding them in place.

Loki could easily just use his magic to take it all down at once and send the sheets to the laundry room. They both knew that, but this was so much better. It was just a little more time… a little more time before reality set back in.

It had been the perfect night. Even though they didn’t have sex it had been perfect.

He wouldn’t change a single second of it.

And their eyes kept meeting from opposite sides of the living room. Loki bit his lip, trying not to grin too much. Tony was horrible at folding blankets. If anything he was making it worse. Once the vast majority of everything was down Loki bumped Tony aside softly, taking a half folded blanket from his hands.

“Go, you’re making a mess,” Loki said while easily folding the plush blanket neatly. Tony mumbled something indecipherable and Loki gave him a questioning look. Tony grabbed one of the pillows before heading to his room. Loki pursed his lips trying not to laugh.

Once he heard the shower he let out a long sigh. It was over.

So perfect.

Loki brought one of the blankets up to his face, breathing in Tony’s scent. He’d use this one for his bed. He transported it there before going back to the other assorted sheets, blankets, cushions, and pillows. He had already collected all the yarn, leaving them woven. He’d hide them in the back of his closet for the next time he was feeling down and needed a reminder of the good times.

He piled up the sheets before sending them to the laundry room. The yarn blankets would have to be washed carefully in cold water. He didn’t worry too much about the other blankets. They were all store bought. He patted off most of the pillows and cushions. Thankfully he had washed the floors the day before to calm his nerves.

He quickly started the wash before going to his room to get Tony’s gift. Jarvis had been kind enough to order a few rolls of Christmas paper for Loki to choose from. He’d chosen\ green wrapping paper that had reindeer dancing on it. He fiddled with the bow briefly before brushing his teeth, washing his face, and heading to the kitchen.

Tony would probably want some sort of snack before he headed to the charity banquet. Loki thought it was silly that a charity event would be this early in the day, but he understood that most people wanted to have Christmas dinner with their family. Tony’s family was Ms. Potts and the Avengers.

In a particular moment of masochism Loki had asked Jarvis to show him an image of the communal floor. It was beautiful. The tree was decorated with the strangest ornaments. Postcards, oddly woven strings, broken arrows, a screwdriver, jean buttons, and at the very top was a black eye patch covered in glitter. The gifts under the tree were wrapped in all different manners. A few were still in shopping bags, others were wrapped immaculately, some were wrapped in newspaper, others in decorative bags, and quite a few were just covered with a blanket.

Loki wished he could be part of it, but knew he’d just ruin the whole thing.

When Tony came into the kitchen he looked devilishly handsome in a suit that was simpler than his usual. He had a gift wrapped in glossy red paper under his arm and Loki really hoped it was for him. His own gift was sitting on the counter next to the freshly cooked brunch.

“You’re a life saver,” Tony said while pulling out a stool and setting down the gift. Loki sat down next to him as they both ate their omelets, Loki’s with egg whites, spinach, and other vegetables. Tony’s with bacon, onions, and hash browns. Tony ate quickly and drank most of his coffee in one gulp before standing and popping in a stick of gum. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Loki mumbled while moving around bits of his meal with his fork. He was feeling both nervous and sad. Tony leaned over and gave him a quick kiss on the forehead, startling the god.

“Merry Christmas, Loki. Open it when I get to the charity banquet, alright?” Loki nodded in response, still too stunned to speak. Loki took in a deep breath before giving Tony his gift. “Nice paper,” Tony commented before he began opening it. Loki closed his eyes as he waited. Tony’s clear laughter brought a smile to Loki’s face. “You really are something else.” Tony examined the scarf with the golden Iron Man face plate at each end. The rest of the scarf was the same bright red as his suit. “I think I’ll wear it to the event.” He looped the scarf before pulling both ends through the loop, making the faceplate centered over his suit. Loki’s face lit up with both happiness and embarrassment.

“You don’t have to—”

“I want to,” Tony said, cutting him off as he smoothed out the finely knitted scarf. “Thank you, Loki.”

“You’re welcome.” Loki couldn’t look at him as he spoke. A warm hand on his shoulder made him look up.

“Remember to wait to open your gift, alright?”

“Of course.” Loki quickly grabbed the two plates, to give his hands something to do and keep away temptation. Tony chuckled again as he pulled on a heavy overcoat. He gave a brief wave as he pulled on gloves and walked to the elevator. When Loki heard the elevator doors close his eyes landed on the gift. “Jarvis, is there any networks covering the event.” In response the TV in the living room turned on. “Thank you.”

Loki carefully picked up the present. It was too heavy and hard to be any sort of clothing. He refrained from groping it to get more clues as he sat down in the living room. There was no sign of their pillow fort any more, even the turret in the ceiling had been retracted seamlessly.

Jarvis kept the TV on mute which Loki was thankful for. He hated reporters almost as much as Tony did.

Various celebrities filtered into the event. Almost twenty minutes later the crowd suddenly got more excited and Jarvis turned the volume back on. The reporter was ranting about how the limousine had the Stark Industries logo as its hood ordainment as it pulled up.

The first one to exit, of course, was Tony. He was holding peace sign up and the scarf Loki had made him was quite visible. Loki felt all warm inside and he almost forgot his gift until the camera panned over to Steve Rogers.

Loki quickly lost interest and Jarvis turned the volume down to a dull murmur. Carefully he pulled away the paper revealing the back of a book. He flipped it over and his breath was caught in his throat.

_101 Reasons Why You’re Important to Me_

Loki’s fingers brushed over the words as tears clouded his vision. Before he could open it there was a muted explosion from the city followed by another from the TV. Loki’s heart froze when onscreen Tony was sprawled out awkwardly, his whole right side torn open and gushing out blood. Without thinking Loki teleported to his side in an instant.


	34. Chapter 34

Loki gasped and almost coughed at the overwhelming scent of blood and fire. He instantly went to work healing the gaping wound on Tony’s left side, the side he had been laying on in their pillow fort as they spooned. It was complex work and a spell he hadn’t performed in centuries. He was so focused that he couldn’t hear the sound of panic around him or the sirens that were blaring.

He felt so helpless, yet determined, more determined than he had ever felt in his two millenniums of life. He could do this. He _had_ to do this.

But there was so much blood and Tony wasn’t moving.

If he lost him… Loki didn’t want to be alone, not that that would even matter. He knew the shock of losing Tony like this would either kill him or leave him catatonic, unable to cope with the reality of Tony being gone.

A sudden force knocked him sideways, but that didn’t prevent him from continuing his spell, it just made him slower. Again he was bashed, this time from behind and with something metal, but he refused to look away from Tony, to use even one ounce of concentration on anything other than him. Someone tried to pull his arms behind his back, but he did not budge. He was a god after all.

Then there was a familiar roar and he felt his whole body being lifted and his insides crushed, but he couldn’t stop. He held back a flinch every time one of his ribs cracked loudly, breaking. He couldn’t breathe and his vision was fading, but magic was still cascading from his fingers, knitting together Tony’s side just as he had knitted so many blankets.

Soon all he could see was his own bloodied fingers, strands of green magic fading until there was nothing and he was no more.

* * *

Loki woke up to the sickening feeling of poison being pumped into his veins and restraints holding him down. He gasped desperately, his eyes rolling open then promptly closing. It was too bright to be Tony’s penthouse or the center, and it was too warm to be outside.

His mind snapped to reality as he remembered exactly what had happened and what the clichéd beeping he was hearing meant.

Tony!

He would have shouted his name, but thankfully he kept it in.

The beeping picked up. Loki took in a deep breath through his nose trying to calm down. Where ever he was… he couldn’t let them know that he’d been living in Tony’s household. It was the least he could do to repay Tony. If he was still alive Loki wasn’t going to get him into trouble.

Loki tried to sense him, but whatever was being injected into his veins made using his magic nearly impossible.

He could sense someone else in the room though, dark and silent. A threat, but Loki was too helpless to do anything about it.

Tony’s words from over a year ago came to mind.

_I know you’re not usually strong and confident, but that’s exactly what I need you to be…_

He didn’t know if the love of his sinfully long life was still alive, but he had be strong and confident for him.

Strong and confident.

It would be his new mantra until he was either reunited with Tony or learned of his demise.

Strong and confident.

The heart rate monitor slowed its beeping.

Strong and confident.

He could do this.

Loki opened his eyes, his pupils quickly adjusting to the blinding light. The ceiling was plain panels probably with a crawl space above, a possible escape.

He took a deep breath, assessing his wounds. All of his fractured ribs were healed. That meant he had to be unconscious for at least a day and a half. His left femur had a hairline fracture. It would slow him down, but he could push aside that pain. It was nothing compared to the paralyzing fear of Tony possibly being dead.

Strong and confident.

He had to keep reminding himself of that.

There was a strap covering his forehead, keeping him from turning his head.

He felt and heard the other occupant of the room move closer to him, but still out of sight.

Strong and confident.

Loki didn’t allow his heart rate to quicken.

He detected the faint scent of bow wax.

“Hello Agent Barton. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.” Loki had no idea why he said that, but it felt right. The human was suddenly upon him and there was a glint of metal. There was a knife pressed to Loki’s throat, but he refused to react.

Strong and confident.

“What are you doing on my planet and what did you do to Tony?”

Loki’s heart sped up slightly. Clint asked what he did which implied that Loki’s healing spell had some effect, was still having an impact, that Tony was still alive.

Strong and confident.

Loki wasn’t certain how he should go about this.

Agent Barton was literally the worst person they could send to talk to him, excluding Thanos and the Other, but Loki refused to think of those two monsters.

“Where is my brother?” Loki finally asked after staring at the ceiling for a moment, ignoring Barton’s angry gaze. Thor knew he had been staying with Tony. If he was on earth he might just let that slip in order to get Loki better conditions.

“Why the hell should I tell you that?” The knife was pressed harder against his skin, yet not cutting him. Barton’s answer didn’t really tell him anything. Loki kept his gaze on the ceiling, allowing himself to think more clearly.

“An answer for an answer then. I’ll tell you what I’m doing here and you tell me where Thor is.”

“I’m more interested in what you did to Tony.”

Strong and confident.

“We’ll work up to that.” Loki grinned. The knife was removed and Loki was quickly backhanded. The straps did not allow his head to turn, making the impact worse, but hardly painful. Finally he met Barton’s eyes.

“Do we have a deal?” The knife was back, this time just barely breaking the skin.

“Only if I like your answer.” Barton eased up the pressure on the knife.

Strong and confident.

“I have been on earth since I took my leave of Asgard. I have been living here peacefully since then. I even have a job working with children,” Loki explained, keeping his voice even.

“Bull shit. We know you are in contact with Amora.” Loki had nearly forgotten about that considering it was the day of the ‘fridge incident’.

“I spoke to her once, warning her off since she was striking a little too close to home for my liking.” It was the truth. Tony was his home after all. “You have yet to answer my question, agent.” Barton chuckled darkly.

“Your big brother can’t save you. He’s in Asgard.” Loki didn’t let his relief show. He was still cloaked from Heimdall so unless the gatekeeper reported the attack it was unlikely that Thor would be coming back anytime soon.

“Who attacked you all?’

“Don’t play stupid. We know it was you.” A trickle of blood ran down the side of Loki’s neck.

Strong and confident.

The god arched one of his eyebrows in an almost sarcastic manner.

“Do you really think such an inelegant explosion is really my style?” Loki quirked his lips up into a smirk. Before Barton could respond a door out of Loki’s visual-field opened. Barton stood up straight and Loki assumed he sheathed his knife.

Strong and confident.

“Leave him be, Agent Barton.” Soon Director Fury walked into Loki’s field of vision. “We’ve brought in a professional.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important: Instead of updating next week on my regular schedule I'll be posting a one-shot to this series called Sign With Black Ink. I'll respond to comments on Monday with a remind and my usual commentary. *Throws two peace signs up* Love ya! Have a great week!


	35. Chapter 35

Loki’s gurney was pushed by a nondescript nurse. He was surrounded by armed agents, none of which would look at him. Loki really didn’t know what he was expecting. He was alone in this realm. Without Tony by his side nothing really mattered, but maybe, if he did his best he could get more information from SHIELD on Tony’s condition.

But he had to be careful, careful, careful.

The damn drugs they were using made his mind fuzzy.

He had to be smart. Tony once said that he could be a ‘slippery devil’ when he put his mind to it. He was certain that Thor must have told them plenty about his abilities after he first broke out of Asgard, but there was one tidbit he probably held back either because of shame or loyalty.

They didn’t know he was an ice monster.

Whatever they were putting into his veins couldn’t change that fact.

He’d have to be subtle though. Who knows how many eyes were watching him.

Loki had never tried to undo only one part of his glamour before. He could feel were the needle pierced his skin. If he could just turn that one spot Jotun-blue he might be able to freeze the poison or at the very least slow it down.

Loki could hear one agent whispering to another about how they should just kill him now before he escaped again, but he had to trust that they were all well trained and would follow their orders.

The room they wheeled him into looked exactly like the other one, from what he could see in his strapped down position, though there was no heart monitor this time. The agents left, but he could still sense someone in the room, someone new and that had the faint scent of sterile medical equipment about them.

Loki ignored the individual in favor of concentrating on freezing the poison.

He heard the buzzing of electricity jumping from one spot to another, and did his best not to flinch. So they were going to torture him. At least this time his captors would understand what he was screaming at them, not that he planned on telling SHIELD anything that could incriminate Tony or Ms. Potts.

This was Loki’s fault for getting caught. He should have been smart and disguised himself as a medic instead of carelessly teleporting in—

But Loki needed to concentrate right now, not scold himself for his one of many short comings.

Strong and confident.

Surely these humans could never be as bad as the Chitauri.

Another buzzing of electricity jumping disrupted Loki’s concentration, especially when it was paired with a dark chuckle.

Loki could feel too much of his glamour falling away from his arm and quickly pulled it close again, frustrated by his own incompetence.

He could do this. He knew he could. He was the best mage in all the realms. Even if panic was edging at his thoughts and his heart was breaking from not knowing if Tony was alright— He could do this. He had to, before he gave in under the pain of torture all over again.

“They tell me you’re a god,” the other individual in the room said, a man from the tenor of his voice. “I look forward to proving them wrong.” There was another buzzing noise and the lights dimmed slightly. “Damn it!” The human called out loudly and there was the clatter of something mechanical falling onto the floor and breaking.

Loki squeezed his eyes shut and concentrated on his arm. Finally he got a small patch of blue around the needle and instantly felt the poison slow down.

“Problem?” Loki asked while opening his eyes again. The human didn’t answer, instead Loki heard a phone ring. It was quickly silenced only to start ringing again.

“What is it?” the human asked in a frustrated tone. “Oh god, is she alright?” There was a pause and Loki could just barely make out the sound of someone talking on the other line. “No, no, no— I’ll be there right away. No, she needs police protection. Her crazy ex-boyfriend did this to her. He’s probably going to try and hurt her again. I’ll be there as soon as possible.” There was a beeping noise followed by seven others. “Joy Daycare? I need to pick up my son right away. There’s been an accident…” The human’s voice faded away as he left the room, his heavy boots echoing in the hallway.

Loki let out a sigh of relief, already feeling some of the poison’s effects dull. The sound of even more boots dispelled any sense of relief he had though. The sound of a gun being cocked back rang clearly in the room, making Loki briefly think of every cop drama he’d seen on TV. Just as he expected a muzzle of a gun was pressed to his forehead. What he wasn’t expecting was for it to be held by Director Fury.

“How the hell did you just do that?” Fury asked, his one eye narrowed threateningly.

“Your ‘professional’ seems to have quite the complex personal life. Should I be expecting a replacement anytime soon?”

“You smug son of a bitch—” The phone on Fury’s belt went off. He quickly grabbed it and threw it to the ground before shooting it twice, nearly deafening everyone in the room. “No more interruptions. You’re going to tell me what I want to know. What exactly did you do to Stark?” Loki remained silent, his eyes drifting to the ceiling. Just in the corner of his eye he could see a camera with a red light flickering on and off. The pattern was strange… “Are you listening to me?”

“No,” Loki answered honestly before he could stop himself. He was pistol whipped for his misstep.

Something about the pattern was almost familiar and made Loki want to whisper lyrics under his breath like he always did when— It was the same rhythm of the opening credits of his favorite reality TV show.

Maybe he wasn’t alone as he thought.

“I have my own advanced interrogation techniques and I’d be more than happy to show you them.” Fury holstered his gun, clearly a bad sign. Loki began humming the lyrics, trying to let Jarvis know that he saw him. “You think this is a game?” Fury asked, interrupting Loki.

“Quite the opposite actually.” Loki could do this. He had been acting for the majority of his life. This should be child’s play. “As I told Agent Barton I have been living in this realm peacefully for quite some time now.”

“I don’t believe you for a fucking second. Where were you living?” Fury pulled out a knife and slammed it just a centimeter away from Loki’s face. Before the god could fabricate a response the lights dimmed and another phone rang. “Don’t answer that!” Fury shouted at one of his agents.

Off in the distance Loki heard a familiar noise that usually filled him with dread, Ms. Potts’ confident gate, her heels sharply clicking on the ground with each step. Loki didn’t know what to think. He could understand Jarvis interrupting since he understood that Loki was Tony’s property and that any damage done upon him would only annoy the engineer. Ms. Potts though… Loki would think she’d be fine with—

Oh, she was just protecting Tony’s interests as well, but of course. How silly of Loki to think otherwise for even a second.

“Ma’am, you can’t be down here,” an agent said, but Ms. Potts’ steps never faltered.

“Fuck,” Fury whispered while pulling his knife out of the hard gurney. The door swung open, but Loki couldn’t see Ms. Potts or if anyone else he knew was there. Her familiar perfume wafted into the small room over the smell of gun powder and Loki’s own sickening sweat.

“How _shocking_ to see you here again, Ms. Potts,” Fury said while scowling.

“Tony never said you had a sense of humor.” Pepper walked up to the director, one hand on her hip while the other carried a stylish briefcase. “Don’t worry, director, I left my taser at home.”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing here?” His nose flared dangerously and he had a hand on the hilt of his gun.

“I’m here to collect an employee of Stark Industries as well as proprietary information that you have no legal claim over.” Ms. Potts walked out of Loki’s field of vision and he heard the sound of the briefcase being laid down then clicked open.

“If you’re going to claim some bullshit human right’s violations—”

“No, he isn’t human.” Loki felt his heart sink a bit. He didn’t know exactly what he was expecting. “He is an endangered species, the only one of his kind on the whole planet. An employee of Stark Industries, he has a worker’s visa granting him the right to be in the US, and he has proprietary information pertaining to SI—” There was the sound of metal hitting flesh and Loki could just see from the corner of his eye as Ms. Potts fell to the ground.

“You think some legal—” Loki lurched upwards, breaking most of his restraints. Fury wheeled around, raising his gun, but his movements were slow compared to some of the spars Loki partook in while living in Asgard. He disarmed him and quickly turned the gun around.

“No one hits Ms. Potts.” He pulled off the rest of the restraints from his legs while looking at the other agents who had drawn their guns. Loki pulled out the IV, thankful that his body had sweated out the majority of the poison already. He stood and offered Ms. Potts his free hand. He was surprised when she took it, though he didn’t let it show. He pushed her behind him, putting himself between her and the agents. “Is there anything in that briefcase that you need?” Loki asked, not taking his eyes off the director or agents.

“No.” He could hear the anger in her voice and almost shrunk away in fear, hoping he wasn’t the cause of it. He knew that if he got her mad— But he had to focus on the present.

“Good.” He started backing her up towards the door, not quite trusting himself to perform a teleportation spell just yet. “It’s as Ms. Potts said. I have a legal right to be in the US and have all the protections that any,” he paused, trying not to smile, “endangered species has, which includes not being taken from my natural habitat.” All those hours of watching Animal Planet were finally paying off.

He heard Ms. Potts open the door and he followed her out while walking backwards. The door closed and a mechanical lock bolted in place and there was immediately the sound of Fury shouting and trying to get the door open.

“This way,” Ms. Potts said while lowering his arm. She took the gun from his shaking hand and checked the chamber as well as the clip in an expert manner Loki had seen only happen on TV. She held it at her side as she began walking.

“The route to the elevator is clear.” Jarvis’ voice sounded from the overhead intercom, startling Loki.

“Thank you, Jarvis.” Her voice was business-like and emotionless, making Loki’s fear escalate.

“May I speak with you?” Loki asked softly. Ms. Potts glanced back at him and he couldn’t read her expression.

“Can it wait three minutes?” Loki bit his lip, but nodded none the less. “We’ll talk in the elevator.”

He followed closely behind her, trying to sense any threats in case he needed to protect Ms. Potts somehow. He was dying to know if Tony was alright, but Ms. Potts said three minutes.

And they were the longest three minutes of his very long life.

The elevator doors slid shut and Loki almost fell over due to sheer stress and the last of the poison in his veins.

“How is— please tell me—” Loki couldn’t get out the words as he started sobbing.

“Tony’s in a coma, but he’s going to be alright.” Pepper’s eyes were trained on the screen above the door that was showing them slowly pass different floors. “You need to keep it together. There’s a lot of SHIELD agents between here and home.”

“Home?” Loki asked weakly. Pepper glanced over at him.

“Home.” She nodded with a faint smile.


	36. Chapter 36

Loki leaned heavily on the railing in the elevator.

“I’m sorry—” he said right before suddenly vomiting up black bile. Ms. Potts moved backwards to avoid the pungent gush. “I’m sorry,” Loki repeated while wiping his mouth. He really hoped Ms. Potts and Jarvis wouldn’t tell Tony about this. He was already disgusting enough as is.

“It’s okay.” She held out a small pack of tissues from her pocket and Loki took one, careful not to touch her. He wiped off his mouth and chin and was just thankful none of it had gotten onto her shoes.

“I didn’t tell them anything—”

“Seriously Loki, we can talk about this later. I’m more worried about what’s going to be waiting for us on the ground floor.” She held the gun tighter. “I can’t believe he hit me.” Ms. Potts touched the side of her face. Her fair complexion was already starting to bruise. “Actually, I can believe it.”

“I’m sorry.” Loki began fidgeting as he held back his tears. This was all his fault. If Ms. Potts died because of him, Tony would never forgive him. “If you can find a safe place for me to rest for a little bit and maybe get some water I can teleport us back home,” he offered feebly.

“Jarvis, is there any place fitting that description?” There was a long silence and Loki stared up at the speaker. He felt the elevator lurch and change direction.

“There is a break room stocked with plenty of food and has a sufficient lock as well as a secondary exit.” The elevator came to a halt. “One moment please. I need to clear the area.” Loki faintly heard alarms going off. A few minutes later the doors opened to an empty hallway. There was no one in sight and the fire alarm was off. “Straight down the hallway, take the first left and it will be the third door on the right.”

They quickly followed his directions and entered a room with a few tables, sink, microwave and refrigerator. Ms. Potts jammed a chair against the door and locked it before putting the gun on the counter and going to the fridge.

“Sorry,” she paused, “Janice.” Ms. Potts threw a crumbled up stickynote onto the ground as she pulled out a yogurt cup and two waters. She handed one to Loki before going to look for a spoon. Loki quickly downed the water while watching her. He recycled the bottle before looking in the fridge for himself, grabbing a bottle of orange juice. Ms. Potts was sitting on the counter, her legs primly crossed as she ate the yogurt, her eyes trained on the door with the gun resting beside her. “I always wondered what it was like to be a secret agent.”

“You’re rather good at it,” Loki commented softly.

“I talked to Tasha about it once. She said that the most important thing was to always be calm.” Her smile was genuine and Loki didn’t know what to make of it. Instead he looked down at his bottle, reading about how perfect this juice was despite it tasting quite ordinary.

“Pardon me.” He went to the corner of the room, dragging a trashcan with him before retching into it and feeling immensely better because of it. He quickly tied off the bag, not wanting the smell to spread. There were a few stale muffins in the middle of the room in a box. He devoured one to cover up his pungent breath.

“You might want to sit down.” Loki did so immediately, putting himself between her and the door, just in case. He drank the rest of his orange juice while testing out his magic a few times. A different kind of alarm in the distance made him tense up all over again.

“I’m ready when you are,” he said while gulping nervously. She hopped off the counter and placed the empty yogurt cup, wiped down gun, and water bottle in a different trashcan. “If I may.” He held out his hand and she graciously accepted it. He concentrated on the penthouse and they were there in an instant.

“Welcome back, Ms. Potts, Loki,” Jarvis said and Loki let out a sigh of relief for not fucking up a spell he’d been using for centuries. He glanced over at Ms. Potts who was righting her hair.

“May I see him, please?” Loki asked while trying not to fidget. Ms. Potts nodded.

“He’s this way. I’ve already given him a cure so don’t try any spells on him. I don’t know how it might react to your magic.” Ms. Potts warned and Loki nodded mutely, following her to the elevator. It quickly went down a few levels and opened to a floor he’d never been on before. He hesitated for a mere moment before hurrying in the direction of the beeping of a heart monitor.

He froze when he opened the door and saw that they weren’t alone. Bruce Banner, the one who had pummeled him into unconsciousness twice was sitting next to Tony. He looked up from the engineer and to the god. Loki quickly backed out of the room, not wanting to set him off and risk Tony incurring any more injuries.

“It’s alright,” Bruce called out. His voice was soothing and kind. Loki didn’t know what to do. Everything was urging him to go to Tony’s side while his logic told him to stay back, to lure the beast away. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“I’m not worried about me,” Loki blurted out then immediately covered his mouth with his hand. Bruce frowned and glanced over Loki’s shoulder

“Take a seat, Loki. Bruce isn’t going to hurt anyone. We’re all here to support Tony,” Ms. Potts explained while gently pushing him out of the doorway. Loki let out a whimper before doing as he was told, walking slowly over to Tony’s side and sitting on a chair. He placed his hands in his lap to keep from fretting about.

Loki held back a sob when he saw how near death Tony looked.

“Are you sure there’s nothing I can do?” he asked while not looking away from the engineer.

“Sir will recover. I confident in his previous calculations coupled with my own.” Jarvis’ voice was soothing.

“Pepper, do you need me to get you some ice for that?” Bruce asked while gesturing towards her face.

“Oh, I’d almost forgotten. Guess who gave me a metal kiss?” Her voice was sarcastic and biting.

“I can fix it!” Loki offered while turning to face her. “If that’s alright by you.” Ms. Potts paused in thought.

“Sure, Tony said you were a very talented mage.” Loki blushed at the indirect compliment and awkwardly stood up.

“It’s easier if I touch you face. Is that okay?” He couldn’t look into her blue eyes, afraid of what he might see there.

“Yup.” She popped the ‘p’ at the end of the word. Carefully he cupped her cheek, the same cheek he was certain Tony had cupped countless times before.

“This will feel like ice. I’m sorry.” The magic easily flowed from him to her and Ms. Potts scrunched her nose. He quickly pulled back. “Are you okay? Is everything okay?” She chuckled and so did Bruce.

“It’s fine. I just wasn’t expecting it to tickle.” She was smiling again. Loki slowly lifted his hand up to finish healing her face. She didn’t move back and he felt a bit more confident. Green washed over her fair complexion, dusting away the bruising and inflammation.

“All done,” he said lamely.

“Thank you, Loki.” She looked over at Bruce and the god knew he was dismissed, sitting back in his seat to stare at Tony. “Bruce, I have to call a few more lawyers as well as do some paper work. Are you good?” He nodded in response. “Just tell Jarvis if you need anything, if either of you needs anything.” He heard her heels quickly retreating into the distance.

Loki struggled to keep it together as he looked at Tony, especially when he spotted one of the many blankets he had knitted folded on the bed, over Tony’s feet.

“Sorry for the whole smashing you thing,” Bruce said out of the blue, causing Loki to flinch. He wasn’t used to being around people who actually knew who and what he was other than Tony and Ms. Potts. “I didn’t know you were trying to help Tony.”

“I’m sorry for… everything.”

“That’s a very broad thing of you to say.” Bruce laughed goodheartedly again and Loki bit his lip, not certain if that was a rebuke or a demand for him to be more specific. “Tony has told me a few things about you.”

“He has?” Loki asked, his eyes wide and with poorly hidden confusion.

“He never used your name specifically, but now that I know your role in his life I know he was talking about you.” Bruce paused, looking at his cup of tea for a moment. “Has he given you your Christmas gift yet?” Loki immediately perked up.

“Yes, I’d just opened it up when…” Loki paused, calming down. “I haven’t had a proper chance to read it.” Loki smiled sadly, brushing his fingers over Tony encased hand. “I wonder what happened to his scarf.” Loki mused.

“The Iron Man one?” Bruce chuckled and Loki bit his tongue. Maybe Tony hadn’t really like it after all. “Clint was making fun of it the whole limo drive, but Tony was vehemently defending it. Why? Are you thinking of buying one for yourself?” Bruce joked.

“No, I made it for him. It was his Christmas gift.” Loki admitted and Bruce’s smile faded.

“I think they threw it away along with his other tattered clothing. By the time I came back to my usual self he was in surgery.” Loki nodded solemnly. “I thought it looked rather nice, if not a bit flashy. Tony loved it. I could tell.”

“You really think so?” Loki asked, hating how desperate his voice sounded.

“I’m certain.” Bruce nodded while standing. Loki shrunk backwards, not knowing what to expect. He seemed unaffected by Loki’s blatant fear. “I’m going to make some tea. Would you like any?”

“I can make it for you,” Loki offered automatically. Bruce smiled sadly.

“No, I like making tea. Do you want any? I make a decadent chai.” Bruce picked up an abandoned mug from the table Loki was sitting beside. “What do you say?” Bruce’s smile was so open.

“Um, yes please. Thank you.” The words came out as a quick slur, but Bruce thankfully didn’t comment on his terrible diction.

Loki noted that the doctor walked very quietly which was quite the contrast to the Hulk. Loki pulled his knees up to his chest, just now noticing he wasn’t wearing the clothes he had put on last. He was in some almost paper like clothing that would give him a chill if he wasn’t a frost giant. He summoned a mirror and took a quick account of his appearance.

He looked more sickly than usual. Bruises littered his face and left side, mostly healed, but still prominent. A swatch of his skin was missing from his chest, a perfect square, covered by a bandage. It would scar, even after he healed it. Hopefully this one wouldn’t be too hideous.

Bruce reappeared, pulling Loki from his thoughts.

“Here you go.” Bruce was smiling again in that disarming manner that set Loki on edge.

“Thank you.” Loki sipped at the drink hesitantly, having been served horse piss on more than one occasion in Asgard. This chai tea was pleasant enough though.

“So is there anything you want to talk about?” Bruce’s question startled Loki.

“What is there to talk about?” he asked while staring at the heart monitor.

“How about why you saved Tony.” Loki was suddenly glad that it wasn’t his heart that was connected to that machine because it would have been beeping at a furious pace.

“I’m a very selfish being,” Loki stated since he could think of no other safe answer. Even if Bruce said that he and Tony talked about Loki, that didn’t mean they necessarily did. He’d been around enough politicians to know that.

“Somehow I doubt that.” Bruce blew on his tea, finding a more comfortable position in his seat. “Then let’s talk about what you’ve been doing since you got back to earth.”

“Is this an interrogation?” Loki’s question made Bruce laugh sadly.

“No, just a conversation between friends.” Loki tensed up even further.

“I do not have friends,” Loki hissed the words out, old wounds opening anew.

“Tony thinks of you as a friend.”

“Do not try to manipulate me, mortal.” Loki wanted to curl up against Tony, hiding against him but knew it would only make him look even weaker. Loki tried to calm down, knowing that Bruce was one of Tony’s friends and should be respected as such. His face twitched into a smile. “I mean, what would you like to know?”

“Well, one of the hypothetical situations he came to me with was of you getting a job. Did you?”

“Yes.” Loki offered nothing more on the subject.

“Do you like your job?”

“I…” Loki closed his mouth, actually having to think about the question. “I don’t know.”

“Well, if you had the choice would you quit?” Bruce asked while blowing on his tea. Loki paused in thought. He started fiddling with the edge of his paper like pants, wishing that he was wrapped in a blanket and that everything was how it once was.

“I don’t want to quit,” he mumbled. As much as he wanted to wring the necks of some of his students he really enjoyed teaching them.

“Good. Do you want to tell me what job you chose?” Loki rocked in his seat slightly, uncertain with how much he should say.

“I guess I can.” It’s not like he’d ever be able to teach there again anyway, not now that SHIELD knew he was in New York. “I taught self-defense to children.”

“That’s pretty impressive.” Loki glanced over at Bruce, not certain if he was being sarcastic or not. Loki took a sip of his tea, cringing as it burnt his tongue. Loki did not know what to say to him. “What do you like doing in your free time?”

Other than masturbate and pining after someone who could never love him?

“Knit and cook,” Loki stated blandly.

“And what’s your favorite thing to cook?” Bruce’s question elicited a broken laugh from Loki. The god quickly wiped away a tear. Bruce gave him a concerned look.

“Tony asked me that question on Christmas Eve. I like baking bread, watching the dough rise, and how it smells.” Loki squeezed his legs to his chest. “Why are you asking me all these things?”

“You’re important to Tony. I trust his judgment. I just want to understand,” Bruce said and Loki stared at him, not believing a word of it.


	37. Chapter 37

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Loki mumbled, pressing his face against his knees as he curled up even tighter into a ball.

“What’s wrong?” Bruce was scrunching up his brow in what looked to be sincerity. It made Loki want to shrink away from him. Blatant sincerity without hatred just looked wrong.

Loki searched for some good excuse, but couldn’t think of one.

“There’s a reason only Tony and Ms. Potts knew I was here.”

“Other than the fact that you’re a wanted criminal?”

“That’s just happenstance.” Loki often forgot that he was a ‘wanted criminal’. “Can we just talk about something else or nothing?” Loki pleaded with his eyes. Bruce’s shoulders slumped slightly. He was silent. Loki was just starting to relax when the doctor spoke again.

“Would you like to exchange recipes?”

“What?” Loki almost choked on air as he spoke.

“Recipes. You said you like cooking. I assume you use recipes. I have all mine written in a few journals from when I was,” Bruce paused, “out of the country.” Bruce smiled at him and Loki didn’t know what to make of it. “It will be fun. I promise.”

“Fun?” Loki asked, hesitation clear in his voice.

“Fun,” Bruce confirmed while nodding.

“It won’t work. Mine aren’t in English.”

“But you can read it to me, can’t you?” Bruce’s voice was patient, yet it made Loki anxious, like he was being forced to do something.

Loki let out a sigh, trying to calm down. He wasn’t used to interacting with others and there was still a bit of poison in his system. He put his hands together, remembering exactly where his cookbook was. The nondescript notebook was hidden away in his closet, along with a hundred other things he never planned to show anyone else.

The area between his hands blurred before the notebook appeared. Loki quickly clutched the item to his chest.

“Would you like me to get your journals?” he asked, his voice soft.

“No, I can get them.” Bruce stood up, setting aside his tea. “I’ll be right back.”

When he heard the elevator door close Loki stood up and went over to the sink in the corner of the room. He turned on the cold water and splashed his face. With a spell he changed out of his papery clothing into one of his nice emerald green sweaters, one that Tony had bought him before Loki learned to knit, and simple black pants that were loose compared to his usual jeans.

Loki summoned his toothbrush as well as other oral hygiene items and got rid of his acidic breath. He figured he wouldn’t be leaving this room for a while, so he just left them beside the sink.

He righted his hair before suddenly realizing that he had been wearing the green bow Tony had given him when he’d teleported to the engineer’s side. It was gone. SHIELD had taken it. Loki wanted to cry, to beg for Tony’s forgiveness even though he knew that the engineer probably didn’t even know Loki kept the bow.

Loki took in a stuttered breath.

Strong and confident.

He could do this, even though he was so exhausted.

Loki sat up with perfect posture when he heard Bruce come back. The doctor seemed surprised by his change in attire. Bruce shook his head slightly.

He had three notebooks under his arm, none of which matched the others. Loki could already smell spices. He was surprised when Bruce picked up his chair and brought it to Loki’s side.

“So, do you have a system, or are you an ‘add as you go’ recipe collector?”

“Add as you go,” Loki mumbled while staring at his own lap intently. He didn’t like having anyone this close except for Tony and the children. He would shake hands when necessary, but other than that…

Bruce moved his chair a bit further away.

Loki wondered if he should have taken a proper shower before interacting with Bruce. He was sure he stunk from sweating out the poison and that’s why Bruce moved away— because foul little Loki—

“Me too, although my journals have more than just recipes.” Bruce chuckled to himself and Loki didn’t understand why he was laughing. Bruce cracked open the notebook that looked the oldest. From Loki’s odd angle he could see sketched out maps, lists of names, and pressed flowers. There were also notes in different handwritings, but Bruce flipped the pages too quickly for Loki to read them. “All my bread recipes don’t use yeast, so none of them rise. I learned this one in India.”

Bruce handed over his notebook and Loki quickly read the recipe. It was easy enough, but something about its simplicity made Loki nervous, as if he tried it he’d miss one of the vital steps and end up with something disgusting.

“It looks…” Loki didn’t know what to say. Bruce chuckled again and Loki’s grip on the nearly tattered notebook became tighter. He had to remind himself to be gentle with it.

“It’s not your taste, is it?” Bruce asked and Loki just shrugged, not even really knowing his own taste. He just knew that he usually liked his food lighter and less meaty than Tony’s. Bruce reached for his notebook and Loki tensed up. Bruce instead turned his hand over, his palm opened expectantly. With a slow movement Loki placed the notebook there. “Would you like me to show you one of the recipes that Tony likes, so you can make it for him when he wakes?”

Loki’s eyes lit up and he relaxed slightly from just hearing his name.

“Yes, please. I’d like that.”

Bruce briefly explained the curry based dish and Loki was quick to jot down notes. Loki could already imagine making it, hearing Tony laugh from the living room, but that was just a delusion. Loki had revealed himself—

Surely Tony would be angry with him. The engineer had threatened one of his teammates to keep him a secret, yet Loki carelessly—

“You still in there?” Bruce asked.

“No, I mean yes.” Loki looked down at his handwriting, perfect from years of practice. For some reason he hated it. He shouldn’t have such pretty handwriting. He shouldn’t have a pretty face or body either, but at least this way he kept Tony entertained. Loki pulled himself together. “Are there any other recipes that Tony favors?”

“A few, but I want to hear about some of the things you’ve cooked— wait, were you the one who made those cookies all those months ago when we had movie night up here instead of on the communal floor?”

“Yes, those were made by me.” Loki felt a bit of pride, remembering that wonderful night when he realized Tony liked his cookies.

“May I have that recipe? Those were delicious.”

“Um, sure, yes. I didn’t use a recipe though. I just…” Loki searched for words, but couldn’t find the right ones.

“You used your talent as a chef to put together different ingredients and make something delicious,” Bruce clarified, leaving Loki speechless.

“May I write it down for you?” Loki asked, already feeling his voice waver. This was all too much.

“Sure.” Bruce flipped through one of his notebooks till finding a blank page. He slowly held it out for Loki, but it was still too quick of a movement. It took everything in him not to grab Tony and teleport away.

Loki wasn’t meant to be around other people. He felt like he was being tested, measured up, and found inadequate.

He had to be strong and confident. Anything less would just reflect poorly on Tony, and Loki refused to do such a thing.

With measured movements Loki wrote out the recipe, adding every painstaking detail, including even how to stack them once they were finished so that it looked like there were more than there actually was, without letting any of the cookies crumble.

When Loki was done he carefully handed the notebook back over.

“Thanks, I’ll have to try these sometime. Are there any particular recipes that Tony likes?” Bruce’s question made Loki narrow his eyes in suspicion. Dread started building up in him, starting in his chest and spreading across his skin and into his bones.

Tony loved Ms. Potts, but… how could anyone resist him? Jarvis said that Tony was a generous lover. Maybe that was the AI’s way of hinting at Loki’s all around unimportance.

If Tony loved one of the Avengers too… well, there was only so much space in one man’s heart, even when it was an arc reactor.

“What is your relationship with him? Other than ‘science bros’ and teammates?” Loki asked, his jealousy overcoming his self-preservation.

Bruce was still reading over the detailed instructions. Slowly he looked over at the engineer. A small smile formed, breaking Loki’s heart. So it was true. Things were already impossible, but with both Ms. Potts and Bruce why would Tony consider him anything other than a nuisance? He would never love Loki the way the god loved him.

“He’s… my best friend.” There was just a hint of a blush on Bruce’s cheeks as he continued staring at Tony. Loki’s eyes started watering as despair and hopelessness found their usual spot in his blackened soul. “He’s the one person I know that will never hurt me. He’s… my home.”

But he was Loki’s home, but Loki was Loki and Bruce was an Avenger, a scientist, and most importantly not a vile monster.

Loki took in a broken gasp as his misery overcame him. He curled in on himself, hiding his face against his knees and covering his ears with his hands, not wanting to hear anymore. To have what little hope he had shatter.

“Loki?” Even with his ears muffled he could still hear the doctor. He could feel him move closer and the god tensed up, feeling like he would fall apart at any moment. “Is there anything I can do?”’

Why would he ask such a thing? He knew what he was doing.

Loki understood he was supposed to be punished for all that he had done, but wasn’t almost losing Tony enough? And now… now all the Avengers and SHIELD knew he was here. They’d make him pay. He may have been hidden for years, but they remembered all he’d done. They’d make him pay and Bruce Banner didn’t even need to switch forms to break the stupid god. He didn’t even need to speak. Loki could see the love in those deceptively kind eyes.

Loki had almost fallen for it, the friend of a friend routine.

Why would anyone ever want Loki’s stupid recipes or to know anything about him other than to keep him from causing havoc?

A warm hand touched his shoulder and Loki flinched with such intensity that he tasted blood. The god quickly scrambled off the chair, landing hard on the ground as he pushed himself away.

“Don’t touch me!” His heartbeat was painful and lungs weren’t sucking in enough air. His back hit a wall and he almost pushed himself through it before remembering he wasn’t supposed to damage Tony’s things, the wall or himself. Instead he pushed himself into a corner, never looking away from the deceiver, just another person more worthy of Tony’s love than him.

“Loki—”

“Don’t! Please don’t!” Loki squeezed his eyes shut, debating on whether he should throw a shield up. Bruce might perceive it as a threat and Jarvis would tell Tony about how he was being disrespectful. “Please just go,” Loki said softly, not daring to open his eyes.

There was a long pause, broken only by the steady beeping of Tony’s heart monitor.

Loki was holding back a body wracking sob.

Finally soft footsteps began walking away. The door was shut quietly, but Loki didn’t let out the breath he was holding until he heard the ding of the elevator.

His watery eyes slid open. With shaking limbs he crawled over to Tony’s side, feeling completely exhausted.

He let out a few weak sobs before crawling under the bed and falling into a fitful sleep.


	38. Chapter 38

Loki woke up to the scent of dust and faint tobacco. It was dark and the heart monitor was still steadily beeping. It was too slow for Loki’s liking. He loved feeling Tony’s pulse on his back when Tony’s chest was plastered to Loki’s back as he plowed into him. He loved listening to it when Tony allowed him to cuddle up next to him.

He really was in a coma. For a brief moment Loki thought he was at the very start of his new life, lying on the floor of the living room motionless as to not anger Tony, just waiting for Tony have some need of him.

Wait, something was wrong.

Loki nearly hit his head as he sat up abruptly. He rolled out from under the bed, jumping to his feet. In the only shadowed corner of the room was a figure.

“Calm down, Loki,” Jarvis said. Loki’s stance eased slightly and the light began to slowly come on.

It took a moment for Loki to identify the man in the corner. His head was tilted down, shaggy hair concealing his features. It was the metal arm that gave it away. Bucky Barnes, another Avenger and one of Tony’s friends.

Loki moved to the side slightly, never taking his eyes off the other individual. Tony’s bed was in between them. If anything happened he’d be in danger— but Jarvis told Loki to calm down. The AI must think Bucky was no threat.

Of course not. If anything Loki was the threat. It was only through pure luck that Loki hadn’t knocked over Tony’s life support system when he’d rolled out from under the bed.

Bucky still hadn’t moved, but Loki could see the glint of his eyes through disheveled hair. Slowly he sat on one of the seats and retrieved his cookbook that had fallen to the ground at some point. He pretended to read it, knowing that knowledge of this language had died long ago in this realm.

This was worse than his encounter with Bruce. He could practically taste the hostility, so similar to how things were back in Asgard. That realization was almost comforting. The only thing that was different was that there was someone who he valued more than himself here, Tony.

Bucky cared about Tony as well, though. That had to stand for something. 

“I did the best I could,” Loki whispered, “and Jarvis did the rest.” There was a slight nod of acknowledgement from the dark Avenger. Loki did his best not to squirm under the crushing pressure of having someone like him in the room. “I didn’t see you there.”

“I don’t do public events,” Bucky stated simply, his voice even and controlled.

“Either do I,” Loki attempted to joke, but he knew his twitch of a smile looked awkward. He took in a deep breath subtly, trying to muster up some of the confidence Tony wielded so easily. “Are you here for me or for Tony?” Loki was surprised by the strength in his own voice.

“Bit of both.” Bucky finally moved, the New York lights glinting off his left arm.

“I’m not going to hurt him.” Loki stayed seated, not wanting to provoke the former assassin. “Did SHIELD send you?”

“I don’t work for SHIELD.”

“That’s not really an answer to my question.” Loki felt like he was falling into an old habit, an old role, the shadow prince. He could do this. He refused to be moved from Tony’s side. Bucky might have been biologically enhanced, but he was no god.

“No, it wasn’t.” Bucky grabbed Bruce’s abandoned chair, twisted it around, and sat right in front of Loki, crossing his arms on the backrest. “What did you do to Stark?”

“You mean before or after I was rendered unconscious by Doctor Banner?”

“Before.” Bucky’s metal hand formed a fist as it rested on his forearm.

“Staunched his bleeding and staved off the worst of his wounds.” Loki was quick and concise with his words, not letting his unease show through.

“And before that?”

“Can’t say. I go out of my way not to divulge information about the few who trust me.”

“So he trusts you. I find that hard to believe.” Loki refrained from the flinch that threatened to rock his whole body. “Tony doesn’t trust people, especially not ones that are wanted fugitives.”

“Weren’t you a fugitive not so long ago?”

“Different circumstances.”

“Not as different as you’d think.”

There was a brief pause as the pair eyed each other. Loki let a bit of himself show through. Bucky’s eyes flickered, but Loki couldn’t interpret it.

The former assassin backed off slightly.

Loki watched as Bucky pulled out a cigarette and lighter. He flicked it open and it automatically lit. After breathing in a puff he flicked it close.

Loki made a dismissive wave and the smoke was redirected away from himself. He refused to show how much cigarettes made him uncomfortable.

“Tell me about it.”

“I’d rather not.”

“SHIELD’s trying to get into the tower as we speak. What are you going to do about it?” Bucky asked, his voice unwavering.

“Jarvis?” Loki glanced up, looking for confirmation.

“It is under control,” the AI responded.

“So Jarvis answers to you. That’s a privilege that Sam, Natasha, and Clint don’t have.” Bucky leaned back, holding onto his chair with his right hand and cigarette with his metal hand.

“And do you have that privilege?” Loki could feel the exhaust from putting up this façade wearing on him. Thankfully he could see the rising and falling of Tony’s chest, the steady beating of his heart— all reasons to stay strong, to be whatever he needed to be until he was under Tony’s protection again.

“Jarvis?” Bucky repeated Loki’s earlier question, yet there wasn’t an ounce of sarcasm in his voice.

“Mr. Barnes has the privilege.” Jarvis’ tone gave nothing away.

“I guess the real question then is who has more ‘privileges’.” Bucky’s grin was faint.

“Mr. Barnes, you’re making this sound like some sort of competition when what really matters is lying behind you. Jarvis clearly trusts us enough to be in Tony’s presence when he’s this vulnerable. If anything we are getting to learn more about our mutual,” Loki paused, “friend.”

Bucky stared at him for a good ten minutes, periodically taking a puff from his cigarette. Loki kept his eyes steadily on the rise and fall of Tony’s chest. It was the only thing keeping him from falling apart under Bucky’s scrutinizing stare.

The former assassin dropped his spent cigarette into a plastic cup next to Tony’s bed that hadn’t been there when Loki fell asleep. He must have really been out of it.

Bucky shrugged slightly and Loki let out an audible sigh, slumping in his seat, unable to put on the act any longer. Bucky effortlessly picked up the chair and took it back to its original spot across the room. He looked out the window and for a brief moment Loki thought he was going to return to his dark corner.

“I never slept with Tony. I don’t swing that way even though he can be pretty damn tempting when he wants to be.” Loki was almost startled by how genuine Bucky’s smile was, even if it was a bit broken. “Me, Jarv, and Pepper can take care of SHIELD. You should read to Tony. I heard that’s good for coma patients. Some sleep wouldn’t hurt you either. This place does have more than one bed.” Bucky walked to the door, opening it silently. “Steve will eventually convince Pepper to let him back into the tower. Don’t be startled when he drops in for a visit.”

Bucky left before Loki could ask when he thought the other Avenger would get here.

Loki could barely move from his grueling encounter with Bucky. He used almost the last of his energy to pull his chair to Tony’s bedside. He rested his arms and head on some of the open mattress space.

For some reason Loki was almost afraid to touch him, as if this was all some delusion he’d fallen into when he finally broke after finding out Tony really was dead.

“Jarvis?” Loki’s voice was mangled by a yawn.

“Yes?”

“Will reading really help him?”

“Studies have shown that it has a positive effect. I was reading to him as you both rested until Mr. Barnes stopped in for a visit. Shall I continue?” Jarvis’ voice was soothing and the lights were dimming.

“Yes please.” He wasn’t certain the words actually left his mouth, sleep was already dragging him under.

He dreamed of smoking caterpillars and seeing Iron Man fly through the air.


	39. Chapter 39

Waiting was painful, yet Loki was strangely used to it.

He was used to waiting, waiting for Tony to come home, waiting to be acknowledged, waiting for the oven to preheat…

Now his waiting was punctuated by the routines of others.

One of three doctors would check on Tony every six hours. Jarvis made it clear that they weren’t allowed to talk to Loki, which the god was infinitely thankful for. Whenever one came Loki would stand in a corner, watching him or her intently.

Ms. Potts always arrived before sunrise, looking prim and put together as she ate her breakfast and periodically chewed on her thumb.

Bucky always came at sunset. He’d crack open the window despite the frigid weather and smoked a cigarette. When it was down to the filter he’d leave without even having said a word.

Bruce was the most cumbersome. He’d come around in the afternoon and stay for hours. He read scientific journals or just talked to Tony. Every twenty minutes or so he’d ask Loki a question, as if he actually cared about the god. After their last conversation Loki gave as little of responses as possible without being outright rude.

The only positive aspects about Bruce’s visits were that they were the only time Loki felt assured enough to leave in order to take a shower or use the restroom.

After asking Ms. Potts Loki was granted the duty of bathing and grooming Tony. The god knew how much he valued his appearance. The first time he got to strip him down had almost been exciting, if not for the pink flesh that still had stitches in it.

If not for the situation Loki would have loved sculpting Tony’s facial hair into its usual sharp form. Loki always gave him so many compliments and never nicked his skin with the razor.

Loki was sure to move him around often to prevent bed sores and to keep his muscles from atrophying.

Loki had long ago retrieved Tony’s gift for him.

_101 Reasons Why You’re Important to Me_

Yet the god couldn’t read it. He was afraid, he was so afraid that he’d fall even further in love with him. It could lead him to doing something stupid or reckless, like trying to steal away his unconscious love.

Instead Loki hid the book away in the chest at the foot of his bed, beneath bundles of yarn.

Loki spent most of his time knitting while he told Tony stories from his childhood or ones he’d seen on TV. After knitting Tony a replacement scarf Loki worked on little toys to donate to the center he used to work at, trying to make up for suddenly stopping his volunteer work.

The god tried to stay awake as much as possible. He wanted to be there when Tony woke, but sometimes his eyes grew too heavy. He’d slump in his seat or lean on Tony’s bed, unconsciousness pulling him under.

Two weeks passed and all of Tony’s wounds were healed according to the doctors, yet he was still in a coma.

“Loki,” Jarvis’ voice called out, startling the god. “Steve Rogers has been granted access to the tower. He has requested access to see Sir. Ms. Potts has granted it.”

“I’m not leaving,” Loki said stubbornly while looking at his lap and the star shaped doll he was knitting.

“I suspected as much. I was just making you aware of the situation.”

Loki nodded to himself before maneuvering his chair and knitting supplies to the corner of the room directly in sight of the door. He didn’t want to startle the Avenger or give him any reason to attack. Loki put himself far away from Tony, in case a fight really did break out he didn’t want Tony getting caught in the middle of it.

Loki wasn’t certain how he should act around the super soldier. He knew Tony and him didn’t have the best of relationships. He’d listened in on Tony mumbling to Jarvis about how annoying Steve’s scoldings were. That he didn’t need another ‘father’. It made Loki instantly dislike him.

A few minutes later Steve walked into the room in a pair of casual pants and dark blue shirt. He was carrying a vase of flowers with a little get-well-card on it. His steps didn’t falter as he entered the room and spotted Loki. He set down the vase a bit too close to Tony’s life support equipment for Loki’s taste.

“I don’t know why Tony didn’t just tell us about you,” Steve said while sitting in the only other seat in the room, far to Loki’s right. Both chairs were facing Tony, but Steve angled himself to see Loki.

“He had his reasons.” None of which were Loki’s to say.

“Pepper and Jarvis said that you haven’t hurt anyone since you got back to earth.”

“They aren’t lying.” Loki continued with his knitting, drawing Steve’s eyes to it. He really hate these sorts of situations, where he was put under the microscope.

“So you’ve been living in the tower this whole time?”

“Yes, the whole time.” Loki had been so certain that Tony was going to kick him out a hundred times over, but the engineer had been merciful.

“What floor were you level were you living on?” Steve’s tone was pure curiosity. Loki didn’t trust him for even a fleeting moment.

“That isn’t really important.”

“Bruce said that you’re not the same person that invaded New York.” Was the only thing he could do was repeat others?

“I was never that person.” Loki was startled by his own statement and the clarity of the truth behind it. Maybe some of the things Tony had said had gotten through to the god.

“What did Tony do to you?” Steve’s question made Loki freeze.

“What do you mean by that?” Loki felt his anger resurfacing.

“Bruce said you were acting like an abused spouse—” The knitting needles cracked under Loki’s grip.

“How dare you… how dare you?” Loki felt tears blurring his vision. “Tony has been nothing but generous to me. Everything he did was far better than I deserved.” Loki felt himself starting to unravel. “Tony’s a great person, the greatest man I’ve ever met! Clearly you don’t know Tony in the least!” Loki stood up and flung one of the broken metal knitting needles at the Avenger. Steve just barely dodged it and the needle became imbedded in the wall. “Get out!” Steve didn’t move at first. “I said get out!” The other knitting needle in his hand began glowing green. Steve’s eyes grew wide and he quickly retreated. Loki swiped his hand to the right and the door slammed shut behind the Avenger.

Loki fell into his seat, a sobbing mess.

How dare they say something so senseless, so ridiculous—

Oh Norns, Loki had just attacked one of Tony’s teammates, one of Tony’s friends.

“Jarvis, please, please, please don’t let them take me away,” Loki begged to the AI, looking at one of his sensors.

There was a long pause and Loki felt like he was dangling over the Bifrost again.

“You have my full protection. No one will be able to remove you from the tower or keep you away from Sir.”


	40. Chapter 40

After that Steve did not return and Loki dropped his vase and flowers out the window (after making sure no one was nearby). Loki pulled out the knitting needle from the wall, and repaired the hole.

Bucky’s visits did not change at all despite knowing that Steve probably told him everything that had happened.

Sam visited once, but didn’t acknowledge the god.

Ms. Potts seemed more withdrawn. Loki didn’t talk to her, even though Tony had given him permission to do so a lifetime ago.

Bruce’s visits became worse. He was more insistent with his questions and was constantly trying to lure Loki away from Tony. It never worked though. Loki had reverted to just washing himself in the sink instead of going to his own shower, not trusting the doctor to be alone with him anymore.

It had just been over a month since the bombing.

“Jarvis.” Loki’s voice was soft, fragile. “Why isn’t he awake yet?”

“Sir has accumulated lots of damage over his lifetime. Urine samples have shown that toxins are still being purged from his person, many of which were unknown to modern science until just recently. Stark Industries is now studying the different compounds and new vitamins are being developed to counteract these toxins in the populous.” Jarvis’ comment was not as comforting as Loki was hoping it would be.

The god couldn’t help but think about what might happen if Tony never woke up, if they were stuck in this strange limbo for eternity. It would be torture, but so much better than if Tony died. Loki would look after him for all eternity, making sure no one could ever hurt him. Maybe even snuggle against him and pretend everything would be back to normal when the sun rose again.

A few days later Jarvis announced that Natasha had been given access to the tower and permission to see Tony. Loki took up his seat in the corner again, this time with a book in hand that he’d been reading to Tony.

The SHIELD agent moved nearly silently, even taking the stairs so as not to have elevator ding on her arrival. Loki could still sense and hear her though. He stared out the open door until she turned the corner and fell into his sights. Surprise briefly flitted over her features, but was quickly replaced by a stoic expression.

Her arm was in a cast and she had a leg brace on, despite that she still moved with grace and near silence.

“It’s been a while,” Loki said while setting aside the book and lacing his fingers together, letting his hands rest in his lap. “I assume SHIELD doesn’t know you’ve been aware of my presence. I, of course, won’t say anything.” Loki was tired of scheming from his long years in Asgard. The truth was far easier.

“SHIELD doesn’t need to know.” Natasha looked through the mini-fridge Ms. Potts had installed when she realized Loki wasn’t going to leave Tony’s side. The assassin pulled out a bottle of water and an orange. She began pealing it while staring at Tony. “I would have been here sooner, but I’ve been focused on trying to get Clint to not go rogue and go after you.”

“I was told Tony knocked you away from the worst of the explosion.” It was strange. It was easier talking to her than the rest of Tony’s teammates. Perhaps because she’d known about him for the majority of his stay and had done nothing about it.

“I would have died,” Natasha confirmed. “The other Avengers want me to trick you to leaving the room. Bruce and Steve want to corner and question you. They’re convinced that Tony was abusing you.”

“Tony never abused me. He saved me.” Loki’s hands tightened, anger and sadness warring inside of him. Did Tony’s friends truly not understand him? “And what do you think?” The question came out without any prompting.

Natasha stared at him, her eyes unwavering. They almost looked dead.

“I think you’re a little cock-slut, but I don’t think Tony’s abusive.” Loki cringed at the name. “I watched you from a distance when you were teaching little kids how to fight.” Natasha’s confession surprised Loki. “Jarvis knew. He warned me not to get any closer or to alert SHIELD to either of our activities.” The redhead glanced out the window before looking at Loki again. “Tony’s the one who will have to deal with the accusations when he wakes, unless you do something about this.” She ate a wedge of the orange and shrugged.

“You’re trying to manipulate me,” Loki accused, his eyes narrowing.

“So what? It’s not like I’m lying. If you keep hiding in this room their suspicions will only grow. Who knows how long Tony will be out? Their questions will only multiply. Do you really want him to be bombarded by questions right after he wakes?”

“I refuse to tell them anything without Tony’s permission,” Loki finally said after thinking about the situation. Natasha shrugged before standing back up, tossing half her orange into the trash.

“Either way, it doesn’t matter to me. Just consider asking Jarvis for his advice. If anyone can tell you what Tony would want you to say it’s him.” The assassin’s departure was as silent as her entry.

Loki picked up the book he’d been reading, drifting his fingers over the fine print.

“Jarvis, what should I do?”

“Usually I’d be disinclined to answer such a vague question due to my protocols set in place by Sir, but due to the extenuating circumstances I believe I will give my advice.” Jarvis paused and Loki began gnawing on his lip, careful not to break the skin. “The limited truth would probably be best. Dr. Banner and Captain Rogers have few interrogation skills.”

“What should I say?”

“That you used to have relations, but no longer. Explain that you live here and that Sir found you employment. Sir is trying to help you after extreme trauma. It is the truth.” Loki thought about his words, fidgeting in his seat. “What you reveal about said trauma is completely at your discretion.”

Loki took in a deep breath and stood. He went to the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked worse than usual. If Tony woke up at this very second Loki would be embarrassed by his state. His long hair was greasy and tangled despite washing it in the sink. He hadn’t clipped his nails since this whole mess began. His shirt didn’t match his pants and he just realized that he was only wearing one sock.

No wonder they thought he was some beaten dog. He looked like a mess.

“Jarvis, can you watch over Tony while I get cleaned up?” Loki asked while trying to run his fingers through his hair. It was far more matted than he realized.

“Of course.”

Loki nodded once before teleporting up to his bathroom. He quickly striped out of his clothes and went into the shower, making the water extra hot in hopes of washing away things that could never be cleaned.

Just outside the shower stall he could see the vibrator Tony gave him, yet he had no urge to use it. He’d scarcely touched himself beyond bathing, let alone masturbated. What good was such things when Tony was in a coma?

After quickly washing away the accumulated oil and dirt Loki towel dried himself off then straightened his hair. He stared at himself closely, using a glamour to hide the shadows under his eyes. He pulled his hair back in a low ponytail with a black elastic band. He wished he still had the ribbon Tony gave him.

There was no use mourning it though. Maybe when Tony got better he’d give him another one— if he wasn’t angry at least for Loki revealing himself, and for being rude to his teammates, for putting Ms. Potts in danger—

Speculating would only do himself a disservice. He had to take care of this problem before Tony woke.

Loki pulled on a pair of dark slacks and a turquoise and charcoal grey argyle sweater that fit him nicely. He sighed as he grabbed a pair of shoes from his closet. It was a pair he’d never worn before. They weren’t as shiny as some of Tony’s shoes, but they still seemed pretty fancy and hopefully give Loki an air of confidence and strength.

After putting himself together Loki examined himself in the mirror. He looked… professional. Not like himself in the least. Not like the person he wanted to be.

It would have to do though.

He teleported back to Tony’s bedside.

Nothing had changed in his brief absence. That was both comforting yet saddening.

“Jarvis, where are Bruce and Steve?” Loki asked while staring at Tony.

“Dr. Banner, Captain Rogers, and Sergeant Barnes are in the living room on the communal floor.”

The communal floor… Loki had always wanted to go there. When Tony wasn’t creating, sleeping, or saving the world he was there, enjoy the presence of his friends. He’d imagined going there so many times, but it was always with Tony by his side, holding him.

Now he had to go there all alone, to defend Tony’s reputation since he was incapable of doing so himself.

He kissed Tony’s hand, not feeling bold enough to actually kiss his cheek or lips.

“I’ll do my best. It’s the least I can do for you.” He held Tony’s warm hand against his cheek, tears clouding his vision briefly. Loki quickly wiped them away and put Tony’s hand back in its proper place.

He straightened his appearance back out again as he closed the door to Tony’s room.

His posture was perfect as he stood in the elevator.

“I’ve announced your impending arrival,” Jarvis said softly in an effort not to startle the god. Loki nodded, turning around words in his head on what he was going to tell them.

The elevator door opened surprisingly quickly. Loki stared at the familiar yet foreign hallway. He knew the communal floor had the same layout as Tony’s floor, except instead of bedrooms there was wide open areas and a pool table. It smelled different too, making Loki scrunch up his nose in distaste.

He could hear murmuring in the distance, but instead of immediately going towards it he turned into the kitchen. The talking stopped when they spotted him. Loki made it a point to not look in their direction as he began fixing himself a cup of tea.

He could do this. He could be strong and confident.

Loki glanced through the cabinets, looking for a good brew. The tea they had here was subpar compared to… come to think of it Loki was the only one who drank tea. Ms. Potts subsisted on sugary cappuccinos while Tony drank his coffee black. He couldn’t remember when the tea appeared.

The microwave went off, startling Loki. He didn’t let it show, instead choosing a plastic wrapped teabag. He could feel their eyes on his back, watching his every move.

After letting his tea steep for the appropriate amount of time he added a bit of cream and sugar. He blew on the cup, using a spell to cool it to the perfect drinking temperature.

Finally he turned towards them and was surprised by what he saw, though he really shouldn’t have been. Their strange Christmas tree was still up, but drooping significantly. All the presents were untouched. Bruce and Steve were staring at him from matching arm chairs. Bucky was playing some flying and shooting game on mute.

Loki took a brief sip of his tea, taking them all in.

“I’ve been told there are some assumptions that are in need of correction,” Loki said while taking a seat on the couch that was across from Bruce and Steve. Bucky didn’t pause the game, but Loki could tell he was listening. “I have been living in the tower since my escape. I was tortured before I was pushed to take part in the invasion of New York, a place I now consider my home. I had certain relations with Tony, but they came to an end months ago.” Loki paused to take a sip of tea. “Since then he’s helped me find a job, I’ve picked up a few hobbies, and I habitually donate toys and clothing to the needy. I’ve been able to do this because of Tony’s generosity.”

The pair of Avengers looked at each other as Bucky continued playing his game on the widescreen.

“Maybe we should talk somewhere else.” Steve subtly glanced up towards one of Jarvis’ sensors.

“We can and will talk here.” Loki felt oddly strong. Maybe because he was protecting Tony. “Jarvis is a free agent. He has a set of morals that is far above the average human’s. True, he was made by Tony, but he’s not Tony’s spy or trying to ‘keep me in line’. Whatever you think is going on isn’t. Tony doesn’t hit me or ‘abuse me’. You all should be ashamed of yourselves,” he glanced at the doctor, “especially you. You’re his best friend.” Loki went to leave on that note, but Bruce spoke before he could.

“It’s not healthy, the way you’re acting. Whatever trauma you’ve gone through it would probably be best to seek outside counseling. Do you know what the definition of codependency is?” Bruce looked at Steve again and the super soldier nodded in agreement.

“Clearly what I’m saying isn’t getting through to you at all. I just hope that when Tony wakes you’ll have put all these ridiculous notions behind you. It will do him no good to hear such accusations.” Loki’s teacup clattered loudly as he set it aside. He stood up primly, straightening out his sweater. He glanced at them before teleporting back to Tony’s room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: Outward appearances do not always show/indicate abuse!


	41. Chapter 41

The next morning Ms. Potts stayed later than usual.

Her hair was down and she ate less than her normal amount.

Loki was instantly concerned, both for her health and his future.

Of all the people Loki had encountered since this whole ordeal began, she was still the one who put him on the edge the most. The Avengers were Tony’s friends. She was his lover. Ultimately her opinion carried more weight.

“Loki.” Ms. Potts’ voice caused Loki’s whole body to flinch. He still wasn’t used to her addressing him directly.

“Yes, Ms. Potts?” His voice was hesitant and she smiled softly in return.

“According to Jarvis’ calculations Tony should be waking up either late today or tomorrow.” Ms. Potts paused, pursing her lips and looking down at her half-finished breakfast. “I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and I think you should be the first one he sees when he wakes.” She stood up and went to Tony’s side, placing a soft kiss on the engineer’s forehead. When she straightened up she looked far more composed and like her usual self. “I’ll be in Chicago conducting business. Jarvis will call me when he’s up.”

The sharp noise of Ms. Potts heels as she walked away left no room for argument.

Once her announcement sunk in Loki felt a thrill race through him.

Tony was going to wake soon!

“Tony,” Loki whispered, unable to restrain his smile. The god hopped out of his seat and jumped up while holding in a thrilled giggle. He bounced a few more times while hugging himself. He paused, his stance wide as he pointed at one of Jarvis’ sensor. “Jarvis, we need ingredients for fresh cheeseburgers and milkshakes!” He was suddenly reenergized and filled with purpose.

“I ordered them first thing this morning, along with another order set to arrive tomorrow morning. Glazed donuts will be delivered every hour and a half so that they will be their freshest when he wakes.”

“You’re brilliant, Jarvis! A true masterpiece!” Of course he was! He was made by a master of technology. “I’ll have to get him even more cleaned up than usual! He’ll be wanting his cologne, one of his favorite t-shirts instead of these ugly hospital clothing.” Loki’s nose scrunched in distaste. “Norns! There’s so much to do! I haven’t cleaned since this whole thing began!” Loki felt dread knock the air out of him. “It’s probably filthy. How could I let things fall into such disarray?” Loki glanced around while gnawing on his lip.

“I will alert you if there’s even the slightest change in his vitals,” Jarvis reassured him. Loki let out a breath he wasn’t aware that he’d been holding.

In an instant he was in the penthouse. There was a fine layer of dust on everything. It was completely unacceptable. Everything had to be perfect for when Tony awoke.

He felt giddy as he began cleaning. Secretly he felt a bit like a Disney princess as discarded dishes washed themselves, wisps of green cleaned the floor, and he fluffed pillows, all the while humming, feeling his magic play with his surroundings.

Small smudges on the window disappeared. A cobweb in a corner dissipated. The decanters and bottles of alcohol were straightened up.

And then he went to Tony’s and Ms. Potts’ room.

It seemed… untouched. It was as messy as usual, but somehow felt different. Loki frowned before quickly getting to work. He grabbed Tony’s abandoned clothes and plopped them on top of the bed before grabbing the towels and doing the same. He stripped the bed and carried the various linens to the laundry room. As he sorted the different colors he was singing one of the songs Tony usually played when in the lab.

Loki started a load before flitting back to the kitchen. The fridge was a mess of molding left overs and an untouched gallon of orange juice. He quickly threw everything away save the OJ and baking soda. He was certain that Jarvis would order proper replacements before Tony would wake.

He sent the trash down the shoot before examining the kitchen and living room. They were spotless. The scarcely used dining room didn’t need anything done other than straightening out the chairs.

Loki went back to Tony’s closet, pulling out one of his well-worn t-shirts, jeans, and new boxers. He sent them down to the medical room along with cologne before taking a moment to just plop down on Tony’s bed and breathe in the fact that Tony would be back soon.

Tony…

Ms. Potts had reassured the god that Tony wouldn’t be mad for revealing himself, but there was always a chance…

Tony had nearly died. Such things had caused lesser men to change drastically.

Suddenly he was afraid of when Tony would wake up. Right now things were peaceful, but sad. If Tony woke and decided that Loki wasn’t worth the trouble then that would just be the end of everything.

Loki pulled himself out of his thoughts. He was wasting time. He could be sitting with his love right now.

Unwillingly Loki remembered the book he had buried away in his knitting supplies. He wanted to know, to know what Tony really thought, before everything was over.

With slow movements that contrasted greatly with his earlier dancing Loki made his way to his room. It was as neat as ever, bed perfectly made, pillows lined up nicely, closet door closed tightly, the trunk at the foot of his bed gleaming…

He took in a deep breath as he opened the chest. The scent of yarn was comforting. He moved aside the colorful array and found what he was looking for.

_101 Reasons Why You’re Important to Me_

Loki clutched the book to his chest before teleporting down a few floors. The familiar sound of Tony’s heart rate monitor was comforting.

“Jarvis, will you please let me know if anyone comes?”

“Of course.”

Loki settled in his seat, hesitating to open the book. His fingers traced the letters of the title that looked to be burned into the leather. Loki’s breath caught in his throat. Tony said he made it, but Loki thought he just meant…

But why would Tony ever go through the effort of actually making and putting together the different components of a book when he could have easily just bought a blank one?

It didn’t make sense, but these things rarely did.

After steadying himself Loki finally opened the book. Tony’s messy scrawl covered the first page.

_Loki,_

_I’m no good with all this emotional crap, but for you I think I can try. I figured it be easier if I wrote it down, got it right instead of just spewing it out like some inarticulate monkey._

Loki chuckled at the strange imagery.

The next part was written in a different color of ink and was messier.

_Disregard the pulled out pages. I forgot how difficult it was to write with pen and paper._

_-Tony Stark_

_PS: The reasons are in no particular order._

Loki flipped the page after smiling to himself.

_Reason numero uno:_

_You’re so damn precise. I’ve never seen anyone who had your concentration and dedication towards being precise._

_I remember once, it must have been months ago. Maybe Halloween? Doesn’t matter for the story, I guess._

_Anyway, I remember you were in the kitchen and you were so focused on measuring out the perfect amount of flour for whatever it was you were baking that day._

_After scooping up some flour you took the straight side of a butter knife and used it to knock off the excess flour only to let out the cutest huff when you realized the measuring cup wasn’t completely full. You added just a pinch of flour then used the straight side of the knife to even it out again. You repeated the process three times before you were finally satisfied._

_I couldn’t hold back my smile so I slipped away._

_If memory serves that was a damn good cake. One of the best you ever made._

_You aren’t just precise in the kitchen though. It was the little things that always gets to me (in a good way so stop fretting)._

Loki released his bottom lip from the clutches of his teeth. How was it that Tony knew him so well that he could predict what Loki was going to do so flawlessly?

_The lab has always been my sanctuary and only you and two others are ever allowed in there. I know you’d never mess anything up. You’re too clever for that._

_But back to the precision thing._

_In the lab you always kept a safe distance, rolling around in a chair. You had to move the random crap I left strewn around to follow me. Instead of trying to deal with my chaotic lab like any other room that needed to be cleaned you moved things out of the way then always put them exactly where they were._

_That means,_ Tony’s handwriting became suddenly messier, _a lot to me._

Loki closed the book and took in a deep breath, feeling overwhelmed. He wiped away tears of happiness.

“I’m only that way because I want to be perfect for you,” Loki whispered in Tony’s direction. Loki clutched the book to his chest, careful not to damage it.

His insides felt chaotic. He was so in love and happy. He felt like there was a ball of energy in his heart just waiting to burst forth and color the world in rainbows and glitter.

Loki hugged the book a bit tighter, wishing it was Tony. At this point he was almost used to feeling overwhelmed by how unbelievable Tony could be. After all the god had done he never expected such luck or happiness that started the day he first met Tony, when they first truly met in the Helicarrier. Now that he really thought about it, _really_ thought about it. Things had been getting better. If he looked past the blatant fact that Tony was in a coma, if he thought about how their relationship was going... True they hadn’t had sex in what felt like years, but Tony was still allowing being around and… it was nice just being around.

Even if they never had sex again. Maybe he could be content, maybe even happy.

But... how dare he even consider such a thing, not after he had hurt so many. This was paradise, every little scrap of affection that Tony allowed him was a gift he didn’t deserve. Loki was a vile little creature who didn’t deserve even the slightest of forgiveness. So what if Thor still considered him a brother. The older prince had always been misguided since they were children and Loki would ruthlessly play tricks on him for days on end, a Jotun whelp that had no place in Asgard, a mass murderer, and even if he had taken over Midgard he wouldn’t have been able to hold it for long. He was inept at everything, but magic, cooking, and fucking. There was nothing more to him, despite what Tony said to make him feel better.


	42. Chapter 42

It started out with a gasp for air and then the rapid beeping of the heart monitor. Loki lurched out of his restless dream and to Tony’s side. Jarvis spoke before Loki could.

“Good morning, Sir. It is February the second. You have been unconscious since Christmas day. Presently Stark Industries—”

“Kill the updates, J.” Tony was pulling his IV and the leads connected to him. The god was silent, not wanting to startle Tony, not after everything he’d been through. “How is the team? Lights 30%. Where is Loki? Bring up a schematic of my injuries and the progression of the Extremis Virus.” Tony rattled off his questions and commands in quick succession.

“You received the worst injuries. The other Avengers are either healed or on their way to being healthy.” The lights started rising and a hologram of Tony’s body appeared with a timestamp beside it. He stared at it as the orange was injected into the blue of the hologram and the time passed. “Loki is sitting beside you.”

Tony completely froze and Loki cringed away from him. With a quick movement Tony closed the hologram before turning in Loki’s direction. Their eyes met and Loki did his best not to squirm.

Tony reached out in a slow movement that felt like it lasted forever for Loki. He could feel the warmth of Tony’s hands through his hair and on the nape of his neck. He was pulled forward and he didn’t resist as they moved closer and closer together. He felt Tony’s hand fist in his black hair as he completely stopped moving.

Tony let out a stuttered noise almost too quiet for Loki to hear despite their close proximity. He closed his eyes for a brief moment before letting out a slow breath.

“I smell cheeseburgers,” he said, eyes still closed and brow furrowed. His grip on Loki loosened and his hand fell away from the god. “What am I wearing?” Tony asked while looking down at his loose fitting hospital clothes.

Loki gulped silently, pulling himself back together.

“I brought down one of your favorite outfits. It’s on the counter.” He nodded in the direction of said items. “I’ve been making fresh cheeseburgers all day since Jarvis said you were going to wake soon. Would you like me to fetch you one?” Loki asked while smiling proudly and twisting a stray lock around his finger before tucking it behind his ear.

“I don’t want to spend another second in this room.” Tony quickly got out of bed, not faltering at all despite his previous long lack of movement. His muscles should have atrophied due to his coma, but seemed to be working in perfect order. Tony slipped off his shirt and Loki looked away despite wanting to stare at him forever. He had the memory of all the times he washed him at least.

Now was the time to build a better rapport. He had done so well to be civil, not to show the other Avengers how sick and in love he was. Loki knew he had to keep up the act, even when they were alone.

Tony quickly changed into his usual clothing and put on his cologne. He stared at himself in the mirror, rubbing the edges of his well-maintained beard.

“Number 47,” Tony mumbled, much to Loki’s confusion. Tony glanced at the book that was on the side table at Loki’s chair. “You’re always thinking ahead.” Tony smiled and Loki’s heart fluttered. “Come on.”

He headed to the door with an easy gate. Loki quickly moved to follow him. Tony began whistling, looking at his hands. They glowed for a split moment and Loki panicked.

“Are you okay?” Loki fretted, wanting to touch his hand, but not wanting to cross any lines.

“Better than ever.” He glanced at a sensor. “Thank you Jarvis.”

“Rust Protocol was a complete success, Sir. I am happy to have been of help. May I just say that it is a pleasure to finally have you back.”

“It’s a pleasure to be back, J,” Tony said as the elevator started to ascend. “How did SI do in my absence?”

“Initial stock drop, but they have gone back up under Ms. Potts’ care.”

Tony glanced at Loki who was staring blatantly at him.

“Jarvis, compile me a report of how Pep is doing with…”

“Understood, Sir. She is presently in Chicago.” Tony nodded. The elevator doors opened and Tony breathed in deeply. “Cheeseburger, god’s greatest gift to man, or in this case one of the best damn thing you could possibly give me after coming out of a coma.”

Tony gave Loki’s shoulder a brief squeeze before heading to the kitchen. There was still a fresh cheeseburger sitting on the counter. Tony sat down gracelessly before taking a large bite. He moaned in a way far different than the ones Loki was used to hearing from him. After his first bite he took grabbed a donut. Loki watched him with rapt attention.

Tony was eating with such gusto that Loki felt his pride swell. He hugged himself and held back his grin. Despite that anxiety slowly began building up inside of him. Soon Tony would learn about how Loki was rude to his friends and how they thought Tony abused him. How long would his good mood last after that?

Loki began gnawing on his lip before abruptly stopping. He wasn’t allowed to hurt himself.

“Fucking delicious.” Tony leaned back in his seat before abruptly moving. “Time to play catch-up.” Tony twisted out of his seat and went to the couch. “Jarvis, bring up a schematic of my injuries and the progression of the Extremis Virus, a verbal summery on what happened since I was out, and the Pep Report.” Tony sat on the couch, grabbing a tablet on the way.

Loki sat across from him as a hologram popped up. He summoned some of his knitting needles and new yarn. One of the classic stuffed animal started forming while he listened to the summary starting immediately after the attack which had already been associated with one of the terrorist organizations.

He kept his eyes low as Jarvis told Tony everything that had happened. He was scared, so scared. He had revealed himself to everyone, was rude to both Tony’s best friend and Captain America, and now…

Loki looked up at Tony. The engineer’s expression was emotionless. He had a tablet in one hand, scrolling through it quickly. The hologram of his own body processing the Extremis Virus was moving quickly. And the verbal report… it was the worst. Jarvis mentioned things Loki hadn’t even realize, like how he blatantly ignored Tony’s teammates, insulted Bruce, and didn’t follow one of Ms. Potts’ commands. The list went on and on, yet Tony didn’t react.

“Jarvis,” Tony sighed, “enact the Sour Lemon Drop Protocol that I just wrote up.”

“Of course, Sir.” Jarvis’ voice was subdued, making Loki curious. The god knew Tony had all sorts of protocols. “Dr. Banner is trying to access this floor. Shall I allow entry?” Tony tapped on his tablet twice before glancing up.

“Better him than Capsicle.” Tony sighed and tossed the tablet aside. “Let him up.”

The elevator pinged almost immediately after and Loki could hear Dr. Banner’s soft footsteps.

“Tony, Loki.” Bruce nodded at them in turn.

“I hope that Loki doesn’t change anything between us,” Tony said blatantly. Bruce’s whole figure slumped and he took off his glasses before dropping into a chair.

“You always know how to throw me off.” Bruce rubbed the bridge of his nose. “No, Tony, this doesn’t change _us_.” Loki held back a cringe and continued working on the knitted doll. “Can we talk alone?”

“Is it about Loki?”

“Yeah—”

“It’s very rude to talk behind other’s backs,” Tony half joked.

“We’re just concerned—”

“ _We?_ Who is we? You and Capsicle?”

“And maybe Bucky. He’s surprisingly silent.”

“Jarvis, remind me to talk to Bucky later.”

“Noted.”

“What is it you want to say, Brucie? You know me. We’ve talked about Loki before. He stays unless he chooses to leave.” Tony leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees with a calculating look on his face. Loki was surprised by the conviction in Tony’s voice.

“Tony, you can’t just…”

“He’s not a criminal. He has just as much rights as anyone else. Asgard screwed him over and things only got worse for him since then.”

“Until you found me,” Loki cut in, his eyes full of tears. His eyes met Tony’s. His brown eyes were unreadable.

“The Avengers are just going to have to get used to it.” Tony took in a deep breath and stared at the hologram from a moment before closing it and throwing it aside. “We’ve all been through a lot, Brucie. How’s Clint?” Tony asked, changing the subject.

“Pissed. I think he wants to murder you both.” Loki tensed up at Bruce’s almost deadpanned response. If Clint was a threat, if he so much as thought about hurting Tony…

“Figured as much.”

“He has every right to be mad, but I don’t think he’ll hurt you.”

“Me neither. He has no right. Loki was mind controlled into doing everything he did when he arrived on earth through the Tesseract.” Tony waved dismissively.

“Not everyone is going to see it that way.”

“Thankfully, I don’t give a shit how everyone sees it. I care about how you all see it and I don’t appreciate you all accusing me of abusing Loki. He’s been hurt enough as is.” Bruce seemed to be considering Tony’s expression for a moment before faintly nodding.

“Fine, Tony, I trust you. I’ll try to talk to the others, but Steve seems pretty stuck with this ideas. He’s seen a lot, back when men weren’t shamed for abusing their wife and children.” Bruce stood up, his back cracking as he moved. “Please just don’t rile anyone up. We’re a team. Natasha is trying to talk to Clint. I think he’ll come around eventually.” Bruce left at a slow pace. When the elevator closed behind Bruce Tony slumped in his chair, holding his head in his hands.

“They’re not wrong, you know. I abused you.”

“No you didn’t.” Loki’s voice was weak, not used to seeing Tony so down trodden. He silently moved to his side, touching his shoulder and massaging it lightly. Tony leaned into his touch and Loki felt a small thrill, that is until he saw tears falling into Tony’s lap. His heart broke and without thought he hugged Tony.

“I fucked up, Loki.” The god squeezed him a bit tighter, wishing to just take all his pain away. “I abused and used you. I played on your insecurities.”

“No you didn’t.” Loki continued rubbing Tony’s shoulder as he hugged him.

“Fuck. I should have never slept with you, used you like a piece of meat, verbally beat you down, called you names…” Tony’s fingers gripped his hair tightly. “I can never make this up to you.”

“There’s nothing you need to make up for.” Loki gently eased Tony’s fingers out of his short hair. Tony’s frame shook violently.

“I’m sorry, Loki. I’m so sorry. If I could go back—”

“No, please don’t! I wouldn’t change a thing! Every moment was perfect and what I needed!” Loki felt himself tearing up.

“Every time we spoke I made you cry all because I wanted to control you, to keep you from killing anyone else.”

“I needed that. I don’t want to kill anyone else. I never have.”

“Exactly! I should have seen that. If only I had talked to you when you first arrived. I would have known that. I could have… I could have done something. I could have given you what you really needed, not what I thought you needed and knew I wanted.”

“Tony, please stop. Please don’t cry. I needed every little thing you did—”

“No,” there was something in Tony’s voice that left no room for debate, “you didn’t.”


	43. Chapter 43

At the end of his conversation with Tony the engineer announced that Loki would be moving to the floor below his.

Loki sniffled as he packed up the last of his things. He could easily just teleport all of it downstairs, but… maybe if Tony saw how torn up he was about leaving then maybe, just maybe he’d change his mind.

So Loki walked each box by Tony who was in the living room, letting his tears fall freely. Tony was pointedly focusing on his tablet, but Loki could see how stressed he was.

When Loki’s last box was transferred he went back to the penthouse floor to talk to Tony again. He sat across from him, legs crossed and thumbs twiddling.

“Do you hate me?” Loki asked, his voice merely a whisper. Tony’s head whipped up, looking at Loki with a surprised expression.

“What? No, I’ve never hated you.”

“Then why are you making me leave?”

“I’m not making you leave, just moving you down a floor.” Tony paused, looking at Loki carefully. “Bambi, I just need some space, okay? This is more about me than it is you. I’m sorry if your feelings are hurt, but this is something I _need_.”

“Let’s talk this out. If we just talk—”

“No, Loki.” It was a phrase he had heard in his nightmares a million times over, yet hearing Tony say them only made it worse. Loki immediately caved in on himself.

_No, Loki_

_No, Loki_

_No, Loki_

Warm arms surrounded him. Loki felt like his insides were being ripped apart. Why did everyone have to deny him, to abandon him? First Laufey, then Odin, and now Tony.

_No, Loki_

It was like being tortured all over again, but this time there would be no escape. How could he ever escape his own mind? His own fate?

Tony was rocking him slightly, but it wasn’t enough, wasn’t enough to make Loki forget. This was just another step towards the end, towards hiding in a corner and knowing no one cared.

“Come on, Loki. You’re starting to scare me,” Tony whispered into his ear while holding him tighter.

“I’m sorry,” Loki said between his wrenching sobs.

“You don’t have to be sorry. I just want you to talk to me.”

“I’m falling and you’re not going to be there to catch me.” The words came out before he could properly formulate them. “I’ve always been so alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore, Tony.”

“You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone again.” Tony kissed the top of Loki’s head, but it only made the god cry harder. “I’m immortal now, same as you.” Loki took in a startled gasp.

“Forever?” Loki asked weakly, peaking at Tony.

“Or until the world has changed too much for me to recognize.”

“You’re not allowed to die,” Loki said while holding Tony’s shirt in a death grip.

“Calm down, Rock of Ages.” Tony eased Loki’s grip and the god let out a shuddered breath.

“Is that why Ms. Potts—”

“We’re not going to talk about Pep.” There was no room for argument.

“Sir, pardon the interruption, but Mr. Barton is trying to break into the penthouse via the air vents. What course of action would you like me to take?”

“ETA?”

“Three minutes with the current level of security.” Tony nodded and grabbed a box of tissues. Loki quickly grabbed two tissues and cleaned himself up. He cast a glamour to hide the red splotches on his face from crying. Tony moved to a different seat.

“Let him through and bring out a ceiling turret, just to be on the safe side, one with tranq darts.”

“Very well, Sir.”

A minute later Clint slid out an air vent in the kitchen, bow at the ready.

“Decent entrance. Seven points for style and eight for the dismount.” Tony clapped softly.

“Stop screwing around, Tony. Hand him over to SHIELD custody.”

“SHIELD custody? You have to be kidding. The only reason you haven’t taken a shot at Loki is because you saw the turret.” Tony stood up, putting himself between the god and archer. “Hasn’t Tasha been talking to you? He was mind controlled, same as you.”

“I don’t care. It’s because of him that I killed four other agents, one of which was my protégé.” Clint tried to edge to the side to get a clear shot, but Tony moved in tandem. Loki wanted to tell him to stay out of danger, but knew he’d never listen. Why should he? Loki was Loki. Tony was the genius.

“I guess you should kill me too then,” Tony held his arms open wide.

“What?” Loki chocked out, half a second away from teleporting himself in front of Tony, should anything happen.

“The bow you used and the helicopter are all my old designs before I quit the weapons business. It’s my fault you were able to kill those agents. If you really want to kill Loki then you should kill me too.”

“Tony, that’s completely different—”

“No it’s not. I had no control over how my weapons were used and Loki had no control over how his body was used. It’s the exact same concept, so come on, Bird Brain, kill me.” Tony opened his arms a bit wider in a welcoming gesturing. Clint glanced between Tony and Loki twice.

“You’re both crazy. I always knew you were crazy, Tony, but not this crazy. What makes him worth protecting?”

It was a question Loki had asked himself a hundred times over, yet could never find an answer to it.

“Because he’s important to me. He has lived with me since his escape. Despite his past he’s a good person and I won’t let you or anyone else hurt him. Isn’t that enough of a reason for you to back off?”

“If this is because he’s a good fuck I really will kill you.”

“Just because I’m a sexual deviant doesn’t mean everything is about fucking to me.” The anger was clear in Tony’s voice.

“Then what is it, Tony? ‘Cause it’s obviously not his charming personality.” Clint sounded smug and Loki felt himself crumbling on the inside. Clint was asking all the questions that had gone through Loki’s mind thousands of times. “Is he mind controlling you?”

“No!” Loki jumped forward. “I would never do that!” Clint suddenly burst out laughing.

“Nat wasn’t lying. You really did tame him!” Clint finally lowered his bow and Loki shrunk backwards again. He shouldn’t have spoken out of turn. He probably ruined Tony’s argument.

“You’re such an asshole. I didn’t ‘tame’ him, as you and Tasha so kindly put it. I gave him alternative choices than just being a villain or shriveling away in Asgard’s dungeons. He didn’t change he just—” Tony’s words faltered and he looked down at the ground.

“He let me be who I really am, not what was expected of me.” Loki was once again surprised by how strong he sounded despite feeling like puking from anxiety. “He helped me be free from the stereotypes and duties that came from being a prince of Asgard.”

“Bullshit. I think Tony’s tamed you with his dick and smooth talk. You wouldn’t be the first to fall for his charms.”

“Clint, I’m starting to get fed up with your BS. Are you going to act like a grown up and deal with the fact that Loki is going to be living in the tower, just as he has for the past two years, or are you going to keep attacking us?”

Clint seemed to be contemplating his answer as he eyed the turret. Another one in the opposite direction was lowered and his frown deepened.

“Fine. I’ll talk to Nat, but this isn’t over.” Clint relaxed his grip on his bow. “If he steps out of line though I will put him down,” Clint warned while turning to head to the elevator.

“If he does anything wrong it’s on me,” Tony said and Clint wheeled back around.

“What?”

“You heard me.” Tony stood a bit taller. “He’s an adult, but he’s only on this planet because of me. He’s my responsibility. I won’t have you stacking up every little misstep against him. He’s here to grow and recover.”

“Are you actually trying to be responsible?” Clint laughed loudly while turning back around. “Now I know something’s wrong with you.”


	44. Chapter 44

“Thank you,” Loki whispered while sniffling once Clint was gone. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yes I did.” Tony deflated and he slumped onto a couch as the two turrets receded into the ceiling.

Loki bit his lip.

“Do I really have to go?”

“We already discussed this.”

“I know I just…”

“Don’t want to go,” Tony filled in. He smiled tiredly. “Do you want to know a secret?”

Loki’s eyes lit up.

“A secret?” Loki asked and Tony nodded.

“I don’t want you to go either.”

“Then don’t make me go,” Loki said desperately. Tony grinned sadly.

“That’s not how this works.” There was something in Tony’s eyes, some emotion that Loki couldn’t identify. “Please just trust me.” Loki felt his will to fight crumble.

“I trust you, you know that,” Loki said while staring at the ground.

“Go check out your floor. I know you’ve only been teleporting your things down there when you went to the elevator.” Tony gave him a playfully accusing look. Loki blushed.

“How do you always see right through me?” Loki asked while still staring at the floor.

“I…” Tony paused and took in a deep breath. “I just have good instincts, I guess.”

“Only the best,” Loki mumbled, feeling awkward for some reason. He was startled when a pillow suddenly hit him in the chest. He looked up and saw that Tony was grinning freely. Loki couldn’t help but mirror the expression.

Tony stood up and walked over to Loki. The god was startled once more when Tony engulfed him in a hug. Loki immediately hugged him back, burying his face against Tony’s shoulder, breathing him in and cherishing the moment. Tony rubbed his back before patting it and letting him go. Loki reluctantly stepped away.

“What was that for?” Loki asked, holding back tears.

“A hug doesn’t really need a reason so long as both people want it.” Tony squeezed one of Loki’s shoulders before flopping down onto a couch with a strange smile. “Now get out of here before I have to force you.” Though it was said jokingly Loki felt his heart break a little.

Loki gave a little bob of a nod before turning around. Loki crossed his arms, hugging himself as he walked to the elevator. Jarvis opened it automatically and Loki’s eyes blurred with tears. He forced his tears down as the elevator smoothly descended. The doors slid open and Loki took in a gasp.

It was beautiful. Everything was made of mahogany. Dark velvets upholstered hand carved couches and chairs. The kitchen was larger than the one he was used to and had all sorts of items Loki had only seen on TV. Despite the dark interior it was lit with natural light and sconces. The living room and dining room had matching chandeliers. His bedroom was the epitome of plush and comfort. Loki plopped face first into his giant bed, feeling overwhelmed.

Loki nearly died when he realized his room was directly under Tony’s, that his bed was directly below Tony’s. Loki blushed just imagining Tony laying above him, touching himself…

Loki shook his head, not letting himself get lost in the image.

Once the sheen of his new housing wore off the sadness sunk back in. Other than Tony there was only one thing that could cheer him up. He summoned up his Christmas gift and flipped to the second page. Loki automatically began smiling.

_Reason Numbah 2:_

_You love reading. I know you try to keep it a secret, but let’s be honest, you can’t keep secrets from me. It took me a while to understand why you were so embarrassed about loving reading even though it was obvious. You grew up with a bunch of jocks who made fun of you._

_It’s both adorable and sad that you tried to hide your love of reading from me. More than once I’ve walked in on you in the living room bundled up in a cocoon of blankets with a tablet in hand reading, only to switch to some mindless game when you saw me._

_Jarvis informed me that you had almost read through the whole digital library I had. That was the first time I realized how much you love reading. It made me happy to download a hundred new books for you._

_As hard as it is for me to show, I want you to be happy. Feel free to buy as many books and bookcases as you want, so long as it makes you smile._

Loki couldn’t slow down his heart and he felt like he was about to hyperventilate. He had tried so hard to hide his obsession with literature, but of course Tony knew. Tony always knew.

Loki closed the book and started crying with happiness. Tony was so perfect, so perfect, and he cared—for some reason he cared. And it meant everything to Loki.

“I love you so much,” Loki said while hugging the book.

“Loki,” Jarvis said softly, causing the god to flinch. He hid his face beneath a pillow, blushing.

“Yes, Jarvis.” His voice was muffled.

“Sir has suggested that you should visit the library on the communal floor.”

“But… other people might be there,” Loki squeaked.

“Other people _are_ there: Dr. Banner and Ms. Romanov,” Jarvis informed him and Loki squeaked again. “He strongly suggests it.”

“Why?”

“It will be easier for the other Avengers to accept that you are a part of his life and will be staying here if they see you in a normal setting,” Jarvis explained. Loki nodded from under the pillow.

“If it’s what Tony wants…”

“Don’t do it just for him. I’m sure Sir would insist you do it for yourself as well. It isn’t healthy to be alone most of your life.”

“You’re here. I’m not alone,” Loki said weakly.

“I’m also down there, now do I need to nanny both you and Sir?”

“No, I’m quite capable of taking care of myself.” Loki pouted before finally removing the pillow from over his head.

After sitting up he carefully placed his book in his nightstand.

Loki brushed a hand through his hair, feeling anxiety biting at his false courage. It was only two Avengers, debatably the friendliest to his cause, whatever his cause was.

With momentous effort Loki stood up. He changed into ‘street clothes’ instead of his lounge wear. He neglected to put on any sort of shoes since he was still going to be inside. The elevator automatically opened and Loki bit his lip before stepping in.

“They know I’m coming?” Loki asked while looking at one of Jarvis’ sensors.

“I have warned them.” As Jarvis spoke the doors slid open. Loki squinted at the sudden bright light. His eyes readjusted. Apparently the other Avengers did not favor the dim lights that Tony did.

Silently he stepped out of the elevator. His eyes automatically zeroed in on the limp Christmas tree that he could just barely see from the hallway. Many of its needles had fallen off and were littering the ground and untouched presents.

“Hello,” Bruce called to him, causing Loki to flinch. Loki peeked into the kitchen, where the voice had originated. Natasha was sitting on the counter sipping on a juice box. Bruce was setting out all sorts of ingredients. “Would you like to help me cook dinner?”

“Uhm, I was thinking of actually going to the library.” He pointed in the direction he assumed it was in. Bruce’s expression fell a little and Loki reminded himself that this was Tony’s best friend. “But I suppose I can do that later.” Loki reluctantly entered the kitchen and could feel Natasha’s penetrating eyes on him. She was no longer wearing her leg brace.

“Great. Have you ever made Indian food before?”

“No, but I’ve seen it on the cooking channel,” Loki said weakly, recalling that day. It had been before everything changed, the good days when he was nothing and treated as such.

“You can wash and chop the vegetables while I get the spices ready. The recipe is in my journal by Tasha.” Bruce turned back to the cabinets before Loki could respond. Loki really didn’t want to get closer to the assassin, but he’d been given an order… even if it wasn’t from Tony. He had to play nice, for Tony. These people were his family. It would only bode poorly for Loki if he was rude to them.

He slowly approached Natasha. She was slurping at her juice box loudly, never taking her eyes off him. A cold sweat broke out on his brow as he looked at the frayed notebook. The directions were well written out. Loki quickly went to work, washing the various vegetables. When that was done he summoned up a new knife from his kitchen.

Loki held back a smile. He had his own kitchen with all the bells and whistles! Maybe his moving out of Tony’s penthouse wasn’t all bad.

Loki began peeling a potato with his knife, forming a single swirl of brown skin lazily descending into the trashcan. He repeated the process with three more potatoes, somehow sinking into the calm at ease feeling that cooking always brought him, even though he was with two (former) enemies.

He froze up when he heard the elevator slide open nearly silently. He listen carefully to the individual’s gate and identified it as Bucky’s. He relaxed slightly. At least with that assassin he didn’t have to worry too much. The pair had spent plenty of time together in silence for Loki to think of him as an immediate threat. He walked into the kitchen and sat across from where Loki was finishing dicing the potatoes.

A silver hand shot out and stole a raw piece of potato, ratcheting up Loki’s anxiety.

“Please don’t do that again,” Loki whispered, feeling like he was about to be attacked. He had too many memories of flashes of metal coming his way. He could feel the tension in the room. Loki was suddenly aware of how vulnerable he was, surrounded by these three Avengers. Bruce was mixing spices and water in a heated skillet, Natasha was sitting by a block of knives, and Bucky had a built in weapon.

He continued cutting the potatoes, trying to stop his hands from shaking.

Natasha slid off the counter and left the kitchen silently. Loki gave a silent thanks to the Norns that she had taken the long way out, avoiding walking behind him.

“Considering how much time you spent with Tony you should be used to people stealing food instead of acting like you’ve been abused,” Bucky said while stealing another piece of potato. Loki felt his anxiety being replaced by anger.

“So you fall on that side of the debate,” Loki mumbled just as Bruce said, “Leave him alone.”

“Just making an observation.”

“Tony isn’t one to linger in the kitchen and we rarely ate together.” Loki scraped the diced potatoes into a bowl of water. He could still feel his anger stewing. “Besides, Tony doesn’t have a _unique_ metal hand to protect his fingers from my skilled knife work.” To prove his point he cut up a washed eggplant in a matter of seconds.

“Nice party trick,” Bucky said while reaching forward. Loki had plenty of time to react despite the assassin’s speed, but didn’t want to seem violent. He allowed Bucky to slip the knife from his loose grip. “We should spar sometime.” Loki was startled by his offer and change of subject, completely forgetting his anger.

“I don’t do that sort of thing anymore.” Loki wanted to turn away from him to hide his expression, but his self-preservation wouldn’t allow him to.

“So what sort of things do you do?” Bucky asked while twirling the knife between his metal fingers.

“Bucky, stop it,” Bruce warned while standing by Loki’s side. The god was startled by his kindness, he was certain that Bruce didn’t like him.

“I like not knowing who I’m living with.” Bucky flicked the knife up and in Loki’s direction. Loki plucked it out of the air.

“It’s alright, Bruce. I’ll answer him. I like cooking, cleaning, knitting, and reading.” Loki scraped the pieces of eggplant into another bowl as Bruce sighed before handing Loki a bag of washed baby carrots.

“No wonder Tony’s still alive. You’re his glorified babysitter.” Bucky laughed genuinely and Loki scowled.

“I’m fine with you making fun of me, I shan’t abide you making fun of your supposed friend.” Bucky tried to interrupt him, but Loki shoved on. “Tony has no time for such mundane things as remembering to eat, sleep, or to cook for himself. That is exactly why he created Jarvis and his robots, so he wouldn’t have to bother with such pedestrian dealings. Jarvis reminds him when he’s gone too long without sustenance or rest. He is also capable of ordering in food for him. Dum-E also has the ability to cook and can deliver the food from the elevator for Tony.” Loki glanced at each Avenger in the room. Both were stunned into silence. “I simply took it upon myself to cook for him as both a show of thanks and to pass the time.” Loki let out a huff before quickly dicing the carrots. He disappeared his knife before leaving the pair behind and going to his original destination, the library.


	45. Chapter 45

Loki purposefully ignored the hushed voices behind him as he entered the library. His eyes went wide as he stared at bookshelf after bookshelf. He ran his fingers over the spines of the books, many of which clearly hadn’t been opened before. He breathed in the scent. He chose a book at random. He flipped through the pages, just taking it in. It was perfect, everything was perfect.

Except it wasn’t perfect. Tony wasn’t his, the Avengers thought he was some dog that had been beaten down all his life (not that that was too farfetched considering everything that had happened before he came to live with Tony), Tony and Ms. Potts were still together, Clint was going to kill him, and eventually Heimdall would see someone talking and know that Loki was here.

Everything was just moments away from shattering all around him.

Loki quickly hid deep in the library between two leather seats, curling himself into a ball.

If the Avengers didn’t convince Tony to kick him out first then surely Odin’s forces would pull him away from his new life.

“Loki, would you like me to notify Sir that you are in need of assistance?” Jarvis asked kindly. Loki shook his head ‘no’ and curled in on himself tighter.

He had to be strong and confident.

Loki quickly wiped away his tears and cast a glamour to cover up his puffy eyes and pink nose.

No one needed to see him like this, see him weaker and more pathetic than usual. The god extracted himself from between the two chairs while sniffling. If Tony’s friends saw him like this they’d only throw more accusations at him.

Loki concentrated on holding it together. He had come to this floor for a reason and that reason was all around him, just begging him to get lost in their pages. He chose one of the classics and quickly found blankets to bundle himself up in. He opened the book and let his mind be swept away by the story.

* * *

The large doors connected to the library opened without creaking. Loki still heard it and glanced up from his bundle of warmth. It was Bruce and he was smiling softly.

“Dinner’s ready,” Bruce announced.

“O…kay.” Loki wasn’t certain why he was telling him this.

“Aren’t you coming?”

“Coming where?” Loki was starting to become more uncomfortable than usual as Bruce stared at him with welcoming eyes.

“To dinner. All residence are invited, including you and Tony,” Bruce said much to Loki’s confusion. He began gnawing on his lip, trying to figure this all out.

“But...” Loki reluctantly stood up. “Do you really think this is a good idea?” he asked, still not moving towards him.

“Everyone has to eat,” Bruce said, not really answering the question.

“I can go for days without food.” As soon as the words left his lips he knew they were they wrong ones to say. “Not that I’ve had to, not since coming here.” Loki smoothed down his hair, realizing that it had become a bit ruffled from his cry. “Will Tony be there?” Loki finally asked in order to alleviate some of his anxiety.

Bruce’s frown was answer enough.

“He’s normally preoccupied, but if you ask him I’m sure he’ll come.”

“Why would he do that?” Loki was genuinely confused.

“For someone with superior eyesight you’re pretty blind.” Bruce chuckled, but it had a melancholy undertone. Loki deflated under the scrutiny. “I didn’t mean any harm.” Bruce stepped forward and Loki moved backwards. “Sorry.” Bruce moved to his previous position, and like a strange dance Loki moved forward. The god floundered.

“I can ask if you want me to, but I can’t guarantee he will agree.”

“I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.” Bruce was grinning. It made Loki even more uncomfortable.

“Jarvis, can you please connect me to Tony?” Loki asked weakly.

“Of course.” There was no discernible noise that marked the opening of a line, but Loki could sense him.

“Tony?” His voice was hesitant.

“Mhm, what up, Buttercup?” Tony sounded tired and Loki flustered at the new nickname. His throat suddenly constricted and his love welled up as well as tears. He suddenly couldn’t speak.

Bruce cleared his throat while giving Loki a confused look.

“Loki and I prepared dinner,” Bruce said after a moment, still staring at Loki.

“Ah, Brucie-Bear, I thought Loki was calling.” Tony sounded more awake.

“He’s here with me.”

“Hello,” Loki crowed. Tony chuckled and the noise filled the library. Loki blushed. “I merely cut a few veggies. Bruce did most of the work.”

“Mhm, I’m sure. So what time’s din-din?” There was the ruffling of cloth and Loki imagined him sliding out of bed, the same bed that Tony had taken him on, that they slept together in.

“Five minutes. Everyone will be there.”

“Everyone?” Loki choked out, suddenly regretting ever coming down here.

“Brucie-Bear, be a dear and set me a place next to Loki’s. Oh, also make sure Clint doesn’t kill Loki.”

“No knives for the bird. Got it.” Bruce made a thumbs-up sign to Loki that was of little comfort. Tony chuckled and the line cut off mid-laugh.

Loki followed Bruce out reluctantly, casting his eyes around warily. He could suddenly hear all the voices he had been blocking out while reading.

Everyone but Tony was there already and all their eyes were on him. There were three open spots and Loki quickly took the seat between the empty plates instead of by Steve or Sam. This was a terrible idea.

Clint was glaring daggers at him (so much for him having no knives). Steve was giving him looks that cycled from pity, wariness, and confusion. Natasha looked at him blankly. Sam avoided his gaze all together. Bucky ignored him. Bruce smiled as he sat to Loki’s left.

Loki focused on the large amount of food on the table. There was, of course, the dish he helped Bruce prepare, lots of long grained rice, and some sort of flat bread.

“What is _it_ doing here?” Clint asked, not startling Loki in the least. He had come into this situation knowing he wouldn’t be met with smiles, not that he ever was.

“Play nice,” Natasha said while scooping up rice onto her plate.

“With the mass murdering alien?” Clint snorted loudly. “Why should I?” He crossed his arms like a petulant child.

“Because he’s staying,” Bucky said, startling Loki into almost falling out of his chair. “Besides, I like him.” This time Loki really did fall out of his chair. He was just grateful that he didn’t grab the table cloth in order to stop his abrupt descent. He heard Sam laugh at him as he quickly righted himself, blushing in embarrassment.

“How is this the guy that almost took over earth?” Sam asked while trying to stifle more laughter. “You guys really do need my help.”

“Shut it, Wilson.” Clint used his spoon to catapult a few grains of rice at the other Avenger.

“Don’t waste food,” Steve scolded.

“Seriously? Am I the only one not okay with this situation?” Clint asked while spooning sauce and vegetables onto his rice. “At least Fury’s on my side.”

“And what does that say about you?” Bruce asked. Loki glanced at him and Bruce had a look of amusement on his face.

“It means he’s the only sane one around here.”

“Since when has anyone in this tower been considered sane?” Tony asked while walking into the large room. Loki’s whole face lit up, that is until Tony patted Bucky and then Bruce on the shoulders before doing the same to Loki. It just reminded him that he was just one of many people that Tony showed any sort of affection towards.

“Well, I thought Pepper was sane, but I was clearly wrong,” Clint retorted before scooping up a large spoonful of the Indian dish.

“Don’t you ever talk about Pepper like that again.” Everyone at the table suddenly froze at Tony’s deadly tone as he pointed his own spoon at Clint. “She’s a fucking goddess.” Tony lowered his spoon and his expression easily morphed into an open smile.

Clint opened his mouth to speak, but Natasha cut him off with a sharp, “Don’t.” Clint’s mouth snapped shut.

“Well,” Steve dragged the word out, “let’s eat!” His cheery tone did nothing to dislodge the large stone that had somehow settled in Loki’s stomach. The way Tony defended Ms. Potts… It just reminded the god that he would never receive that sort of love or devotion. Loki wasn’t even secondary in Tony’s affections, assuming he was even in Tony’s affections. How could he ever compete with a ‘goddess’ like Ms. Potts? Or a best friend like Bruce? Or even a loyal friend like Bucky? Then there was the rest of Tony’s team… How could Loki even—

“Here,” Bruce said nicely while handing Loki the large dish of rice. Loki took in a calming breath before taking the dish from the doctor.

“Thank you,” he faintly muttered.

“Thanks for helping me cook earlier.” There was the abrupt clattering of a spoon on a plate.

“Are you fucking kidding me? No one thought that maybe this psycho wouldn’t try to poison us?” Clint stood up, knocking his chair backwards. He ran into the kitchen and there was the sound of retching before the sound of chunky liquid hitting the stainless steel sink. Loki felt a familiar hand rest on the back of his seat, gently touching his upper back. Loki leaned back slightly, feeling instantly a bit better about ruining dinner. Clint walked back in while chugging a bottle of water. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve before speaking again. “You all are fucking crazy.” Clint shook his head in what almost looked like disappointment before he headed to the stairs, not bothering to wait for the elevator.

Natasha sighed slightly before standing up.

“Save me a plate please,” she said before following after him.


	46. Chapter 46

“I ruined dinner,” Loki said with teary eyes when he was finally alone with Tony in the elevator. Tony turned towards him with a concerned look on his face.

“No, Clint ruined dinner because he’s scared,” Tony said while gripping Loki’s shoulder. Loki practically fell into his barest of touches, engulfing Tony in a hug. The engineer’s posture was a bit stiff at first, worrying Loki before Tony relaxed and hugged him back. “He’s so scared and it’s messing with his logic.” Tony patted Loki’s back and ended the hug.

“I’m not trying to scare him. I’m not even scary?” Loki asked while wiping away a tear. “I’m me.”

“You mean you’re a powerful mage with hundreds of years of combat experience?” Tony asked with a hint of sarcasm. “Yeah, I have no idea why he’s worried.” Loki looked down at his feet, shuffling them slightly. Somehow it was strange to think of himself as such. He was Loki No-One’s-Son, the blemish of all the nine realms, and destined to be left. He may be a mage, but that hardly meant anything. “You coming or not?” Tony asked, startling Loki out of his thoughts.

The elevator door was open and they were on Tony’s penthouse floor. Loki beamed and followed Tony into his favorite place in all the realms.

Tony headed straight for the bar and Loki followed him.

“Would you like me to make you anything or are you just drinking scotch?” Loki asked cheerily, falling into old routines.

“I got it Bambi, no worries.” Tony poured himself some scotch and Loki a glass of cranberry juice from behind the bar.

“Thank you.” He took a sip, not remembering the last time he had a glass of the tart drink.

“Bruce and Bucky seem to be warming up to you,” Tony said after an amiable silence. Loki nearly spit up his drink.

“You think so?” He couldn’t help the tinge of hope in his voice. If Tony’s friends accepted him then it was more likely that he wouldn’t get kicked out.

“I was listening in while getting ready for dinner. I heard what Bucky said. He’s a great judge of character.” Tony downed the rest of his drink. Loki looked down at his own drink, swirling the red contents.

“I don’t know what he sees in me,” Loki admitted, surprising himself with his candor. He instantly wanted to take the words back, not wanting to sound like the pathetic creature that he was.

“Bucky sees what I see.” Loki looked over at Tony who was leaning on the bar, closing the distance between them slightly. “He sees someone trying to heal, someone trying to grow and be better than they once were.” Tony nodded to himself, his eyes becoming distant.

“And is that how you see me?” As some broken little thing trying to climb out of the slime that was his past despite him being the very thing that he kept producing.

“Don’t go bringing yourself down now, Reindeer Games.” Tony had an almost calculating look in his eyes. “Even if I told you exactly how I saw you, you’d never believe me. You’re not ready. Hell, I’m not ready.” Tony chuckled to himself and Loki was vastly confused.

“Sir, Ms. Potts has arrived back from her business trip,” Jarvis announced, switching Loki from confused to morose. Loki watched with downcast eyes as Tony sat down his glass and walked over to the elevator. A moment later Ms. Potts emerged.

“Tony.” Her voice and eyes were soft.

“Pep.” She kissed him on the forehead and he held her gently. Loki felt his heart sinking and looked away.

“It’s good to have you back in the world of the living. Did you get my message about the press meeting tomorrow?”

“Yup, Natasha offered to help me look like I’m still healing.”

“Master assassin and cosmetologist?” Ms. Potts joked and Tony chuckled.

“There’s an art to her ways, as you know.”

“Couldn’t have gotten Loki out of SHIELD without a few of her lessons.”

“Thanks again for that.” There was the sound of a quick kiss and Loki bit his inner cheek in jealousy.

“I did what needed to be done. No thanks necessary.” Loki glanced at them and Ms. Potts pinched Tony on his facial cheek, making him grin. Loki wished he could make him smile like that. Ms. Potts turned in his direction and Loki quickly focused back on his drink. “And how are you doing, Loki?” Ms. Potts asked while walking over to him. She went behind the bar and pulled out a bottle of wine, glancing at its label.

“I’m alright.” He picked at the cuff of his shirt, not able to look over at her. From beneath his eyelashes he could see her pour herself half a glass of red wine. Maybe if he drank Tony would like him more.

“Good. Do you like your new floor? I helped design it.” Loki looked over at her in surprise. She took a sip of her wine, unperturbed by his wide eyes. She left behind a red lipstick stain on the wine glass.

“It’s very beautiful,” he said as Tony sat beside him on one of the barstools.

“That’s not really answering her question, Lokes,” Tony said while touching Loki’s back lightly. He blushed, not really wanting to answer, but seeing no way out of it. He couldn’t lie to Tony or Ms. Potts after all.

“I hate it. I hate being alone,” he admitted, not looking at either of them.

“You can always come visit me. I’m only one floor below,” Ms. Potts offered. Loki’s head popped up and he gave her a look of confusion. “You didn’t tell him?” she asked while looking at Tony.

“The subject never came up.” Tony shrugged halfheartedly while leaning over the bar to grab a bottle of scotch. She flicked him on the ear. “Ow,” Tony complained playfully before pulling back with the bottle in hand. “Rude.”

“Anyway,” Ms. Potts turned her attention to Loki, “I moved down two floors. The views not as nice but,” she glanced at Tony, “the company is much better.”

“You wound me, Pep,” Tony said while gripping his heart.

“You’ll survive.” She gave him a derisive look.

“Company?” Loki asked, confused for the hundredth time that night.

“Just me and my new pet kitten, Gizmo.” Ms. Potts grinned. “He was a gift from Tony. I only just met him a moment ago. He’s the cutest thing,” Ms. Potts said, almost simpering. “Would you like to meet him?” Her eyes were shining, but Loki wasn’t sure if he was allowed to… He glanced at Tony who nodded in confirmation while sipping at his scotch. For some reason he was grinning.

“Yes please.” He knew his green eyes were wide and must look ridiculous, but he couldn’t keep the excitement out of his voice.

“Well let’s go!” Ms. Potts walked from behind the bar, her heels clicking as she carried her wine glass with her. Loki dutifully followed her.

They entered the elevator and Loki suddenly felt self-conscious as he lost sight of Tony.

“Are you sure it’s alright?” he asked her nervously. Ms. Potts bumped her shoulder against him lightly, nearly toppling over the god in his surprise. Ms. Potts laughed in a kind manner and Loki blushed, feeling foolish.

“Of course it’s alright. You’re a resident, same as the Avengers and me. So long as you’re invited it’s alright.” Ms. Potts was still grinning as she took another sip of her wine.

The elevator door opened and she immediately let out a crooning noise. Loki spotted the grey kitten sitting by the window staring at the New York lights. Yellow eyes zeroed in on her before it let out the cutest little mewl Loki had ever heard. He felt his heart melting.

“Oh—oh, oh, oh! It’s—it’s adorable!” Loki felt his brain turning to mush. “Oh, how can something so cute exist in the real world?” He gently fell to his knees as the kitten came over. Ms. Potts chuckled while joining him on the ground in her fancy dress, glass of wine still in hand.

“Yes, this is real life. Enjoy it.” She smiled at him genuinely while scratching the underside of the kitten’s chin. It mewled again and Loki melted.

“How can this be real?” Loki asked while reaching out with a shaking hand. Ms. Potts chuckled again.

“It’s real.” She gave the kitten a pet from crown to tail and the little thing arched into her touch before she stood up. “I have to change out of these stuffy clothes. There’s cat toys by the couch if you’re interested in playing with Gizmo.”

Loki nodded, unable to look away from the wide eyed kitten. Ms. Potts’ laughter mixed with the clicking of her heels as she walked away. The kitten glanced her way before turning its attention to Loki. Its whiskers twitched and Loki still hadn’t worked up the nerve to touch the ball of grey fluff. The kitten took the initiative and pushed its face against its shaking hand, causing Loki to gasp in joy.

“You’re so perfect,” Loki warbled while leaning closer. The kitten’s eyes somehow got wider before he suddenly pounced in Loki’s direction, swiping at a lock of his hair that had fallen free. Loki let out a squeak, reeling backwards before calming his poor heart down. “You’re rambunctious, aren’t you?”

Loki pulled his hair free and offered up a few wisps for the kitten to play with. He had to lean forward for the kitten to reach, but it was worth it to see him jump. Somehow, every time Gizmo did Loki let out a surprised little whoop that didn’t discourage the little kitten. He was quickly learning to aim before leaping.

Ms. Potts’ giggles drew his attention, giving the kitten just enough of an edge to latch onto Loki’s hair and crawl up his sweater sleeve, firmly holding Loki’s black hair in his teeth.

“I told you he had toys over there.” She gestured with her chin while smiling widely. Loki blushed and fidgeted causing Gizmo to fall off of him. It barely twisted around in time to land on its four unsteady legs.

“Oh, are you alright, little guy?” Loki asked softly, getting down to the kitten’s level. Ms. Potts just shook her head endearingly.

“He’s a little champion. Don’t worry.” She kneeled down in front of him, now dressed in a loose fitting top and comfortable pajama pants. Ms. Potts gave the kitten a quick pet before turning her attention back to Loki. “After the press conference we’re finally celebrating Christmas. You should join us.”

“What? But I don’t want to intrude on—”

“You won’t be intruding.” Ms. Potts patted Loki on his hand, startling the god. “Trust me.” And how could he not? Without her approval he’d be wasting away in Asgard or under SHIELD’s care, or worse, all alone. “I’m going to get a plate of leftovers from the communal floor.” She gave the kitten a quick kiss before setting it down again. “Don’t let him eat your hair. I rather like it long.” She winked at him playfully and Loki was speechless.

When the elevator slid close behind him Loki went to the living room to investigate the cat toys she had mentioned. He briefly appreciated the beauty of the room before focusing on the toys. A shiny ball on a plastic stick caught his attention.

He sat down on one of the couches after grabbing it, hearing the light pitter patter of the kitten’s footsteps behind him. It immediately pounced on him, using the leg of his pants to climb onto the couch with him. Gizmo eventually climbed onto his chest and Loki resigned himself to laying down. The kitten still swatted at his hair, ignoring the toy Loki offered him. The god could only grin, too enamored to stop the kitten’s naughty actions.

Soon enough the kitten settled on his chest, purring. Against his will Loki felt his eyes grow heavy and his thoughts blur until he finally fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have to start slowing down updates because of Uni work. FYI.


	47. Chapter 47

Loki woke up to the sound of near silent footsteps. He shot up, not recognizing the scent of the room he was in. He immediately spotted Ms. Potts in another one of her prim dresses. She was carrying her heels in her hand.

“You’re quite the light sleeper,” Ms. Potts joked. She placed a hand on the arm of the couch to steady herself as she slipped on her heels. “I wander if this is how Tony’s one-night-stands feel,” she murmured before smiling at Loki who was clearly confused. “You fell asleep here last night. Don’t worry. I didn’t do anything untoward to you.” She winked at him. “You slept through the night and most of the day. Gizmo is around here somewhere if you want to play with him. The press conference is in an hour if you want to watch.” Ms. Potts opened a small compact mirror and glanced at her reflection. “It’s just the standard ‘Yes, I’m still alive’, ‘No, this won’t affect SI’, that whole shebang.”

Before Loki could respond Ms. Potts was already waving goodbye and in the elevator. He sat in complete stillness for a good few minutes, processing her words. He’d fallen asleep. He’d fallen asleep on Ms. Potts’ couch.

“Jarvis,” Loki said, “am I in trouble?” There was a long pause and Loki did his best not to fidget like a child.

“Have you done anything that I am unaware of?” Jarvis teased and Loki nearly stuttered.

“Not that I know of,” he squeaked.

“Then no. You are not in trouble presently.”

“Good.” Loki glanced around once more, almost expecting some sort of attack. He really shouldn’t be here without Ms. Potts’ present. Loki quickly scrambled up and teleported to his own floor. Once there he let out a great sigh and slumped down onto his own couch.

He couldn’t believe he’d been so careless. Ms. Potts was—

Why did she have her own floor?

He had been too distracted with the prospect of seeing the little kitten that the thought hadn’t even occurred to him.

For as long as he’d known her Ms. Potts had always shared Tony’s penthouse floor.

Why would that change? Unless… but Loki didn’t even dare to hope for such a thing.

If Ms. Potts and Tony were no longer lovers— but that still left Bruce and who knows who else that Tony slept with.

Loki refused to hope that they’d broken up. It would be cruel of him to do so. He knew how much Tony loved her.

Maybe it was the same reason Loki now had his own floor. Tony had said that he didn’t want him to leave, but had forced him to go anyway. Maybe that’s what had happened between the pair. After all, they were still kissing each other.

Loki missed Tony’s kisses, from the rough, consuming kisses to the wind whisper soft ones that were meant just to drive him mad. Loki just wished he’d give him another chance, even though he knew he didn’t deserve one, especially not after he revealed himself on Christmas—

Oh Norns, they were celebrating Christmas today and he was invited, yet didn’t have a gift for anyone! Surely they’d hate him even more now.

“Jarvis, how long before we’re celebrating Christmas?”

“An hour and a half,” Jarvis responded and Loki slumped, caving in on himself. That wasn’t nearly enough time for him to get one gift yet a whole group of them. At least he had a new scarf for Tony, but he really didn’t want to give that to him in front of everyone. He wanted a repeat of their private moment of peace, despite knowing it was highly unlikely that he’d ever get a moment like that again. It was too perfect to repeat. “Is anything the matter?” Jarvis asked, startling Loki. He still wasn’t used to the AI being so polite to him.

“I don’t have a proper gift for anyone.” Loki felt like such a failure. He just wanted to hide under Tony’s bed and never come out.

“I may have a solution. Most of the Avengers are rather fond of your cookies. A batch of holiday themed cookies would not go amiss.”

“Jarvis! You’re a genius!” Had the AI been with him since childhood maybe Loki could have made something out of himself. The thought made Loki a bit happier, yet sad at the same time. If only Tony had been in his life sooner. All the realms would have benefitted.

“I do what I can. All the proper and necessary ingredients should be located in your kitchen. Anything missing can be rushed delivered.”

“Thank you, you’re a lifesaver.”

Loki stood and realized his clothing were a bit rumpled and covered in cat hair. In other words, not optimal cooking attire. A quick shower was in order. He teleported himself to his new bathroom and cleaned the cat spit out of his hair as well as the dried nervous sweat from his skin. By the time he was finished his nerves had eased somewhat. Having a plan could do that to him.

After dressing Loki acquainted himself with the kitchen. He found an apron that said: _Kiss the Reindeer_. He blushed brightly and quickly pulled it on. It was just another little thing that made him love Tony all the more.

“If you would like to view the press conference it is about to begin,” Jarvis said. Loki had nearly forgotten. He never missed an opportunity to see Tony, especially when he was dressed in a suit.

Loki turned on the TV and set the volume on low. As much as he’d like to give his full attention to the press conference the cookies were his main priority. Usually he’d take his time and let the dough firm up naturally, but he didn’t have that sort of time. He’d have to use his magic, something he’d never done when cooking before.

Loki frowned when he couldn’t find any cookie cutters. He’d just have to cut them out by hand. Thankfully he had plenty of sprinkles and the ingredients for frosting.

He’d just got started on the dough when he heard his name come from the TV.

_“Yes, Loki has been captured,”_ Tony announced. _“The spell he was casting on me was a healing one according to our magic consultants. His motives are positive from what we’ve been able to tell. A slew of new information has come forth, but is currently under scrutiny so I can’t discuss it at this time.”_ The crowd erupted in questions and Loki bit his lip. He hated how much trouble he was causing Tony.

Loki was also now certain that Heimdall must know about his whereabouts. The fact that warriors hadn’t been dispatched to collect him was worrisome. He needed to talk to Tony about this, but was dreading doing so. He didn’t want to bring any more trouble to his love.

Loki wrote himself a quick note to tell Tony even if it meant risking being kicked out.

Soon enough the dough was flattened and ready for him to perform a spell on. Loki closed his eyes, a dozen cooling spells coming to mind. He weighed the pros and cons of each before deciding on one he’d learned in Alfheim. He spoke the words softly and the temperature in the kitchen dropped. He concentrated the spell on the dough before poking it to test its firmness. He eased the spell away once the dough was ripe for the cutting.

He cut out a tons of little Christmas themed shapes including a few reindeer just to see Tony smile.

After prepping the pans and oven the dough was on its way to becoming full-fledged sugar cookies.

As Loki got started on the colorful frosting he wandered about what else he could do for the Avengers to show his goodwill and Christmas cheer. A brilliant idea occurred to him.

“Jarvis, is there anyone on the communal floor right now?”

“There is no one. Are you in need of assistance?”

“Just the opposite.” Loki teleported himself up to the floor without thought, still in his flour stained apron. He gazed at the drooping Christmas tree. He couldn’t bring it back to life, but he could make it look like it was. Loki started a spell and all the dead pine needles levitated from the ground and back to their branches, he straightened the trunk of the tree, and turned all the needles dark shades of green. Loki paused before casting another spell that shined all the metallic decorations. “Perfect,” Loki said before disappearing again to finish the cookies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey? Hey? Hey?  
> Do you guys remember when you all hated Pepper?  
> I do.


	48. Chapter 48

Loki heard the faint sound of the elevator opening just as he finished decorating the last sugar cookie. He relaxed when he recognized Tony’s familiar gate.

“Good, you already got the memo,” Tony said while sitting at the counter and laying a package down on the seat next to him. Loki paused, staring at him. He was still wearing the makeup that made him look like he was still healing. It made Loki’s heart hurt, remembering how close he’d come to losing him. Without thinking Loki dampened a hand towel and went over to Tony. “What are you doing?” Tony asked while grabbing Loki’s wrist before the god could wipe away the reminder of the worst moment in his long life. Loki’s breath caught, not realizing how forward he was acting until Tony had grabbed him.

“Your face and neck.” Loki gulped, looking away from him and feeling idiotic. “They still have makeup on them. I do not wish to see you hurt, even if it is just an illusion.” Tony’s grip loosened before falling away. Loki quickly went to work, gently rubbing off the stage makeup while avoiding eye contact.

“Speaking of illusions… you don’t have to pretend around the Avengers,” Tony said once Loki had finished.

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t have to act like something you’re not. This place is your home too. I want you to be able to relax here, though I do know that’s asking a lot of you considering how you met all of them.” Loki was confused at what Tony was trying to tell him and he was certain that was clear on his face by the way Tony sighed. “Look, part of what I’m trying to tell you is don’t be ashamed to break down or ask for help when you need to, even if it’s not from me. I’m not the only one in your life anymore. Pep, believe it or not, has a soft spot for you a mile wide. You don’t have to refer to her as Ms. Potts anymore. After J and me she’s the one who knows you best. Bruce is quickly warming up to you, and you already know Bucky approves of you staying.” Despite Tony’s kind words they were only making Loki feel worse. He didn’t want anyone but Tony.

“And what of your other Avengers?” Loki asked, if only to try to change the subject. He began arranging the cookies on two decorative trays.

“Clint is, well, being Clint, but I think Tasha will wear him down once he starts seeing you around more. Natasha has her own motives and reasons to let you stay. Sam will go along with whatever Cap wants and Steve still thinks I…” Tony sighed and frowned to himself. “He’s never going to relent because he’s right. I hurt you when you were at your weakest.”

“Please,” Loki begged, “let’s not have this conversation again.” Loki paused, his face lighting up in a grin. “It’s Christmas after all.” He handed Tony a cookie. The engineer looked at it for a moment before grinning and taking a bite. “Wait here please. I have something for you!” Loki had nearly forgotten.

Loki disappeared into his room and quickly dug through the chest at the foot of his bed, quickly finding his treasure. As he came back into sight Tony began laughing genuinely.

“You’re too much,” Tony said while taking the new Iron Man scarf. He kissed the soft material and Loki blushed.

“I made one for Bruce too,” he admitted. “Well, I made it for practice, but I think Bruce would like it. Do you think he’d like it?” Uncertainty clouded Loki’s tone.

“Yeah, he’ll love it, but I already bought gifts for everyone in your name and vice versa.” Once again Loki was confused.

“Why would you do that?”

“Well I couldn’t just have you sitting around all pretty like while the rest of us went to town tearing open presents.” Tony made a flippant hand gesture and Loki’s heart warmed up. “Speaking of which, Pep ordered a sweater for you.” Tony nodded to the package in the seat and Loki carefully picked it up, peeling at the plastic and cardboard to reveal a soft red sweater with geometric patterns and snowflakes.

“It’s lovely.” Loki’s eyes started to fog with tears. The sweater was also the first thing anyone had ever given him, besides Tony. “I should have made her something. I should have—”

“Calm down, Rudolf. Pep loves buying people clothing. Half of Clint’s closet is made up of colorful T-shirts just because she was sick of seeing him in black.” Tony reached towards Loki before pulling back as if in second thought. “Cheer up, Buttercup. It’s Christmas, remember?”

“I like that,” Loki said with a goofy smile in place.

“Hmm?”

“The nickname Buttercup. It’s new. I like it.” Loki felt his face flaring up, but his tongue was already let loose and he couldn’t stop it now. “It makes me feel special and loved.”

“You are special and…” Tony reached out and, this time without hesitation, brushed a hand down Loki’s cheek, resting his hand on his shoulder.

“Sir, you wished me to remind you of Protocol Mind the Gap.” Jarvis’ voice broke the strange silence and Tony’s hand slipped away.

“Thanks, J.” Tony stared at one of the AI’s sensors for a moment before looking at Loki again. “There’s also a few team dynamics that you should be aware of so that you’re not taken by surprise.” Tony took in a slow breath and Loki felt his stomach drop. “As I’m sure you’ve already figured out Bruce and I are intimately close. We’ve been like that since the night he moved in.” Loki couldn’t help but cringe. “I’m not saying this to bring you down or warn you off or something. I just… I just want you to be aware of who I am. You knew about all my one-night-stands and Pep, but not Bruce. You need to know that I can love more than one person at a time.” Loki didn’t want to hear this. He already knew… already knew he wasn’t good enough to be loved.

“And what about the rest of your team?” he asked, trying to control the constricting feeling in his chest. “Do you love them?”

“Of course, just in different ways. I could never be that open with people like Steve and Sam though. We don’t bond the way Bruce and I bond. Tasha, understandably, hates me for threatening her kid, Bucky and I bond over mutual self-destructive activities, and Clint and I are just assholes to each other. Steve is just trying to look out for everyone as well as anyone can look after a group of misfits like us and Sam just endears our craziness like a champ.”

“You love them and they love you in return.” He expected as much. How could anyone _not_ love Tony? At least before the Avengers found out about his staying here all he had to endure was seeing Tony with fleeting one-night-stands and the perfection that was Ms. Potts. Now he had to see Tony with everyone.

“Come on, Lokes. Let’s head to the communal floor. Pep and Steve are probably the only ones stopping the group from ripping at their gifts like savage animals.” Tony stood up while snagging another cookie. Loki nodded while quickly removing his light sweater and replacing it with his new, festive one. When he glanced at Tony was pointedly looking away from him, chewing on his cookie slowly despite usually devouring sweets. As if sensing the discrepancy Tony shoved the rest of the cookie in his mouth. “Need help carrying those?” He pointed towards the two trays of cookies.

“No thank you.” Loki twirled his fingers and the two trays began to float. “I’ve got them.” Tony shook his head while chuckling and standing. In an easy movement he wrapped the scarf around his neck before heading to the elevator.

Loki felt Tony’s eyes on him for some reason and the god blushed.

Christmas music was playing in the elevator and Loki immediately started humming along. From the corner of his eye he saw Tony grin to himself. It made Loki blush even harder, that is until the elevator door opened to the communal floor. He could hear a few Avengers arguing.

“—some sort of fucked up plan,” Clint’s voice rang clearly.

“I think we should just let things play out,” Natasha said in a calm, almost disinterested voice.

“Stop being such a Grinch,” Tony said while stepping out of the elevator. “Loki brought cookies. PS: You’ve eaten his cookies before and loved them.”

“Damn it, Tony! This is why no one trusts you.” Clint appeared and glared at the pair as they walked down the hallway. His eyes narrowed further as he spotted the floating trays.

“I still trust Tony,” Bruce said from the kitchen. “And I’m sure I’m not the only one.”

“Yeah, but this has to be his worst idea yet.” Clint scowled before returning to the living room.

His _worst_ idea. At least that was something Loki could agree with.

Before Loki could get bogged down Tony’s hand was on the small of his back, grounded him. He was eased forward, trays still floating smoothly. Loki felt a small grin form as he saw how beautiful the Christmas tree was. His smile grew even more when he saw there were lots of new presents beneath the tree.

He felt like he was in heaven, a dream come true.

Bucky greeted him with a nonchalant nod. His eyes met Natasha’s and her stare was free of hostility. Sam cringed but gave him a small wave. Steve’s smile almost looked sincere.

“Here, let me help you with that,” Pepper said while popping up from her seat and plucking one of the floating trays out of the air. She set it on the coffee table before taking a cookie for herself. “These are wonderful,” she said after taking a dainty bite.

“Thank you.”

Loki took the other tray to the kitchen where Bruce was making hot chocolate and Clint was glowering to himself. Bruce patted Clint on the back before prying open Clint’s clasped hands and putting a cup of hot chocolate there. Clint grumbled something before Bruce turned his attention to Loki.

“I’m assuming you’re the one who fixed the tree,” Bruce said while smiling and handing Loki a warm mug. Loki quickly schooled his features.

“Was it too much?” he asked timidly. Had he already overstepped?

“No, I think it’s just what we needed.” Bruce glanced towards the living room. “If you want hot coco come and get it,” he called out to the group. They all shuffled into the kitchen and Steve tentatively took one of the cookies. He took a bite of the snowman shaped cookie before letting out a pleased little moan.

“Come to the dark side. We have cookies,” Clint mumbled while heading to the living room. Loki watched him while frowning. The archer stared out the window, ignoring everyone. Loki hated that he was causing one of Tony’s teammates distress.

Tony’s hand brushed subtly against Loki’s, drawing his attention back to the kitchen. Everyone was gathered around the counter talking to each other over cookies and hot chocolate. Bucky was speaking in low tones to Sam about some videogame they liked to play together. Natasha was grinning as Ms. Potts complained about her new PA. Tony had Bruce and Steve transfixed with a story about his first Christmas party.

Loki focused on Tony’s story, relaxing at the familiarity of his voice although Loki wasn’t used to him being so open about his past.

Tony paused, taking a bite of what had to be his sixth cookie.

“Your Christmas party of 1999 was worse,” Ms. Potts said. “I had to drag him by his ear to keep him from peeing in the ice fountain. Would have ended up breaking his neck while climbing on the damn thing, if not for me.” She shook her head before taking a sip of hot chocolate.

“Thanks, by the way, because of you I lost a 2,000 dollar bet,” Tony complained.

“I’m pretty sure your life is worth more than that.” The strawberry blond glared at him halfheartedly.

“You also cock-blocked me from a pair of Russian twins. They were Olympic athletes, Pep. I was going for the gold!” Tony said loudly and Bruce and Bucky snickered while everyone else let out exasperated noises. Loki smiled sadly, used to Tony’s love of flesh.

“Can we just open presents? I’m getting antsy,” Clint called out, breaking the moment. He exchanged a look with Natasha.

“Why not?” she said while heading over to the living room.

The rest of the group was quick to follow her, leaving their conversations behind. They piled up onto the couches and chairs. Loki was relieved that he found a spot next to Tony, even if the master assassin was sitting on his other side.

“Merry Christmas,” Bruce said while smiling.

Bucky was standing by the tree. He pulled a light sheet off some unwrapped gifts and began tossing them at the various Avengers.

Tony leaned in close to Loki and the god’s breath caught in his throat.

“Your gifts are in the shiny dark green wrapping paper,” Tony explained, “but you have to open this one first for them to make sense.” Tony pulled out an envelope from the inner pocket of his coat. Loki glanced around. The other Avengers were descending towards the tree, quickly ripping open gifts with jubilant giggles and shouted ‘thank yous’.

Loki took the envelope in a delicate motion. It was light, so just paper. With a careful movement he moved his finger under the dried adhesive, opening the envelope.

Loki could feel Tony’s eyes on him and for some reason he blushed.

“From you?” he asked. A bit of uneasiness settled in. He should have gotten Tony another gift instead of just a replacement.

“No need to feel guilty or whatever. I’m a billionaire who has everything. Your scarf was the perfect gift.” Loki glanced over at him and smiled, feeling completely reassured. Loki pulled the contents of the envelope out and gasped. “Pep mentioned how much you enjoyed playing with Gizmo. I thought you might enjoy having your own kitten.”

Loki stared at the image of the black kitten in wonder until his vision blurred. He let out a little hiccup of a cry before it became a full blown sob. He tried brushing away his tears, but they just kept coming. This was too much, too perfect for him. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve any of this.

“Shh, Loki. It’s okay.” He felt Tony pull him into his arms. Loki quickly latched onto him, crying even harder.

“I’m—I’m sorry!” Loki said with his face buried against Tony’s shoulder.

“It’s alright. You’re alright.” Tony held onto him tighter. “You’re allowed to cry. You know that.”

“I’m sorry!” Christmas had already been ruined once and now here he was ruining it all over again. He tried to pull himself together with a few broken gasps. Tony’s blunt nails raked against Loki’s scalp, allowing him to breath. He buried his face further before letting out a, “Thank you.”

“No problem.” Tony gave him a little squeeze. Loki could feel himself descend into a crying mess again, but this time instead of it being out of a panicked disbelief it was one of gratitude and love.

“Thank you so much,” he said between sobs as Tony held onto him tightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have a [Tumblr account](http://silverdrip.tumblr.com/) now, so that's a thing. 
> 
> Also, I posted a new FrostIron story called: [Forming a Family](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4467728/chapters/10153124)
> 
> PSA: It's not smart to give someone a pet as a gift.


End file.
